“You’re shitting me.”
“It’s a proud name in Longbottom. There’s always been a Hardprick in the Longbottom.” I wiped a paw down my face and thanked every god apart from Karen that as a rule Kat got to deal with this bullshit.
“Ok. Nice to meet you, Harold. What is it that you do?” I felt a bit like royalty asking that question.
“I’m a furrier, lord,” he replied happily. He was a big guy, easily six and a half feet tall and well built, broad shoulders and a straight back.
“Excellent! So you know how to work metal! Kat, we got a good one! What’s your’s like?” I called over where she was interviewing the last of our new minions.
“Gledna The Gland. She’s a healer. But I’m not sure you would want her to work on you. Glandular magic is gross. You ooze for days afterwards.”
“Great, so a healer and a metal worker!”
“He’s a smith?” she asked, eyeing the big man skeptically. He moved to put his hands behind his back and stopped covering his vulnerable bits as he saw Kat look over at him. His stomach sucked in slightly as well. She squinted for a second, then flashed across and used his delicates as a speed ball for about three seconds. He howled and collapsed to the floor, tears of pain streaming down his anguished face.
“What is it with minions having the hots for you?” I asked her, but she waved a hand at me and leaned in close to whisper something in Harold's ear.
“You understand?” she finished sweetly, and Harold nodded frantically, blinking past his tears. “Good.” She sighed. “I don’t know, Bob, it’s fine as long as they're wearing bloody clothes. He’s a furrier, why did you think he could work metal?”
“Isn’t that horseshoes and stuff?” I asked. She just glared at me in reply.
“No. He isn’t a bad catch, though. He’ll be good for helping with the skinning and curing of the cattle hides later this year. Let me just do my job for a second,” she said before turning to glare at the handful of starved and naked humans.
“You lot are now loyal minions of the Dragon called Bob. I’ll have assignments for you shortly. In the meantime, find a bed in the barracks. Some of you will have to hot-cot until the next room is finished. I’ll get some clothes brought from the Core market for you. I hope you like steak, cos that’s pretty much all we eat here. If any of you can cook, I’ll boost you up to a private room; the Janglebonks don’t have taste buds, so they’re terrible chefs. Go on! Get!” She waved her hands, and the gaggle of involuntary nudists hurried up the stairs towards the residential floor.
“How much are clothes going to cost me?” I complained after they left.
“It will be worth every coin, Bob. I am not working around a bunch of naked guys with pixie-fever.” I considered the pros and the cons for a moment before concluding it was probably worth the money.
“You mentioned a training floor? That wasn’t an option before,” I said as we headed up the stairs.
“You’ll need to buy a couple more levels for the Core,” she said sheepishly.
“How many?”
“Four.”
“That's not too bad. Right?” I asked nervously. Despite my self-control, I was still strongly opposed to the idea of shopping.
“It will set you back… harumph rumph rumph,” she finished in a sotto voce mumble.
“How much?” I glared at her as she walked along beside me as we crossed the fifth floor. It was still a pleasant expanse of rolling hills and fields. I had no idea how it could exist within Mount Bob, but who was I to question the all-powerful system?
“Fourteen hundred gold , Bob. One, four, zero, zero,” she snapped.
“Ah. Is there some way we can haggle? Maybe if I offer to do the systems dishes for a month or something?”
“No, Bob. It doesn’t work like that.” She shook her head firmly.
We walked through the rest of the dungeon in silence. The floors still felt empty, but when we got to the residential area, we heard the sounds of bickering and headed over to investigate.
Harold had snatched up one of the Dwelvers and was dangling him by the scruff of his neck and yelling incoherently, spittle flying in the terrified creature's face. Were they human? Or some kind of dwarf-like species? From what I had gathered, they were just short humans with zero personal hygiene routines.
“Put him down, Harold,” I growled, and the big man dropped the squirming possibly-human. “What’s going on here? I like a nice peaceful dungeon, and I’m happy to eat anyone who ruins the ambience.”
“He said we were too smelly to bunk in here, lord. I demand an apology! And a shower!” Harold barked at me. My purple eyes narrowed at him. “Ahem, please?” He finished his speech in a more deferential tone of voice.
My tongue flicked out, and I wished it hadn’t. The faint traces of Janglebonks made my stomach rumble, and the mixed scents of recently tortured humans and the usual stench of the Dwelvers combined to make me both hungry and desperate to get away from this room. Thank god I didn’t have a normal sense of smell.
“Ok. Kat, where can this lot take a shower? And I’m including you.” I glowered at the Dwelvers who backed away like scared puppies at the S word.
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“They’ve got a sink?” she said with a shrug.
“That’s not good enough! You’ve got a nose, how are you not puking or running away?” I asked.
“As long as I’m phased out I can’t smell shit. And I mean that literally.” Kat glared at the Dwelvers. “They’ve got a sink, they can use that?”
“Princess, you’re eight inches tall. That’s a decent-sized swimming pool to you, for this lot, not so much.” I sighed. This day had been profitable, but I had a feeling it would end up being a net loss. “How much for some showers or baths or whatever?” Her eyes glazed over as Kat checked the dungeon screen I didn’t have access to.
“How much do you want to spend?” she asked as her eyes focused back on my face. I’m pretty sure my expression didn’t change, but she raised her hands defensively anyway. “OK! As little as possible. Should have guessed. We can do a communal shower room for fifteen. If you want proper baths, like Roman or Japanese style, it’s fifteen hundred Coins.”
“They can have group showers,” I replied quickly. They all looked annoyed, the Dwelvers most of all, but I had no more sympathy for them. “The next time I pass through this floor it won’t smell like feet and ass, understood?” I gave them my best glare, and they all nodded reluctantly. “Good. Kat, shall we? You want to steal from my hoard.”
At the word ‘hoard,’ the Dwelvers had both twitched, and I gave them a hard look as I left the room without another word.
“So showers for them, another bunk room. Four bloody Core levels to unlock the new floor types. How much more of my money are you wanting to spend today?” I asked Kat as we headed back up towards my lair. As I emerged, I glanced lovingly at the blank stone walls. They were dull, grey, and not one of them was trying to spend my treasure.
“Call it a grand on top of the levels,” Kat said hesitantly. “B-but it will totally be worth it!” she finished in a rush.
“Huh. Take it.” I pulled up my screens and shelled out to boost the dungeon core to level five. “It’s done. Just make this lot count. Can we send what’s-her-face… Saltnip or whatever her name was, to do to the next floor that we open? I’m really not a fan of the system’s weirdness. “
“It’s being weirder than it should be. Want me to speak to my supervisor?” She raised an eyebrow at me.
“You can do that?”
“Of course not. At least now we know why it threw in a High Priestess of Karen for you to deal with. Makes me wonder about the kinky cultist and sex toy robots. There’s none of that in your file.”
“How detailed is this file?” I asked suspiciously. She’d known the names of my family members going back three generations. I didn’t even know the names of my great-grandparents.
“Trade secret. It should have picked up that kind of stuff, though. The Woo is pretty thorough. Maybe it’s because you got gelded when you isekai’d?” She shrugged eloquently.
“I still can’t believe my life was judged by a group called the Woo. Do you need me for anything right now?”
“Nahh, you’re good. We need to call Tex once we get a list of the stuff Reginald needs. Otherwise, you’re good. Got a hot date?” she batted her eyelashes at me. I snorted.
“You should use more eyeliner, princess,” I chuckled and earned a kick to the leg for my trouble. “I’ve got a bunch of biomass built up and I don’t want to eat anymore, I reckon if I don’t use it I stop wanting to eat?”
“Good guess. You can store a few levels' worth, but then you won’t want to feed until it depletes or you use it up. When you’re at very low biomass, not even the ascot will stop you eating people, so try and keep a level's worth in the tank at all times.”
“Noted.” I settled down on my luxuriously expanded hoard and picked at the gold coins idly with one paw.
Biomass stored:
304 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 60 KG.
Evolve: Y/N?
Rolling for evolution choices…
Please select from the following six options:
- Mighty Might
- Dual-Use Nostrils (Fire Variant)
- Increase Mass
- Draconic Charm
- Moral Flexibility
- Chill Pill
After a brief chat with Kat, I clicked Dual-Use Nostrils and finally became a proper dragon. I panned my snout to aim out through the entrance to my aerie and release a stream of golden fire into the sky outside.
“Now that feels good,” I said as a broad smile spread across my face. I looked at my reflection in a coin. Dragons look pretty terrifying when they smile; it’s too much dentistry and terror. I pulled the menu back up and decided to roll again.
244 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 70 KG.
Evolve: Y/N?
Rolling for evolution choices…
Please select from the following six options:
- Flesh Crafting
- Dragon-With-A-Thousand-Faces
- Aerial Bombardment
- Fear Aura
- Increase Mass
- Potent Acid
“Kat?”
“Hmm?” She was lost in her screens as she spent my treasure.
“What’s Flesh Crafting?” I asked. Her eyes snapped up at me.
“It’s magic, Bob. Not good magic, but it’s your first option to get access to the immaterium and start casting spells.”
“Why isn’t it good?”
“You have to have, erm, subjects so that you can craft their flesh.” She made a moue of distaste.
“Like dead bodies?” I asked, horrified.
“Dead or alive, you can fuck with them if they’re under your power.”
“Ok, so that’s a pass. I’ll wait for magic that’s more interesting and less necro-focused.”
“It’s powerful magic, but yeah, might be better to hang on for something more to your tastes.”
“What’s Dragon-With-A-Thousand-Faces?”
“Eh?” She had gone back to her screens, so I repeated myself.
“Take it.” She hopped up and ran over. “Take it! You never know when it will be an option again! TAKE IT!” she practically screamed at me.
“What–”
“I swear to the Heavens, Bob. If you don’t take it, I will kick you in the nuts!” I didn’t think it would be wise to point out that I lacked that particular weak point. I clicked on option two. I waited a second, and nothing happened. I waited a little longer.
“Nothing happened?” I complained.
“Do you remember what it was like to be a human, Bob? How nice it was to have arms, legs, bollocks? All the nice squishy mammalian parts?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Focus on that thought.” I did as she said. Nothing happened for a moment, but then I started getting into it. Being a dragon was great in a lot of ways. Flying, being able to glare at people and make them crap themselves. Other things. But running on two legs, even something stupid like brushing my hair. I missed it.
“What–” I began as my body began to change. My tail seemed to be sucked up into my spine, it felt like the worst suppository in the history the universe. My yelp of surprised pain went from dragon-brassy to a much higher pitch.
I looked down as my front legs morphed into arms, the scales melting back into skin. After a few seconds, I was looking down at a completely normal human body. I yelped again and clutched at myself as Kat started sniggering.
“Well, you didn’t lose much by becoming a dragon, did you?” she chuckled.