I felt that like a knife between my ribs, and I couldn't catch my breath. Why are you still here? Nathan's hand was on my shoulder, helping hold me up. He looked very serious. "I love you Natalie. But if there's a future to avert, this is not the best way to do it. You should be out... I don't know. Averting. Somewhere out there is something you can build, or break, or steal. Someone you can talk to, fight with, help out. You're choosing to wait for a perfect moment instead of taking initiative! Why?"

  My arm over his shoulders, I pulled him close. God I could barely feel my legs. "Because this is where I belong," I said.

  "We belong where our duty is," he said, softly. "Is your duty here?"

  I got my legs under me. I got my breath back. I looked away from him.

  He saw me do it, and he frowned. "If Father told you that your duty was to go to the far end of the kingdom and dig a tunnel out there, you'd do it, right? Or fight some kind of monster. Or, marry some gross count because we needed an alliance. You'd do your duty, even if it didn't include me."

  "It has to include you," I said. Numb. "Everything is about you."

  He dashed his palm against his forehead. "That doesn't even make sense! If everything is about me, and you need me to do the right things, and I would the right things without you telling me, then you're saying I don't even need you!"

  "Of course not!" I blurted.

  Shit.

  "What?"

  Shit.

  I sighed. "You don't need me. You never did. At most you'll need a little nudge or advice from me. Nothing major. Left instead of right. Dressing down or up. Picking certain dialogue options."

  "So?"

  "So I need you," I spelled it out for him. "Nathan, I am selfish, and scared, and shallow. I miss things and I make mistakes. I'll spend the rest of my life memorizing facts and I'll never know how to be part of the world like you do. Understand?"

  "No," he said. "What's so bad about making mistakes? Being scared? You've got power. You could help so many people-"

  "If you love your sister," I said, "don't ask me to leave, or to explain. I promise you that it makes sense. There is one thing. One fact, that is absolutely true. It is not something that you will ever guess on your own. It is not something you will ever find in any book. But with this one secret, everything else makes sense. I wish that I didn't know. I've done everything in my power to avoid it. And I will die silent rather than ever say it to you."

  I am not going to tell my twin that this is a video game.

  I was feeling all of it. The enormity of the world. The goddess's whims, the weight of lives. Dozens of branching paths and endings. When I resolved not to take his freedom from him, the goddess made sure that my freedom was taken from me. I took a deep breath. Nathan was staring at me, and for one moment he saw all the way to the bottom. He was watching my eyes and he could see how vast these spaces were, how heavy the responsibilities. I held wars and plagues and massacres in the balance. The face of a deity. Secret knowledge that unlocks the world. The reason my soul is not bound by my body.

  And for the first time, he looked away first.

  I hugged him close. "You're going to have every bit of help I can give you. It might just be enough."

  In the morning, we waited by the carriage until the search party arrived. They made pretty good time, they found us before we saw the first drover pushing herds to the market, or merchants trying to outrun the competition. A column of soldiers and knights in Harigold livery, riding fast down the lane, slowing up when they saw the grounded carriage. They saw the seven dead guardsmen, and the stacked swords and crossbows of the enemy. Father explained the terracotta assassins, all in a very matter-of-fact debrief. He did not elaborate or embellish, but he did not mention to them that I was unconscious the whole time, merely that I provided weapons.

  The knights looked very impressed that the ducal family was able to destroy a dozen magical warriors after our guards were killed. But impressed or not, they got us up onto the spare horses. Half the guards stayed with the coach and the dead, and the other guards rode with us back to Harigold manor. It was a stoic ride, mostly silent. Everyone was very tense, and if I'd heard a branch snap too loudly I probably would have done something drastic.

  We left horses at the stable, and Father arranged to have a detachment head back to retrieve the carriage, and a hearse-wagon for the slain. Funerals with honors to be held tomorrow morning. Nathan and I headed up to our room, and we didn't say much. This time, I got my shower first: I was dressed way down, and he was still in his most impressive garb, stained from a night of fighting and patrolling a dusty road and dark thickets.

  I swirled myself dry and gave him room to shower. I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at a book, until he was out and dressed in day clothes. We did not say anything, but we took each other's hands and went to our parent's chambers. I had my hand raised to knock when Nathan stopped me, listening. Sobbing from inside. One or both of them. We turned and walked away. The grief and fear of a parent is not for the children to see.

  Even if he didn't say anything to me or give me an accusing look, I still burned. I knew who had done this. And what would come next. I could stop it. Prevent it. Save lives.

  In the last few years, the family has been struck by repeated tragedy, and their lands have suffered several misfortunes. Dark days in Meadowtam, and Harigold House.

  That was what I had to work with. I knew who was responsible because Nathan can uncover the truth after the cave-in. I could say a name and there would be no dark days for Meadowtam and Harigold House. But, with no misfortunes to weaken us, the coalition of guilds may accelerate their timetable, and if they hire too many wizards the Upheaval could be even worse...

  Nothing can make you feel as helpless as seeing the future.

  Cannot help. Cannot speak. Cannot look away.

  I walked out of the house and out to the barracks. I went there because it was quiet. I was never alone, never in the quiet. My showers, the bathroom, that's as close as it got. Ten minutes without anyone's eyes on me, just on the other side of a door. Tapping to make sure I'm all right, rapping to tell me to hurry up. When I sleep it's facing him, when I'm reading someone is there. Always training, studying, preparing. Sometimes playing, but less of that every month. Today, Nathan walked one way and I walked another. He was probably headed to bed. We were both exhausted, after all.

  But this was the closest we had ever gotten to having a fight. And it hurt. I needed somewhere quiet to lick the wounds. I opened the barracks door, it was heavy but it was unlocked. I pulled it shut behind me. Every single soldier we had at the manor was on duty right now. Guarding the house, the carriage, the hearse, each other, the roads leading in. I was inside of a shell of guards, but for once there was nobody that knew exactly where I was. It was a little heady, I almost laughed.

  Finally. After months, here's my chance at last. Something I've been waiting ten years to learn, something I cannot show off or read about or ask about.

  I selected my essence affinities. I worked the spell to channel it. I took a deep breath. I would not try this if I wasn't already crackling with emotion. I feel .. everything. And I hate it. Today, it's time to try

  Void.

  I pulled the mana, and let the nature of the void seep into me. Channeled it quietly, starting with the first steps. Mentality, the character and personality of the essence. Immediately, the pressure on me lessened. I could breathe again. More. I was calm. The things that had happened were nothing I needed to worry about. More. I was numb.

  More. I could do anything.

  Consequences are something that happens to other people. Regret is wasted energy. Purpose is hunger. Direction is need. I can do anything.

  I shut off the spell, and shivered. I would rather have my pain. Essence of the void was cold and untroubled, there was nothing in it to conflict with itself. The void had a dangerous degree of self-assurance. I sat down on a hard wooden bench, the floor was stained with grease or beer. I stared at the stain. That was real. I was real.

  Next spell: to craft the void physically. I sat up, picked a target, just some spot on the far wall. I turned the spell, drew the mana. Air rushed at that spot, papers fluttering across the room, my hair tugged loose to stream in the wind. Everything converged on that one spot, rushing, whistling. I shut it off, and everything settled. I frowned, and considered. I did some math in my head.

  Sorcery cannot permanently create matter. Conjured materials disappear after some hours. I think it's how we sidestep the conservation of mass and energy: we're not taking anything, we're just borrowing it. But if I cannot use crafting to really generate new matter, not even air, then I'm pretty sure I cannot use crafting and conjuring to actually get rid of old matter, not really. When I create a sword or a toy or some clothing, it can either expire in a few hours or I can dispel it to disappear early. I considered the void I had crafted. I consciously dispelled the effect.

  Thunder blasted me backwards, tumbling over the bench. All the trapped air returned in one instant, compressed far too tightly, released a a shockwave. Chairs clattered, and my ears were ringing.

  That was going to get a lot of attention. What kind of fucking weapon did that goddess give me?!

  There was something more to try. I had to hurry before everyone came running.

  I selected void, and I curved it. What happens when I try to bend the void?

  With no sound at all, a small circle appeared in front of me. Pure white, hovering in the air. Perfectly flat. I had only ever seen a white that perfect before in one place. I stared. I glared. I flicked my wrist, and the portal opened up, stretched tall enough for me to walk through. I flung myself through the opening, without hesitation.

  I squinted but it wasn't enough, crushed my eyes shut. The light pressed through the lids, painful even when shut. I wrapped my arm over my eyes to protect them. "Where are you, bitch?!" I demanded, as I closed the portal behind me.

  Only magic kept me from frying immediately. The void should have been instantly deadly. But I was here by invitation, my magic had curved this place to me, opened my own portal and entered of my own will. I still could not look directly at it, but it did not fry me instantly.

  Space is black. In between the stars and stuff, it's a perfect impenetrable utter blackness. That's what happens when there is empty space. Nothing for the light to catch on, nothing to see. Just emptiness, place without matter. The void is not a place. It is less than space. It is what happens when matter and energy are permitted to exist without taking up space. The void is utterly white the way that space is utterly black: there's almost no light inside of it, but the light has nowhere to go. The small amount of light is everywhere at once. The heat energy of my own body should have combusted me because it should have been forced back into me in an infinite loop.

  And the last time I had been here, a goddess had explained to me about worlds spawning from other worlds, that fiction is made of layers of reality and vice verse. She had told me that my soul, now free of my old life, was going to be thrown into the shell world created by the video game I had enjoyed. That I would take center stage, replacing the hero of that story. She had talked at length, and I had said nothing. Souls are good listeners, but on their own do not have much of a way to interact unless a deity chooses to allow it.

  This was where she turned me into a comet, a weapon, and tried to use me to kill Nathan. And she had given me a key to let myself back in- and then given that key a ten-year timer for me to get good and mad about it.

  There was no space here, and no sound. I shouted, I demanded, I raged. My voice vanished as soon as I was done with it, there was no echo at all. Part of the protective magic again- leaving me in the void with no layer of protection would be a merciful and swift end. And the goddess that sent me has a real aversion to swift, merciful endings.

  "You set me up!" I raged, whirling around in this space. I wanted to glare, to stare her down, but that would burn my eyes out. There was no darkness here and no respite, nothing restful or peaceful in this place. This void was hostile. It dragged and punished. No endless interstellar spaces here- this was a black hole that took all light from the universe and compressed it, until the pressure was intolerable. "He hates me now! All your fault!"

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  Both my hands pressed to my eyes, all I had was my voice to convey to her how pissed I was. I could snarl but it lost its meaning. I could frown but without my eyes that is must a pout. I could not take my hands down to shake a fist. This endless ceaseless light robbed me of my expressions, scoured away the emotion I wanted to convey.

  This was not just the void of space, that pulled away at you with its own emptiness. This was the opposite, this void pushed at you to empty you out. You could never fill this void, you could only join it.

  "You can't say anything? Won't defend yourself?!"

  My voice vanished without echo, like shouting at a hushed snowfield. But no temperature here, no sense of it. Nothing so real and meaningful as cold or discomfort existed in this place without space. Every inch of my skin was exposed to the equivalent of a high-power halogen lamp, and if the goddess's protection did not keep me from feeling the conditions of the void, I would be incinerated under all this light.

  I did not care that she was protecting me right now. That all she needed to do was ignore me harder and I'd melt like a Peep in a microwave. She picked a world that she knew I loved, to be the sister to a boy with a wonderful soul, and she set me on a path that brought me to him asking why I'm still here.

  She was the one that sent me like that. She could have changed anything. Chosen a different class for me. Not invented the Untethered Essence condition. Given me more knowledge, or less knowledge. Held me back to be a little sister in a couple years. She could have left me where she found me. Or, she could have let me submerge into the depths of an infant's soul, to be less than a dream. Instead she threw me at him, and then dragged me back.

  She could have stopped the terracotta warriors entirely. It was within her power to end all of this conflict. She had the power to make all this better and she chose not to.

  The trolley problem does not apply to gods. They're responsible for everything whether they intervene or not.

  "I know you can hear me! I know you're just ignoring me! This is your house, bitch, you're right here in front of me, right? You're a god, omnipotent, but there's no omnipotence without omniscience and omni-presence! You can hear me, you're right there, you're just smirking at me like a kid with a wounded bug!"

  She's not answering. She is laughing at me. She wants me to think that she's not here but she is. She wants me to feel foolish for stepping into an infinitesimal void to yell angrily at nobody. She wants me to think I'm spending my wrath just futilely yelling at an empty room.

  That my anger doesn't matter.

  But humans hurting always matters. That's a rule. Even if it's alone or unknown, it always matters. If nobody knows about a tear and it is forgotten even by the eyes that shed it, that tear is important.

  She can ignore that. She can forget that. That's what her void is. The space where nothing matters. That's why she lives here, so she can ignore the world where things matter.

  "You're cruel! Just senselessly awful, hurtful! You are mean without meaning! This whole domino rally Rube Goldberg cascade of awfulness, just because you like the funny sounds we make! And you- you even put your face to it! So I would always remember the goddess that did this! You didn't just wind me up to go hurt people and be hurt in turn, you made sure I would know who to blame. So that I would never forget that this was intentional! So I could never just retreat into stoic ignorance! You put your name and your face to this so that I would know who to hate! I don't want you to turn my hurt into anger! It's mine! I felt it! You have earned my hate but that doesn't mean you deserve it!"

  My arms were not enough to keep the light out. It seeped through the cracks and thin places. It burned at my eyes and made them water. The tears fell free of me, and when they stopped being me and started being themselves, the void burned them to tiny bursts of superheated steam. Salt was crusted on my eyelids.

  "These are good people! And that matters! More than you do! You're not a greater power! You're just a vandal!"

  ... she didn't really give me the keys to her house, did she. This void, it's not where she lives. It's not her kitchen. Void is an idea, a phenomenon. It's not a place, by definition. There's nothing so singular about it as that. At best, at the most, she's given me some Fisher-Price toddler's play-house version of her void. A doghouse, a back shed. If she lives in this void, I've got at best a cat-flap entrance.

  There was never any chance she would treat with me as an equal. She did not send me to Hearstwhile with the tools to actually hurt her or annoy her. All of this is just serving her purpose.

  It was time to leave.

  One last thing. "A real goddess would care," I said, and opened the portal.