This was not a man, nor a lowly toad monster. Its clothes covered a green, leathery body, and what I’d thought was wrinkles around the elbows was oddly textured skin, rough and bumpy with warts.

  A great furry eyebrow tracked across its forehead, resting low over a single eye. A goatee enhanced its large mouth, currently open to reveal sharpened teeth. The thing wore a bow tie to match the maroon pants, and I would forever wonder why I had been distracted by the creature’s apparel instead of noticing the freaking green, hair-tufted skin that peeked out of it.

  It stood in a rush and, lifting goblin-like limbs ending in claws, stepped over the log. Long toes ending in talons stuck out of the sandals it was wearing.

  Why the hell did a goblin-like monster have a comb-over, a bow tie, and freaking sandals?

  Suddenly, the door debacle didn’t seem so bad.

  The monster charged at me with murderous intent. My tongue unstuck from the top of my mouth at the same time my feet unstuck from the ground. I spun on my heel and took off at a full sprint. A little purple bar at the side of my vision flared to life, warning me that danger was imminent.

  Yeah, I caught that, thanks.

  Music started from somewhere unseen, a fast accordion beat with drums quickly joining the chorus.

  Is that…polka?

  Yes or no, it was clearly the “danger” soundtrack. And very cheerful. Fabulous.

  The purple bar reduced quickly.

  The thing must be gaining on me!

  I tried for another burst of speed, but my feet wouldn’t churn any faster. Not couldn’t but wouldn’t. No matter how hard I pushed, my body would not comply. I had a speed blocker.

  How is that fair? Or possible?

  How was any of this possible?

  I pumped my arms anyway, stick held tightly. The purple bar got lower and lower. I didn’t have a chance. I’d have to fight.

  Fine. The description had said this stick would work if I swung it really, really hard. I could handle that.

  I grabbed the stick with my other hand. A flurry from the accordion said things were getting real. I paid attention to that bar, and when it winked out, I readied to turn—

  My legs gave out and I fell flat on my face.

  My swear came out jumbled and indistinct. Dirt scraped my cheek and I slid to a stop. The music faded as I tried to turn over, but it was like swimming in thick mud. I could barely move a finger or bat an eyelash. My joints ached and my limbs felt like lead.

  I grunted and shimmied and shivered on the ground, but try as I might, I could not get my body to do anything but lie there like a dead fish.

  To my surprise, no attack came. The music winked out and the once-purple bar started to repopulate in black. I had no choice but to lie there and watch it crawl to the starting point, wondering what horrible fate would befall me when it reached its zenith.

  The stick dug into my sternum where I’d fallen on it. The bar crept up and up, and then it turned purple again.

  I sucked in a startled breath as my shaking and shimmering turned into my rolling around on the ground like a very-much-alive fish out of water. The stick swung wildly before hitting the ground, bouncing up, and thwapping me in the face.

  “Ouch,” I grunted as I surged to standing, back to tip-top shape. I looked around wildly.

  Trees gently swayed in a breeze I couldn’t feel. Scraggly bushes shivered in a different breeze I couldn’t feel, and the flowers seemed painted into the landscape, not doing anything at all. The monster was gone. I’d succeeded in outrunning it, even without the extra burst of speed.

  The purple bar remained for a little longer before fading into the background. It didn’t entirely disappear, however. I could see the slight purple haze if I paid attention. There was no way to tell if it had always been there, or if the monster had flared it to life and now it was part of the landscape until I needed it again.

  The question was, what was it for?

  Prancing like an idiot with my stick at the ready, I took another look around to make sure the monster wasn’t playing hide-’n’-seek with me. There seemed to be no danger. The polka music was clearly the danger soundtrack. This purple bar was for something else.

  Given I was in the learning phase and worried what would happen if I saw another badly dressed monster, I decided I’d better learn this new facet.

  I stowed the stick in my inventory and then practiced a quick draw, taking it back out again. In, out, in, out, until it was second nature. It got to the point where I barely had to move my finger to the plus button before inventory would open. Perfect. That would save time.

  That done, I launched into a sprint. Immediately, that purple bar flared to life. The bar lowered the longer I sprinted, on and on until it ran out, and then I collapsed in a heap. Once in a heap, I had to lie there in blob form until the bar resumed its purple color.

  In other words, I was only allowed to flee for a certain amount of time. If I surpassed that time, I was punished by not being able to flee or fight at all. This place had rules. I’d need to learn them all so that I could break them and get an edge.

  Cheat to win. I won’t let you down, Granddad.

  Next I practiced just random sprinting, staying within the purple bar. Surprisingly, and unlike real life, I never got winded. If I was within that purple bar, I could sprint without taxing myself. Sprint, stop, and walk until I had more purple, sprint again, and my energy level remained at the level of walking. It was awesome!

  It was full night now, with the moon replacing the sun tracking across the sky, but my visibility was nearly the same. Shadows obscured some things, and the overall color palette was darker, with blues and purples, but overall, it didn’t really matter to my activities. Neither did not eating. I should be starving, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t hungry at all. Sure, I’d eat an entire bag of potato chips if offered, and maybe a bowl of ice cream for funsies, but I didn’t need to. Which was great, because my pantry still only contained that one grasshopper.

  The obvious next step was getting past that monster. Given the path ended at it, that meant I was probably supposed to kill it. Hard to do with just a stick. I had to find something better.

  Items sparkled as I roamed. I grabbed them and stuffed them into my inventory, always changing the tab back to [weapon] before swiping out again. Quick-draw stick wrangling was the most important thing right now.

  Largely, the things I found were fairly gross as far as food was concerned. A snail [Slime-Covered Patience Orb], a worm [Wriggling Protein Bar], a spider [Eight-Legged Anxiety Trigger], a pine cone [Spiky Forest Grenade], and a beetle [Crawling Crunch Pellet].

  As the sky changed hue, probably announcing daylight, I noticed a fluttering within a cluster of trees. Bright blue and unpredictable, a butterfly waited to be added to my inventory.

  If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  I crouched down. This was stealth mode I’d learned. It didn’t matter how tall (or short) the grasses were—if I crouched, I seemed to be mostly invisible. I could sneak up on critters, and they were none the wiser.

  The butterfly fluttered here and there, up and down, with no rhyme or reason. Pick a direction, you horribly unpredictable thing! At least it stuck to its general location.

  That was the other thing. Stuff here didn’t roam freely. Even that monster had gone back to idly staring at the fire. “Living” things seemed to have set parameters, like they were programmed. Unless I barged in and mucked everything up, they didn’t alter their habits.

  I focused on that butterfly. All I had to do was open my inventory near it, and it would hopefully fly in and trap itself there. That failing, I’d have to swat it. I was not above swatting a butterfly. These were desperate times.

  I slunk closer. It flapped two arm spans away. Now was the time!

  I burst forward with my inventory up like a net, my hands lifted in a corralling position.

  The butterfly changed altitude, but not by much. It must’ve caught sight of me, because it gracefully danced away.

  I darted closer, and it changed direction. Right for my face!

  Surprised, I shrieked—I couldn’t help it—and flapped my arms wildly.

  “Get— Gah! No—ah, no!”

  I swatted at it. Missed.

  It hit my face.

  “Get— Pfft.” I jerked back. My inventory came with me.

  The crunch of death announced I’d caught it.

  “What the hell, though?” I shouted, wiping at my face. “Gross—”

  The soft sounds of the accordion caught my ear. Drums entered the rhythm. The polka was starting up.

  Danger!

  “Crap, crap, crap!” I whispered, looking around frantically. I could run, obviously, but I didn’t know which way to go. I’d had a head start with that other monster. I didn’t know where this one even was. If I ran right into the thing, my sprint-walk-sprint exit plan might not work.

  Could monsters climb trees?

  Even if they couldn’t, it would give me a good vantage point to hit the thing with my stick.

  The tree on my right had rough bark with a few divots. Climbable. Another, a little farther away, would be much easier.

  The music increased in tempo and volume. Dang it, that obviously meant danger was getting nearer. The monster would show itself soon.

  I dashed to the tree. The music grew louder until the polka was in full swing, happily upbeat though death came walking. I grabbed hold of a knobby bit, stuck my fingers in a divot, jammed my foot against a bump, and pulled myself higher. The purple bar flared to life. Ah. Climbing had constraints as well.

  The tree wasn’t too big. If I could get up quickly, I’d make it.

  Something moved out of the corner of my eye. I glanced over my shoulder and startled.

  A creature rose from the ground like an extremely fast-growing weed. Green plant matter covered its ball-like head/body, about the size of a beach ball. Little vines rose from its top and waved in the air, no rhyme or reason for their movements. Its mouth stretched nearly ear to ear, though it didn’t have any, and was of course filled with horribly sharp teeth. Large eyes sat low, yellow but for tiny slits for its pupils.

  “Go, go, go!” I urged myself, turning back to the tree as the plant monster continued to grow out of the ground.

  I reached for another handhold and thought I had it, but when I put my other foot up, I lost it. My palm went flat onto the tree, and I prepared to stop myself from sliding. Except…I didn’t go anywhere. My palm stuck to the tree as though I were a spider on a wall.

  My lips pulled down at the corners in confusion. Knowing I needed to hurry, I chanced using my flat hand to pull myself up. The purple bar continued to move, as did my body. Another palm, my bare feet against the trunk, and still I climbed.

  Huh. They didn’t have the knack of doors, and the mechanics of climbing seemed to elude the makers of this place. I’d certainly use that to my advantage.

  I reached the top with a bunch of purple to spare and hauled myself over the edge. The bar immediately started to refill. Fantastic! I wondered if I could scale walls and cliffs like that.

  I pulled out my stick and got ready. Having a big rock would sure be helpful right about now.

  The plant monster made it fully above ground. In addition to the ball head/body, it had four limbs that were nearly equal in size. It lifted two legs at a time, front and back on opposite sides, moved them forward, and then put them down, inching closer. It repeated the process on the other side. It didn’t move as fast as that other monster had, or even as fast as the Toads of Unusual Size.

  I debated getting down and thwapping it with my stick. The memory of the butterfly getting past my swatting stopped me. This thing might be moving slowly now, but maybe it had hidden talents I didn’t know about.

  The plant monster lackadaisically made it to the bottom of my tree. It looked up at me but didn’t seem able to angle its head much. It had to take a step back for a better view.

  It nudged the tree with its face. Again. It paused, looked up, and then jumped. The top of its head reached about halfway up the tree. Once back on the ground, it nudged the tree with its face again. This monster wasn’t very bright.

  On its next jump, I took a chance and swung at it with my stick. The end connected with the top of the monster’s head. A little red line appeared above it in midair. The line went from one length to one-quarter of that length.

  A health meter. This place was definitely set up like some sort of game, except with extreme stakes.

  The monster didn’t show signs of distress. On its next jump, I clubbed it again.

  The polka stopped with a long fart noise. The monster burst in a swirl of plant matter, then reduced to a levitating vial filled with red. The vial sparkled, which indicated it was something for my inventory.

  Before I stashed my stick and started down, another sparkle caught my eye. Nestled between some branches in a place that really should get blown off by the wind was a nest holding two shimmering eggs.

  “Don’t mind if I do.”

  I turned to crawl that way. The moment I put my hand down—the one holding the stick—the weapon disappeared. It reappeared on my back, half the size, zero weight, and held there by seemingly nothing at all.

  I paused, balanced, and then reached back to grab it again. It came easily into my hand, the proper length and heft. I chanced putting it back, reaching it over my shoulder and grimacing as I let it go. It reduced down and stuck fast.

  “Huh,” I said. That was actually pretty handy.

  I continued on and grabbed the eggs.

  [Fragile Protein Capsule - bird egg]

  Edible, breakable, regrettably steppable. Hunt for these in a tree, cheat and buy them in a shop, or misstep and cancel breakfast.

  When cooked, adds heart to your existence. Consumed raw, prepare to run up some steps in a red bandana and gray sweatsuit, because it’s a helluva boost.

  “Adds heart to your existence,” I repeated in a murmur, thinking that over.

  In my pantry, the little egg cartoon symbol had “x2” in the corner.

  Add heart or get a boost. Boost like…speed boost? Stamina boost?

  Heart like…HP?

  No, HP was hit power, wasn’t it?

  Damn it, I wished I’d played more computer or video games. I’d stopped in my teens with Super Mario Bros. and never returned.

  Whatever it was, it was also the only thing in my pantry that I liked to eat. I could figure out what it did when I killed that monster at the end of the path and used its fire.

  Back on the hunt for sharp objects and hoardable items, I dropped down from the tree and grabbed the levitating item the monster had left behind.

  [Bushling Sap Droplet]

  Sour, salty, and barely effective. Works about as quickly as grass grows, which makes sense, since it is grass’s angry cousin. Drink it down to cure paper cuts, stubbed toes, and crippling embarrassment.

  “Everything is super funny when you’re not the one in here fighting for your life,” I grumbled, stashing it in my inventory. It fit into [satchel] as a little red potion bottle. When selected, it showed a very meager array of numbers, meaning it definitely wouldn’t heal much. Still, anything at all was good news.

  I swiped my screen away. Instead of tucking back wherever it went, everything cleared and text ran across the screen.

  First kill bonus! Look at you, you aren’t so useless after all! Granted, you did run away in sheer cowardice from the first enemy you found, but in the end, hiding in a tree in your underwear and smashing your opponent with a stick won the day. Congratulations!

  As a bonus for your act of not-quite-bravery-but-good-enough, you are awarded [small gold chest].

  And as an added bonus, you might get to see how that new sap droplet works.

  Look out!

  I dove right. A heavy item thudded to the ground in the place I had just been standing. Out of breath, I rolled to my side to look back.

  A small golden chest about two feet across and two feet high wiggled to a stop on its side.

  “Think I’m a fool, do you?” I asked, pushing to my feet. “I know what ‘look out’ means. It means you’re about to get hit in the head with something, that’s what it means. I learned that lesson the hard way a few times.”

  I bent over the chest and my eyes widened. That sure looked like real gold.

  I tapped it with a finger, then scratched it with a fingernail.

  It felt like gold, too. I wasn’t sure if anything in here was real, and I doubted we could take our inventory items out with us if we survived, but just in case we could, I wanted to stuff this chest into my stash!

  I undid the clasp and pushed at the lid. It snapped open like a switchblade. Light blared from inside for a moment before dimming into a soft glow. Once my fingers grazed that glow, the item was transferred to my inventory.

  [Knife]

  A simple blade favored by chefs the world over. Great for spreading butter, better for cutting down morale, since it’ll never make it through armor. Make magic in the kitchen, because it’s the only magic this item brings to the table. Get it?

  In the stats, the durability said, “2 - chips when you look at it wrong.”

  I took it back out of inventory and sat down, pulled the stick free, and started whittling. Obviously, the knife would be sharper than a whittled stick-turned-spear, but a spear would keep me farther away. If things went tits up in a skirmish, I’d have that couple feet to sprint away.

  Tomorrow, I’d confront the sandal-wearing monster again, and this time I would not run.