Title: AP #42
Source: Remi.Page
Time: [UNSPECIFIED]
Trigger: Vague and transitory thought during a passive observation cycle
Thought Captured: “Sometimes I just want to throat punch Wallace’s smug face. There should be a policy for that. Like an official mental-health punch. Maybe with a checklist in the staff bathroom and a pro-slapper!”
System Response: [CRUCIBLE.PROTOCOL]
Narrative Alignment: Satirical Relief
Directive: Formalize thought into Administrative Procedure to stabilize cognitive dissonance and maintain narrative humour subroutine. Formalize Output.
NEW ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURE
AP #42: Annual Morale Support (Throat Punch Initiative & Escalation Program)
I. Purpose:
To promote mental health and community harmony by allowing individuals to regulate peer behaviour through targeted physical intervention, fostering a culture of accountability, proactive self-correction, and occasional comic relief.
II. Policy Statement:
All individuals within the organization (excluding administrators and contractors) are eligible to deliver one (1) throat punch per calendar year to a peer, in accordance with the guidelines below. The program is intended as a preventative measure to encourage immediate behavioural recalibration.
III. Mental Health Rationale:
This initiative supports overall well-being by allowing small but targeted interventions to prevent greater workplace violence, burnout, or passive-aggressive sabotage. This should replace all organization-based journaling, mindfulness minutes, and mental health surveys. Early corrective action ensures a healthier environment for all and reinforces natural selection without legal consequences.
IV. Eligibility Criteria:
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- A minimum of five (5) years of continuous service to qualify.
- Alternatively, individuals may exchange (1) personal day for immediate eligibility, supporting mental health for those too busy to take leave.
V. Nomination and Approval Process:
- No formal HR forms are required.
- Nominations must be supported by at least two (2) other individuals, confirming that the punch is “deserved,” “earned,” “therapeutically necessary,” or “funny.”
- Checklist Sign-up Mechanism: Located on the back of bathroom stall doors.
- This mechanism also serves as a self-correction notification.
- If you notice a tick beside your name, consider immediate behavioural adjustments. Failure to do so may result in escalation.
- Added bonus of adding surprise to chronic non-attenders as they will never see the slap coming.
VI. Delivery Protocol:
- Punches must be swift, professional, and free of explanatory monologues.
VII. Equity Clause:
If the Ministry of Morale determines the punch would be physically unfair (e.g., bodybuilder vs. accounting intern), the following protocol applies:
- A designated proxy of similar size and build will be assigned to deliver the punch on behalf of the nominator.
- The nominator will be provided with high-definition security camera footage of the punch to ensure emotional closure.
- All footage will be archived for annual highlight reels at the mandatory “Morale & Muffins” meeting.
VIII. Escalation Program:
After one (1) throat punch, recipients enter the “Escalation Monitoring System.”
- Subsequent incidents activate the Professional Slapper Program, employing a certified external contractor (a former professional slapper, with excellent Yelp reviews).
- Slaps are delivered without warning or explanation.
- Recipients awaken in their workspace, chalk-marked appropriately, and are expected to return to duties immediately (See Appendix P, below):
- Recipients are not informed of the reason for their punch; however, a colour-coded chalk mark will be applied post-impact to assist with reflective practice:
IX. Enforcement and Appeals:
- There is no appeal process. Don’t be a chicken.
- Please note: The recipient can not engage in reciprocal slapping for at least seven (7) days. Let the correction sting. Sit with it for a moment of quiet reflection.
Issued by: The Ministry of Morale, the Division of Satirical Policies