“Now I’ve seen a lot of shit in my years covering the Dominion Ultrimax Contest, folks, but I’m telling you now, I’ve never seen something like this. I mean, he just shot that skull right out of his head.”
The host appeared on screen once more, shaking his head and grinning.
“Truly an instant classic, and apparently our baseball champion is still alive and kicking. But he might not be for much longer, so I’m putting out the call. If you’re out there, Pinch Hitter Pete, why not call in and have a chat? I’m just dying to know what you were thinking at the moment you struck that home run ball!”
A message showed up in front of Pete, surrounded by glittering golden sparkles.
>> INVITE REQUEST: Join a live broadcast of The Coin Cam: Noob Confessions.
COST: 500 Belch Bucks.
“Jesus! They’re stinging us for that!” Sam blurted.
[Nero] Nonetheless, I would suggest paying the fee, Pete. A chance to engage directly with a show of this nature is a remarkable opportunity, particularly given that you have yet to enter the Novice Arena. Typically, noob-status players are not permitted to speak directly with show hosts, but it appears as though the Mammon System has decided to relax the rules a little.
“It’s live though,” Pete said. “What if I screw it up? Or what if this Nutsac guy tries to screw me over?”
[Nero] Consider the number of fans you may pick up off the back of this appearance, Pete. Even if you do not do exceptionally well, this will still add to your reputation and spread word of your achievements. In my experience, it is best to try to capitalize on your successes because the tide can turn swiftly, and you may not be in favor for long. I would counsel you to call in and just try to be memorable. Whether it is a catastrophic failure or a great success, if you can be memorable, it will have been well worth the cost.
“Agreed,” Sam said. “Just smile and answer his questions and try to be charming, or whatever. Here, I’ll swing you the money again!”
Pete took a deep breath, thinking through what he might say once the call went through, then realizing that there was no call and no cameras. None that he could see anyway.
“Where am I supposed to look?” he said.
[Nero] Simply look straight ahead, Pete, and it will seem as though you are conversing with the host directly. All will become clear once you have paid the price, but do not delay much longer, as I fear the offer will expire and Grizneck Nutsac will choose another player to interview.
Pete nodded, taking another deep breath and paying the money.
>> PAYMENT RECEIVED. INVITE ACCEPTED
You will join the live broadcast of The Coin Cam: Noob Confessions in 3…2…1…
“Welcome Pete Harrison, hooman Penny Pincher!”
Pete smiled as the entire scene shifted, and he found himself suddenly sitting opposite Grizneck Nutsac in a small studio with a desk between them and floating cameras hovering nearby. He blinked, looking around the small studio, puzzled.
“I understood it was customary for hoomans to greet one another politely when first meeting?” Nutsac continued. “Was I wrong, Pete Harrison?”
Pete blinked, turning to face the goblin.
“No, sorry. I… I just didn’t expect to be here in person. I thought there would be a camera or…” He shook his head. “Anyway, nice to meet you. Ah… thanks for having me on your show.”
Nutsac positively beamed with delight.
“And thank you for joining us on this, the first-ever appearance of a noob on any Dominion Ultrimax feed show!”
He turned away from Pete, looking directly into one of the floating cameras.
“That’s right, folks, we’re making history here. For the first time ever, we’re being given access to the fodder! We’ll get to speak directly to a noob and see what it’s really like on the front lines!”
[Pete-Private-Nero] What the hell is going on here, Nero?
[Nero-Private-Pete] What do you mean?
[Pete-Private-Nero] I mean, how am I here? Or… am I actually here, or am I still back in the RV?
[Nero-Private-Pete] Your consciousness has been thrown out into the feed network, and you have been given a proxy body for the duration of the interview. This is how such things are done, but your real body is still here with us. You are currently standing in place with your eyes closed.
Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.
“Well?” Nutsac pressed.
Pete blinked, realizing that the goblin had asked him a question.
“Sorry. I was a million miles away.” Pete smiled in what he hoped was an endearing manner. “I’m still getting used to all this advanced technology.”
Nutsac nodded, but Pete could see that he was losing interest. Pete could sense the crowd gathered around feed screens all over the Dominion beginning to lose interest as well. He had to change that. Whatever happened, he needed this to be memorable.
“I asked what you were experiencing in the moment before you hit that Dice Baron’s skull for six,” the host repeated.
Pete nodded. “Confusion, mostly. I mean, there were a bunch of messages showing up, and I was right in the middle of a fight and… Well, there was just a lot going on.”
The goblin nodded, actually sighing in response and not bothering to hide his clear disappointment.
“Confusion? You didn’t feel elation, the thrill of the fight, the sense of absolute power coursing through your veins?!”
Pete shook his head, unsure of how he should reply, but positive that he was likely doing the opposite of what he was supposed to do. Once more, the goblin host sighed.
“Well, that’s a tad less thrilling than I was hoping for, especially for this first—”
“Mad!” Pete blurted.
Nutsac turned around, one eyebrow crooking up. “I beg your pardon.”
“I was lying before,” Pete said, starting to freewheel and hoping he wasn’t just about to make a gigantic mistake. “I wasn’t confused; I was fucking pissed! The day started off with some massive obelisk totaling my car, then, before I knew what the hell was going on, I’d got goblins chasing me with spears! Then I found out that my whole world had been invaded because of some batshit insane contest, and I’m gonna have to kill to survive while everyone I know is locked up and made into corporate slaves!”
Pete felt his cheeks redden as he continued, as all the confusion and frustration and anger he had experienced since he first walked outside his apartment, what seemed like a decade ago, bubbled up from within. He saw the excitement in Nutsac’s eyes and, instead of checking himself, decided to go for it.
“You throw your own damned people at us like they’re worthless, forcing us to cut their heads off or blow them to smithereens like it’s all a sick fucking game. But this isn’t a game! It’s our lives! We’re more than just contestants in your crazy-ass contest. We deserve better than to be slaughtered for your fucking entertainment!”
He thought of his mother, locked in her home like billions of other humans—those that weren’t disintegrated in the opening moments of the contest. He thought of Craig pinned to the wheel and bleeding out, of Mrs. Cooper trapped inside her pet’s body, of Ollie probably fighting to stay alive.
Pete shook his head.
“That’s what I felt. I wasn’t worried about hitting a home run or making some spectacular kill. I was just angry, frustrated, and fed up with this game, with the fucking Mammon System, and most of all, with that fucking ugly prick with the pointy ears who plasters his face on every coin and vending machine like some needy little child!”
Pete grimaced. “Fuck Tongsly Belch! Fuck the Mammon System, and fuck this game!”
He leaned back, still fuming and wondering whether he’d just made a terrible mistake. That feeling was confirmed when Nero spoke up.
[Nero-Private-Pete] Oh my. I think you may have just caused your own destruction, Pete. It was a pleasure serving as your AI tutor for this short period. I wish you well in whatever afterlife you believe in.
Nutsac’s eyes were wide as he leaned back in his chair, staring at Pete as though he’d just been slapped across the face. Slowly, the corners of the host’s mouth began to hike upward, broadening into a wide smile as he started clapping.
“Bravo, Pete Harrison!” Nutsac said. “Bravo indeed!” He shook his head, eyes still bulging as he turned to face the camera. “It takes a brave man to insult our illustrious leader like that, and an even braver man to insult the System, which holds his life in its hands. But there you have it, folks. It was brief, it was explosive, it was thrilling, and now it’s over.”
He turned back to Pete.
“Thank you, Pete, for joining us and making history. I wish you well for the future, however brief that may be. Farewell, and thank you for your stirring words!”
The RV cabin suddenly came back into view, and Pete staggered backward a step. He looked around, seeing Craig and the other goblins staring wide-eyed while Sam was peering through from the driver’s seat, the vehicle having stopped in the middle of the road.
“Holy shit!” Sam barked.
“Had to be said,” Coop said with an approving nod. “Gotta keep these little green bastards in their place.”
“I mean…HOLY SHIT!” Sam repeated, grinning broadly.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Rage Against the Machine (Literally)!
Congratulations! You just insulted…ME, THE SYSTEM! Some might say that’s about as smart as sticking your love nuggets inside the open mouth of a lion and then flicking it in the eye with a wet towel, but who knows, maybe you’ve just got a death wish? Sure, pitting yourself against the MAMMON SYSTEM is about as smart as taking a bath with a plugged-in toaster or walking into a hobgoblin biker bar wearing nothing but a pink tutu and a tattoo on your back that reads ‘mommy’s boy,’ but you weren’t chosen for this contest because of your intelligence. Hell, you weren’t chosen at all!
But game recognizes game. You spoke your mind, and, above all, it was entertaining…the way watching a slow train wreck from a distance is entertaining. Your impassioned tirade may not win you allies in high places, but hey, the feed loves a meltdown!
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: -20 Luck for the next 10 hours
>> PRESTIGE +1
>> DIPLOMACY PROFICIENCY +1
>> SHOWMANSHIP PROFICIENCY +1
Pete stood staring straight ahead, blinking as he considered what he’d just read. The bonus to Prestige was good. The fact that he was still alive and breathing was also good. But minus twenty luck?
[Nero] Interesting. It seems that the System has decided to let you live a while longer, Pete. That is a surprising fact considering that I have personally witnessed the System obliterate contestants for far less egregious actions. That must mean that the feeds and the wider Dominion must have responded positively to your outburst. Though, I would guess that the reason why your interview was cut short after just one question was that the System did not want to allow you any additional opportunity to cause insult.
Sam turned around, pressing her foot against the accelerator as the RV took off once more. Pete moved to sit down on the seat next to Craig, twisted his ankle awkwardly, and ended up cracking his knee into the side of the small table before recoiling back and bumping his head on an overhanging cabinet just behind him.
“Shit!” he barked, rubbing his knee and forehead simultaneously and consequently overbalancing and falling on his ass, his shoulder colliding with the kitchen bench on the way down and sending an empty pot crashing down to hit him in the gut as he squirmed on the floor.
“Fuuuuuuuuuck!” he yelled.
Coop sat on the seat looking down at him and licking her paws.
“I guess we know what minus twenty luck looks like then.”