Pepper is still screaming in my ear as we plummet toward the jungle. I see a flash in my HUD.
Fall Distance: 1125↑m
Badge Unlocked! Wile E. Coyote
Congratulations! You are the new recordholder for longest fall! XP Bonus +10% for as long as you maintain the record. Sorry you’re about to die, but cheer up, you’ll be remembered as a legend for at least an hour!
Screw this. I’m not losing another heart. Not like this. Video games just kill you automatically once you’ve fallen too far to survive the splat. I remember that from Tomb Raider. So if I’m still alive…
There has to be a way.
I dig through my inventory, the flaming barrel staves, the hunks of flaming horseshit, one very confused chicken, and find what I’m looking for.
I pop it out of the inventory and grab it with both hands, letting it fly out above me.
Both gigantic cups of the gigantic bra fill with air as it turns into two massive half-balloons.
Glide Mode Activated
Over the Shoulder Boulder Floater
Heh. I’ve got a bra-glider. I wonder if I can change the name to DDD-celerator. Either way, our descent slows. Pepper stops screaming and looks up at the lacy pink bra, her eyes wide. “Oh, thank you, mommy!” She hugs me.
“I’m not your mommy, Cabbage Patch.”
“No.” The penguin hugs me tight around the neck until I’m almost choking. “You’re my hero.”
“Stop it. I have to steer this thing.”
The Over the Shoulder Boulder Floater is remarkably nimble for a ladies’ undergarment, and we swoop and glide our way above the jungle like it’s the easiest thing in the world. I see a waterfall that must be two hundred feet high with a big clearing at the bottom, so I aim for that. I find I’m almost enjoying myself as we fall past the waterfall and hear another detonation from somewhere inside the city we left behind.
I got you bitches. Burn in digital hell.
Pepper climbs on my back to get a better view of the waterfall. “Oo, look at th—”
She falls.
“Pep!” I grab for her but it’s too late. Wide-eyed, Pepper falls away from me toward the ground, screaming. “Ahhhhhh—”
She falls toward the trees, then suddenly blips out of existence.
What the–
“—ahhhhhh—” I hear her scream above me and look up just as she rematerializes inside one of the giant bra cups and falls right toward me. I snatch out a hand and grab her before she falls past. “—ahhhero!” She wraps her flippers around my head, holding on for dear life.
I squint at her with a flipper in my eye. “How did you do that?”
“I don’t know!”
I catch a glimpse of her chalkboard right before it winks out. Ketchup Protocol Activated.
It’s an old joke from Pulp Fiction. What does a Papa tomato say to a baby tomato who’s falling behind? Ketchup.
That’s how Pepper was able to keep up with me in Trader’s Point. She’s a two-foot-tall penguin that moves like a Weeble-Wobble; there’s no way for her to keep pace with a six-foot human. When she falls behind, the game just jumps her forward to wherever I am.
That’s interesting and might come in handy at some point. I’m tempted to drop her again to get a better idea of range, but she’s clutching onto my head, saying “My hero, my hero, my hero,” over and over. Dropping her would be rude, even though she doesn’t exist. Besides, it’s kind of nice feeling like I can protect somebody for a change.
We hit the ground as gently as a falling feather.
Badge Unlocked! Genghis Gone
Congratulations! You obliterated an entire town! Trader’s Point has been permanently removed from local topology, and you were partially responsible! Nice work, Eisenhower! You will be given partial credit for everyone killed in your little pirate pogrom. Feel like a big man now?
Murder Points! 1972XP (+10% Wyle E. Coyote) | 756,231* gold
Obliteration Treasure: You blew it up, G§d damn you! You blew it all to hell!
*All One-Eyed Willie Bonuses now appear in your total
LEVEL UP!
Congratulations! You reached a new level of excellence! You are now Hermit: Level 3
Health Bar Capacity +10%
Stamina +2
Psyche +1
Agility +1
Forage/Scrounge +2
Skill Tree Advancement
Hey You Guys +25%
Evade +5
New Hermit Bonus!
You spend a lot of time alone; you need something to keep the darkness at bay. They say music soothes the savage beast, so you now have a free RiftBeatz unlimited music account to augment your quiet time. Enjoy!
The opening yacht-rock drums of Toto’s “Africa” fill the jungle around me, and suddenly the jungle is a calm oasis in the middle of all the chaos.
“Oh, that is nice,” chirps Pepper. She waddles over to the pool, slides on her belly into the water, and re-emerges, spitting water like a fountain. “This is so much better than explosions! Come swim!”
I ignore her, glancing back toward Trader’s Point where I half-expect gunships or dragons or some cockamamie thing coming to attack us, but there’s nothing but blue sky. I feel something move in my inventory. The chicken I picked up on the clothesline is at 17% Health and dropping. Apparently I can’t keep living things in my inventory long. I let it out and it runs into the jungle with a ba-kawk!
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“I’m hungry!” Pepper dives into the water and comes up with a fish. “Do you want some food?”
“No.”
Another alert comes up, one I have not seen before.
HypeScore: +?1100
Skin-to-Win! Cosmetic lvl2
You have earned an image upgrade! Please select one area of your Skin to improve. This cannot be changed.
The Hermit image from my Character Profile pops up. The Cosmetic highlights different areas of my body, showing potential improvements like a bigger chest, rippling biceps, or calves that didn’t skip leg day. It also offers an option for a bigger bulge in my crotch. I see the Sailor Man anchor tattoo on my arm, but I’m not sure if I lose the Strength bonus if I cover it up.
“Ooo! I have a bunch of thingees in my thingy!” Pepper squeaks.
“What?”
“My dashboard thingy!”
“HUD.” I see Buck Granger’s smiling face for a moment. “It’s called a HUD.”
“Okay, my HUD has all kinds of alerts! Mesmerist Level 2! And MemeQueen and Meat Missile and… ooo! I think I can make us a really good lunch! Do you want lunch?”
“No.” All I can think about is Buckley Granger on the ground, dead. That final notification: Deleted from Memory.
Well, I remember him.
“We don’t need to eat, Cabbage Patch. It’s a video game.”
“But my Hunger bar is in the red! And my tummy has the grumblies!”
“What are you talking about, Hunger bar? There’s no…” She pops her display on her chalkboard, and yes, she has a red bar that reads Starving: Vitality 5↓%. It’s almost exhausted. What the hell? I don’t have one of those. I check my own menu and find nothing until I flick aside my Health bar and discover that yes, I do have a Vitality bar hidden behind it. My Vitality is pure green. 100%.
Right. One of my Hermit skills: Immune to Hunger. I never even thought about food. I haven’t eaten anything since I arrived in the game. I suppose I don’t need any in-game grub, HumanAsset is probably keeping me alive through one of those percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tubes where they just dump nutro-sludge directly into your gut.
I haven’t slept since I got here either. It’s been at least a day since they plugged me in. They’ve got me online 24/7, a good little worker bee that doesn’t need to eat or sleep.
Two more things HumanAsset has stolen from me.
“Mister McClain.” I recognize the voice behind me. A chill runs down my spine. “We need to talk.”
I turn to find Bill O’Cavity’s prissy face staring down at me. I recognize his piggy eyes behind those holospecs, that bored expression on his face. His body, however, has been replaced by a ten-foot mecha-droid that looks like a mix of that cargo robot from Aliens and a Gundam cartoon. He looks ridiculous, a pinch-faced little weasel driving a tank body.
Pepper scrams and dives into the water, terrified of the giant robot.
I hurl a rock at him. It smacks him in the face and the screen shatters. “You killed him!” My crowbar is gone; I have no real weapons, so I hurl another rock. “You f§cking killed him!”
“This is pointless, Mr. McClain.” A new screen replaces the cracked one. “This is my in-game avatar, there is nothing you can do to hurt m—” Another rock shatters his new faceplate.
“You set us up to lose!” I shout. “You dumped us in a game we have no hope of winning!”
“Mr. McClain.”
I shove a finger in the direction of Trader’s Point. “They gunned him down like a dog! Worse than a dog! And you let them!”
“Are you finished?”
“Not even close, you pig-faced motherf§cker!”
O’Cavity sighs. “Mr. Granger was given an opportunity to be profitable, to work off his debt. He was unsuccessful in that endeavor. I am concerned you are following a similar path.” His mecha-body looms over me. “This is a very simple assignment, Mr. McClain. You are here to engage with the players and entertain them. When you have suggested dialogue, stick to the script. Be helpful. Be engaging. Be… a friend.”
“A friend?! These psychopaths don’t want a friend, they just want to kill everyone!”
“And what I want…” O’Cavity adjusts his glasses inside the screen. “Is a consistent profit driver for HumanAsset.” He leans in. “User engagement. Hours played. New members. Viral videos. This is what I want.”
I hurl another rock and break the screen again. “Do you f§ckers at HumanAsset not have enough already?”
“Hmh.” O’Cavity grins sharp teeth. “I believe your generation coined the phrase, Mr. McClan. ‘Too much is never enough.”
“That was Billy Idol on MTV.”
“Flesh for Fantasy.” O’Cavity checks the datapad in his robot hand. “You already suffered a significant addition to your medical debt with your… unfortunate attempt to reveal your true nature to our players.” He shakes his head like a disappointed mother. “You signed a confidentiality agreement within the ToS. I trust that you understand your next breach of contract will be significantly more uncomfortable.”
I remember the Icebox. The paralysis, the pain in my body, like I had been dropped in acid. “You want me to be a good little boy.”
“I do.” O’Cavity spreads his robot claws. “The other LivingLegends are performing well so far, doing what they are told, joining parties, helping players on quests, providing entertainment.”
“Yeah. Dance monkey dance.”
“The only benefit you have provided so far… is this.” He turns his datapad toward me, and I see myself on top of Dirty Duke’s tower, strapped into the Trebuchet Me, Bro. In the video, Pepper turns to me and yells, “Don’t die, Dave!” as we are suddenly hurled into the air. The camera switches to another angle from one of those fly-drone cameras as Trader’s Point detonates beneath us, a shot good enough for a Michael Bay movie, all crazy angles and explosions. Pepper and I both scream as the clouds light up behind us with the RiftBorn logo. The video loops back to the beginning, and we’re back into the trebuchet. “Don’t die, Dave!” We launch, and the explosions begin anew. O’Cavity smiles and nods. “It’s one of our most popular launch-day promotions on RiftTok. A bit of YouTube, some Insta. Based on early traffic, this should see half a million views by the end of the day. Not top-tier numbers, but a good start.”
“You filmed that?”
“Of course we did. Engagement. New Members. Viral videos.” O’Cavity’s grin becomes predatory. “The name of the game is performance-based healthcare.” He tucks the datapad into a slot in his robot chest like a lawyer putting away a business card. “I do not like bad investments, Mr. McClain. You have bought yourself a stay of execution with this video, but you will start engaging with the players. Now.” He flips his hand and I see part of my HUD light up, a tab that’s never been used before.
LivingLegend Party Invites: 71
Following it is a list of timestamps, bids, and a slew of party names like Team Friendly Fire, CTRL+ALT+Delinquents, and Press F to Party. “You have free will. We cannot make you choose.” O’Cavity gestures at the invites. “You can pick any request you want. But pick one, Mr. McClain. And get to work.”
I resist the urge to throw another rock. “Or I’ll wind up like Buck.”
“Not right away. Mr. Granger was on life support. You’ll go through the Placebo Protocols. But, of course, you won’t be conscious for those, so it will all be the same to you.” I hear something shift, followed by a loud, dull scratching sound, like when a TV reporter accidentally brushes against their microphone. “Just out of curiosity, can you feel that?”
“Feel what? Ahh!” I flinch as something tickles my foot. My leg jerks away involuntarily, but there’s nothing beneath my bare feet but jungle grass. “What the hell?”
“Ah,” O’Cavity giggles like a little girl. “So you can.”
“What was that?”
“Me.” O’Cavity smiles. “I tickled your foot. Your actual human foot.”
The world cracks apart.
The jungle splits in half like a wound in the fabric of space-time. Beyond, I see a white light, almost like heaven. Then I realize it’s my hospital room at HumanAsset. Somewhere far, far away, far as the horizon, I can see my own feet, lying at the end of my hospital bed.
O’Cavity is holding my eyelids open with two fingers. His face fills the void, gigantic, terrifying, like a four-eyed pagan god. “I wasn’t sure that would work. Kinda cool, huh?”
“Go f§ck yourself, O’Cavity.”
“You owe us six million dollars, David. Time to go to work.”
He drops my eyelid shut. The rift in the universe snaps closed as if it had never been. O’Cavity’s mech suit, too, is gone, leaving nothing but the jungles and waterfalls of RiftBorn. Toto’s “Africa” drones on in the background.
Pepper’s eyes peep above the pool, staring at the spot where the hole in the universe just closed, agog. She creeps out of the water, terrified that O’Cavity might come back. “What was that thing, Dave?” She places a flipper over her heart, scared. “It looked like the devil.”
“That’s not the devil, Cabbage Patch.” I throw my rock into the pool. “Just his billing department.”
So that’s it. I’m stuck in here. No food, no sleep, no chance of fighting back. The perfect slave. I get a queasy feeling in my gut as I check the horizon and see the RiftStorm coming.
19 Days, 19 hours until RiftStorm destroys the world.
“Well, what are we going to do now?” Pepper tilts her head.
I glance at the Skin-to-Win Upgrade in my HUD. I flick through the options and click on the old gray hermit beard. I remove it from my face and dump it in the trash. What’s underneath looks almost like my old self, only angrier.
Much, much angrier.
“We’re going to play to win.”