Standing on a rock, I start to wonder what brought me to this point. Hopper and Penelope join me on this rock, and again I wonder what brought me to this point. The shit-filled slimes that are swarming the base of the rock smell like shit. I let out a sigh and quickly regret it as the taste of the swamp hangs in my mouth. It kind of reminds me of smelly Doug. I wonder how he’s doing.

  Many thoughts run through my mind. The chief among them being that I could push Penelope and Hopper into the slimes. I could even blame it on the slippery rock. I would probably get away with it, too, but I steady my hand. Now is not the time. It would be funny, but it would end up with me being slathered in shit.

  “So, this is what you heard?” I ask Hopper as the three of us balance on this slippery rock.

  “I swear to the Gods, I was sure it was something bigger. At least it sounded like something bigger,” Hopper says in his defense.

  Penelope silently mutters something to herself.

  “What are you saying, Penelope? I can’t hear you over the slimes,” I say as the noises from the slimes grow louder.

  “You said you had a ‘good’ feeling about this. Does this look like something ‘good’, Charlatan?” she asks with a menacing tone.

  “Well, ‘good’ is in the eye of the beholder. So-” My foot suddenly slips, and I barely manage to catch myself. “Nope. Can you just blow them up?” I ask

  “Yes, I could, but the resulting splatter would be… less than ideal,” Penelope explains.

  Hopper gives out a sigh. “I have a plan.”

  “Oh, great. What’s the plan, Hopper?”

  Of course, Hopper is an expert at hunting. He must know exactly how to get rid of these slimes without us getting covered in shit. I always believed in you. My best friend.

  Hopper hops to the nearby tree, leaving Penelope and me alone on the rock.

  “You traitorous scum!” I yell.

  Hopper looks down and lets out a small laugh. “I’m sorry, CJ, it was you or me, and I’d rather it be you. After all, I’m meeting up with Luna later in the day,” he says with a somber voice.

  “I knew you would betray me someday, but now, here. At least be a man about it. Face me. Face me!” I yell dramatically.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t watch it happen. It’s far too gross,” he also says dramatically.

  “Are the two of you done? I’d rather not get covered in this excrement if I can help it. So, Charlatan, put that crafty mind of yours to work,” she says with worry lacing her every word.

  “Yes, yes, Penelope. I’m already working on it.”

  How do we get out of this situation? Penelope's [Step] has to have solid ground in order for it to work. This rock is not solid ground. So, that’s not going to work. As I think I look up and see some swamp vines. [Gardening] is telling me that those swamp vines could easily carry our weight, but they’re extremely slippery.

  “Hey, Penelope, any chance you have fire?”

  “I don’t have a [Skill], but I do have a magical lighter,” she says as she pulls out the red lighter.

  “Why do you have a lighter?”

  She hands me the lighter and sighs. “I like to burn small things when I get bored. It’s a bad habit. Don’t worry about it,” she says rapidly.

  “Ok, Pyromaniac.”

  “I’m not a pyromaniac. I just like to watch things burn sometimes. Small things like papers and wooden shavings. Nothing big,” she defends herself.

  Taking the lighter, I light the vines on fire. The slippery substance quickly burns away along with the fire.

  “Yeah, yeah. Lets use these vines to swing away from this mess,” I say as I grab a hold of a vine.

  “Watch out!” Hopper yells.

  Turning to look at him, I barely catch a glimpse of a large dead tree trunk as it slams straight into the grouping of shit slimes. The resulting explosion of shit cascades up and then promptly covers us head to toe.

  Wiping the shit from my face, I look in the direction the tree came from.

  Standing there is a nasty-looking Ogre. It points at us and laughs with the full force of its belly. Well, we did want to fight something.

  Before I can even move, Penelope appears to the side of the Ogre. She swings. The Ogre blocks with his large club. The impact sends a shockwave through the swamp.

  I spit out some shit. “Hopper, pin it down,” I say as I run towards the Ogre.

  It lets out a bellowing roar as it swings at Penelope. A shimmering shield appears and is promptly shattered as Penelope is sent flying back towards me. Penelope digs her heels into the swampy ground and screeches to a halt next to me.

  “It’s faster than it looks, and it stinks,” she says as she traces her finger across the edge of her greatsword.

  “Awesome. I’ll distract it. You know what to do from there,” I say as her greatsword crackles to life, and she disappears from view.

  Always got to be the bait. I carefully roll some of the slime parts into a ball and [Throw] it at the Ogre. The ball of shit and slime slams right into his eye.

  “Would you look at that? I didn’t think it was possible, but I somehow made you smell even worse than you already did. I mean, I can smell your breath from all the way over here. Have some self-respect,” I taunt as I roll up another ball.

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  The Ogre looks at me with confusion and then blushes.

  Huh. That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. Let us try a different approach.

  “Sorry, I was lying. You smell clean. You’re, in fact, the nicest-smelling creature that I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. A field of flowers has nothing on you,” I taunt?

  The Ogre turns red with anger.

  There we go. Just a small cultural gap there. Now everything is right in the world. Oh, it’s charging towards me.

  The now furious Ogre charges straight for me at speeds that a creature of that size should never go. An arrow flies and lands right in front of the Ogre. The wet ground quickly freezes right as the Ogre steps on it and slips. The now staggered Ogre slides towards me at uncontrolled speeds.

  Time to leave. I go to move, but quickly find myself stuck in the mud. Oh, no.

  The Ogre slams into me as we continue to slide uncontrollably. Now, having found myself glued to the Ogre's face, I [Throw] the ball into its open mouth. It coughs and struggles as the acid from the slime burns in its throat. During the distraction, I detach myself from its face and climb onto its back. Do I jump?

  The scenery around whizzes by at ludicrous speeds. Ok. That’s a no. Do I wait it out? A very sudden tree appears in our projected route. Ok. That’s also a no. There’s only one thing left to do.

  I quickly grab one of the swamp vines and hoop it through the Ogre's open mouth. With all my might, I steer the Ogre to the left, barely avoiding the oncoming tree, but we’re not out of the swamp yet. A random patch of spikey rocks appears in our path, threatening to end our journey in a not-so-peaceful manner.

  The path is narrow. We’re not going to be able to steer away from this one, but thankfully, there is a fallen tree that looks suspiciously like a ramp.

  “I hope you’re not afraid of heights,” I say as I steer the Ogre straight into the tree ramp.

  We easily clear the rocks and land safely on the other side.

  “Nice one, Ogre. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

  It thrashes against the swamp vines in response as we continue to slide down the swampy hill.

  “Okay, maybe the landing wasn’t perfect, but I’m working with what I have? Are you the perfect sled? I didn’t think so,” I retort.

  The Ogre grunts.

  Putting my focus back on the path, I see death. The mouth of a gigantic tree sits directly in our path, but that’s not the worst part. The numerous jagged growths inside it are almost impossible to navigate. Luckily, I excel at doing the impossible.

  Taking another swamp vine, I loop it around the Ogre's arm and pull as hard as my body can. We spiral through the tree, narrowly dodging the spikey growths, all while covered in shit. Exiting the tree, we see the wall of the dungeon. There’s no steering away from that.

  “Guess this is my stop. It's been fun,” I say as I jump off the Ogre.

  Bracing for impact, I instead slide into a frozen bowl of swamp water. In the distance, I hear a thunderous crash of what I can only assume is the Ogre, but I can’t tell because I’m spinning violently in this frozen bowl.

  Slowly, I come to a stop, but the world doesn’t seem to stop spinning.

  What I can only assume is Hopper looks down at me. “You good?”

  Pulling myself out of the bowl, I look over towards the heavily injured Ogre as it squares off with Penelope. “Depends. Are you a triplet?”

  “No, I’m an only child.”

  “Then, I’m a third of the way to good. Go help, Penelope. I’ll be fine,” I say as I struggle to keep my lunch.

  Hopper nods and then shoots a volley of arrows towards the Ogre. I’m covered in shit and slime. The world is still spinning and-

  A beam of light pierces through the Ogre, leaving a large hole through its chest.

  Oh great. The sudden fit of nausea that comes from [Leveling Up] ripples through me, and some not-so-great things happen in this bowl of swampy ice.

  Tristan stands at the front of the class trying to get everyone's attention, but it’s apparently hard to wrangle a bunch of second years. He finally shakes his head, runs his hand through his blond hair, and lets out a loud whistle. The room goes silent instantly.

  “Good. I have your attention. It’s time to start the strategy meeting, but before we do, Regina, have you seen Fiona or Derek around?” Tristan asks.

  “I think they had to go home for a family emergency,” I [Lie].

  “Couldn’t have been at a worse time,” he says as he scans the room. “Actually, we are down a lot of people today.”

  Abigail flips her jade hair. “We don’t need them anyhow. We’ve already pulled ahead,” she gloats.

  “We shouldn’t underestimate the first years. They’re stronger than they look,” Luna says from the corner of the room.

  Abigail rolls her eyes. “They’ve only won two duels out of what, fifty-eight. I’m pretty confident that we have this in the bag.”

  Luna goes to speak, but is cut off by Tristan. “Silly little Abigail. We’re second years. The fact that they’ve won twice against our advanced class is a disgrace upon our reputation. We should not be losing at all against… against…”

  “Inferiors?” Luna asks him with a hint of suspicion.

  “I was going to say first years. They should know their place in the pecking order after all,” he says with a hint of a smile, “but enough about that. Has anybody been able to challenge anyone from their advanced class?”

  Abigail sighs. “Other than the first beatings, no. Well, actually, we did manage to duel there Rank 21 and 22.”

  Tristan shakes his head. “As far as I can tell, they’re avoiding us, and based on some information that I got, they are planning a counterattack. We need to beat them to the punch,” he explains as he draws out a schedule with names of the first year's advanced class on it.

  Lupin groans next to me. “Not to be rude, Regina, but you smell like shit,” he says as he covers his nose.

  “Apologies, I accidentally walked in some manure on the way here,” I [Lie].

  “So, if everybody agrees, I believe we should target Talon, William, and Yilua. I’ll keep trying to challenge The Chosen One in the meantime. Abigail and Luna should stay on standby for later,” Tristan explains.

  The group mumbles and starts to make their way out. As soon as I’m out of view, I drop the [Disguise] and finish writing down what was on the board. Like taking candy from a baby.