I disconnected the call and pulled off the snowboarding goggles and asbestos 3M mask from my sweaty face, turning off the voice modulator app on the tablet.

  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

  I'd just claimed to be the Emperor of Earth to an alien invasion force and they seemed to believe my bullshit.

  It was then that I realized that in my nervous rambling I told them about penguins... In Arctica. Puffins! I should have said puffins!!!

  "Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere, idiot," I facepalmed Picard style.

  This is fine, they didn't notice shit. This probably wasn't going to backfire on me in some horrific future way.

  "BEEP! Emperor penguin! This is a... Southern Hemisphere idiot!" Shady announced from the couch, wearing the TV remote on her head like a tiny hat. She'd balanced it between her antlers, swaying back and forth with a loopy grin.

  "Not now, Shady," I muttered, rubbing my face.

  "Not now, Shady," she repeated in my voice, then added in the news anchor's panicked tone mixed with my latest words, "Breaking live news! This is an idiot!" She smooshed my face and licked my nose.

  My tablet buzzed with an incoming video call from Dax. I answered, my heart thrumming madly from the rush of adrenaline.

  "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Dax screamed through the speaker. "DID YOU JUST... DID YOU JUST CLAIM TO BE THE EMPEROR OF EARTH?!"

  "It worked, didn't it?" I said, leaning against the couch.

  "Ash, you just told an alien invasion force that you're the God-Emperor of Mankind! With a fucking voice modulator! And a fucking 3M asbestos mask!"

  "Yeah and they bought it," I protested. "I think. As I told you before, they can't tell fiction from reality. Their mind-reading pulls everything equally: movies, games, actual memories. It's all the same to them."

  "But the EMPEROR OF EARTH?! Really?”

  "Would you have preferred I claimed to be Superman or Batman? That’s just as culturally significant.”

  There was a pause. "Okay, fair point. But holy fuck, dude. You realize what you've done? You've just made yourself the primary target for an alien armada. Maybe me too, if they figure out how to trace the signal back to me. Fuck my life."

  I glanced at Shady, who had discovered she could stick bent spoons atop her antlers and was now bending more cutlery and decorating herself like a chandelier while making microwave beeping sounds.

  "BEEP! BEEP! This is Emperor idiot!" she announced proudly, a cascade of silverware jangling from her antlers.

  "Ash?" Dax asked. “Why is the fucking Alien princess in your house?”

  “She’s… visiting and she didn’t tell her family where she’s staying or why.” I let out, realizing how ridiculous I sounded.

  “You’ve an alien princess in your house… visiting you? Of all the people on Earth?”

  “Dude, it’s not like I invited her over.” I said. “She just came over and was like ‘I’m staying’."

  “Explain what the fuck is going on.”

  "It's a long story," I said, watching Shady attempt to balance a ladle on her nose. "Started when I was seven. Turns out my imaginary friend wasn't so imaginary."

  "Wait, wait, wait," Dax's voice crackled through the speaker. "You're telling me you've had an alien princess as a childhood friend and you never mentioned this to me?"

  "I was on antipsychotics for years because of it! My parents thought I was having delusions about a girl with antlers who lived in the woods and visited me occasionally over the course of three summers. It's one of the reasons most of my friends like you are online only.”

  "Hol' up... The weird dog videos with the floating pots… is that related?"

  "Yeah, that was her. She normally appears as a big black dog to most people, but the glamour is imperfect.”

  “Sheeeet.”

  "Apparently she owns me and my house because of a blood pact we've made as kids."

  "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet."

  “Can you still see and hear what’s going on through the drone?”

  "Yep. I’m parked near the palace in my van. Okay, so," Dax's voice came through slightly breathless, "the tall, dark, deer lady…”

  “Commander Sillicia,” I commented.

  “Yeah, Sillicia, she's holding my sister’s drone very carefully with those yuge claws. She's... wait, she's staring at the giant crystal centipede thing. Hold on, let me adjust the camera angle..."

  Dax swallowed.

  "Fuck me, this is surreal. Okay, I think she's having what looks like a full conversation with the crystal worm. No audio. She’s just staring at it silently, making faces and the thing’s innards are flashing different colors. Some kind of telepathy maybe? Oh shit, now there are those big wolf ladies gathering around too."

  “And?”

  "The commander lady looks... confused? Frustrated? Kinda hard to tell with the skull face. Her tail is doing this aggressive swishing thing."

  On my end, Shady had discovered that she could pull couch pillows off and started building a fort out of couch cushions, making doorbell sounds. "DING-DONG! Emperor circle! DING-DONG! This is a square!"

  “Uhh, Ash? Why is your alien princess friend making those sounds?”

  “She’s high,” I lied. “On some kind of alien drug. Going to be clear-headed in a week or two, I was told.”

  Dax made a befuddled noise.

  “What’s happening with Sillicia?” I asked.

  “Doesn’t look so mad anymore. Less murder-y, more... Pondery? Told the wolf ladies to follow her back inside. It's weird that the aliens speak English, yeah?”

  “Hrm. Yeah.” I considered how Shady spoke perfect English when we met. Perhaps English was also the official language of Omnithornia or something?

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

  "Wait, she's moving," Dax said. "Walking back toward the palace entrance with the drone. The wolves are following. The crystal centipede is... uncoiling? Yeah, it's moving away from the monument. That's good, right? That has to be good."

  "Maybe," I said.

  "Hold up, she's going inside the palace. The video feed is getting shaky. Okay, she's in some fancy room now. Lots of terrified Polish officials. She's... she's setting the drone down on a table. Very deliberately. Now she's backing away and... She’s tapping a crystal ring thingy on her index finger."

  "She wants to speak with you!" Dax said. “Told the drone that she wants to see the Emperor now.”

  “Right, I’ma hang up.”

  I quickly threw the mask and goggles back on, activated the voice modulator app, plugged headphones in and called the tablet Dax set up. Commander Sillicia's face filled the screen as she tapped the screen to accept the call, her expression unreadable.

  "Emperor of Earth," she began, her voice carrying a tone that suggested she was choosing her words very carefully. "Admiral Evelithria has... reviewed your claims."

  "And?" I asked.

  "The Admiral requires proof of the blood pact. The Princess's Astral signature is..." she paused, "Scrambled. Thus, we cannot verify your claim. The Admiral demands to speak with the Princess directly."

  I glanced at Shady, who had somehow gotten tangled in her own tail while trying to add a lamp to her cushion fort.

  "LAMP! This is an idiot square fort!" she announced.

  "The Princess…" I said as I retreated into the kitchen, "made it very clear that she doesn't wish to speak with her aunt."

  "Then we have a problem," Sillicia said. "Without verification, the Admiral is prepared to continue the search. More aggressively."

  “Do you really have enough centipedes and women to comb the entire planet? I don’t know what my liege did to scramble her Astral imprint. I cannot disobey her orders and reveal our current clandestine location to you.”

  “Our Scrutimancers will eventually pry your location from the brains of your ruling class, human!” Sillicia threatened.

  “Go ahead, waste your time and energy. The people under my rule are trained to think of me as a timeless, ageless legend. I’m aware of your inability to tell fiction from reality on my planet.” I hammered the lies harder. “The politicians and soldiers who serve me were well prepared for your arrival. Many of them read fictional books about me and play fictional games controlling fake armies pretending to fight fake alien invader armadas, so that if they’re mentally scanned by you, you won’t be able to discern fiction from truth, won’t be able to reveal my real plans versus made up game simulation campaigns!”

  I added a mental villainous laugh track.

  “You clever bastard,” Sillicia growled. “You’ve planned for this then?”

  “Princess Aquillianne is wise, she would not pick a fool as her planetary Administrator. Every nation and person on Earth is the vast hoard that I manage for my noble Frontenachii liege.”

  Sillicia's expression shifted, silver eyes narrowing. "Very well. The Admiral wishes to speak with you directly."

  She placed her clawed hand on her ring, and the device began to emit an eerie, crystalline hum. The air above it shimmered, and suddenly a three-dimensional hologram materialized.

  Admiral Evelithria Frontenachii stared down at me.

  "So, human," the Admiral growled, "you claim to be the Emperor of Earth. The one my Scrutimancers have found referenced in thousands of human minds. The Immortal God-Emperor who sits upon a Golden Throne?"

  "I am," I said, grateful the voice modulator hid my nervousness.

  "And you claim my niece appointed you as her planetary Administrator?"

  "She did. Thirteen years ago, we performed the blood pact. She chose to add my Earth to her vast domain."

  The Admiral's feathers fluttered up. "Thirteen years ago, Aquillianne was barely past her second molting. A child playing games!"

  "A child with the authority of her divine bloodline!" I countered. "Unless you're suggesting Frontenachii blood pacts made by juveniles are invalid? I was told by the Princess herself that age is irrelevant when it comes to blood pacts.”

  Shady suddenly manifested by my feet. "CRASH! This is a square! Emperor circle BEEP!"

  The Admiral's ears twitched. "What was that voice?"

  "Local wildlife," I said quickly, pushing Shady’s snout down so that she wouldn’t get into the camera's view. "Earth has many quirky creatures that copy sounds. They are called parrots, a type of a colorful bird. There are so many birds on our planet that sometimes I confuse their names.”

  There. An excuse for my penguin delinquency. RIP Puffins.

  "Hmm." The Admiral leaned forward. "Let us say, hypothetically, that your claim is valid. That my niece did indeed claim you as her Administrator. Why then is her Astral signature dead? Why can our Seekers not find her?"

  "I cannot speak to your technology's limitations," I shrugged. "The Princess is alive and well, enjoying ice cream and cracking jokes, as your commander witnessed herself. Perhaps your instruments are simply misfiring on my Earth or the Princess has a dampening artifact of some kind that she activated recently.”

  The Admiral's eyes flashed dangerously. "Do not presume to lecture me on dimensional mechanics, primitive!"

  "Then don't presume to threaten my world, Admiral. The Princess chose Earth. She wishes to remain here for the time being. That is her right as a Frontenachii heir, is it not? Can she not vacation on a world of her choice without being pestered by her family?"

  A long, tense silence. In the background, I could hear the Polish officials breathing shallowly, probably wondering what the hell was happening.

  "You speak of rights," the Admiral said slowly. "But rights must be verified. I demand to speak with my niece directly."

  "And I've told your field commander, she doesn't wish to speak with you."

  "That is not your decision to make, human!"

  "It is when she appointed me as her voice," I shot back. "Or does the Frontenachii Dominion not respect the autonomy of its own heirs and the absolute devotion of their chosen Administrators?"

  The Admiral's projection snarled, her rage almost palpable. "You dare—"

  "I dare because I MUST obey my liege’s orders as her kobold," I interrupted. "I also speak for eight billion souls who had no part in whatever family drama drove the Princess to seek refuge on my world. You've already killed several leaders, destroyed an island, reduced the pen... puffin population and damaged my moon! How much more senseless violence will you commit before accepting that your niece simply doesn't want to go home at this juncture?”

  "She is the Prima Heir of age!" The Admiral barked. "She has responsibilities! Duties to her bloodline!”

  "And she chose to set those aside for the time being. That's her choice, not yours."

  "CHOICE?!" The Admiral laughed bitterly. "What does a spawnling know of choice? What does she know of the weight of our Colonial Dominion, the burden of our species' survival?"

  "Apparently enough to take a break from it," I said quietly.

  The projection went absolutely still. Even through the video of the hologram, I could feel the Admiral's fury building like a storm.

  "Perhaps," she said, voice deadly cold, "I should simply glass your entire damned planet and sift through the ashes for my niece's remains?"

  "You could," I agreed. "But then you'd be the Admiral who destroyed her own niece's claimed territory. The Admiral who murdered her niece, plus her chosen blood and soul-bound Hoard Administrator and eight billion of her loyal subjects. How would that look to your Colonial Dominion? To the other Omnids? 'Admiral Evelithria Frontenachii, slayer of planets and kinslayer.' Has a certain ring to it."

  Sillicia made a small choking sound. The Admiral growled, black feathers bristling.

  "You think yourself clever, little kobold?"

  "I think myself bound by oath and duty to my Lady," I replied. "As you are bound by your laws. Unless the Frontenachii have abandoned all pretense of civilization? Are you yourself not bound by oath and duty to your noble rulers in Omnithornia, Admiral?”

  I was sweating madly under my mask, praying that I was saying the right words, the weight of all human lives sitting on my shoulders.

  The Admiral's hologram let out a deep sigh, her feathers settling slightly. When she spoke again, her voice carried a different weight, sounding slightly more calculated rather than simply furious.

  "You invoke our laws with surprising accuracy for a... primitive," she said. "Tell me, Emperor, how does a human know so much about Omnid legal structure?"

  "The Princess educated me," I said, which wasn't entirely a lie. "Thirteen years is a long time to learn."

  Behind me, Shady had discovered the kitchen drawers and was now making cabinet-slamming percussion while singing, "BANG BANG CIRCLE! This is a BEEP symphony!"

  The Admiral's ears twitched at the noise. "Your 'parrot' is quite vocal."

  "Yes, they're... enthusiastic creatures," I said, mentally willing Shady to shut up, relocating into the hallway. "About your demand to speak with the Princess—"

  "I have a counter-proposal," the Admiral interrupted. "A test of your claimed authority. If you truly are her devoted Administrator, you'll have knowledge only such a position would grant."

  I started sweating even more under the mask. "What kind of test?"

  "A few simple questions to which only a truly devoted kobold would know the answers." The Admiral's smile was predatory. "First: What is the Princess' Kaleid name?"

  Kaleid name? I had no idea what the fuck that even meant.