“OK, that isn’t going to work for me either, Klop.” His latest idea once again involved me letting him go and waiting outside the Orlic camp for Geeku to come and say hi. “What if I looked like a human?” I offered.

  “Oomies don’t last long in da camp. We don’ try to ‘urt ‘em!” he added quickly as my expression darkened. “Dey just squishy, is all. Can’t deal wiv Orlic customs.” He tried to shrug from within my tails, then grimaced as he was still locked tight.

  “I would look like an oo– a human, but I wouldn’t be a human. Last time I fought Geeku, he ran away. I can take a punch from one of you guys.”

  “Geeku fought dat?” He looked me up and down in the moonlight. “He really is crazy!”

  “He ran away as soon as he saw this. He fought me in my human form.”

  “Tough fer a Oomie. You’ll still catch some trouble, mefinks. I gots ta itch, Dragon-bruv, wanna put me down? Green skin gets scratchy sometimes.” I glared and pulled him close before what he said sank into my thick skull. In my shock, I dropped him, my tails unravelling like a broken rope. Fortunately, all he did was scratch at his arse and then dig his fingers into his hair and start flicking out things that seemed to have far too many legs. “Fanks, bruv!” Klop said happily.

  “Don’t try to run, and bear in mind I can still shoot fire and acid when I’m not in my proper form,” I growled, and Klop nodded quickly.

  This would be an experiment of sorts. Kat had mocked me for choosing to look like my old self when I assumed a puny mammalian form. I could have looked like Brad Pitt, or that dude who was in bloody everything shortly before I died. Now I was going to follow through on that promise. My scales retracted, but instead of normal human skin, I ended up a light green colour, and considerably taller than I ought to be as an ‘Oomie’. I held up one hand next to Klop to compare.

  “You’se a lady?” he asked.

  I checked my front. No, I definitely hadn’t given myself breasts by mistake. I pulled a tunic out of my belly pouch and slit it down one side to wrap about my obviously male dangly parts in a makeshift loincloth. I was too tall and broad for my normal trousers to fit.

  “Why’d you say that?” I asked as I finished knotting my man-nappy into place.

  “Skin too light. Lady colours, not-dragon-bruv.”

  “Just call me Bob. How’s this?” I shifted the shade of green down a couple of notches until Klop nodded.

  “Now yer one of da boys! You gonna let me go now?” he asked with a level of optimism that was so insane I found I had no choice but to respect it.

  “Show me into the camp and point me at Geeku, then we’re golden.”

  “Don’t like golden.” I discovered I could go off people remarkably quickly. “Like green.”

  “Green then.” I ground out through clenched teeth.

  Klop led me back to the camp and approached the first sentries we saw. I stayed behind him and occasionally reminded him how easily I could turn him into a greasy, oversized candle. He strode up without a care in the world and squared off against the largest of the guards. They stood frozen for a moment, armoured undies glinting in the firelight, then Klop flashed out with a slap that would have knocked a human out.

  The slappee swung his head back up, spat out a mouthful of blood, grinned, and returned the favour. Klop was knocked on his ass by the force of the blow, but he shook it off and leapt back to his feet with a broad smile and a slightly concussed expression.

  “Whatcha want, Klop?”

  “New-bruv needs to speak to da boss,” said Klop with a hand wave in my direction. “Seems important.”

  “What tribe is he? Oy, new-bruv, what tribe is you?” The larger Orlic asked me directly.

  “I’m not part of a tribe. Maybe I’ll join his?” I said with a shrug of my lime green shoulders.

  “Oh ho! Fresh meat! Geeku is trainin’. He’s to da Norf of da camp, Klop. Place where he beat da dragon da first time.” I raised an eyebrow. It seemed Geeku had been spinning some not entirely accurate yarns about our previous encounter. Klop twitched and glanced at me.

  “About dat–”

  “I’m sure it was a fantastic victory!” I cut my hostage off. “How about we go pay him a visit?” I suggested. Klop nodded quickly and led me through the camp.

  The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  It was a weird amalgam of military outpost and madhouse. I soon realised that the simple handshake, the hallmark of civilised human greetings, was not in vogue among the green weirdos. No simple gesture to establish contact and show that you are unarmed for the Orlics. Oh no. That would be too bloody easy.

  I stepped carefully around a pair of seven-foot-tall humanoids whose wrestling match, the more intimate greeting between friends, spilt out onto the path we threaded through the patchwork tents and cooking fires.

  The place stank. I had underestimated their numbers. Orlics were more than happy to live in conditions that would not only make a human file a complaint with Karen, but that would leave them dead of dysentery within a week. My hostage was far and away more civilised than most. At one point, he stopped to punch another Orlic in the chest, and received a kick in the balls by way of a friendly reply, but he limited himself to slaps as a rule.

  A blur barrelled out of the gap between two threadbare tents and slammed into Klop, knocking him to the ground. I reacted without thought. He was my guide, I owned him, at least for the time being, and I needed him to get me through the rest of this camp without having the green slapped off my skin.

  I snatched at whatever the thing was and hauled it off him.

  “What the actual fuck is this?” I snapped. It was a blend of dog and pig, with the squished-up face and big, wide-set eyes of a pug from back home. It was kind of cute in a piggy sort of way, so I didn’t immediately brain it. The high-pitched snorting whine, like a scared puppy, also helped stay my hand.

  “Quiggles! Dat’s me pet! Put her down!” Klop snapped as he jumped to his feet and punched me in the side. I didn’t even budge. This guy was no Geeku, and I’d levelled up a few times since I’d clashed with that loony. I carefully passed the dog-thing back to Klop, who cradled it in his arms like a baby as it continued to whine and shoot evil looks at me. Even trying to look mean, it was still adorable.

  “Adorable. Where is ‘da boss’?” I asked. It wasn’t a snack, nor a threat, so I stopped worrying about the weird little bugger.

  “Dis way, mean man.”

  “Dude! I didn’t even hurt Quiggles!” I snapped. He was more offended that I’d snatched up his puppy than he had been about me kidnapping him while he was taking a piss. These Orlic had their priorities all upside down.

  Klop led me, Quiggle yipping and jumping around his feet, through the camp and onto the plains to the north. The grassland stretched away around us, the breeze fresh and clean after the miasma of the camp, and I stretched out my stride as I saw flashes of movement in the distance.

  Geeku hadn’t been lying when he said he was going to go and train. He looked like he’d taken all the steroids and lived in the gym since the last time we met. Dude was ripped. He’d been tough before… but I was stronger now as well.

  “Dere he is. Da boss in all his glory!” Klop chortled as he petted Quiggle. “Still wanna talk to him?”

  Geeku was fighting three other equally muscled Orlics and beating the snot out of them. One would try to get his attention, buying an opening for the others to attack, and I could only admire their optimism. Whichever one offered themselves up as bait was inevitably snatched off their feet and used as a club to beat the other two into bloody ruin. The three victims would crawl away as the next group stepped up, and Geeku, chest heaving and veins popping out in frankly disturbing ways, would repeat the process.

  “Not so tough now, eh, dragon-bruv?” Klop smirked.

  “Oh, I’m pretty sure me and Quiggles could take him together.”

  “No!” Klop barked, clutching his pig-dog tight to his chest and shying away.

  “We’re all good, by the way. You fulfilled your end of the bargain. Now it’s time for me to fuck up a Super Cyan. Again.” I rolled my shoulders and shook out my arms. I was too tall, and my limbs were too long, compared to what was normal for me. But I’d make it work.

  “Oi! Geeku! I think we need to have a chat, mate. What’s this I hear about you beating a dragon here?” I strode out into the cratered landscape left over after our last bout and crossed my arms.

  “Who’s you?”

  “Oh, you don’t remember me.” I was getting the hang of the evil grin, judging from the way his eyes narrowed as he blinked rapidly.

  “You want ta fight? Did is da kind of powah you should run away from!” He flexed like Arnie in his prime, and if I had still been little old mammal-me from Earth, it would have been an intimidating sight. But the dragon in me just licked its lips. I cracked my knuckles.

  “So you and a dragon made this mess, did you?”

  “Dese craters are da site of a mighty battle! He was strong, but stoopid! Geeku is wise! I used crafty fightin’ to take him down!” he boasted.

  “Oh wow. And what did the dragon do after you beat him so thoroughly?” I think I kept the worst of the sarcasm from my tone, but the way he suddenly glared at me suggested I wasn’t as good an actor as I thought I was.

  “I knows dat voice…”

  “Yeah. How about a rematch?” I offered as I faced off opposite him. Even in a much taller Orlic body, the war boss still loomed over me like a henge.

  “It’s you?” he whispered, leaning in close.

  “Yup.”

  “Sorry about, you know, da fibbing. What da fuck you want, dragon?”

  “Well, I was kind of hoping to persuade you to turn this army about and head any other direction than south with it. South is mine.” The last came out in a low growl.

  “You got stronker?”

  “Sure did. Want a rematch?”

  “Nope. Need to keep it green, though. Err. Oomie phrase would be save ta face?”

  “So how do we do dis-this?” They’re way of speech was infectious. Maybe it was that I was masquerading in an Orlic body, but I felt like slapping people to say ‘good day’ was a good idea for some reason. To be fair, I often felt like that in any form, but it was refreshing to find a society that agreed with me.

  “Challenges. Play along?” The faint look of pleading in his eyes made something predatory rise up inside me, but I fought it down and nodded slowly.

  “Dis Boy wants us ta march west gainst da stumpies!” Geeku declared loudly, wheeling away from me and spreading his arms wide like a professional wrestler on the stage. “Wot does that mean?” he roared, long teeth flashing in the moonlight. I sniffed. That was amateur dental work at best. Rookie toosie-pegs wouldn’t cut it with me.

  “Tree Trials!” The cry went up from the crowd. The shouts echoed back and forth in the night. Geeku worked the crowd like a pro, pointing and calling out to hype them up even more.

  “What the hell is a tree trial?” I muttered. My voice was lost in the cacophony of the crowd.