In the end, I shook his hand. Yet another contract was signed, and the list of my obligations increased. As profitable as coming to the city was, I was going to be sending minions in the future. I’d get Inedible-Reg to make a set of portals for Tex when he got to the Mill, and have the peddler handle as much of it as I could get away with.

  I returned to the Horn and lurked in my room for a few hours. Trouble seemed to make a beeline for me in Ankmapak, but I felt relatively safe in my room. Beville wouldn’t let anyone bother me, and I couldn’t get myself into any more trouble if I simply stayed tucked away. It was boring, but safe.

  I emerged cautiously, like a turtle extending its head from its shell, and peered either way down the corridor outside my room. Everything was clear, no mobsters, outremonde street urchins, insect monsters or demons showed themselves. I rolled my shoulders and strode confidently down to the barroom.

  “Any messages for me?” I asked Beville as I took a stool at the bar and ordered some food.

  “Just these, sir. You are a popular one, Baronet!”

  “Just Bob, please, Beville.” I took the envelopes he passed me and opened the first as I waited for the sandwich I’d requested.

  It was an invitation to the ball this evening. Gilt-edged, with fancy, flowing script in a deep red ink, Lady Nardshiner cordially requested my company to celebrate blah blah. I tucked it into storage and opened the next one. I had been expecting to get in as a guest of Von Kloben, so I hadn’t been worrying about not having an invite.

  Luckdire had taken a room in the Horn and would join me for our departure to the north in the morning. I reminded myself to go easy on the Golden Jack this evening. I’d have a busy day to look forward to, and a dragon with a hangover is rarely safe to be around. Tenant sorted at last.

  Finally, I could start making use of the expensive guest suite Kat had ordered so long ago. It had seemed like a bad idea at the time, but I was already planning on using the Mirror of Endless Insight to spy on him. Not in a weird way. I just wanted to be able to steal more of his spells.

  The third was a note from Dalgliesh congratulating me on my success in arranging support for his bill. How the bastard had any idea what I’d been up to was beyond me. “Kenny?” I whispered. Something blew in my ear, making me jump. Shit. Still, he couldn’t have gotten into Philpott’s place. Nyal would have tagged him, I was sure. He was powerful for a human, nothing compared to a ruler of Hell. So my feather-related secret hopefully remained that way. God, I hated the city.

  “Are you well, Bob?” asked Beville, switching glasses and immediately resuming polishing as he walked over. At least that mystery was cleared up; he didn’t just polish the same one all the time.

  “I’m fine. You got the time?” I asked.

  “It’s half past four, sir.” He didn’t check a watch or anything. Must have some kind of counter in his head.

  “I need to get to Von Kloben’s place. He should have finished up his pre-ball perversion by now. I’ll be checking out in the morning.”

  “Very good, sir. Would you like your breakfast delivered to your room early?”

  “No, I’ll skip the meal. It’ll be good to get back on the road. Send someone to knock on my door when Luckdire shows his face, would you?”

  “Of course, sir. I’m sure you’ll be the belle of the ball.” He smiled and turned away, moving off to serve another customer.

  “Thanks, I think.” As I turned, I saw the clock on the wall behind me. Half four indeed.

  Von Kloben greeted me in his sitting room, wearing nothing but leather hot pants which left far too little to the imagination. He glistened. I mentally added a ‘wash three times’ to his entry on the menu.

  Ah! Bob of the Mill! You missed out on some fun! There was a bunny-kin girl, little fluffy tail you could really grab a hold of and–”

  “For the love of god, stop! Get dressed and let’s go.” It came out as a low growl that made him blink owlishly at me.

  “Neglecting the little pleasures in life makes you a dull man, Bob. Fallicibus Vestibus!”

  New Syntheticus unlocked!

  Fallicibus Vestibus

  He was suddenly clean, hair freshly brushed, and wearing a fancy suit that made mine look plain in comparison. I squinted at him.

  This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

  “I bet the poor bunny-girl didn’t enjoy herself. Are you really always dressed in those shorts with fake clothes over the top?”

  “Of course! A man needs to be free, but society is so closed-minded about appropriate dress. The leather on my butt cheeks, the wind on my thighs, and all while everyone thinks you’re dressed like a gentleman!”

  “If you say so. How are we getting there?” I asked, desperately trying to remove the mental image of his belly hanging over the leather from my mind..

  “My carriage awaits. As my guest, you will be expected to be courteous to me at all times.”

  “I’m your plus one? How come I got an invite?” I produced the document and waved it at him. He snatched it from my hand and glared at the delicate calligraphy.

  “This is… most unusual.” He returned the invite, and I carefully wiped it on a trouser leg before putting it back into my storage. “Well, our chariot awaits! A personal invite from Nardshiner… well, I never,” he muttered to himself as he led me out of the house. On the drive, a carriage awaited. Two metallic horses stood hitched to the front, standing immobile.

  “Robot horses?” I asked as I sat down inside the plush wooden box, making sure to maintain as much distance as possible from the man who collected STDs like stamps or old coins.

  “Hmm?” The vehicle rattled into motion, metal hooves crunching as loudly on the gravel as the iron-shod wheels. “Conjured beings. Tom, the driver, calls them up from his nethers. Costs me a pretty penny to keep him on staff, chap, I can tell you!”

  We emerged onto the streets with a clatter, and thankfully, Lady Nardshiner's estate was only a short drive away, so I was only forced to make chitchat with the disgusting mammal for a short period. I peered out of the window as the driver called out that we’d reached her manor. It was much closer in design to Pratnip’s home than Von Kloben’s.

  Multiple wings framed the central hall, surrounded by austere gardens. There were no flowers or ornamental bushes here. It was all designed for ease of maintenance as far as I could tell.

  We were late. The entrance hall was as austere as the gardens, but it was clearly expensively decorated. Someone paid a lot of money after they said, ‘make it drab’.

  “Viscount Von Kloben and Baronet Bob of Fidlers’ Mill!” boomed the footman as we stepped through a double door into the ballroom itself. Prenderghast's work again. It stretched away, the size of a stadium. Tiered levels like a step pyramid in reverse descended ahead of us.

  The dullness of the rest of the property I’d seen was contrasted sharply by the bunting, floating multicoloured lights, and the sound of music and laughter. Most of which stopped as our names were bellowed out.

  The people nearby, dressed in their finest and most fanciful costumes, turned to stare, a hush radiating out with me at the epicentre. Fortunately, it didn’t extend to the further reaches of the room, but a wave of people ebbed towards the viscount and me, creeping closer like a rainbow tide.

  I took a glass of something that bubbled and looked to be a healthy straw colour, then stepped down to face the mob moving toward us.

  “Milord, Bob! A pleasure! I am Lady–” the names and the pretty faces all merged into one as I grunted and mumbled greetings at these mammals. I wished I had a scoot so I wouldn’t have to constantly cast a spell to see which of them might be a threat. I’d been told it was rude, and I assumed I still had Big Kenny in tow, so I resisted the urge to keep checking their levels and classes.

  Not that I thought for a moment Kenny was looking out for me. If he were lurking around me like an ugly ghost, his goal would be making sure I kept up my end of the bargain. Young ladies curtsied, men bowed stiffly, and I worked my way deeper into the maelstrom, looking for a safe harbour to get drunk in. No. Clear head tomorrow. Too many mammals.

  “Lord Bob, a pleasure to see you again!” I turned; other than Pratnip, Kolben and Heartflash, there shouldn’t be anyone else here that I’d had dealings with before. A beautiful woman with full red lips curved them into a smile and dipped the tiniest of curtsies at me. I nodded back awkwardly.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t recall…” I began, but she winked, and for a moment Agatha was standing before me.

  “Oh, hi. Is this normal?” I waved at the crowd that was now largely keeping its distance from me. “How many bloody nobles are there?”

  “Plenty of blue bloods in the court. Where else would they keep them?” she said, sipping what I hoped was this world's equivalent of a Bloody Mary.

  “How do they get anything done with this many assholes all farting at each other?” She giggled like a schoolgirl.

  “An apt phrase. See over there?” She pointed discreetly at a large group two levels down from us. Some of the gents were shooting me annoyed glares, and a few of the ladies were winking and smiling at me. “The tall woman in brown is Nardshire. On her right is Foreverknot. My meal for the evening.” She spoke quietly, but I glanced around to check no one was close enough to overhear.

  “Is it a problem?” I asked.

  “Oh, not at all. She is regular as clockwork. In about fifteen minutes, she will hear the call of nature again and excuse herself. Your sort have keen senses, can’t you smell her kidneys from here?”

  I flicked my tongue out as subtly as I could. Perfume, booze, sweat. A taste of tension in the air. This was a joyous veneer over a powderkeg. These people really didn’t like each other.

  “Oh, you don’t smell? Even as a human? Well, trust me, that old bitch has maybe a couple of years before she starts pissing blood! Or she would have if tonight wasn’t going to happen to her!” Agatha cackled, and a young man in the group a few metres away turned and scowled. Agatha bent her neck in his direction, and he went briefly crosseyed before marching off towards the exit.

  “What did you do to him?” I hissed. This psychotic vampire was a liability.

  “He’s off to meet his lady love in the dark outside the mansion. He won’t remember a thing. It will be funny the next time he sees her and starts screaming at her for standing him up. I might even pop back up to watch if I can swing it with the Master. Just another glass or two of Halstorm, and Foreverknot will be headed for the longest expulsion of liquids in her short life.”

  “You’re going to drink from her while she’s on the bog?”

  “No, in the lavatory. I’m not going to drag her out to the marshlands, how would I frame Hateskale if I did that?”

  “How are you going to frame him?” I whispered, taking a sip and giving another group of passing nobles who were eyeing me like a snake in a kindergarten a fake smile.

  “I’ve seeded various clues to lead the good detective to the wrong conclusion,” she said in a smug purr.

  “What detective?”