LERNAEAN IS THE SIZE OF AN ELEPHANT, if an elephant had a neck longer than a telephone pole and a head that breathes fire.

  

  You Are Under Attack by an Exotic Mountain Boss!

  The Trainwreck Bros go ape, hooting and hollering, an instant cacophony of yo-bro Red Bull energy. Brocodile immediately runs straight at Lernaean and yells, “Run the 1v1!” His gleaming new flamethrower flashes in his hands. Drone cameras reflect the light as the gas pilot flame ignites. “Who wants the smoke?!” He pulls the trigger and the flamethrower vomits flmes all over the monster.

  Lernaean just blinks at him.

  Did this idiot just try to kill a dragon with fire?

  Unharmed, Lernaean responds with its own flame-thrower that blasts Brocodile like he’s an ant in front of a fire hose.

  

  Brocodile eliminated!

  We need to kill this damn thing fast, but all I’ve got is an empty WWII rifle. At least it’s got a bayonet. Like that will help. I down a can of spinach and feel my Strength surge.

  

  Lernaean Dragonfire Cooldown (:45)

  Forty-five seconds. Pepper has Meat Missile. If I can get her up to 30mph, she’ll blow that damn dragon to smithereens. “Pep, get over h—”

  Brocephus yells like a kamikaze pilot and charges straight at the dragon. He whips out the biggest sword I’ve ever seen, one of those Final Fantasy Buster Blades that’s bigger than he is. He chops at the dragon’s neck. His sword goes right through it like a wet noodle, decapitating Lernaean.

  The dragon’s head hits the ground with a sickening splat.

  Well… that was easy. The Trainwreck Bros really are overpowered.

  The Bros high-five and immediately start posing for selfies as camera drones buzz around them. Laser text flashes up behind them. #TrainRek #UMadBro #BigBoiEnergy

  As they stick their tongues out and leer at the camera, two tentacles slither from the dragon’s severed neck.

  The wriggling new necks plump like Ball Park Franks in a microwave until both necks pop out a baby dragon head like they just gave birth. The heads get very big very fast. Fangs grow out of them. In five seconds, Lernaean is twice as dangerous as it began.

  Crap. This thing isn’t a dragon.

  “It’s a hydra!” I shout at the top of my lungs.

  Brocephus turns and yells at me. “What?”

  “A hydra!”

  “Hydra?” Brocephus yells back. “Like in Captain America?”

  My God these kids are dumb. “If you cut off one head, it grows tw—”

  Lernaean’s two new heads snap out, grab hold of either end of Brocephus, and rip him in half. “Oh, great, grandpa, thanks for telling me!” he shouts at me before his corpse hits the ground in two bloody chunks.

  

  Brocephus eliminated!

  That’s why the set design included the Greek pottery and the art of Hercules. It wasn’t stupid, it was a clue. Whoever wrote this game gave us hints about what was coming. Lernaean was the island where the hydra legend comes from. If we had only been a little smarter…

  “Yaaah!”

  A Bro charges Lernaean with a scream, wielding a double-bladed battle axe that looks like it should be on a Conan the Barbarian cover, flaming some kind of black anti-matter as if it’s possessed by a rabid devil. I hold out my hand, panicked. “No, sto—”

  He chops his Conan blade through Lernaean’s neck, decapitating it. Three seconds later, the damn thing has three heads, all of them hissing like a cappuccino maker on meth. Bro strikes at the next neck, severing it, then another. “Stop chopping off its f§cking heads!” I holler at him. “It’s a hydra, don’t you get it?!”

  “Gawd, shut up, stupid hobo!” A Bro shouts back at me. “I got this, no cap!”

  Lernaean’s new heads decapitate the Bro somewhere above the rib cage.

  

  SoHoBro eliminated!

  “Shi§.” Half my party is already dead and we haven’t done anything but make Lernaean stronger.

  

  Goldfish Mode

  Countered! This psionic effect is ineffective against Boss mobs

  I see Pepper on the other side of the room, her eyes hot pink from her Psi powers. “Dammit, Cabbage Patch! You can’t use Goldfish Mode against bosses, it told you that in the damn description!”

  “I forgot!” Pepper screams. “I’m scared!”

  “G§ddammit.” Bromeo screams and fires a machine gun at the hydra. One of the heads collapses, dead. For a second I think he might have actually found a solution, then I see two little snake-necks grow from each bullet hole. “G§dammit!”

  This thing is going to grow a dozen more heads in a few seconds. And these idiots don’t even understand how to stop it.

  I flick a burning barrel stave from Carl’s Cannonball Cart into my hand. “Leroy F§cking Jenkins.” I charge at the Lernaean Hydra.

  I stab the burning stave into the wound where a snake-neck is growing. It shrieks and dies as I cauterize the hole, and the baby head falls to the ground in a twitching chunk. For a half-second, I feel like Hercules, then Lernaean’s three big heads spin on me, ready to tear me to shreds… and I wish I had thought this through further.

  Pepper waddles into my line of sight. “Yoo-hoo! Mister Dragon! I’ve got a special question for you! If you get it right, you get a special prize!” Her chalkboard flashes.

  PLEASE SOLVE THE PUZZLE:

  2(x – 5)2 + √(x + 9) = ?

  What the hell? She’s going to get herself killed. I don’t understand Pepper’s gambit until I see her eyes are glowing hot pink again.

  

  Head Fake

  Pepper’s aggro-draw effect saves my ass. The hydra is staring at the flashing algebra problem as if it were a baby puppy, utterly mesmerized. Saliva drools from its lips as if the thing is trying to think… and failing.

  “Go!” Pepper waves at me. “Go! Go!”

  I can’t run. It will just delay the inevitable. Instead, I cauterize the next bullet hole. Lernaean flinches, but won’t stop staring at the math problem, transfixed. I burn off the baby heads and cauterize every last one of them. After 30 seconds, the Head Fake wears off. When it does, the three remaining heads, the big ones, turn on me.

  Only one way out. I scream at the Bros. “Chop off the rest of its heads!”

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  “You said we weren’t supposed to do that!” yells a Bro.

  Lernaean’s eyes stare at me like I’m a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast. I scream. “Just kill it, damn you!”

  “Sheez, dude, make up your mind.” The Bro with watermelon boobs produces a magic greatsword and hacks it through Lernaean’s neck. I block a bite attack with my Shellshock and jam my last burning barrel stave into the neck-hole before it can split into more heads. Bro chops off the second head, and as I cauterize the stub, my little torch goes out with a hiss.

  Wham! I’m nailed in the side, and it feels like an alligator just took a chunk out of my midsection. Lernaean’s final head jerks sideways and I see my guts spill all over the cave, some on the floor, some in its teeth. I hit the ground as my HUD flashes emergency red.

  

   Health: 1%

  “Whoa, wicked, dude!” one of the Bros shouts as I gurgle blood on the floor. Pepper screams.

  

  Head Fake (failed, cooldown :30)

  Pepper’s Mesmerist skill isn’t going to work twice; the hydra rears up to finish me off. It lunges an open mouth at me and I bring up my Shellshock shield. Its face rams into the Oolith egg and bounces off like it just hit a brick wall. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t move. I’m as good as dead.

  UMadBro leaps into the fray and chops the last head off with a silver katana. He spins, wipes the blade, dramatically shoves it back in the sheath, and strikes a pose for the cameras. “Nobody tops UMadBro!”

  He doesn’t burn the stump.

  Another baby hydra head emerges behind him, growing rapidly.

  Morons. They’re all morons.

  I grab the last flaming item in my inventory: a burning pile of horseshit. I fling it at the thing. The baby hydra head screams as it eats flaming crap. Fire burns it away. Lernaean slumps to the ground, dead.

  The cave lights up with blazing hashtags #RIftBoss #Victory #TooManyHeads as the combat soundtrack suddenly flips to the triumphant music I heard at the end of the Long Arm Quest.

  

  VICTORY!

  You killed the Dragon That Wouldn’t Die! Congratulations, you are the best in the world at murdering multiheaded menaces!

  Murder Payday! 1500XP ea. | 1,500,000* gold ea.

  All Players: RiftCred +500

  I lean back on the ground, bleeding and gasping for air. “Do NONE of you… SERIOUSLY know… what a HYDRA IS?!”

  No one pays attention, they’re too busy ogling the loot.

  

  Dragon’s Lair Treasure!

  Exotic LootBox x5 (60:00)

  Skin-to-Win Epic Upgrade (1:00)

  Exotic Heal Potion +1

  Gold Dragon Tooth +1

  Trickster Elixir (2/5)

  Quest Prize: Two Heads Are Better Than One!

  All surviving Players receive a free respawn! Valid for all Players who survive the Quest!

  Quest Prize: Hydra, I Hardly Knew Ya!

  All surviving Party Members receive Hydraskin armor, which activates if your Health drops to 1%. Hydraskin armor will instantly revive you, remove all debuffs, absorb all remainder damage, and bring your health to 10%. Your Get-Out-Of-Death-Free card. (Single use consumable)

  I see the loot added to my inventory. Under my shirt, a small green gem appears in the middle of my chest and starts lashing itself around my ribs with a series of tight steel bands. Hydraskin. Nice.

  I don’t want to waste the Hydraskin’s single use, so I guzzle down my new Exotic Heal Potion which takes my Health to full. I get a tickling feeling as I watch my guts crawl back into my stomach. Gross.

  While the Bros are high-fiving and chest-bumping, I snatch a LootBox for myself, and one for Pepper. I get a badge with a pair of dice for Against All Odds, along with a badge that shows a dead dragon and another that shows seven hydra heads. The only thing I don’t get is the Two Heads free respawn; those are Player-Only. Still. That’s some good loot.

  

  Unique Badge Unlocked! Dragonslayer

  Who’s the apex predator now? Please flex responsibly. +250XP

  Badge Unlocked! Against All Odds

  Despite losing half your party you beat the odds and killed the boss! +250XP

  Unique Quest Badge: Heads Hunter

  Proving once again that multiple decapitations are a valid strat.

  The Bros who got killed by the hydra suddenly bloop-blip! into the room and the celebration redoubles. The Bros are going nuts. “All riiight, bro!” “Epic W!” “I leveled up!” “Whooo!”

  I watch my HypeScore gain a hundred, then five hundred points. It’s climbing, not nearly as quickly as I would like, but still, it’s money in the bank. And I’m still alive.

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Suggested Dialogue

  “That was totes lit, team! Can’t wait to do it again with you guys! Say ‘CHEESE’ while standing in front of the corpse for maximum team bonding!” Remember: Affirm your allies’ kill counts, decapitation technique and fashion choices. Everyone loves positive vibes!

  I’m not going to say these cheese-ass lines, I’m not their Uber driver. But if I’m going to get a good rating from these knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers, I need them to remember they’d all be dead without me. I get up and walk into the circle, nodding and faking a smile. “All right. Nice work. Good thing I was here to help you stop those heads from growing back.”

  The celebration stops cold. Brocephus frowns. “Why you gotta be costing me credits, Grandpa?”

  Brocodile snaps at me. “I missed some of the loot because of you, homo!”

  “What a f§cking toolbag.”

  I feel my ears turn red as steam comes out. Before I can say a word, they turn to Pepper with a different tune. “But you’re certified peak! I loved that cat-dancing thing!”

  “Yeah! You can join our party any time, duck!”

  Pepper blushes. “Aw thanks guys! You’re just aces!”

  UMadBro jerks his chin at me. “Just don’t bring him next time, okay?” He turns to the remaining Bros. “OKAY MOM, GAWD! Damn, my Mom’s making me go to polo lessons, like right now, I gotta bounce. See you.”

  “Seeya!” “GG.” “GG.”

  UMadBro winks out of existence, followed by the rest of the Trainwreck Bros. With nothing left to film, the camera drones all take off, and in a few seconds, the cave is empty except for Pepper, me, and the dead hydra.

  

  InvoDump Status Rescinded

  I watch all the weapons, armor, and gear disappear from my inventory. All that’s left is the gear I started with and a dozen pieces of junk the Bros didn’t bother with. I’ve gone from pack mule to trash can.

  

  You have been removed from Party [Trainwreck Bros]

  Good riddance.

  The cave mouth creaks open and I see Anna S is standing at the cave mouth with the WADs. “Dammit!” “They beat us to it!” “Sh§t!” They kick the dead dragon, cursing and bellyaching.

  Anna leans against the cave wall and lights a cigarette. “Trainwreck bought the win.” She turns to her team. “You know how much they spent on that gear? You guys were the better team, those clowns just had more coin. Still, you all leveled up. And we got some great loot along the way. Next time we team up, we’ll kick their asses.”

  “Yeah, you got that right.” One of them slaps Anna on the shoulder. “Thanks for that voice-com relay thing you did. I don’t know if we would have made it up here without it.”

  She gives a casual salute and clicks her tongue. “At your service, boys. Call me when you want to go again. I’m always here for you.”

  “Thanks, Anna, good job.” “GG.” “GG.” “GG.”

  As they wink out of existence, I see a notification flash over Anna’s head.

  

  You have received a recommendation from Party [Weapons of Ass Destruction (WAD)]

  Rating: ★★★★★

  “Good coordination buffs. #HotChick”

  VSC HypeScore +?4000

  “Oh, come on!” I bark, frustrated. “Five stars? You lost!”

  “Did I?” She blows neon green smoke. “They had a good time, they leveled up, and they got some swag. That’s all they’re after.”

  “Fine.” I bottle up my bitching. “Who the hell is GiGi, anyway?”

  “GiGi?”

  “They said it a hundred times. At the end.”

  “G.G.” Anna laughs. “It means Good Game. You really are a fish out of water, aren’t you, Disco Dave?”

  “I did pretty good.” I puff up my chest. “My team won.”

  “And what did that get you?”

  My HUD lights up.

  

  You have received a recommendation from Party [Trainwreck Bros]

  Rating: ★

  “Dooshbag. Duk good.”

  Reputation -5

  VSC HypeScore: -?500

  “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.” I just lost 500 Hype from one bad rating. “These kids are idiots.”

  “Maybe don’t tell them that.” Anna isn’t paying attention to me, she’s already scrolling through her new Party Invites. She lands on an offer she seems to like. “Bingo. Adios, Triple D. Nice meeting you, Pep. Keep him in line, would you?”

  “I sure will, Anna!”

  “And hey, if you see Hank the Tank, tell him I’m looking for him.” She accepts the invite and winks out in a flash of light.

  “Oh, aren’t they all so fun?” Pepper smiles like a five-year-old. “And we beat the dragon!”

  I hate to admit it, but that was kind of fun. I spot the 2 Trickster Elixir vials in my inventory. “Dammit. I forgot to ask her what the Elixir does. Maybe we—”

  I don’t have time to finish the sentence as the universe jerks sideways and my world suddenly becomes a million screens filled with a billion eyes watching me.

  

  Welcome to the Blap-Blap Show!

  You are LIVE in 5… 4… 3… 2…