"The other stuff," Nexxali pressed, leaning closer. Her voice took on more layers of compulsion. "Describe it."

  Front mind: Must tell her everything about everything! She's perfect!

  Back mind: Give her useless details. Waste her time.

  "There was a black car! Very shiny! And sounds! Definitely sounds! Like... whoosh sounds? And then… thump sounds! Oh, and I saw something that might have been a really big dog? Or maybe a bear? It's hard to tell as I am distracted thinking about how lonely I am without a lovely catgirl Marshal in my life!"

  “Seems like your Charmchain voice is working too well on this useless idiot," the tiger said.

  "I'm not useless!" I protested. "I can... I can do things! I know Python and JavaScript! And uhh… Vibe coding! Do you need any websites? I'll code you the most beautiful website that will work half the time!"

  Nexxali's eye twitched. "Where. Did. The. Vampire. Go?"

  "Probably somewhere less amazing than here because you're not there!" I said. "Your eyes are like golden coins! No, golden suns! No, golden... what's golden and perfect? Honey? You have honey eyes! I’d like to drown myself in them and lick you up all…"

  "Should I hit him?" the tiger asked. "Sometimes physical trauma helps them focus."

  "Please hit me, Lady Marshal!" I exclaimed. "Being hit by you would be an honor! I’ll take a photo of the bruise and frame it and then tell my grandchildren! Well, I would if I had any, but maybe we could—"

  "ENOUGH!" Nexxali snarled, then immediately composed herself. "Listen very carefully, darling human. I need you to think about what you saw. The vampire from that car. Where is it? Which direction?"

  "Every direction leads away from you and that's tragic!" I wailed. "But if I had to guess... that way?" I pointed vaguely North, away from where Shady and North had actually gone. "I'm bad with directions! Some mornings I wonder if I need GPS to find my own bathroom!"

  The panther was thoroughly sniffing the porch. "There's also… a Wendigo scent mixed in. Very fresh."

  My worries intensified but I kept the performance going. "Wendigo? Is that your friend? Can I meet them? I want to meet all your friends! We could have a jacuzzi party! I don’t have a jacuzzi, but I would totally install one for you and all of your lovely friends!"

  "A Wendigo was here?" Nexxali's voice sharpened, losing some of its honeyed quality. "When?"

  "When doesn't matter because now is all that matters and you're here now!" I grabbed her black-gloved hand, extra committed to the bit. "Your paw pads are so soft! Like velvet! Black velvet!"

  The tiger chortled. "This is painful to watch."

  “Nobody asked for your opinion,” Nexxali growled. “Do your job and keep an eye out for threats. The vampire could still be around here.”

  "The Wendigo and vampire scents are very recent," the panther reported. "But there's something off about the Wendigo though. She’s… scrambled. Like static. No skill echoes. Can't really tell who it was."

  "Check inside the house," Nexxali ordered.

  "No, wait!" I stepped in front of the door. "You can't go in there! It's... it's messy! I haven't cleaned! There are dishes in the sink! You'll judge me! At least ask me out, before barging into my bachelor abode!"

  "Move, human," the tiger growled.

  "But what if you see my embarrassing DVD collection? I have all the seasons of Mythbusters! That's not sexy at all!"

  "Step. Aside. Darling." Nexxali purred.

  Front mind: Must obey the perfect cat lady in leather!

  Back mind: Shit, they'll find evidence of Shady literally everywhere. That’s bad, right? I need to spin this somehow.

  I stepped aside with an exaggerated bow. "Only because you asked so beautifully! Your voice could make me jump off a cliff!"

  "Don't tempt me," she muttered.

  The tiger and panther entered my house first. Then the Marshal and I stepped in.

  I heard them moving through rooms, opening drawers, probably finding pasta sauce on the walls from Shady's enthusiastic eating.

  "Kitchen's a disaster," the tiger called out. "Looks like someone had a food fight with themselves."

  "Wendigo scent is stronger here," the panther reported. "All over the upstairs bathroom. And... crystalloid scent too. They were both here."

  Nexxali studied me with golden eyes. "A Wendigo and a vampire in your house, and you claim to remember nothing useful?"

  "The only thing I want to remember is this exact moment with you!" I said. "Your interrogation technique is flawless! The way you ask questions! So commanding yet elegant! You make my mouth extra eloquent! I’m not usually this chatty or complimentative!"

  "He's either extra susceptible or he's having a stroke," the panther commented, sniffing me as she passed by me.

  "Why not both?" the tiger suggested. "Could be having a partial brain stroke FROM the Charm."

  "I'll stroke whatever you want!" I gushed. "I mean... I know how to pet cats! I'm very good at chin scratches! You three are like space cat girls, right?"

  Nexxali’s eye twitched.

  "The vampire was chained to a chair," the panther reported. "I think.”

  "So the Wendigo captured the vampire," Nexxali mused. "Interesting."

  "Interesting like your stripes!" I pointed at the serval's spots. "Wait, you have spots too. Interesting like your spots! Each one is so unique! I want to count them all, all day, everyday!"

  "Nexy, please make him stop," the tiger begged.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

  Nexxali grabbed my chin, forcing me to look directly into her eyes. Her voice became pure concentrated command. "Tell me about the Wendigo."

  Front mind: TELL HER EVERYTHING!

  Back mind: Deflect, deflect, deflect harder!

  "The Wendigo of my heart is you!" I declared. "Metaphorically! You've invaded my soul like a cryptid of love! Your commanding presence haunts me better than any ghost!"

  She released my chin with a frown. "Useless. Completely useless."

  "I'm not useless! I can be useful! I can... I can carry your things! I can be your butler! Your manservant! Your devoted—"

  "Check around the house perimeter. Look for exit trails."

  "Yes! Walk around my house!" I followed them eagerly as they moved. "I can give you a tour! That's where many roses used to grow before they died! Like my heart before you arrived! And over there’s the oak tree that leans over the cliff! Very romantic! We could watch sunsets there and carve our names into the bark!"

  The tiger and panther spread out, examining the ground while Nexxali studied me with golden, slitted eyes.

  "The Wendigo scent is... strange," the panther called from near the side door Shady had burst through. "Female. Powerful. But mixed with something else."

  "Mixed with passion!" I declared. "Just like my feelings for you!”

  “Human, focus! Tell me about the Wendigo, damn it! Who was here with you?”

  “What’s a Wendigo?” I asked. “Please describe this mythical creature just in case your definition of it varies from mine so that we can meet mentally halfway and then make sweet, sweet mental…”

  “Black fur, black claws, large antlers, seven feet long,” Nexxali ground out.

  “Ah! AH!… Yes, a lady just like that visited me earlier,” I finally arrived at a most dastardly plot twist. “Very tall. Very intense. Kind of scary but in a hot way? Nothing like you though! You're scary in the best way!"

  Nexxali's ears perked. "Describe her."

  "She was..." I gestured vaguely upward. "Big? Like really big? Seven feet of 'oh god what's happening?' She just appeared in my bedroom! Can you believe that? I was trying to sleep and suddenly BAM! Giant naked furry woman! I totally dropped my tablet!"

  "A Wendigo appeared in your bedroom?" Nexxali's voice sharpened.

  "I don't know what she was but she was very... aggressive?" I said, fidgeting. "Not aggressive like you! You're perfectly aggressive! She was weird aggressive! Kept saying… stuff I probably shouldn't repeat in front of such a refined company of lovely cat ladies!"

  The three pradavarians exchanged glances.

  "Boss," the panther said slowly, "the scent patterns in that bathroom... I think that they're consistent with mating pheromones. It smells of… desire."

  "WHAT?" Nexxali turned to stare at me.

  "Oh! She was very forward!" I continued, adding more bricks to my story house. "Grabbed me and everything! Said something about me being... adequate? I think? It was hard to focus because she had these antlers and this intense energy and she kept talking about having fun with me—"

  "A Frontenachii tried to sleep with you?" Nexxali interrupted.

  "I don't know what she tried to do but it involved a lot of grabbing!" I showed them my bruised wrists. "See? She was not gentle! Not like you would be! You'd be perfectly gentle! Or rough! Whatever you prefer!"

  The panther sniffed my wrists. "These are definitely Wendigo claw marks."

  Nexxali made a bothered noise, ears twitching downward.

  "Oh! That's when the car showed up!" I pressed on like a steamroller. "Black car, very swank and vintage! A Paccard! And these people got out but they weren't really people? They were all wrong! Like mannequins! And the tall lady got VERY upset about her fun time with me being interrupted!"

  "The thralls," the panther muttered.

  "She went through my side door without using the handle like normal people and destroyed them!" I gestured wildly. "It was horrible! Pieces everywhere! Black goo! She was so fast! And strong! And then she started screaming about the vampires ruining everything! She was very upset! Then she grabbed the one that wasn't a mannequin and was very mad! A lot of snarling and swearing about the Slayer this, and Astral Abyss that!"

  I inhaled.

  "But then the mountain exploded!" I pointed toward the burning Mount Olympus. "And she just... left, carrying the chair-tied vampire with her! Ran into the yard, boarded this uhhh… black flying motorcycle thing and… ZOOM into the sky! Didn't even say goodbye! Very rude! You wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, would you oh Captain of my heart?"

  I made the front of my mind visualize a glider similar to the one that Linari was using, a blurry Wendigo carrying a vampire boarding it and taking off into the sky.

  The three pradavarians looked at each other.

  “He saw the Wendigo take the vampire and use a glider to leave,” the panther said.

  Nexxali twitched again, hands opening and closing. "This Wendigo. Did she identify herself? Picture her in your mind, human.”

  I pictured the Admiral in my mind.

  The panther gasped.

  “Nadera, what did he see?” Nexxali demanded.

  “The Admiral… the Admiral tried to… sleep with this human,” Nadera let out, eyes wide. “She must have used an artifact to scramble her scent, but he’s definitely seeing her face, hearing her voice!”

  “WHAT?!” Nexxali barked, large ears tilting back. "The Admiral would never—" She started, then stopped. Her tail went rigid. "Fuck. That hypocritical, sanctimonious, human-hating beerch. She gives us endless lectures about maintaining distance from the primitives while she's down here getting her rocks off?"

  The panther and tiger shifted uncomfortably.

  "EVERYONE FREEZE!" Nexxali suddenly barked, her voice carrying an edge of pure, absolute command that made my heart stutter.

  Her two minions instantly went rigid, their bodies locking in place mid-breath. Their eyes glazed over, staring at nothing. The front of my mind froze. I pretended to freeze too.

  She tapped her crystalline ring. “Corpse Seeker 881-Zeta, master command override Nexxali-Alpha-Seven-Seven-Seven. Disconnect from the Weapon-Net. Run self diagnostic and suspend all primary functions until further notice.”

  Then she turned to the two paralyzed prads, staring at the large guns on their sides.

  "Units Erca, Vexa, master command override Nexxali-Alpha-Seven-Seven-Seven," she said. “Disconnect yourselves from the Weapon-Net, and go vaporize the vampire blood outside. Clean the car the vampires were in and then clean this entire house of any Crystalloid, Wendigo, pradavarian and human scents, hairs, body fluids and Astral imprints.”

  “Aknowledged!” The two guns spoke, unfolding into large long-limbed spiders and skittering away from their owners, heading outside.

  "Nadera, Zyra, you will forget the last ten minutes," Nexxali continued, looking at the pair of prad cats. "The vampire thrall trail led us up the road across town but eventually… became too degraded to pursue. Two of you got out to sniff the forest and then there was the sound of gunshots."

  The feline prads nodded mechanically.

  Nexxali stepped behind her minions and pulled out her sidearm. A simple-looking, square, dark handgun without red eyes. She pointed it at Nadera’s head from behind and pulled the trigger. Nadera’s head detonated, spraying my den with blood. Then she executed Zyra in the same manner. Two dead pradavarian bodies crumpled to the floor.

  I strategically maintained my ‘freeze’ position like a child that was playing the world’s most horrifying Freeze Tag game.

  Nexxali slumped down onto my couch, legs crossed, massaging her temples with a deep growl.

  "So sick of this shit," she muttered. "Sick of cleaning up Highborn messes. 'Oh Nexxali, make sure nobody finds out about my little indiscretion.' 'Oh Nexxali, eliminate the witnesses.' 'Oh Nexxali, your voice is so useful for making issues disappear.'"

  She pulled out a flask from her uniform, taking a long drink. "So many years of this. Decades of covering up for those antlered fucks. 'Oh, but we're so above the primitive species,'" she mimicked in a pompous voice. "'We would never lower ourselves to their level.' Hypocritical, horny beerches, every last one of them!" She lamented to herself and chugged more from her flask, eyes glazing over slightly. She burped loudly.

  Then she chugged some more and rubbed her face tiredly. "And now the Admiral herself? The one who constantly demotes subordinates for 'fraternizing?' The one who gives everyone endless lectures about racial purity? Fucking typical!"

  She finished whatever was in her flask and then her golden, somewhat blearly-looking eyes suddenly snapped to me. “Shit. The human witness. Gotta get rid of you too.”

  She aimed her sidearm directly at my head, black gloved finger sliding to the trigger.

  Welp, I set myself up for this one. Good job, Emperor.