[LOCATION: DEEP CODE CANYON] [PHYSICS: 50% LOADING...]

  The "Force Move" command did not feel like travel. It felt like being shoved through a keyhole made of static.

  One moment, they were in Oakhaven. Next, the world stretched. Colors inverted. Sound became a high-pitched scream. Then….THUD.

  They slammed into hard, purple dirt. Kai groaned, peeling his face off the ground. "Note to self: Never force refresh a 3D object without buckling up."

  "We are alive!" Sir Gideon cheered, standing up and checking his limbs. "I still have my arms! And my hammer! And my spirit!"

  "We are not safe," Grom growled, spinning the barrels of The Severance Package. He scanned the horizon, his tie-bandana fluttering in the wind. "This zone... it violates all zoning laws. It looks like a failed project."

  They were standing on the edge of the Deep Code Canyon. It was a digital wasteland. The sky wasn't blue; it was a static-filled gray void that flickered like a broken fluorescent light. The mountains in the distance were just wireframe grids, see-through and glowing neon green. Floating islands of dirt hovered in the air, defying gravity.

  Kai whispered. "The Developer's graveyard."

  "Graveyard?" Gideon looked at the wireframe trees. "Nay, Wizard! This is the Realm of Unfinished Dreams! Look at those ghost-trees! The Gods stopped painting them halfway through! It is artistic laziness!"

  "It is Structural Negligence!" Borg shivered, clutching his clipboard. He threw a rock at a nearby tree. The rock passed straight through the trunk and vanished. "The air is solid, but the wood is air! This entire valley is a Liability Lawsuit waiting to happen!"

  "My velvet is soiled," Viscount Pigglesworth complained.

  The short, round human nobleman was standing in the purple dirt, looking horrified. He dusted off his expensive suit and adjusted his monocle. "This place is hideous," Pigglesworth sniffed. "The color palette is garish. The lighting is unflattering. And where is the staff? "

  "Quiet," Grom snapped. He sniffed the air. "I smell... distinct organic matter."

  WHOOSH.

  Something green and long whipped through the air. It wrapped around Gideon’s ankle. "HAVING A NICE TRIP?" a high-pitched voice squeaked. YANK. Gideon was pulled off his feet, dragging through the purple dirt.

  "AMBUSH!" Gideon roared. "THE DRUIDS ATTACK!"

  From the wireframe shadows, they emerged. The Leek Syndicate.

  They were tall, slender anthropomorphic Leeks. They wore black ninja headbands emblazoned with a purple crest: A Golden Colander. They didn't carry swords or shuriken, they wielded themselves. Their long, green stalks were flexible, whipping through the air like nunchucks.

  There were dozens of them. They moved with a strange, rhythmic spinning motion.

  [ENEMY DETECTED: LEEK ASSASSIN (LVL 45)] [FACTION: VEGETABLE COURT] [LEADER: HATTORI HAN STALK]

  The leader stepped forward. He was taller than the others, and his leafy head-stalk was tied back in a warrior’s topknot. "The Duke sends his regards!" Hattori Han Stalk hissed. "His Grace, the Smooth One, demands your erasure!"

  "Why does he care about us?" Kai asked, raising his hands.

  "Because the Duke feeds on validation!" Hattori spun his nunchuck-body. "He is a creature of pure aesthetic! He cannot abide a 1 Star World! To exist is to be reviewed, and he demands a perfect score!"

  "Hostile takeover imminent!" Grom roared. "Liquidate them!"

  BRRRRRRT. The Severance Package spun up. A stream of high velocity red staplers tore through the air. The Leeks were fast. They spun their bodies, creating a centrifugal shield that deflected the office supplies.

  Ping. Ping. Ping.

  Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  "We cannot penetrate their defense!" Borg yelled, hiding behind a rock. "Their rotations are too high! It is a Safety Hazard!"

  Hattori Han-Stalk landed on a floating rock, ignoring the gunfire. He pointed a leafy finger at Pigglesworth.

  "But you..." the ninja’s voice dropped an octave, trembling with pure, personal hatred. "The Duke ordered us to eliminate the Wizard. But for you, Round One... it is personal."

  Pigglesworth stiffened. "Me? I am just a patron! I am not a combat personnel!"

  "We know who you are!" Hattori hissed. "You are Pigglesworth the Gourmand! The Critic of the Capital! You ordered the Cream of Leek Soup at the Royal Banquet last winter!"

  The Syndicate gasped. The rotational speed of their spinning slowed down as they shuddered in horror.

  "You rated it 4 Stars!" Hattori shrieked. "You said it lacked... complexity!"

  "It was bland!" Pigglesworth shouted back, finding a shred of courage in his culinary convictions. "It needed nutmeg! I stand by my review!"

  "DEATH TO THE CRITIC!" The Leeks shrieked. "THE DUKE WANTS THE WIZARD, BUT THE SYNDICATE WANTS THE CRITIC!"

  The entire swarm turned toward him. Dozens of green ninjas lunged at once. Pigglesworth stumbled backward, tripping over a wireframe root. "HELP! I DO NOT WISH TO BE A SALAD!"

  "They're swarming him!" Maya screamed, painting a shield that instantly shattered under the leek whips. "He's going down!"

  Kai panicked. Pigglesworth was annoying, but he was their annoying noble. Kai didn't have a combat spell ready. He didn't have a weapon. He just yelled the first tactical command that came to his mind.

  He cupped his hands and screamed at Grom and Gideon: "GUYS! BACK HIM UP! HE'S ALONE! BACK HIM UP!"

  The air suddenly froze. The static in the sky turned red. A familiar, cheery PING echoed through the canyon.

  [VOICE COMMAND DETECTED: "BACK HIM UP"] [AUTOCORRECT INTERPRETATION: "SYSTEM BACKUP"] [INITIATING DATA REDUNDANCY PROTOCOL...]

  "Wait, what?" Kai froze. "No! I meant to help him! I meant support!"

  [CREATING RESTORE POINTS...] [ERROR: STORAGE FULL. DUMPING FILES TO LOCAL DRIVE.]

  The air around Pigglesworth glitched. It looked like a hall of mirrors shattering. POP. POP. POP. POP.

  Suddenly, the canyon wasn't just purple dirt. It was velvet. Dozens no, hundreds of short, round men materialized out of thin air. They spilled out of the glitch like popcorn.

  It was an army alright, an army of Pigglesworths.

  Most of them immediately wandered off, arguing with the air or demanding to speak to a manager, but about fifty of them stayed focused enough to scream at the vegetables.

  "I SAY!" Pigglesworth #1 shouted. "WHO ARE YOU?" Pigglesworth #12 demanded, looking at #1. "THAT IS MY SUIT!" Pigglesworth #34 bellowed. "THIS AREA IS TOO CROWDED!" Pigglesworth #50 roared. "I DEMAND PERSONAL SPACE!"

  And, piercing through the noise, one clone pointed at the river of code and screamed: "EXCUSE ME! THIS WATER IS TOO WET! I DEMAND A DRYER BEVERAGE!"

  The noise was deafening. It wasn't a battle cry; it was a symphony of dissatisfaction. A hurricane of entitlement.

  The Leeks froze mid air. They were warriors trained by Duke Aubergine. They could handle swords. They could handle insults. They could not handle fifty wealthy patrons sending back their food simultaneously.

  "TOO MUCH FEEDBACK!" Hattori Han-Stalk clutched his head stalk, wilting visibly. "THE NEGATIVITY! IT BURNS! OUR AGGREGATE SCORE IS DROPPING!"

  "ZERO STARS!" The Pigglesworth Army chanted in unison, pointing their fingers. "ZERO STARS! REFUND!"

  [CRITICAL HIT: EMOTIONAL DAMAGE] [ENEMY STATUS: DEPRESSED]

  "They are broken!" Grom yelled, staring at the swarm of clones in disbelief. "Their morale is plummeting! Finish the merger!"

  Gideon charged, his hammer glowing with light. "FOR THE SOUP!" He swung and it bypassed the Leek's defenses. BONK. Hattori Han-Stalk turned into a pile of loot (mostly green onions and silver coins).

  Grom opened fire again. This time, the depressed Leeks didn't dodge. They just stood there, accepting their fate as "bad product."

  In seconds, the Syndicate was defeated. The spell began to fade. The System realized it didn't have the RAM to sustain fifty Pigglesworth. BZZT. The clones flickered and popped out of existence, one by one. "My tea is coldddd..." one faded away. "Do you know who I ammm..." another vanished.

  Finally, only the original Viscount remained. He breathed heavily, checking his reflection in his monocle to make sure he was the original. (He had a moment of panic where he wasn't sure, but then he found a truffle in his pocket and knew he was the Prime Pigglesworth).

  He pulled out a small leather notebook and a fountain pen.

  "Terrifying," Pigglesworth muttered, scribbling furiously. "Absolutely dreadful experience. Being multiplied is tacky. It cheapens the brand."

  He looked up at Kai. "I am rating this rescue 2 stars. Next time, please use a less derivative method of salvation."

  "I tried to say 'Support'," Kai sighed, rubbing his temples. "The System heard 'Backup'. I hate this OS."

  "We must move," Grom kicked a pile of chopped leeks. He pointed up. The Great Polish beam was advancing from the south. The wireframe mountains behind them were slowly turning into gray cones. And ahead of them, deep in the canyon, lay the darker, broken lands where the gravity looked wrong and the colors looked washed out.

  "Into the Abyss," Gideon whispered, raising his hammer.

  [XP GAINED: 2,000] [ITEM DROPPED: HATTORI'S HEADBAND (Accessory +50 Cooking Skill)]