9 DAYS, 19 HOURS UNTIL RIFTSTORM DESTROYS THE WORLD.

  We land amid a series of hot springs. Geysers spew into the air and atomize mist, filling the air with rainbows. For a second, I expect the Nyanmite C4ts to come back with their little rainbow trails, but nothing tries to attack us. It’s like the game designers took the hot springs of Yellowstone and multiplied them by a hundred and threw in a few dozen Old Faithfuls for fun.

  

  You have joined the party [Respawn Rangers]

  EmpathyEngine?: No Funny Business!

  This is a RiftElite party that has paid for your help. Please be respectful and keep your stunts on the field. Failure to comply may result in unfortunate penalties.

  I fall down on my backside laughing.

  Pepper eyes me, stunned. “Why are you laughing? That horrible robot-man was so mean to you!”

  “Because I’m finally starting to get under their skin.” EmpathyEngine isn’t even trying to be sweet anymore. It’s just gone straight to threats. It’s refreshing to have a little honesty for a change. I don’t think anything could break my good mood right now. I just stuck a broomstick up HumanAsset’s ass and signed my name on the handle. “I might actually enjoy this game.”

  “Oh good!” Pepper smiles, then glances around. “But where are our new friends?”

  “I don’t know.” We got drafted by the Respawn Rangers, but I don’t see a player party anywhere in the hot springs. Maybe they’re in a saferoom. Or maybe this is the respawn point for whatever they’re doing right now. Whatever the reason, we’ve got a few minutes to ourselves. “We have LootBoxes to open. Let’s see what we got.”

  “Okay! Little one first!” She pops open the Epic SkinBox and I see the notification on her chalkboard: 3x Epic Skin Upgrades. Nice. I hope I get the same thing. 3 Skin upgrades might get me out of this stupid street beggar outfit. “Oh this is fun!” Pepper flips through the controls, then her eyes get blink-blink-blink three sizes bigger. “Am I pretty now?”

  “You were always pretty,” I say the words before I think. It’s the same response I always gave my niece; it just pops out.

  “Aww! Thank you Dave!” She blushes. “I’m so sorry those boys were so mean to you. I really did think they were nice at first. Someone should teach them some manners.” Pepper pulls the BB logo off her chest and throws it on the ground. “And I won’t be part of their club until they do.”

  I smile. “Open your big box.”

  Pepper’s Exotic Quest LootBox contains her original 8-bit professor’s mortarboard.

  I blink, confused, but Pepper seems ecstatic. “Oh goody! I missed this!” She pops the mortarboard on her head and the pixelated square turns into a proper graduation-day hat, complete with a yellow tassel that counterpoints the red of her bow tie.

  

  PhDelusion

  This isn’t just a hat, it’s student debt with a buff. Grants the wearer Psyche +5 as long as it is equipped as your only headgear. You might look like a dork, but maybe someone will date you for the money. Just kidding, there’s no money in a philosophy degree. You’ll die alone.

  So LootBoxes are customized to the recipient. Not only is it Pepper’s original hat, but it’s the perfect buff for her Mesmer Class. That’s interesting. And useful. Pep saved my ass more than once so far. Any power-up for her is a power-up for me, at least until she gets co-opted by someone else. Besides, I’m starting to enjoy having Cabbage Patch around. She’s mindless, ridiculously chipper, and blindingly naive, but being with her is better than being alone in this nightmare.

  Perfect. I make a friend for the first time since Molly died and it’s not even a real person. “Open yours, open yours!”

  “Yeah, okay.” I open my Skin-to-Win box, but I only get 1 Epic Skin Upgrade. I look deeper into the box and I’m surprised by what I find. It’s a pair of white and red sneakers. The sneakers.

  

  1985 Nike Air Jordans

  The basketball shoes that cost Michael Jordan $5000 a game to wear before the NBA were forced to change their uniform rules, the Air Jordans are a cultural milestone, the bridge between sport and street that singlehandedly created sneaker culture. You wanna be like Mike? Now you are!

  Jump +5 | Speed +3

  Increases Hangtime x3 if you stick your tongue out.

  “Sweet!” I kick off my moldy leather boots and slip the Jordans onto my feet. They automatically lace themselves. The new shoes feel like magic pillows. I flex my ankles and jump into the air high enough to touch a basketball rim. I stick my tongue out, hang in the air, and imagine dunking on Charles Barkley.

  “Oh fun!” Pepper claps. “Do it again!”

  Eager, I pop open my Exotic Quest Box, expecting something fantastic. But LootBoxes can be customized, and the AI isn’t very happy with me right now.

  

  YOLO Yo-Yo

  You Only Loop Once. The YOLO automatically returns to your hand no matter what, and the trick string can be increased up to 100 yards, so you can yo-yo off a skyscraper. Forged from 99.9% pure platinum, this yo-yo costs more than a San Francisco apartment but does absolutely nothing except impress other idiots who can’t afford one. It doesn’t increase damage, it doesn’t boost Charisma, it doesn’t do diddley-squat. It just shows you’re rich enough not to care about things like staying alive. Value: 1,000,000 gold.

  Well that sucks. The AI decided to give me an utterly useless item; even if I somehow manage to sell it, it’s still worthless. RiftBorn is more pissed at me than I thought.

  Good.

  I’ve got my Jordans, my Hydraskin, my Shellshock shield, and I’m a hair’s breadth from hitting Level 4. Plus I’ve got a sidekick who can stop enemies cold and is virtually guaranteed to keep the cancer off my ass even if I don’t do any shuck-and-jive. Just standing next to Pepper is enough to earn me a few HypePoints.

  It could be worse.

  If only I had a weapon.

  The M1 Garand rifle is useless without ammo, and the bayonet isn’t going to kill many monsters. If only the MacHack could create weapons, I could—

  Wait. My MacGyver skills can’t make weapons, but my A-Team skills might. They used to build tanks and flamethrowers and mortars during the musical montage, why can’t I? All I need is a team to help me…

  “Pep! We’re friends, aren’t we?” It might be a good idea to reinforce our little party of two. The Trainwreck Bros all but offered her to join them. Sooner or later, she’s going to get smart enough to leave me, but I’m going to keep her around as long as I can. “We’re… a team, right?”

  “Yes! You’re the best, Dave! We should have a team name!” Her chalkboard pops up: Party: Unnamed. 1) DDD 2) PEPPER “What should we call ourselves?”

  “I don’t know, Cabbage Patch. What do you think?”

  “It should be a math name! Like Clever Calculators! Or The Addventurers!”

  Okay, maybe there’s a compromise here. An idea hits me. I chuckle and type it in.

  

  New Party Name! Pi Hard

  “Ohh I love it!” Pepper claps. “Yaay!”

  “Then give me a hand with this. I want to try another A-Team build, like when we made the Trebuchet Me, Bro, but I need you on my team. Are you with me?”

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  Pepper takes off her bow-tie and straps it around her head like Rambo. “I’m B.A. Barbackous!” The A-Team theme song strikes up before I activate the skill; Pepper’s already ahead of me. I see her MemeQueen skill flash, and notice a few fly-drones gather round, watching us. “Let’s make a plan come together!”

  Now if I can just figure out something to build. Other than Boaty MacBoatface, the heaviest thing I’ve got in my inventory is a rusted frying pan I found. The most dangerous thing I’ve got is the stick of dynamite from the Magazine bunker. I’m not sure that helps. If I combine them, all I’m going to get is a frying pan that explodes in my hand when I hit something. And Improvised Gizmos like to build from threes. I look through my inventory, but I’ve got nothing else that would make for a good weapon, just some bits of junk the Trainwreck Bros left in my inventory. I scroll through my meager possessions and my eyes land on the YOLO Yo-Yo. I smile.

  “They want to give me worthless? I’ll show them what I can do with worthless.” I take the yo-yo, attach it to the panhandle, then smack the stick of dynamite onto the cast iron. I trigger my Tactical Montage skill, and the A-Team theme song fires up anew. By the time the music ends, I’m holding a brand-new creation.

  

  Kaboomerang

  One part kitchenware, one part explosive, one badass recipe for disaster, the Kaboomerang is a culinary weapon of mass distraction. Throw it like a skillet from hell, watch it explode on impact, and—if you survive the recoil—catch it on the return trip. It’s like Thor’s hammer got busy with Granny Clampett and gave birth to a kitchen implement that's perfect for cooking your enemies medium-rare. Damage: Class 2

  Special Ability: Return to Cinder

  10% chance the Kaboomerang arcs back through the blast radius to hit survivors twice!

  My weapon just cost me a million gold… and it’s totally worth it.

  I’m aware the vid-flies are watching, waiting for a capper to Pepper’s post, and for once I’m in the mood to give them one. I hurl the Kaboomerang at a nearby rock, hoping the weapon is as awesome as it sounds. The frying pan shoots out of my hand like a cast-iron discus with a handle, trailing the yo-yo string behind it. It strikes the rock and explodes with a satisfying boom! It’s not a big explosion, but it's enough to break off the top of the rock and send it spinning into the air. The string, which is somehow built into my wrist like Spider-Man, retracts with a zzzip and I catch the fry pan in my fist.

  

  ? “TNT” — AC/DC (1975) ?

  Pepper’s MemeQueen music gives the clip a soundtrack while I watch the cast-iron pan smoke in my hand. As I do, I see one of the drone-flies zoom in for a close-up. For once, I don’t mind performing for the camera as I grin and quote my favorite line from Evil Dead 2. “Groovy.”

  The world flashes as the clip is auto-tagged #RiftBorn #Kaboomerang #Groovy. My HUD flashes HypeScore +?750.

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Everyone is Special!

  Please reserve your showmanship for when you are with a RiftElite party. Remember: you’re here to make them look good, not grandstand alone. Don’t hog the spotlight!

  Yeah, I’m really under their skin now.

  “Help!” I hear from the treeline beyond the hot springs. “Help us!!”

  “Oh no!” Pepper shouts. “Someone’s in trouble.”

  I don’t care. But for once, I’m not worried that I’m going to die. And it’s the first time I’ve felt like that in a long, long time.

  I hustle into the jungle after Pepper. I break through the underbrush to discover two people trying to drag a third out of the ground, where he’s buried to the neck like a kid at the beach.

  “I’ll help you!” Pepper runs toward him and sloshes to a stop as her feet disappear into the dirt, sinking.

  Quicksand.

  I have to admit, this is awesome. When I was a kid, the quicksand in Pitfall! was about the most terrifying death in the world, other than maybe being crushed in a trash compactor. I quickly find the edge and drag Pepper out of the muck.

  “Help us!” yells one of the figures attempting a rescue.

  “Yes, help us!” yells the other. For a minute I think I’m seeing double, and I am. The rescuers are identical twins, both four feet tall. Mismatched goggles are pushed up over slightly pointed ears, and their smiles show sharp teeth. Dressed in matching costumes made of clashing colors, the pair are covered in pockets that seem like they're hiding something. They’re like a goblin version of Pokémon's Team Rocket, if Team Rocket carried prison shivs. They both have the same name, a single ampersand.

  

  & lvl 4 (LL)

  Race: Riftling | Class: Chaos Gremlin

  & lvl 4 (LL)

  Race: Riftling | Class: Chaos Gremlin

  They’re both marked with the LivingLegend logo. Real people. And they sound like… kids.

  Ampersand Left shouts in a cracking voice, “Thank God you’re here…”

  “...DDD! You can save him!” Shouts Ampersand Right. They both look at me expectantly.

  “Uh… yeah…” I pop out my rope and throw one end to the guy in the quicksand. “Grab this!” The twins join me in pulling him to the land. “Nice work, DDD!” “Yeah, you’re awesome DDD!”

  The whole thing sounds scripted, and the twins aren’t good actors. As we reel in the quicksand guy, I recognize him from the RiftElite Top 10 Leaderboard.

  

  Player: Arrogorn lvl9 Ranger

  Race: Dúnadan | Swordplay +15

  RiftElite Battle Pass Member | Gametime: 91.3 hours

  Respawn Rangers Team Leader

  EmpathyEngine?: Hubba Hubba!

  Another new boss! Isn’t he wonderful? Maybe you should tell him. Tell him you love him. Those eyes! So smouldering...

  Arrogorn strides from the quicksand, dripping wet and handsome, his hair moistened perfection, his stubble designed by professionals. The guy’s a clone of Vigo Mortenson, but Vigo seems like the kind of guy who would spell Aragorn correctly. This clown is not.

  Ampersand & Ampersand feign relief. “Whoo! Thank God we were—”

  “—able to save you! We’re lucky that…” The kid glances at me, clearly forgetting my name.

  “...DDD!” His twin saves him. “And Pepper! Arrived just in time! Like we told you—”

  “---the more you pay, the longer you live!”

  Arrogorn’s power armor steams the quicksand sludge off. I take a look at his gear and realize that the Trainwreck Bros seem positively basic next to this guy. He’s in full paladin regalia with a sword that looks like it cost way more than a million gold. Handsome, his cloak billows in the breeze. “Eat a d§ck, brah. You dragged me out of some sludge, big deal.” Arrogorn storms into the jungle. “Where are you f§ckers at? Jason? Hey, you’re supposed to wait for me, guys!!”

  The twins wait until he’s gone, then shake their heads. “Dude thinks he’s main character.” The other nods. “NPC vibes. Mid as hell.”

  I face the twins. “You staged that. Why?”

  “Of course we staged it.”

  “Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, old man, you can’t leave your Drama Dial like that!” I feel the other twin grab something on my back and twist. My HUD flashes.

  

  Drama Dial?25%

  You can’t walk around on Meat Shield Mode!”

  “Got to reset your Dial when you switch parties, king, it’s the only time you can adjust it yourself.”

  Okay, these guys aren’t totally useless. Time to make some friends. “Hey, I’m Dave. Tallahassee. Where are you guys from?”

  “Minneapolis,” says one.

  “St. Paul,” says the other.

  The Twin Cities. These kids are screwing with me. Cute. “Why didn’t you just use your rope?”

  “Farm the fail, farm the views!”

  “Wait.” Pepper chimes in. “You led him into quicksand on purpose?”

  “Of course! The more they need us—”

  “—the more they pay us.” He slaps Pepper on the shoulder. “We got 200 HypePoints out of that bit, but now that Pepper the Party Penguin is here, we’re—”

  “—goated. That NyanCat dance party slapped, PP. Full skibidi.”

  “Full W.”

  “Full rizz.”

  “We boost your views—”

  “You boost ours.” He slaps my shoulder. “You game, Boomer?

  I stare at him. “What?”

  “Try to keep up, Grandpa.”

  He flicks something in his HUD and I see a GIF pop into the air. It’s an old man’s wrinkly ass with a four-inch plumber’s crack. His ragged pants are remarkably similar to mine. And he’s wearing Air Jordans.

  “G§ddammit, stop it!” I pull up my pants to cover my ass as the Doublemint Twins start cracking up. I see the GIF of my ass whizz off into the air with #BonyButt #DDDlicious #AssAssinCreed.

  The twins' laughter infects Pepper and in a second they’re all laughing at me. Pepper giggles, her face red. “Ha! Your patootie is funny!”

  The Ampersand Twins lead us up over a rise to reveal a gigantic bay below. Eight players, all labeled Respawn Rangers, are loading a pirate ship, ready to make sail. The ship is gigantic, insane, and made of metal, an ironclad battleship.

  

  Juggernutz lvl7 Vessel

  Dream Destroyer [Respawn Rangers]

  Forged not from wood but hammered iron and riveted steel, the Juggernutz is a galleon carved by blacksmiths instead of shipwrights — its rust-dark hull a fortress of cannon ports the size of barn doors. Its prow is a massive iron skull, teeth bared for ramming speed. Every inch of it says Overkill. A pirate ship built in the wrong century, the Juggernutz is not a vessel. It’s a verdict.

  “Stackin’ bags and cookin’ checks!” The Chaos Gremlins grin like lunatics. “Let’s boat!!”