The Citadel of Scrapped Ideas wasn't really a castle, it was a pile.

  It looked like a toddler had dumped three different LEGO sets onto a table, smashed them together, and set the table on fire. The outer wall was half-medieval stone, half-neon cyberpunk glass. There was a drawbridge, but instead of water, the moat was filled with untextured purple squares that bobbed up and down like angry jelly.

  "Magnificent," Gideon breathed, staring up at a turret that was floating three feet to the left of where it should be. "The architecture... . It is a city of pure faith."

  "It's a rendering error," Kai muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Don't walk under it. If the physics engine wakes up, that tower is going to drop on your head."

  "The Physics Engine," Gideon nodded sagely. "A temperamental god, indeed."

  They passed through the main gate which was just a giant 2D cardboard cutout and entered the city proper.

  If the Swamp was depressing, the Citadel was a headache. The streets were a chaotic mashup of rejected art styles. To their left, a gritty, noir detective in black & white was selling cigarettes to an anime girl with eyes the size of dinner plates.

  Kai stopped by a wall. He reached out and touched the bricks. His hand clipped right through them.

  "I worked on this," Kai whispered, a cold feeling settling in his stomach. "Project Aether. We cancelled it three years ago because the lighting was broken. I... I wrote the script that deleted these assets."

  He looked around the chaotic street. These weren't just random glitches. This was a graveyard of his own work. Every flickering light and broken NPC was something he or his colleagues had crunched on, deemed "not good enough," and tossed into the bin.

  "Kai?" Gideon’s voice broke his trance. The Knight was looking at him with concern, the rotting pumpkin on his head tilting slightly. "You look as if you have seen a ghost."

  "I made the ghosts, Gideon," Kai said quietly. "I'm the reason they're here."

  "Then you are their Father," Gideon nodded solemnly. "And a Father must visit his children eventually. Come. The Tripod noble requires aid."

  Kai looked down. Pigglesworth was in agony. The Viscount was leaning heavily on his cane, his one shoeless foot held gingerly in the air. His purple sock was now covered in digital grime.

  "I require a cobbler!" Pigglesworth shrieked at a passing robot. "My arch is collapsing! My dignity is fraying! I am a noble, not a pogo stick!"

  "Keep your voice down," Kai hissed. "We don't know the rules here."

  They scanned the street until they found a stall marked [SHOP_NAME_PLACEHOLDER].

  The building was just a wooden box with no windows. Standing behind the counter was a merchant in a generic brown robe. He had arms, legs, and a hood. But where his face should have been, there was nothing. Just a smooth, light brown coloured egg.

  Floating above his head was a bright yellow ?.

  "Greetings!" the Merchant boomed. His voice sounded like three different people talking at once. "Welcome to [Shop_Name]! I sell [Item_List]!"

  "By the Saints," Gideon stepped back, hand on his sword. "A Faceless Monk! He has surrendered his visage for the trade! Such devotion to commerce!"

  "He's unrendered," Kai corrected. "The artist never finished the face texture."

  "A vow of silence for the face," Gideon whispered. "Profound."

  "I do not care about his lack of features!" Pigglesworth hopped forward and slammed his cane on the counter. "You there! Egg-Man! Do you have footwear? I require a shoe of noble birth! Size six, narrow heel!"

  The Faceless Merchant tilted his head.

  "Query: Shoe?"

  "Yes! A shoe! A loafer! A boot!" Pigglesworth gestured frantically at his muddy sock. "Cover my shame!"

  The Merchant paused. A loading bar appeared over his head for three seconds.

  "Result: Found."

  The Merchant reached under the counter and pulled out a single boot.

  It was beautiful. It was made of polished mahogany leather with gold buckles. It looked expensive. It looked heroic.

  "Perfection!" Pigglesworth gasped, snatching it. "Finally, a civilized garment!"

  He shoved his foot into the boot. It slid on effortlessly. He stood up, balancing on two feet for the first time in hours. He smiled.

  He put his weight on it.

  "AAAAAH! MY SPLEEN!"

  The scream didn't come from Pigglesworth. It came from the floor.

  Pigglesworth jumped, nearly toppling over. "What in the blazes?"

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  "Wait," Kai narrowed his eyes. "Step again."

  Pigglesworth took a tentative step.

  "WHY ME?! OH GOD, WHY?!" the boot shrieked in a terrified man's voice.

  "I know this bug," Kai groaned, burying his face in his hands. "It's an audio asset mix-up. They mapped the wrong sound file to the footstep trigger. Instead of a clack , it plays a death scream."

  "A soul is trapped in the leather!" Gideon gasped, drawing his sword. "It screams in agony with every step! Pigglesworth, cast it off! It is necromancy!"

  "It is... distressing," Pigglesworth said, looking down at his foot. He took another step.

  "TELL MY MOTHER I TRIED!" the boot yelled.

  "But," Pigglesworth added, admiring the leather, "it fits remarkably well. And the ankle support is divine."

  "You can't be serious," Kai stared at him. "You're going to wear the screaming shoe?"

  "I am a Viscount!" Pigglesworth declared, adjusting his cravat. "I will not walk barefoot like a savage! If I must walk loudly to maintain my station, then so be it. The suffering of the sole is the price of fashion."

  "Fine," Kai sighed. He turned to the Faceless Merchant. "How much for the cursed boot?"

  The Merchant tilted his head. "Cost: 500 Gold."

  Kai winced. He mentally checked his inventory status.

  [Current Wallet: -14,200 Gold] (Outstanding Debts: Tutorial Fee, Breathing Tax, Existence Subscription).

  "Uh," Kai rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm a little liquid-deficient right now. Do you accept an I.O.U. from a developer?"

  "Wait," the Merchant interrupted. "Error. Currency [Gold] not supported in Zone [Trash]. Accepted Currency: [Nostalgia] or [Context]."

  "Context?" Kai blinked. "You want me to pay you in context?"

  "He desires a story!" Gideon stepped forward, his pumpkin helmet bobbing. "He is a Faceless Monk starving for meaning! He cannot accept coin, for coin has no soul here. He needs to know why we fight!"

  "Gideon, we don't have any items with 'Context'," Kai said. "We just have junk."

  "No, Kai," Gideon said softly. "We have treasure."

  Gideon reached into his pouch. He pulled out the Banana of Friendship.

  It was slightly bruised now. It was the banana given to him by the Ape in the previous zone the Ape that Kai knew was just a glitched mob, but Gideon believed was a Diplomat who had sacrificed himself to save them.

  "Gideon," Kai warned. "That's your... relic. You love that thing."

  "A Knight makes sacrifices for his allies," Gideon said, his voice trembling slightly. "Even for a tripod noble."

  Gideon placed the banana on the counter. He looked the Faceless Merchant in the egg-head.

  "This," Gideon declared, his voice booming with emotion, "is not mere fruit. It is the Golden Crescent of the Lost Diplomat."

  The Merchant stood still.

  "He was a hairy king," Gideon continued, a single tear leaking out from under his pumpkin helmet. "He spoke no words, yet he said everything. He held the line against the Darkness so that we might live. He gave me this Crescent as a pledge of alliance before he was swept away by the Great Glitch."

  Pigglesworth stopped admiring his shoe. He looked at Gideon. "You... you are giving up the fruit?"

  "It contains the taste of Brotherhood," Gideon whispered. "It is priceless."

  The Merchant’s Question Mark flashed rapidly. It turned from yellow to a deep, reverent blue.

  [Processing Narrative...] [Lore Value: CRITICAL.] [Emotional Weight: 100%.]

  "He feels it," Kai watched in amazement. The system wasn't scanning the item; it was scanning Gideon's belief in the item. "To the game, that banana is a legendary artifact because Gideon believes it is."

  "Trade Accepted," the Merchant said, his voice surprisingly soft. "Item [Screaming Boot] transferred. The Crescent shall be preserved."

  The Merchant took the banana and placed it gently on a velvet pillow behind the counter.

  "Farewell, Diplomat," Gideon whispered. He turned to Pigglesworth. "Walk tall, Viscount. You wear a boot bought with a hero's legacy."

  Pigglesworth looked at the boot. For once, he didn't make a snide comment. He bowed his head slightly. "I shall endeavor to walk with... appropriate volume."

  "Let's go," Kai said, patting Gideon on the shoulder. "That was a good trade, buddy."

  They walked away from the stall. The sound of their departure echoed through the bizarre street.

  Clack. (Kai’s boot). Clank. (Gideon’s armor). "NOT THE FACE!" (Pigglesworth’s left foot).

  "We need a place to rest," Kai shouted over the screaming shoe. "Somewhere with walls."

  Gideon wiped his eyes and pointed down the street. "Behold! An establishment of respite!"

  Hanging above a crooked door was a sign. The text on the sign hadn't been replaced by the developers yet. It simply read, in bold default font:

  [THE TAVERN OF LOREM IPSUM] (Insert Description Here)

  "The Tavern of Lorem Ipsum," Gideon read it like a sacred prophecy. "A name of mystery. It sounds Latin. Perhaps it is a temple of silence."

  "It's placeholder text," Kai sighed. "It just means the writers gave up. But it's better than sleeping in the street."

  They marched toward the door. Pigglesworth clack-SCREAM-clacked his way forward.

  But as they reached the entrance, the air suddenly filled with a low, buzzing hum. It sounded like a refrigerator about to explode.

  A wall of purple static flickered into existence, blocking the tavern door.

  "Halt," a monotone voice droned.

  Kai looked up. Floating three inches off the ground, blocking their path, were four figures dressed in peasant rags. Their arms were held rigidly out to the sides in a T-shape. Their legs were not moving. They were just gliding forward, their faces frozen in dead, wide-eyed stares.

  "The T-Posers," Kai groaned. "I thought we left them in the Tutorial."

  "The Order of the Horizontal Cross!" Gideon drew his sword. "They block the sanctuary! Stand back, Pigglesworth! Your shoe is no match for their lack of movement!"

  One of the T-Posers glided forward, clipping slightly through a crate.

  [NPC: Cultist of the Static] [Status: Broken]

  "We are the Banished," the Cultist buzzed, his lips not moving. "The Tavern is closed. The Text... is not yet written."

  Kai instinctively reached for his interface, though he suspected you couldn't debug something with a broken hitbox.

  "Great," Kai muttered. "We're in a trash can, fighting deleted cultists, outside a tavern that doesn't exist yet."

  "MY LEG!" Pigglesworth’s shoe screamed as he shifted his weight.

  "Quiet, shoe!" Gideon commanded. "The Battle for the Lorem Ipsum begins now!"

  [System Notification: Combat Initiated (Sort of).]

  [System Message: New Recommended Reading Detected] If you enjoy Isekai but want a protagonist who builds things instead of deleting them, click the box below!