The string of unnecessarily hurtful abuse and challenge to single combat had come from a big chap on the back lines of the enemy formation. I dipped a wing and headed in his direction. His armour was a dark grey colour and lacked any kind of ornamentation. I’d been around on Helstat long enough to know that it meant one of two things.

  The guy was poor as shit, or he was rich as hell and powerful to boot. Eleanor's use of the word “dad” had clued me in as to which it might be. Wrath and Vanity were both incensed by his lack of respect for both my threat level and my draconic glory. Maybe he was strong enough not to take me seriously as a physical threat, but no one could deny that I looked damn good.

  “Baron, please just drop me off before you get there.”

  I glanced down at her, where she dangled from a claw. “Why the hell would I do that?”

  “He’ll be very cross with you about my poor treatment.”

  “You took your healer hostage!”

  “As was my right!”

  “You aren’t worried about what he’ll do to me. You’re worried that if he beats me, you’ll be sent to bed with no supper.”

  “I always get supper! You have no idea what he’s capable of. He’s powerful, and the shadow loves him.”

  “Good. Maybe I can recoup some of the karma I lost by raising the dead. So what’s he like?”

  I had spiralled up into the sky, evading the blasts of magic that were sent my way with ease. The orlics and the dwarves were doing their thing. One rabid, one methodical. Both equally effective, and when combined with the nightmare fuel of the bunnyborgs as they paused to express their “art”, we were breaking the bulk of the enemy forces now.

  The dragons helped as well. Jace was bombing the mages, who had to throw up shields to protect themselves rather than try to support their melee fighters. Pete and Bargleblaster were… hungry. They were ripping at the flanks of the command group but taking a lot of heat from the bodyguards and the mages when they could spare a spell to attack.

  Lille. I needed to have a word with Lille. I could only respect her viciousness and thoroughness in a fight, but her enthusiasm was deeply disturbing even to me. A shrieking white nightmare, cackling like a little kid, spraying waves of spikes below her as she passed overhead. The girl had issues.

  “My father is an indomitable warrior without peer in the realm.”

  “I met a guy, Duke Smith or something. He fought like clockwork. I’d have put money on him being the best, to be honest,” I replied conversationally as I looked for my moment. The Comte was standing at the front of the formation, shaking his fist at me circling overhead, rendering him impotent via the ever-useful power of flight.

  “Armand? The man’s a rank amateur. A wannabe. He couldn’t hold a light orb to Dad.”

  “You don’t sound too confident in that.”

  “You think you can fight Armand Smith and win?” She fidgeted nervously in my grasp.

  “Lady, don’t get any ideas. It’s a long way down, and you just lost an arm. I don’t know if I could fight Armand and win. I killed Big Kenny, and he was pretty tough. As tough as the Duke? I don’t think so. But I’ll tell you one thing for damn sure, if I couldn’t beat Duke Smith, I would have been able to run away easily enough.”

  “Big Kenny is dead?”

  “You sound so adorable when you squeak. Yeah. I chopped him in half and launched one half into the ocean. Or maybe space. I didn’t stop to check the velocities. That reminds me, I should find out what happened to the other half of him. The arachnoshrooms probably ate it, I expect.”

  “You forgot about half the body of one of the most powerful assassins on Helstat?”

  “Did you know Agatha? She was pretty tough to.”

  “I did not.” There was fear in her voice now.

  “Agatha De Bries, I think? An assassin from the Forgotten Library. Which I still haven’t looted because you assholes showed up and laid siege to my town. I’m going to have to negotiate with the Emperor for my share because I wasn’t there to watch the Immortals finish the place off.”

  “The Library has fallen?”

  “Yeah. Say, just out of interest and on a totally unrelated subject, I hear the god of wealth is one of your shadowy dudes. Any idea where he keeps his divine loot warehouse, by any chance?”

  “I—no.”

  “You sure?” I wheedled.

  “No.”

  I sighed. “We’ll come back to this another time.”

  “You’ll only have me till you receive my ransom.”

  I pulled her up so she was held in front of my face, which was haloed by purple and golden sparks as we flew above the armies clashing below. “It will depend on what kind of ransom is offered. I imagine if I eat your dad, it might mean you're stuck in my company for a while.” Clever dragon.

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  “My uncle will take over. He doesn’t like me very much.”

  “How come?”

  “I refused a marriage he proposed with one of his followers.”

  “So you’d best hope I don’t have to eat your dad.”

  “Will you allow him to withdraw?”

  “Honestly, I kind of hoped you were his wife, not his daughter. A lot of guys wouldn’t be too mad if their wife got eaten by a dragon. Everyone gets pissed off if you eat their kid.”

  “Speaking from experience?”

  “Kind of? I ate Hateskale, and his heir seems to have a hate boner for me.” I shrugged. I was getting the hang of doing that without disrupting my wingbeats. Eleanor did not appreciate the movement, though.

  “I’ll find a way to hunt you down if you hurt my father!”

  “Lady, if I eat him, you’re dessert. You’re both Umbrati, and Bulb gave me the karmic ok to kill you guys. Raising your corpses from the dead is still a bad thing, I’m pretty sure, but whatever. I’ll rescue some kittens from trees or something to make up for it.”

  “I’ll speak to him. We can end this without more bloodshed.” Bingo.

  I turned and began circling down towards the armoured lunatic who was still yelling insults at me from the front position in the enemy command group. My wings flared, and I landed on my hind legs, pointing my snout at the sky and emitting a deafening roar at the same time as a stream of fire shot skywards from my nostrils. Bargleblaster was forced to dodge, and I suppressed a smile as a result.

  “Comte de Fallade, we meet at last!”

  “Coward! Fight me!” He stepped forward, swinging his mace back behind his body in anticipation of a strike while his shield fell into place across his chest.

  I held his daughter out ahead of me like a talisman as my free foreleg settled on the ground. “Let’s not be too hasty. One squeeze and you’re childless!”

  “I have other children. Sons. Do your worst!” he snarled. My jaw dropped open at the same time as Eleanor began to squirm in my grasp and curse under her breath.

  I brought her round to my face and blinked my big, purple eyes slowly. “You sure you don’t want me to eat him?”

  “Don’t eat my Dad!”

  “It’s not up to the lion if the gazelle makes themselves available.”

  “What's a lion?” I produced a stone from my pouch and dropped her into the blue portal that appeared next to me.

  “Kat will deal with her. So, dude who doesn’t care for the girl-children, what’s happening next?” I gave him a number ten smile, long fangs glinting in the light of my sparkles.

  “Bring her back.”

  “Ah. You do care. Where I come from, we call that leverage. Pack up your band of assholes and get the hell away from my... this town.” I growled it out in a low rumble. Menacing. Majestic. Magnificent. Other positive words that start with an M.

  “Your portal network is an offence to the status quo. It needs to close. Bring Eleanor back.” He took what he imagined to be a threatening step forward.

  “Speculator Visus!” I muttered.

  Comte Pierre-Henry de Fallade

  Mace Tier Baiter

  Level 93

  STR 193 AGI 47 MAG 22 ARM 352

  “You spent a lot of time on the internet back on Earth, didn’t you?” I asked wryly.

  He flushed in anger, the cheeks behind the faceplates on his armour reddening. They were normally pale, and even in the half-light and shadows, the change was noticeable. His eyes were faintly orange as well, with dark bags hanging beneath them.

  “I am a native. Not an invader like your sort.” His speech was clipped and precise, with just enough high-born arrogance to convince me he wasn’t lying.

  “You’ve invaded my tow—” I wasn’t going to let the system catch me out like that again. “—a town that I have some interest in protecting, but no direct claim to and nor do I want one.” I glanced about nervously, but no new pop-up appeared telling me I’d declared war on the light side as well as the Sith. Phew.

  “Your portals represent a threat to us all,” he snapped, sliding his face plate up with his left hand to reveal a ruddy, chubby-cheeked face that looked distinctly jolly. Slap a white beard on him, and he’d make a passable Santa. Despite the musculature worked into his cuirass, I couldn’t help but notice that the armour was rather broader than you might expect.

  “They all lead to the same place. My goddamn stomach if anyone tries to fuck with them. PETE! LILLE! BINGLEBONKER! Go tell Jace to give it a rest! This is a parlay now. You can have an all-you-can-eat buffet if the talks don’t go well.”

  Bargleblaster sent one last blast of brown fire at the mages cowering behind their shields before reluctantly flapping towards the sky, accompanied by the others. Thankfully, Pete led the way; he’d been the one I was worried about ignoring orders. Chi must have had a word with him earlier.

  I also noticed that de Fallade licked his lips at the word buffet.

  “So you’re willing to negotiate?” he asked.

  “Nope. But you are. I’ve got orlics, dwarves, psychotic monster-cyborgs and a bunch of dragons? That’s not right… What's the collective noun for dragons again? Oh yeah, it’s a burn-all-your-shit-down. And I’ve got zombies. My position is fair and generous: fuck off, and I’ll give you your daughter back.”

  “Not without assurances on the portals.”

  “What assurances?”

  “Demilitarise them.”

  “Get wrecked. They're mine. I’m going to use them to move my forces around.” I snorted the golden sparkles out of my line of sight and treated him to a level four glare.

  “It gives you an unfair advantage.”

  “Oh no. Whatever will I do?” I snorted and flicked my tongue out to taste the air. Churned earth, that loamy smell you get when fields are ploughed, the traditional urine smell, probably from my hand where I’d been clutching Eleanor, and… “You’re afraid.”

  He bridled, swishing his mace back and forth and glaring at me. Two out of ten. He was far below par in the evil look department. “How dare you!”

  “Look.” I settled my belly against the ground and brought my head down to his eye level. My wings were poised to hurl me away if he made a dumb move, which would be his last, but I was willing to talk to try and get this shit over with. “I know that smell. It’s not new to me. You’re invited to the big brawl, right? The one Duke Smith gave me an invite to? Well, how much of a prick are you going to look if I rock up with half your army as zombies under my control, and the rest of them shit themselves as soon as dragon wings pass above them? Just call it a day. I’ll let you fall back on condition you don’t come back to Baginton again. Or any of the towns under my control… or that I have a stake in!”

  Had to watch my words with the bloody system seemingly out to screw me over half the time.

  “And you’ll return little Ellie?” he asked quietly, glancing back at his nervous soldiers.

  “Sure. I’ll drop her off at the Long Horn in Ankmapak in a couple of days, once I’m sure you’re not jerking me around.”

  He stuck out his hand to shake. I shifted back into my mammal suit. I had no idea what it looked like from the outside when I shapeshifted. A giant reptile shrinking down into a mortal man, scales vanishing to be replaced by pores and hair. Probably pretty weird, judging by the look on Pierre-Henry’s face. I followed his eyes downwards.

  “Fallicibus Vestibus!” Illusory clothes covered my shame as I shook his meaty hand.