After half an hour scrounging, a notification pulled up just when he was dropping a badly bent screwdriver into his inventory.
>> INVENTORY FULL!
You will need to discard items to make room for any more objects within this inventory. Alternatively, you can upgrade your inventory at the nearest Tongsly Belch Vend-o-matic machine.
He walked over to the kiosk and promptly deposited every item he’d picked up except for one of the cleavers the hobgoblins had used and his trusty crowbar. Ollie found that he was even able to trade in the goggles a few minutes before they disappeared, as well as the poncho. He only got five and thirteen Belch Bucks for them, respectively, but it was still something, and he figured they’d be disappearing soon, anyway.
The items carried by the zombie goblins and left scattered around the park weren’t worth much, but the hobgoblin weapons proved much more lucrative. He traded in machetes, cleavers, clubs, and even the crossbow, which had been badly damaged during the fight and looked like he’d never have been able to pull back the crank, anyway.
Once the weapons and any sundry items were traded in, he ran back to the park and started stripping armor from the corpses. This earned him more coin, though less than the weaponry. The final tally got him to just below 3000 Belch Bucks. A quick check of the classes he was looking at suggested that he’d need a hell of a lot more cash, particularly because he hadn’t purchased any Core Attributes yet.
[Nero] I would suggest acquiring Core Attributes as a matter of urgency so that you can begin amassing Proficiencies. You will need these prior to acquiring a class, anyway.
Ollie relented, spending the 350 Belch Bucks to acquire all seven Core Attributes and then turning his attention back to the class list.
+| Blue Chip Brawler [Warrior Archetype]: 5000 Belch Bucks
+| Market Manipulator [Mage Archetype]: 7000 Belch Bucks
+| Black Market Broker [Rogue Archetype]: 7500 Belch Bucks
+| Venture Capitalist [Summoner Archetype]: 8000 Belch Bucks
+| Treasury Paladin [Paladin Archetype]: 9000 Belch Bucks
“Damn it, but I want that Paladin,” he said. “Especially with all the shit I just survived. Need some heals and some pally shit if I’m gonna survive this damned contest. Does this thing ever do sales?”
[Nero] Rarely. From time to time, special offers will be run in order to advertise certain events outside of the contest or to promote specific products from the Tongsly Belch Corporation. This is unlikely to occur during the novice phase of the contest, however.
Ollie nodded. “Guess I’ll just have to roll my sleeves up and get to work.”
He walked back to the park and scanned the corpses but found nothing more that he could sell. While he was checking the body of a dead hobgoblin, however, he noticed something dangling from a chain that was stuck beneath his body. Ollie had to use the crowbar to lever the huge body and then drag the object out with his foot, praying he didn’t drop the brute and crush his toes.
He felt something metallic with his feet and scraped them backward before letting the hobgoblin fall in a heap. Ollie bent down and scooped up what appeared to be a keyring with two large keys hanging from it. There was also a small tube of intestine dangling from the object, which he promptly shook off before examining the keys more closely.
Frowning, he turned the first key over in his hands. It looked like an old-school car key, but there were strange, angular symbols cut into the base of the key, which looked like they’d been carved there after the key was originally made. It was around the length of his index finger from the base of the head to the end of the key, and like so much else in this game, it seemed to have been made from reused Belch Bucks that had been melted together and made into the form of the key.
It took a few moments for Ollie to realize what he was holding, but as he looked down the street and saw the hulking bikes sitting a short distance away, he understood.
“Okay, so this is the ignition key for one of those bikes,” he reasoned, flipping up the second, smaller key. “What the hell does this one do?”
[Nero] Given its size, I’d suggest that it opens a relatively small lock rather than serving to start a vehicle.
Ollie nodded, already walking toward the bikes. There were six of them in all, each more preposterous looking than the other, with far too much chrome piping, all kinds of strange trinkets and weird keepsakes, and an odd preponderance of a strange little goblin doll hanging from handlebars and various other places.
As he approached the closest bike, he saw one of the little plushies dangling from the left side mirror. It was roughly recognizable as a goblin, but with a swollen torso and head, and tiny little arms and legs. The creature’s ears flopped down on the side of its head, and its mouth was open, bristling with sharp teeth like a cluster of thorns. Its eyes were large and swirling with some kind of metallic paint that had been used to mark out a symbol on the eyeball that glowed with faint orange light. On its shirt was a single Belch Buck coin, painted in cartoonish fashion.
“The fuck is this?” he said, bending down to inspect the strange little stuffed toy.
[Nero] Broadly speaking, it is a type of Bobo. They are a type of collectible stuffed toy that is popular with certain races throughout the Dominion. They come in a huge variety of types, with certain rare specimens being difficult to find. The Bobos are purchased in a carton or package that does not reveal the exact nature of the type of Bobo inside and, in this way, the buyer gambles on which one they will uncover. Invariably, the rarer types are very difficult to find and can be traded on the open market to other individuals. In the same sense, there are a great number of common Bobo types that are next to worthless.
“Yeah, I get the idea. It’s basically Magic the Gathering or those stupid Labubu dolls. Good way to throw away money trying to get something worthwhile.”
[Nero] Indeed, since its emergence during the third season of the Dominion Ultrimax Contest, the Bobo phenomenon has increased in popularity to the point where several less developed species worship the little toys. This is quite baffling considering that they are all made by the Tongsly Belch Corporation in a factory on Belch Prime. The theology states, I believe, that the stuffed toys do not possess divinity at the moment of manufacture, but through the process of repeated exchange, and the coin spent in acquiring them, they amass life and status, constantly heading toward the divine. The rarest Bobos are believed to be not only divine objects but to embody a supernatural figure known as the Divine Exchequer.
Ollie chuckled at that. “Makes sense. Shit gets popular enough, someone’s always gonna make a religion out of it. So, why the fuck would these bastards have the dolls?”
[Nero] It is quite unusual to find goblins and particularly hobgoblins who collect Bobos. Typically, the goblin races tend to be more interested in the acquisition of money than collectible objects such as these. There are a great many factions, subraces, and clans among the goblin species, however. They are many and varied, and obviously, this group is fond of Bobos.
“Not that fond,” Ollie countered, prodding the battered doll with a finger. “This one looks like it’s been thrown through a wood chipper and then dragged in the mud.”
One of the doll’s eyes was hanging loose and about to fall, its clothing was in tatters and badly faded, and one of the creature’s arms was entirely missing. Judging by the fading in evidence, it looked like the thing had been hanging on the bike for quite a while.
[Nero] Apparently, that particular specimen is quite common and thus of little value. A Bristle Bobo, I’m led to believe; named so because of the volume of sharp teeth in its mouth. It is likely the hobgoblin placed this on his bike to signal to other collectors that he was a member of the Bobo Brotherhood—which is what I believe collectors call themselves. It is likely, if this particular hobgoblin possesses any rare specimens, they will be kept somewhere else, perhaps even in their original packaging.
Ollie moved to the next bike and found a similar doll hanging from the side mirror. This one looked almost identical to the first, except its mouth was closed and there were mushrooms growing out of the top of its head. Like the other doll, it had strange symbols painted on its eyes and a Belch Buck on its t-shirt, but with small mushrooms growing out of it.
[Nero] This one is called the Shroom Bobo, because of—
“Yeah, I get it. So, how much do you reckon I’d get if I traded these in at the kiosk?”
[Nero] Given their condition, I’d say you would only receive one or two Belch Bucks. The dolls lose a significant amount of value if they are not properly cared for.
Ollie nodded, continuing his inspection of the bikes. He found several more weapons stashed here and there and added them to his inventory. Most were machetes, and there was something that looked like an oversized wrench, which took both hands for him to lift. Other than the weapons, however, there didn’t seem to be anything else of value, and Ollie felt a sense of deflation as he moved from vehicle to vehicle.
“What about these bikes?” he asked. “Can I sell them through the kiosk?”
[Nero] You can only sell items that you are holding or that are sitting in your inventory. For an item to be salable, you need to be able to hold it with your own hands.
“Right, so if I could lift one of these off the ground and chuck it in my inventory, I’d be able to sell it?”
[Nero] Correct. Though it is unlikely you could do so, given your current size and strength. Even a hobgoblin would struggle to lift one of these vehicles unassisted.
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Ollie nodded, ignoring Nero’s comments and immediately attempting to lift the bike he was standing beside. He gripped it as tightly as he could manage, crouching low and pushing up with his legs, grunting with effort.
The bike didn’t budge. Not only could he not lift it off the ground, he could barely move the thing.
“Fuck. Okay, that’s out. What if I start stripping parts off the damned thing?”
[Nero] That could work; however, if you damage any of the components in the process, they would be worth significantly less. Also, it will take a great deal of time to accomplish, and that is time better spent gaining experience, especially now that you have all of your Core Attributes. I would suggest fighting some more low-level enemies and performing skills that would benefit from improving. Increasing your fighting and survival Proficiencies would be far more beneficial than spending hours gaining experience in stripping hobgoblin bikes for their parts.
“Shit. Okay, I get it.”
Ollie continued his examination of the bikes. They all looked like Mad Max-style versions of Harley Davidsons, but with oversized seats that curved up at the back and rose far above his head. Massive exhausts clustered at the rear of each bike, making the vehicles look more like spaceships than road bikes.
He was still circling one of the bikes when he noticed that the bike seat wasn’t sitting down correctly. A closer inspection revealed that the front section of the seat opened up to reveal a small chamber within which was a lockbox with a gold-colored lock at its center. Ollie immediately pulled out the second key he’d picked up from one of the dead hobgoblins and placed it in the lock.
The key fit, but as he turned it, a notification appeared.
>> LOCKBOX UNLOCK: 50 Belch Bucks required
Unlock? Yes/No
Ollie shook his head. “This fucking game. Alright, yes, let's unlock it. And there sure as shit better be something worth at least fifty bucks in there.”
He paid the money, and the key turned all the way around. The small metal lockbox lid opened to reveal three small boxes inside. As Ollie picked up and examined the boxes, he saw that they each housed different Bobo dolls that were sealed within plastic coverings.
“Fucking dolls!” he blurted, shaking his head as he examined them one after the other.
One of the Bobos had a crown and held a tiny scepter. Another was dressed as some kind of mechanic and wore goggles while it held a small wrench in one hand. The last appeared to be dressed in an unconvincing elf costume with the words ‘Puke and Pay’ written on its T-shirt while it held a small microphone.
“Okay, so these are in much better condition, and big boy had them hidden away, so they have to be worth something, right?”
[Nero] I would suggest so, yes. You will need to take them to the Vend-o-matic machine to get a precise appraisal, however. Unlike many items you can trade at the kiosk, collectible objects such as Bobos tend to go up and down in value depending on demand.
Ollie dropped the dolls into his inventory and sprinted back to the kiosk. He was halfway to the vending machine when he realized that he hadn’t checked beneath the seats of the other bikes. Cursing, he ran back to the bikes and found that each of them had a lockbox but that they all required keys.
He then had to run back to the park and sift through the remains of the hobgoblins to find their keys. The process took far too long, and he had to pay an additional fifty Belch Bucks each time he unlocked a box. Each of them housed at least one packaged Bobo, but none of them looked like they were in the same condition as the three he’d looted first.
“Where the fuck do these pricks keep all their money?” he asked. “Shouldn’t I be able to loot that?”
[Nero] Unless they keep their coins in a lockbox or some other mechanism that can be unlocked and looted, all money they possess passes to the System in the event of their deaths. Depending on their individual contracts with the Dominion Ultrimax Contest, some of those funds go to family members or may be assigned to pay off debtors. For those wishing to store coin in a manner that the System cannot access immediately upon their death, gold or platinum bars, or other precious objects are frequently an option. If you actually make it to an arena, you may find that certain bosses have their own vaults filled with treasures they have amassed in this fashion.
Ollie nodded. “Okay then. For the moment it’s just these fucking dolls, I guess.”
[Nero] Dolls that could turn out to be quite valuable. I would suggest getting a full appraisal, and then you can determine which of them you wish to sell.
“I’m gonna sell all of them. Why the fuck would I keep a doll?”
[Nero] As I have already stated, some Bobos can greatly increase in value. By holding the doll, you may be able to get a much higher price at a later stage. Or you could use the doll to barter with an enemy or trade for a rare item in an unregulated exchange. While they are not commonly held or traded by goblins, there are a great number of other species that take part in the contest who collect Bobos. In the future, you may find yourself in a position where you are facing an enemy that you cannot defeat. Bribery is often an option in such cases, but perhaps that enemy wants something more than coin. Having a few precious items, like a rare Bobo in your inventory, will give you more options in such a circumstance.
It made sense, but Ollie still wasn’t sold on the idea. Better to get as much cash as he could rather than block off a couple of his hundred inventory slots for dolls on the off chance that he might use them in the future.
He ran back to the kiosk, with nine packaged Bobo dolls in total, as well as the six tattered specimens he’d pulled from the exterior of the bikes.
>> RUNNING PROFICIENCY +1
[Nero] Well done, Ollie! You have just acquired your first Proficiency. Would you like me to explain how they function in the context of your overall progress within the game?
Ollie shook his head. “Nah, I think I get it. The more experience you get doing shit, the more the System recognizes and rewards it. So, if I do a ton of running, it’s gonna increase my Proficiency and make me even better at it. Standard RPG mechanics.”
[Nero] In essence, that is correct. If you would like a more thorough explanation, however, feel free to ask.
Ollie reached the kiosk and navigated to the trade screen. He immediately sold the six old Bobos for four Belch Bucks in total and then got an appraisal on each of the nine good quality dolls.
>> BOBO DOLL APPRAISAL
+| Tinkerer Bobo – Green – Mint Condition – 50 Belch Bucks
+| Warlord Bobo – Green – Mint Condition – 75 Belch Bucks
+| Warlord Bobo – Green – Mint Condition – 75 Belch Bucks
+| Cheff Bobo – Green – Near Mint Condition – 130 Belch Bucks
+| Cheff Bobo – Green – Mint Condition – 330 Belch Bucks
+| Painter Bobo – Blue – Near Mint Condition – 850 Belch Bucks
+| Mechanic Bobo – Purple – Near Mint Condition – 2,570 Belch Bucks
+| Royal Bobo – Purple – Mint Condition – 4,200 Belch Bucks
+| Puke and Pay Bobo – Gold/Legendary – Mint Condition – 1 million Belch Bucks [Unsellable]
Note: The Togsly Belch Vend-o-Matic Machine network is unable to purchase or trade Legendary level collectibles such as the Puke and Pay Bobo. These can be traded privately either on an individual level or at a game market or black market exchange facility.
“Fuck!” Ollie barked. “Seriously? A million Bucks and this fucker won’t give me the cash?!”
[Nero] Some items are deemed too valuable to be traded via the kiosk network, Ollie. This is because the Bobo doll has very little tangible value. The actual cost of crafting, packaging, and distributing that particular doll would be under ten Belch Bucks, but, as you have seen, its worth far exceeds its physical properties. The Vend-o-Matic network does not tend to deal in objects with such inflated value as this.
“But I can still sell all the others, right?”
[Nero] It would seem so, yes.
Ollie sold all of the Bobo dolls except for the Puke and Pay doll and watched as his funds increased.
>> ITEMS SOLD: 8,280 Belch Bucks received
“Fuck a duck!” he whispered, shaking his head and grinning in delight.
With the money he’d just made and his existing coins, he now had enough to purchase the Treasury Paladin class. Before he did so, however, Ollie examined the class description.
>> TREASURY PALADIN CLASS DETAILS:
A sanctified defender whose vault of coin is as sacred as their oath. The Treasury Paladin guards both wealth and life, treating every battle as a sacred ledger to be balanced. Gold fuels their miracles—spend freely to bless and heal allies or invest wisely to unleash devastating smites of radiant finance. To the Treasury Paladin, every coin is both a shield and a sword, and every debt will one day come due.
>> KEY ABILITIES:
+| VAULTED RESERVES: Collect a portion of all damage dealt by allies as “stored assets,” then convert those assets into a radiant burst of healing distributed evenly across the party or an area of effect damage aura affecting all enemies within 10 feet.
+| GOLD STANDARD: Use Belch Bucks to establish a protective shield that mitigates 80% damage for as long as you have it activated. Shield is activated by spending 50 Belch Bucks and maintained by spending 1 Belch Buck per second (up to 120 seconds with a 30-second cooldown). Ability scales with level increased, and if costs are doubled, the shield will extend to all party members at 25% efficacy.
+| VAULTED RESERVES: Collect a portion of all damage dealt by allies as “stored assets,” then convert those assets into a radiant burst of healing distributed evenly across the party or an area of effect damage aura affecting all enemies within 10 feet.
+| EMERGENCY WITHDRAWAL: Sacrifice Belch Bucks equal to your constitution ×100 to instantly restore a portion of health to all allies within a 30ft range. Emergency Withdrawal has a 2% chance to cleanse all healed allies of one negative status effect. All healing and damage delivered by the Treasury Paladin is reduced by 30% for 20 second following the use of this ability.
+| BALANCE OF JUDGEMENT: Strike a foe with a golden coin of law. On heads, deal radiant damage equal to 150% of your attack power; on tails, heal all allies for the amount of damage inflicted.
>> KEY CHARACTERISTICS:
+| Golden Guarantee: Your wealth safeguards your health. Whenever you would take fatal damage, you may automatically expend 10% of your current Belch Bucks to survive at 1 HP instead. This effect can only trigger once per combat.
+| Compound Interest: Healing you provide generates residual energy. Allies affected by your heals receive a “Dividend Shield” equal to 10% of the total healing done, which lasts for 10 seconds.
>> CLASS ATTRIBUTE BONUS: GILDED MIGHT!
The Treasury Paladin starts with a base Constitution, Charisma, and Strength of ten. No Attribute bonuses can be bestowed by inventory objects or wearable items while at Novice level.
Ollie found that he was grinning as he read through the details of the class. He didn’t even bother examining any of the other classes. Ollie knew that this was his best chance at not only surviving the game but winning the damned thing. The mix of damage dealing and the ability to self-heal would make him a formidable opponent, and he’d already seen how unpredictable this game could be, so the paladin was his best choice.
[Nero] You should know, Ollie, that the Treasury Paladin class provides you with a significant advantage in the early game given the Core Attribute bonus provided by Gilded Might. While you are by no means indestructible, you will find it relatively easy to dispatch low-level enemies at this stage of the game.
“Right, but when do I get a sword and shield? Also, I need some damned shoes. Can’t go calling myself a paladin if I’m running around with bare feet, can I?”
[Nero] Acquiring armor items of any kind is difficult at the novice level. Once you are in the Novice Arena and beyond, armor becomes easier to find and can even be acquired via kiosks. For the time being, you would be better off finding and using mundane items.
“And I can’t get back into my house, so I’m gonna have to find some shoes just lying around outside somewhere.”
[Nero] There will be some buildings and many vehicles that are not locked down by the game shields, even at this novice level. You may be able to acquire suitable footwear by searching through parked cars and structures that were vacant at the time the contest began. As for weapons and a shield, I would likewise suggest utilizing something that you can find or loot from enemies. Fortunately, the shielding and healing abilities of your class aren’t restricted to use with a shield at this stage. In the latter game, you will require a shield to perform several key abilities, but you will be able to purchase a shield at that stage.
“Right,” Ollie said. “Let’s do it then.”
>> TREASURY PALADIN CLASS ACCEPTED
Final Configuration Confirmation: >> New abilities engaged and available for use. Class core soulbound to contestant Ollie Barker, all Treasury Paladin attribute slots enabled, and requisite code installed.
>> DOMINION ULTRIMAX PLAYER PROFILE
NAME: Ollie – Zombie Slayer
CLASS: Treasury Paladin
LEVEL: Novice
>> CORE ATTRIBUTES:
Credit Rating [Constitution]: 10
Asset Leverage [Strength]: 10
Liquidity [Agility]: 0
Market Insight [Intelligence]: 0
Capital Stability [Wisdom]: 10
Investor Confidence [Charisma]: 0
Speculative Yield [Luck]: 0
Ollie felt a thrill of power wash over his body as the new class was established. Once the initial thrill wore off, he felt much like he had moments earlier, but there was a slight sensation of pent-up energy in his muscles. He felt a little stronger, a little more solid, and he couldn’t wait to start trying out his new abilities against enemies.
He turned to look down the street, spotting the bikes he had plundered still sitting where he’d left them.
“Okay, now let’s see if I can ride one of those bikes.”