He then followed up with a brutal thrust that jammed the chisel end of the crowbar into the zombie’s mouth as though Ollie was planning on opening up its skull like an old wooden crate lid. Conscious of the other enemies beginning to crowd him, Ollie pushed his weight down against the crowbar, and the resulting cracking sound signaled that the zombie’s jaw or skull had been broken apart, perhaps both.
Before he had a chance to properly register that fact, a spray of molten coins poured from the wound in the goblin’s split-part head. Ollie whipped back his hands, using the gooseneck to yank the weapon out of the zombie’s skull. This brought a spray of hot, molten coins toward him, burning through his poncho and clothing and scalding his skin where they made contact.
Ollie yelped, cursed, and jumped backward, which was a good thing because another zombie had swung a broken wrench at his hip at precisely that moment, and the jump back had spared him a nasty injury. He tried to ignore the burning sensation on his arm and leg, swinging the crowbar to keep the zombies at bay while the goblin with the stream of molten coins pouring out of his ruined head finally died…again.
>> KILL REWARD: 20 Belch Bucks
He turned in time to catch another goblin, which was attempting to drive a shiv into his left calf, spinning around and smacking the creature’s head so hard that it went flying off into the face of another of the goblins coming up behind it. Once more, a stream of molten coins sprayed out of the wound, but this time Ollie was prepared, and he ducked back and avoided another scalding, swinging the crowbar around again just in time to see a hulking zombie hobgoblin raise a rusty cleaver and bring it down right at Ollie’s head.
He dove forward, rolling on the grass and coming up into the crotch of one of the smaller goblin zombies, effectively head-butting the creature in the groin and eternally grateful that he was wearing the poncho and that it came with a hood. He spun around, shoving the goblin with his crowbar and backing away to give himself some space.
No sooner had he collected himself than the huge hobgoblin tossed the cleaver, sending it hurtling through the air and looking like it might split him in half. Ollie twisted out of the way, and the massive blade sheared the edge of his poncho, cutting a strip of plastic off along with a little of the fabric from his t-shirt as it shot past and then buried itself in the ground nearby.
The hobgoblin gurgled in fury and confusion, hands extended like Frankenstein’s monster as it lurched toward him, doubtless intending to strangle Ollie with those meaty hands. The brute moved a little faster than its shorter zombie companions and seemed to be utterly unaware that it was crushing one of them beneath its battered boots and elbowing two others out of the way so that they couldn’t reach Ollie.
As he gripped the crowbar, Ollie considered his next move carefully. That meaty melon on top of the hobgoblin’s shoulders didn’t look like it would come off with one swing. In truth, it looked like a dozen swings still wouldn’t do the job, but he had to think of some way to put the brute down because it clearly had nothing better to do and wasn’t going to quit until it had strangled him and, presumably, eaten his brains.
There was no time to do anything other than try to kill the hulking form, however, so Ollie gave it his best shot, swinging the crowbar in a sharp upward trajectory and catching the brute on the chin. Instead of knocking the zombie hobgoblin’s head backward, however, the blow simply took off a chunk of rotten flesh and bone, sending the meat skyward as the brute lunged toward Ollie with a meaty fist.
He dodged left, then right as the hobgoblin’s fists whistled through the air, eventually turning and running to get some distance between himself and the horde, while several of the faster goblins broke from behind the hobgoblin and shambled after him. He swung the crowbar once, twice, three times. The strikes were less than precise because he was wary of the hobgoblin gaining on him with each second that passed, but he managed to kill two more goblin zombies.
>> KILL REWARD: 55 Belch Bucks
The idea came to him out of nowhere, and suddenly he knew exactly what he had to do. There was a point in the skate park where the dip was at its lowest and the top part met at almost right angles with the sharp slope. He ran around, leading the hobgoblin and the remaining goblin zombies to that location but attempting to do so in a way that would force them down into the depression while he stayed up top.
It took three attempts to get it right, and Ollie was forced to lead the group in a bizarre circle, looping right around until he could get into the right position to try again.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: The Pied Piper of Poor Life Choices
Congratulations! You just led a mini parade of undead goblins straight into your ambush. Well, not exactly ‘straight’ into it. It was more like a painful meander through the park, but it got the job done. Now all you have to do is deprive that hobgoblin of his head, finish off the other goblin zombies, and hope you don’t slip and fall into the pit of goblin guts!
>> ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: Splatter Resistant Goggles [1hr]
Ollie didn’t hesitate to put on the glasses, slipping them into place a moment before the hobgoblin reached up to try to grab him. Stuck down at the lowest point of the concrete dip, the brute’s clutching hands grabbed at Ollie’s feet, but he shuffled backward just in time, swinging the crowbar in his best attempt at a two-handed golf club swing.
The crowbar connected with the hobgoblin’s head with a wet thud, sinking deep into the side of the brute’s head where it met solid resistance. The sudden halt of the crowbar’s trajectory jerked Ollie’s shoulder, making him cry out in pain and frustration. He tried to pull the crowbar out, but it was stuck fast, wedged into the meat and bone and refusing to budge.
“Fuck a duck!” he barked, wrenching the crowbar left and right while the hobgoblin reached up and tried to grab him, green blood and clear goop leaking from the wound and running down the brute’s body.
The hobgoblin moaned as it pawed at Ollie, but the severe damage to its brain had clearly had an impact as its hands missed their mark by a long way, grabbing at the air weakly while Ollie continued to wrestle with the weapon. Behind the hobgoblin, the remaining goblins tried to scramble their way up their larger cousin to reach him, too dull-witted to realize that they would have an easier time of it if they just walked slowly around and reached Ollie from the side.
In the end, Ollie’s salvation came in the form of an old hammer that one of the smaller goblins was attempting to bludgeon him with. Given that the little zombie was so far below, it repeatedly battered the hobgoblin’s lower back, slamming the hammer into the wet flesh again and again, seemingly without the brute even noticing. The wound was producing so much blood that it sprayed all over the little goblin’s face and hands, so that it lost its grip on the hammer halfway through a swing and sent the tool flying upward toward Ollie’s head.
Thankfully, Ollie was nimble enough to duck away and shot one hand out to grab the hammer while it was in midair and while still holding onto the gooseneck of the crowbar with his other hand. Without hesitation, Ollie swung the gifted hammer toward the side of the crowbar, where it hit with a resounding clang that cut through the air and made him flinch, both because of the ear-splitting noise and the reverberating shock the blow sent through the crowbar he was still holding.
The weapon shifted only a little, but Ollie pulled back the hammer and struck it again, squinting as the hammerhead connected once more with the side of the crowbar with brutal force. This time, the metal bar shifted quite a bit more, sinking past the halfway point within the hobgoblin’s skull and suggesting to Ollie that a few more good hits like that and the job would be done.
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He slammed the hammer against the crowbar twice more and, sure enough, on the second blow, the crowbar was lodged free, ripping through the hobgoblin’s skull and swinging out the other side as a hail of meat and bone flew outwards and splattered against the concrete below.
ACHIEVEMENT: Hammer Time!
Congratulations! You just employed a combination of good old-fashioned ingenuity and physics to batter the brains out of a hobgoblin zombie. If you’re wondering what thought the brute had in the moment before he was killed, it went something along the lines of ‘uuugggesshhaa ppaagg aasshh,’ which, roughly translated, means ‘uuugggesshhaa ppaagg aasshh.’
Figures. He wasn’t the brightest spark when his brain wasn’t turned to mush!
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: +10% Damage against Zombies [1hr]
KILL REWARD: 150 Belch Bucks
The hobgoblin fell in a heap, and Ollie stepped back, chest heaving as he held the crowbar in one hand and the hammer in the other. He considered the two weapons, quickly realizing that the hammer’s use had come to an end, as the metal head—clearly loosened by the attack against the hobgoblin—was one swing away from flying off the handle.
[Nero] May I suggest placing the item in your inventory rather than discarding it altogether, Ollie? It may come in useful later on and could be repaired. If not, you would still be able to sell it for a few coins, perhaps.
Ollie nodded, dropping the hammer into his inventory and grabbing the crowbar with two hands as he caught his breath and circled around. The remaining zombies followed like dogs eyeing a tennis ball, fixated on him as he led them to a section of the concrete ram where he could knock off their heads without risking getting too close.
Despite their various impromptu weapons, these goblins seemed just as ineffective as the previous group. That might have been because he’d developed a better strategy for killing them, however, as using the depression of the skate park proved to be a stroke of genius.
>> KILL REWARD: 65 Blech Bucks
Once more, he heard the dull screaming of newly awakened zombies coming from nearby as well as the sound of movement. Ollie looked around, checking his map to see that there was another group roughly twice the size of the one he had just slaughtered approaching his position.
“So, what’s the deal with these achievement rewards?”
[Nero] You will have to be more specific with your query, Ollie. What do you mean?
“It seems like all the rewards so far have been based around the zombies. Like the System wants me to keep fighting, so it’s just giving me enough stuff to make the job a little easier each time.”
[Nero] How very perceptive, Ollie. That is precisely the case, in fact. The System clearly recognizes this opportunity and is attempting to prolong the event for as long as possible. This is good news for you, as it will mean that the System will continue giving you advantageous bonuses, provided the fighting remains entertaining and you stay alive, of course.
“Entertaining, huh? Okay then. I’ll make sure to keep it interesting.” Ollie had no particular idea how he was supposed to make the fighting more entertaining for the billions of faceless viewers that were apparently watching from afar. It was hard enough not to slip on the goblin guts littering the floor and fall on his ass while he battered the zombie goblins with a crowbar that was rapidly becoming too heavy to wield.
He supposed he could try a few catchphrases on for size, but he had no idea whether that was the kind of thing the System and the viewers would like. Thus far, the System seemed to have rewarded comical attacks or shrewd maneuvers, like using the dip in the skate park to corral enemies. Ollie was planning on reusing that strategy, and he was unlikely to get any credit for it a second time, so he decided to think of more inventive ways of killing the enemy.
With the poncho, the goggles, and the added damage, he was well set to face the oncoming horde, but whatever confidence he felt in that moment quickly vanished as the sound of shambling zombies in the distance was interrupted by a growl of machine engines whose throaty roar spelled the return of the hobgoblin bikers.
He felt his stomach begin to churn as he looked out across the park toward the oversized and outrageously adorned motorbikes that came thundering into the area, each laden with the hulking form of a hobgoblin that was bristling with weaponry. They looked utterly absurd, surrounded by twisting chrome pipes that spewed black smoke, their handlebars far too high, headlights changed out for two or three goblin heads tied together by their hair.
Their bikes strained under the load as the hobgoblins rolled to a stop. Each of them had a large axe strapped to their back as well as what looked like oversized machetes at their sides. One by one, they slid off their ridiculous bikes and looked around the area, clearly searching for Ollie.
“Fuck!” he blurted, ducking down low and running as fast as he could for a nearby restroom block whose walls were covered with graffiti.
“Fucking, fuck, fuck!” he hissed, hoping that the oncoming spectacle of the zombies would distract the hobgoblins’ attention long enough for him to get away.
Unfortunately, the gods of luck—or more likely the System—were not in favor of a quick and clean getaway. The hobgoblins barely seemed to notice the shuffling horde of zombies as they lumbered past; that was until they saw where the zombies were all heading—directly toward Ollie.
“FUCK!”
[Nero] Unfortunately, given the Sting of Death debuff you have incurred thus far, the zombie goblins will continue to track you wherever you go. You are currently 50% more likely to attract random zombies wherever you go, and those that have already been attracted to you will follow until they are either dead or unable to reach you.
Ollie looked around desperately, trying to find the best way to safety. There were buildings all around, but he was, unfortunately, smack bang in the middle of the park area with only the small bathroom block for protection and zombies coming, not just from one direction but from several. What was worse, the hobgoblins had seen him and were making their way toward him, laughing in anticipation of what would surely be an easy kill.
With no time to do anything else and no hope of outrunning both the horde and the oncoming hobgoblins, Ollie looked up at the roof of the small restroom facility and tried to find a way to climb up. High ground, that was his only way of clawing back some advantage, but the cinder block wall showed little sign of cracking or crumbling, so there were no handholds for him to latch onto.
Desperate, he circled around the building as the howl and gurgle of zombies grew louder and the heavy footsteps of the hobgoblins menaced. He saw some kind of electrical box on the far side of the building, positioned just a few feet away from the structure and standing at around two-thirds his height.
Ollie didn’t hesitate, reasoning that he’d be able to make the leap from the electrical box to the roof of the bathroom block provided he could reach it before the zombies arrived. Unfortunately, climbing up the sheer metal side of the box proved far more difficult than he’d anticipated, and Ollie was forced to drop his crowbar into his inventory so that he had both hands free to make the attempt.
It took a few tries and ended up partly winding him as he finally managed to hoist himself up the side of the box a moment before the two closest zombies lashed out with rusty blades and clawing fingers. He got to his feet and almost fell backward as more and more of the zombies surrounded him, clawing at his feet as they frothed and moaned and gurgled up at him.
With only half a foot of space where he could safely stand without getting pulled down by the grasping zombie hands, Ollie quickly set himself and looked over at the roof of the nearby building. Suddenly, it seemed as though it was a lot further away than it had seemed from down below. There was also a height difference, so he was going to have to jump forward and up, grabbing hold of the metal roof sheeting and hauling himself up before things started going very badly.
“I see yous hoomans!” a deep voice shouted from somewhere behind. “I is gonna eat yous all up, mucky muck!”
Ollie ignored the voice, crouching a little and then jumping for the roof. He hung in the air for only a split second, but it felt like an eternity as half a dozen gnarled, rotten hands reached for him, and he sailed across to the roof. A moment before he hit, Ollie had a vision of himself slapping into the wall, missing the roof entirely, and falling into the waiting embrace of the zombie horde.
Fortunately, he managed to grab hold of the roof with one hand. Unfortunately, several of the taller goblin zombies below also managed to grab his left foot. Ollie kicked, desperately clinging to the lip of the roof and grateful for the slime and blood and gore that was covering his feet, making it that much more difficult for the zombies to hold on to him.
The fingers gripping his foot slipped, and the brief upward momentum that gave him was enough for Ollie to grab the edge of the roof with his free hand. From there, he part-wriggled, part-kicked his way up to the rooftop, turning on his back, panting heavily as he recovered from the near miss.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Pre-Attribute Acrobat!
Congratulations! Since taking your contest gauntlet and commencing the Dominion Ultrimax Competition just a few hours ago, you have completed more than 20 activities worthy of adding Proficiency points to your class. Such a pity then that you have no class, no Core Attributes, and thus no Proficiencies to gain. Pro tip: maybe save the acrobatics until after you can actually get some lasting benefit out of them?
>> ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: Temporary Proficiency +3 Battle Fortune [20 mins]
Ollie stood up, rolling his shoulders and summoning the crowbar from his inventory. He hefted the weapon, noting that the makeshift wrapping he’d put around the handle was still in place and, for some reason, all the blood and gore had been cleaned from the weapon when he’d put it into his inventory and taken it out. He made a mental note to remember that.
“Alright then,” he said as the first of the hobgoblins came into view. “Let’s see how far this battle-luck shit stretches.”