I instructed Rascal to tend to her appearance as I awaited her in the painting room, offering the pretext of needing time to ready my instruments. My gaze fell upon the half-curtained window, an inconspicuous sentinel through which I sought communion with Princess.
“I am prepared to listen. Present your case,” I began, my tone measured.
The weight of her emotions washed over me in waves: sadness, helplessness, a yearning to weep, impotent fury, and a reluctant willingness to negotiate. These undercurrents had persisted throughout the pleasurable moments of bath and supper.
“Dubart… I know that I can’t do anything to stop you from doing what you want. If you wanted to, you could… stab me in the heart, make me jump from a balcony, or strip me nude and run around the gardens.”
“That appeal to emotion is unnecessary,” I rebuked her gently. “I am not one to indulge in cruelty. I harbor no intention of harming you or tarnishing your name. You and your sisters hold immense value to me, Aufelia, and you know this.”
It was rare for me to address her by name—so rare, in fact, that I could not recall the last time I had done so. When I did, it was only in moments of the utmost gravity.
“And you meant a lot to us, too! I didn’t want you to die… I didn’t want any of this happening… I don’t want you gone, but I can’t let you have my body… my life,” she stated in her understandable case.
“Nor do I wish to strip you of your autonomy or claim it for myself,” I conceded. “I am fully aware that I am a grown man inhabiting the form of a maiden. I understand how this troubles you, but I cannot allow your discomfort alone to dictate the remainder of my existence.”
“And I understand, and I’m so grateful you’re doing what you can to end this. I appreciate that you may never regain a living body, and you’re still helping me, but it doesn’t make it any less hard when you…” She faltered, unable to complete the thought, so I seized the moment.
“Let us speak frankly and define our terms. This is not an easy topic, Princess,” I softened the severity of my words by using her sobriquet once more. “I cannot avoid seeing your body, nor the bodies of other women, while I inhabit yours. The sooner you reconcile with this reality, the better for us both.”
“I get that! I wouldn’t even mind that much if it wasn’t for these… these perverted thoughts you keep having every time you do,” she protested.
“I thought we were beyond insulting one another,” I objected to her phrasing.
Stolen story; please report.
“I’m not insulting you,” she persisted. “What else can I call them? You make me feel… what a man feels when seeing a woman. With my own sisters! I can’t even face Riatna anymore. When I look away when she’s changing, I’m not even hiding her from you as much as… hiding her from me. I want to hug her and touch her, in a bad way. I don’t want to feel that; I don’t want those ideas anywhere in my mind; I don’t want those ideas when looking at my reflection, Dubart!”
“I may bear some responsibility for these urges, but I cannot entirely suppress my natural instincts. What I can assure you is that those feelings do not belong to you. I can distinguish my desires from yours, even now, as this apprehension gnaws at me—it is not mine, and I can disregard it. Are you telling me that you cannot do the same?”
“I can tell what’s mine and what’s yours… sometimes,” she admitted, her words laden with uncertainty. “I guess I just don’t know you well enough? It’s hard!” she complained as if it were my fault. “It’s scary. What if I were to jump Riatna? Make her do things like that stupid snitch maid, Raiya? I’ve thought about it before. You really are a pervert.”
While the inexcusable urges were mine, whatever action Princess undertook would be hers alone, and she meant to preemptively blame me for them. Despite having espoused to speak nothing but the truth, I allowed this small deceit. If for the sake of her peace of mind, I could shoulder this responsibility for her.
“Let us attempt to live your life as normally as possible and continue with my plan to extricate myself from you. In return, permit me to savor what little life I have left. I promise not to endanger your safety or besmirch your honor,” I negotiated.
“No,” she denied. “You want to change me and remove my clothes as you see fit? Fine. You want to… to see my sisters with those dirty eyes of yours? I can’t say I agree, but I can’t stop you. Do you want to paint, read, or joke around with Riatna? Be my guest. But that thing you did in the dining room? That alone I can’t condone.”
“My etiquette was exemplary,” I declared with certainty. I behaved like a respectable Lady in all aspects.
“I don’t care how well you pick up a fork or how many fingers you use to clean my mouth with a napkin. What I mean is what you ate. Dubart, I understand that we had not eaten for the whole day, and you were hungry, but you completely pigged out!”
“We became sated unexpectedly quickly, if I recall, and I ceased eating.”
“You’re not supposed to eat until you’re full! You’re supposed to stop when…!” She paused, rethought her argument, and huffed. “Look, why don’t you just leave me in charge of what I put in my body? Do you think you get to have a figure like mine just with wishful thinking? If you keep eating the greasy and sweet stuff, you’re going to ruin my face. We can have dessert four times a month, tops, and no juice. Ever.”
Her resolve was so unwavering that I found myself conceding to her terms, just in time for Rascal to enter the room.
“Talking to yourself?” she questioned, closing the door behind her. “So? How do I look?” She spun gracefully to display her evening attire and coiffed hair, appearing so impeccably presentable that I suspected Fermina’s influence.
“Stunning. Now stand behind the easel.”
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