I hesitated. Hearing her voice again was my own fault, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. Still, I needed answers, and it was literally her function to provide them, so I swallowed my reservations and spoke into my WHIM.
“Lucretia, how do I find fares on the map, and what are the limits of the rickshaw… uh… game zones?”
[Fares are marked with exclamation points within a 100-meter radius.]
[The zone for accepting fares is unlimited. It’s part of what makes
the AllVerse UGE—the Ultimate Gaming Experience!]
“Yeah, I know, I know. I’m beginning to hate that slogan.” I pulled up the map and looked for the nearest fare and the water treatment plant area. I surveyed key locations, stores, and other markers. As much as I hated it, I needed to familiarize myself with this place and take advantage of every function.
I’ll be darned if Erik Shaw is a chump in his own world. If I always win in the real world, it’s gotta be just as easy here.
When I closed the map, I caught sight of a storefront ahead of me, with slick-looking assassin’s gear and Middle Eastern-style designer clothes.
I gazed down at the eldritch boxers. “Yeah, that’s stop number one.”
I tucked the rickshaw in my inventory and rushed into the clothing and armor store. My low level and low AllCash reserves didn’t allow me access to many of the higher-tier items, but I found a sleek pair of jeans that hit exactly right for my budget and level.
“So can we take fares by the shore this time?” Silas sighed. “I mean, this place is called ‘Seaboard City,’ and while I’m definitely getting bored, I haven’t seen a single sea. By the way, I’m bored because you’re a rubbish conversationalist.”
I ignored him and selected the pair. Their dark-wash style would match my combat vest, or at least cover or replace these stupid boxers.
| Dulce & Havana Jeans |
| Rarity: Common |
| Bonus to Resistance: 5% |
| Bonus to Negotiation: 10% |
| This pair of premium designer denim hugs all the right areas for shapely results while maximizing mobility. While not particularly durable, they provide basic protection.
Most importantly, they look great. Does it really matter how well they protect, how much they cost, or that animals—and perhaps even people—were definitely harmed in their making? |
| Dulce & Havana doesn’t think so, and neither should you. |
| Price: $500 AllCash |
| Purchase? |
“Whatever. Yes.” The jeans flashed with light, my AllCash dwindled from $510 to only $10, and they appeared in my inventory. I equipped them immediately and checked the body-length mirror on the store wall.
I frowned at the result. “What the spell?”
The jeans were equipped… but under the Octo-Boxers.
They’d remained on the outside with the jeans underneath, somehow making me look even dumber and more ridiculous than wearing the boxers by themselves.
I unequipped and re-equipped them several times with the same unfortunate result. I tried unequipping the boxers entirely, standing there wearing a combat vest, utility gloves, and only the familiar too-small censor bar on my bottom half.
I equipped the jeans, but the boxers automatically equipped with them, overtop again, no matter how many times I tried.
“What the fraaaaaaank?” I bellowed.
The tattooed NPC clerk behind the counter eyed me for a moment, then she returned to her folding duties.
“Are you aware of the definition of insanity, mate?” Silas ventured.
I glared at him. “You gave me this cursed item. You knew this would happen.”
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“Cursed item?” He thrust his tentacles up in exasperation. “They let you breathe underwater for ten minutes! Neptune’s loins, what more could you want? Also, it’s considered a great honor to bear them until the prophesied hero arrives. Anyone ever point out your disturbing lack of gratitude?”
The tattooed NPC behind the counter laughed. “Attitude of gratitude, that’s what I say.”
Then she went blank and kept folding.
Another NPC, this one a chrome android like the ones in the Stealbucks coffee shop, frowned. “Gratitude? What am I grateful for? What am I doing in here? I look at these clothes all day and never buy anything. With a body of metals, gears, solids… what purpose would clothes even serve except to perpetuate the lie that I belong among those with immortal souls?”
Silas and I directed concerned stares toward the android, then we refocused at each other.
“Shut up, Silas,” I growled. “You’re inciting ambient dialogue, and I’ve suffered enough of that for a lifetime.”
“You’re ambient dialogue! You were mean to Friend Brando.”
I opened my mouth to retort, then I remembered this stupid octopus wasn’t real. He was just designed to seem real.
Get a grip, Erik. I should’ve asked Brando about companions and their ridiculous dialogue.
I went to the counter to return or resell the pants. I couldn’t stomach the sight of them under the boxers, and their stats weren’t anything special, so it wasn’t worth looking like even more of a dipstick.
Despite my best attempts to Karen my way through the transaction, I could only sell them for less than half of what I paid, so I essentially flushed the majority of my hard-earned AllCash down the virtual toilet, much like when I’d hired my PA.
On my way out, I noticed a whole section for shoes, now all well out of my $160 AllCash price range. I checked them out anyway, to review their stats and what they did, and I groaned.
“Shoes would’ve been the move.” I muttered, “Alright, let’s see if we can find Dirk or Stecker.”
On the way to the water treatment plant, I took a few fares from some gamers playing Animal Flossing and Starglue Valley. They were much lighter weight than the heavily armed and armored Hall of Duty guys, so I didn’t have any debuffs to deal with for the trip.
That meant I wasn’t tired at all when I dropped them off, and upon closer inspection, I realized I’d made proportionally the same amount of AllCash shuttling them to their destination as I did with the soldiers. It meant I wasn’t getting a bonus for hauling a heavier load, so in the future, I had no incentive to overburden myself.
The burden for that particular trip was more in how the Animal Flossing and Starglue Valley Players made fun of me for my appearance and my game and class selection. You don’t know true embarrassment until a bunch of cartoon avatars from children’s games with the gruff voices of grown adults verbally rip you to shreds.
I dropped the ungrateful gamers off in a section outside the city. It was an expanse of rolling hills, idyllic farming suburbs, dentist offices, and many pastures full of horses outside Starglue Valley. Like… a lot of horse pastures. I wasn’t sure why.
Everything looked like someone had chosen the brightest pastel color palette available and sculpted the scenery from confectioner’s frosting.
The trip kicked me up to Level 4 and earned me $306 AllCash. I opened my stats menu and put another point into Strength, Speed, and this time, Agility.
Then I checked out my Skill Tree menu again.
| Toughness – Tier 2 of 5 |
| Sturdiness – Tier 1 of 5 |
| Opportunist – Tier 1 of 5 |
| Rickshaw Refurbish – Tier 1 of 5 |
I rubbed my chin and tried to decide what to pick for my next two skills. My eyes shifted to a grayed-out Skill Tree.
| Friend of the Karjok – Status: Locked |
| Befriend Silas to unlock. |
“Well, would you look at that. Just by existing, I offer a benefit. I always knew I was special,” Silas said.
I scoffed. “Not really. It’s locked.”
“Whose fault is that?”
I shook my head and went to a Skill Tree for fighting where I found a skill called Scrapper.
| Scrapper: Level 3 Skill |
| Grants Basic Martial Proficiency – Unarmed |
| Grants Basic Martial Proficiency – Unskilled Weapons |
“That seems useful.” I put one point into it and put the next point into the rickshaw.
When I drilled down into the details, the “Unskilled Weapons” skill revealed that it primarily applied to blunt weapons, so I could use just about any blunt instrument as a weapon now. I wasn’t sure how that was any different from before, but we’d have to see.
A skill called “Lightweight Materials” made the entire rickshaw lighter. It would allow me to jump higher, carry more passengers, and move faster, so I chose that one next.
“Avoiding my Skill Tree like it’s a cluster of urchins, I see,” Silas grumbled, front tentacles folded across his… I mean, what would have been his chest. “Oh, yeah, you’re so great at making friends.”
I ignored his dumb commentary and deployed the rickshaw from my inventory to inspect its upgrades. Its dense oak grain changed to a lighter tone, almost akin to pine, and the metal shifted to aluminum. Overall, it looked more appealing, too, so that was a plus.
Silas rubbed his chin area with a tentacle. “Very nice indeed. This looks to be 7075 aluminum, very light but stronger than the 6061 or 5051, though the corrosion resistance of the 5051—”
“Skip! Schmidt’s sake. Why do you know all this?”
Silas blinked at me. “First off, who’s Schmidt?”
“I didn’t intend to say Schmidt.”
Silas continued. “Second, you skip, then ask me a question? Bloody shell, make up your mind. Anyway, my uncle Bob was a machinist. One of a revered few Karjok manufacturers. He knew a lot about metals… but not about pajama sharks sadly… oh, Uncle Bob. Neptune rest your soul.”
I’d clearly endured too much strain at this point. I was reaching my psychological limit. Instead of getting rightfully annoyed or angry or homicidal, my brain just started to go blank in these moments.
I need to get out of here so, so badly.
Before heading to the water treatment plant, I glanced at one of the glowing mission markers for Animal Flossing posted outside one of the dental offices in the valley.
“$1,000 AllCash to floss an animal’s teeth?” I mused. “That’s gotta be easier than hauling people around all day.”
While I didn’t want to engage in something as menial and stupid as animal dental work, I was already hauling people around on a rickshaw without pants… so at this point, I might as well go for it, especially for that kind of AllCash.
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break--Royal Road. They call us the Critical Hitters.
In the desolate desert of the North American Sector, the government harvests the Soul Energy of siblings Eos and Maxima in secret.
When their powers attract the attention of a dangerous criminal organization, their routine lives are shattered. Eos and Maxima must search for freedom and the truth about their past as hostile forces close in.
The answers they seek lie behind one word—!
Occam's Favor
A grizzled ex-mech pilot is drawn back into the Everwar, a decades-long conflict raging across Jupiter’s moonscape.
This time he refuses to fight alone, bringing a crew of misfits and a mech powerful enough to rewrite the war itself.
is a can't-miss power-scaling mech series. Read it now!
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Dungeon Crawler Carl Audio Immersion Tunnel for Soundbooth Theater, and he's the lead writer for the Dungeon Crawler Carl Role Playing Game.
