Borg and Vex carried the Red Tricycle shoulder high on a makeshift palanquin made of shields. They walked with solemn, synchronized steps, shushing any dungeon bats that squeaked too loudly near the "Sleeping Deity."
Behind them, Gideon carried the comatose Viscount Pigglesworth like a sack of potatoes. Pigglesworth was stiff as a board, occasionally sleep-muttering things like, "The paisley... it clashes," and "Error... more lemon."
Kai walked in the back, dragging his staff, trying to pretend he didn't know any of them.
As they reached the surface, the fresh air hit them. The pink-and-black checkerboard rocks at the entrance flickered once, then turned into a perfectly normal, high-definition boulder.
"The world has healed," Gideon noted, tapping the stone with his boot. "The curse has lifted."
Kai gripped his staff. The texture loaded, he thought. But the memory leak is still there.
Back at the Guild Hall, the arrival of the "Tricycle Cult" caused a minor sensation.
Grom was waiting in his office. He looked at the rescued party worshipping the bike, then at the drooling Viscount, and finally at Kai.
"Excellent deliverables," Grom rumbled, unflappable as always. "Project 'Bug Hunt' is officially closed."
He pulled out a massive ledger and a quill.
"Now," Grom said, dipping the quill in ink. "Let us settle the accounts."
Kai perked up. Finally. He was 8,000 gold in debt, but they had saved a noble, rescued four adventurers, and fixed a reality-eating glitch. Surely, the reward would be massive.
"Quest Reward," Grom mumbled, writing. "+1,000 Gold."
"Yes!" Kai pumped his fist. "That puts a dent in it!"
"However," Grom continued, his voice flat. "We have some operational overhead to address."
He started writing faster, the quill scratching loudly.
"Item 1: Unauthorized Deletion of a Tier 5 Asset (The Boss). We had to pay a rushed 'Texture Restoration Fee' to fix the hole you left in the universe. -400 Gold."
Kai’s smile faltered. "It was trying to kill us!"
"Item 2:," Grom ignored him. "Excessive use of Guild Resources. Specifically, Viscount Pigglesworth. He ordered a 'Crisis Tea Service' while unconscious. We had to import chamomile from the Elven Capital. -300 Gold."
"He's asleep!" Kai protested. "How did he order tea?"
"He mumbles with authority," Grom said. "The staff was too scared to say no. Item 3: Zoning Violation. You left a Red Tricycle in a dungeon zoned for 'Grimdark Fantasy'. The HOA fines are astronomical. -500 Gold."
"That leaves me with... negative 200 gold?" Kai did the math, horrified.
"Not quite," Grom said, turning the page. "There is also the 'Server Stability Tax', the 'Adventurer Rescue Surcharge', and the 'Processing Fee for Processing the Fees'."
Grom slammed a stamp onto the parchment. THUD.
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"Congratulations," Grom beamed, sliding the paper across the desk. "Your debt has been adjusted. You now owe the Guild 12,400 Gold."
Kai stared at the paper. The number was written in bright red ink.
"I... I went backwards," Kai whispered. "I saved the world, and I lost four thousand gold."
"That is the cost of doing business," Grom nodded sagely. "But look at the exposure you gained! Great for the portfolio."
"Huzzah!" Gideon peered over Kai's shoulder. "Twelve thousand! That is a massive number! We are winning, my Lord!"
"It's a debt, Gideon," Kai put his head in his hands. "We are losing the economy. We are being crushed by the economy."
"A high score is a high score!" Gideon clapped Kai on the back, nearly dislocating his shoulder. "We must strive for twenty thousand!"
"There is one more thing," Grom said, ignoring Kai's financial ruin. He pulled a dark stone from his drawer. "The Beast dropped this. It hums with a strange vibration."
Kai touched it. ZZZT. A nasty static shock that tasted like licking a battery.
ERROR_LOG_DUMP.dmp
[System Warning: Risk of Corruption. Execute?]
Kai hesitated. He looked at the ledger that said he was destitute. He looked at Pigglesworth, who was racking up bills in his sleep. He looked at the adventurers praying to the bike.
I am trapped in a predatory capitalist RPG, Kai thought. I have nothing left to lose.
He pressed his thumb to the stone.
FLASH-POP.
A dense cloud of white smoke smelling of cheap photocopier toner exploded in the office.
"Ambush!" Gideon yelled, drawing his sticky pumpkin. "A cloud demon!"
The smoke cleared. Hovering in the air at eye level was a glowing, silver shape.
It was a Paperclip.
A simple piece of bent wire with two hyper-realistic, unsettlingly moist human eyes attached to it. It had white gloved hands that floated disembodied beside it.
Kai let out a strangled scream and scrambled backward over Grom’s desk. "NO! GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS!"
"What is it?" Gideon shouted, shielding his eyes. "Is it a silver serpent?"
The Paperclip bobbed happily. Its metal body bent into a cheerful wave.
"Hi there!" the entity chirped. Its voice was a chipper, digitized nightmare. "It looks like you're trying to Fix Reality! Would you like some help with that?"
A holographic menu popped up, written in horrifyingly brightly colored Comic Sans font.
"It speaks in riddles!" Gideon gasped. "And it summons runes of many colors!"
"It’s an Assistant," Kai whispered, trembling. "It’s the final boss of annoying software. Grom, burn it! Burn the whole building down!"
"I cannot," Grom said, staring at the clip. "It has... aggressive helpfulness. Perhaps it can help audit the ledger?"
"I see you're struggling to choose!" The Paperclip bobbed right up to Kai's nose. "I have detected that your existence is Unoptimized. Would you like me to delete your anxiety? This may involve removing your frontal lobe! It's a very popular feature!"
"NO ORGAN REMOVAL!" Kai shrieked. "Just tell me where the Server Room is!"
"Searching for: 'Home'," the Assistant hummed. Its eyes spun like slot machine wheels. "Ding! Result found: Server Room Alpha. Path is treacherous! It requires traversing the Spaghetti Code Wilderness."
"Spaghetti Code?" Kai whimpered.
"Is that... a forest made of pasta?" Gideon asked, lowering his weapon, intrigued.
"No, Gideon," Kai said, burying his face in his hands. "It means the world is a mess. A chaotic, tangled mess."
"Survival probability is a whopping 12%!" The Paperclip winked.
Kai looked at the rebooting Viscount (who was costing him money by the minute), the sticky Knight (who thought debt was a high score), and the sentient Paperclip.
"I have to go," Kai whispered. "I have to reset this whole stupid world before Grom charges me for breathing the air."
"Does this Pasta Forest have scones?"
Pigglesworth hadn't moved from his chair, but one eye had popped open.
"Affirmative!" The Paperclip chirped, conjuring a holographic image of a scone that looked slightly radioactive. "I have added 'Scones' to the critical path!"
Pigglesworth stood up. He swayed, looking like death warmed over in velvet. He dusted off Gideon's cloak, which had been draped over him.
"Well," the Viscount said, adjusting his crooked monocle. "If there is catering, I suppose I can supervise. Lead on, twisted silver spirit."
"Huzzah!" Gideon cheered, raising his pumpkin high. "The party is assembled! To the wilderness of noodles! And to twenty thousand debt!"
Kai sighed, a sound that came from the very bottom of his soul.
"God help us all," Kai muttered.
The Paperclip bobbed excitedly. "God has been deprecated in Patch 1.4! But I'm here now! Let's go!"
Current Status:
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Kai: Level NaN. Debt: 12,400 Gold (High Score!).
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Gideon: Confused but enthusiastic.
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Pigglesworth: Rebooting.
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Clippy: Watching. Always watching.
Follows and Ratings. If you laughed at Pigglesworth or the Paperclip, please take 2 seconds to hit Follow. It tells the System that this story is worth saving from the deletion bin.
Next up: Arc 2 - The Spaghetti Code Wilderness! Things are going to get much, much stupider.