"Read the fine print," Kai wheezed, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh, that’s rich."
"IDENTITY VERIFICATION PENDING," the disembodied voice boomed, its volume increasing. "USER RESPONSE TIMEOUT IMMINENT. PLEASE PROVE YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT."
"I cannot prove anything!" Viscount Pigglesworth shouted, balancing precariously on his right leg. He pointed a trembling finger at his sock-clad left foot. "I am lopsided! Do you expect me to face a tribunal while tilted? It is bad for the spine!"
"Pigglesworth, the room is glowing red," Kai said, struggling to stand up. "Focus on the disembodied voice."
"I will not!" Pigglesworth sniffed. "I have surrendered my sole to your accursed door. I refuse to take another step until my equilibrium is restored."
"I have a solution!" Gideon announced.
The Knight, completely ignoring the threat of deletion, clanked forward. He rummaged through a pouch on his belt and produced a thick, grey wad of fabric. It was stiff, crusty, and smelled faintly of burnt sugar.
"Behold," Gideon said proudly. "The Polishing Rag of the Gourd."
"That is a dirty rag," Pigglesworth recoiled. "It is covered in pumpkin resin."
"It is structural!" Gideon insisted. He grabbed Pigglesworth’s foot before the nobleman could protest and slapped the sticky rag onto the sole of his sock. He wrapped it tight, the industrial-grade sugar acting as an instant adhesive.
"There," Gideon patted the foot. "A boot of sugar and steel. It will not fail you."
"VERIFICATION TIMEOUT IN 10 SECONDS," the voice warned.
"Hurry up!" Kai hissed.
Pigglesworth looked at his foot with horror. He gingerly took a step.
SQUELCH.
The rag stuck to the stone floor. Pigglesworth tried to lift his foot. The rag held fast.
"I am rooted!" Pigglesworth shrieked, flailing his arms. "You have glued me to the architecture!"
"It provides traction!" Gideon argued.
"It provides gum!" Pigglesworth pulled hard. THWOCK. The foot came free with a sound like a suction cup releasing. He took another step. SQUELCH.
"Oh, marvelous," Pigglesworth dripped with sarcasm. "I sound like a walking fruit. Thwock. Thwock. This is the height of indignity."
"We’re moving," Kai said, shoving the Viscount forward. "Before the ceiling melts."
Kai looked up at the red light. "We’re humans! Look! He’s complaining about shoes! Robots don't complain about shoes!"
"VOCAL INPUT DETECTED," the voice droned. "ANALYSIS INCONCLUSIVE. INITIATING CAPTCHA PROTOCOL."
The ground rumbled.
At the far end of the hall, the stone floor split open. A massive stone wall rose from the depths, divided into a perfect 3x3 grid of shifting stone tiles.
Above the grid, fiery letters burned in the air:
[SELECT ALL SQUARES WITH: CHIMNEYS]
"Behold!" Gideon gasped, raising his sticky pumpkin. "The Wall of Riddles!"
"Chimneys?" Viscount Pigglesworth squinted, taking a sticky step forward. Squelch. "Simple enough. I am an expert in architecture."
Kai looked at the grid. The stone tiles shifted, displaying crude, low-resolution images carved into the rock.
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
- Tile 1: A brick stack on a roof.
- Tile 2: A hollow tree stump.
- Tile 3: A man smoking a pipe.
"It’s a test," Kai explained. "Touch the images that match the word. If we fail, the security system wipes us."
"That is a chimney," Pigglesworth pointed to the roof with his cane. "That is a tree. And that..." He paused at the smoking man. "That is a gentleman enjoying tobacco. It is not a structural exhaust."
"The AI might think the smoke counts!" Kai panicked. "Tap the man!"
"I will not!" Pigglesworth scoffed. "It is categorially incorrect! I refuse to validate sloppy definitions!"
"Just do it!" Kai grabbed Pigglesworth’s cane and jabbed the tile of the smoking man.
PING. The tile glowed green.
"Barbarians," Pigglesworth muttered. "The dictionary is dead."
The wall rumbled. The tiles spun. New text appeared.
[SELECT ALL SQUARES WITH: STAIRS]
"Stairs," Gideon nodded. "I shall conquer the ascent!"
He looked at the grid.
- Tile 1: A ladder.
- Tile 2: A slide.
- Tile 3: A black-and-white striped crosswalk.
"What is that?" Gideon pointed at the crosswalk. "Is it a ladder that has fallen down?"
"It’s... it’s a pattern of lines," Kai squinted. "To an AI, it might look like stairs from a top-down view? Or maybe it’s a zebra? Or a piano?"
"It is a ladder for ghosts," Gideon decided. He punched the tile.
BUZZZ.
Red lightning arched from the wall, blasting Gideon backward.
"INCORRECT."
"It bites!" Gideon wheezed, smoke rising from his helmet.
"VISUAL VERIFICATION FAILED," the voice droned. "ASSETS FAILED TO LOAD. SWITCHING TO ACCESSIBILITY MODE."
The images on the wall vanished, replaced by static grey noise. The fiery text flickered and changed.
[AUDIO VERIFICATION REQUIRED] [PLEASE REPLICATE THE SOUND OF: A WARNING SIGNAL]
"A warning signal?" Kai read the text. "It wants us to make a noise."
"I shall warn them!" Gideon took a deep breath and screamed at the top of his lungs. "HAVE AT THEE, VILLAINS!!"
[PROCESSING...] [ERROR: DECIBELS TOO HIGH. PLEASE TRY AGAIN.]
"Too loud," Kai winced, covering his ears. "It wants a standard signal. Like... a horn? A siren?"
"I can whistle," Pigglesworth offered. He pursed his lips and produced a weak, wheezing pffft sound. "My lips are dry. I require hydration."
[ERROR: SOUND NOT RECOGNIZED.] [FINAL ATTEMPT. 10 SECONDS TO LOCKOUT.]
"Think!" Kai yelled. "What sounds like a warning? A beep? A buzzer?"
"Wait," Gideon whispered. His eyes went wide.
He reached down to his belt. Next to the sticky pumpkin, tied with a piece of twine, was the rusted, red relic given to him by the Cult of the Squeak back in Oakhaven.
"The Chime," Gideon breathed. "The Chime of Dismissal."
"Gideon, that’s a tricycle bell," Kai said. "I don't think—"
"It warns the pedestrians of the Holy Path!" Gideon shouted. "It signals the coming of the Great Wheel!"
"03 SECONDS."
Gideon unhooked the bell. He held it up to the stone wall's audio receiver. He slammed his armored thumb against the lever.
TRING-TRING.
The sound was small, tinny, and sharp. It cut through the silence of the temple.
TRING-TRING.
The room froze. The red lightning stopped charging. The massive stone face of the Guardian seemed to listen.
[INPUT RECEIVED] [ANALYZING FREQUENCY...] [MATCH FOUND: MECHANICAL BELL / ALERT TONE]
The fiery text turned green.
[HUMANITY VERIFIED.] [WELCOME, USERS.]
The red light vanished. The massive stone wall groaned and sank back into the floor, revealing a dark corridor leading deeper into the temple.
"It worked," Kai whispered, sliding down to the floor. "It accepted the tricycle bell as a valid warning signal."
"I told you!" Gideon cheered, kissing the rusty metal. "The Cult of the Squeak speaks the truth! The Chime holds power over the spirits of the gate!"
"It’s just an audio match," Kai muttered. "But I'll take it."
"I still cannot feel my left ear from the shouting," Pigglesworth complained, picking up his cane and taking a step toward the corridor. Squelch. "And I demand to know who designed that art. A smoking man is not a chimney. It is simply rude."
"We're in," Kai said, standing up. "Let's find the inner sanctum before it asks us to identify a captcha of a traffic light."
They walked into the darkness. Behind them, the stone floor sealed shut.
[System Notification] [Zone Unlocked: The Cache of Cookies] [Warning: Tracking Enabled.]
Kai paused. He sniffed the air.
"Do you smell... vanilla?"
Gideon’s stomach gave a mighty roar.
"The Gods reward us!" Gideon cried, breaking into a run. "To the bakery of salvation!"
"Gideon, wait!" Kai ran after him. "It’s a trap! It's never just a cookie!"
But the Knight was already gone, sprinting toward the smell of sugar and doom.
Next Up: We have unlocked The Cache of Cookies. Gideon is hungry. Kai is worried. And Pigglesworth is still sticky.