[Powerfully, Juvenile]

  At one time I would have relished walking into the dining room with Groucho. I’ve been in a constant battle with granny since I was thirteen. However lately we’ve seemed to come to a sort of unnegotiated detente. Well this little move was sure to blow said detente to kingdom come and back again.

  I’d used my truce with Collins to arrange the table for dinner, a job granny trusts to Collins with the occasional meddling designed for keeping dinner drama free. I’d placed Harry the Italian answer to Don Juan, right next to granny. Groucho was seated between myself and Aya, Frida was on my left. As far out of Groucho’s sightline as possible while still keeping him as far from granny as possible. It was imperative that Frida not be seen by Groucho because he was the one ‘person’ who was as obsessed as I was with Frida's impressive pair of breasts.

  With my ADHD I sometimes blurt out things that really should have just been left unsaid. But my filter compared to Groucho’s would be like, a minister on his first day before his flock to a drunken sexist at an all nude strip bar told that he can’t maul the exotic dancers.

  Of course I’d gotten Groucho’s word that he’d be on his best behavior, but Groucho had been taught said behavior by what I can only surmise was the most racist, sexist circus employee in the history of circus employees.

  This dinner is my one chance to see how Groucho was going to act if and when I brought him into the tower. I need Draco to go with me, but Draco won’t go without Groucho. His reasoning that bringing Groucho along will make the whole journey and I quote ‘hilarious’.

  "Hey, Jaq, the Jap girl is pretty nice looking, I like that long silky black hair, and them eyes are really exotic too. Too bad her knockers are so small, they're even smaller than yours and you are flat as a board.”

  “Groucho polite dinner conversation doesn’t include talking about the other guests' physical attributes, positive or negative.”

  “Well Jaq, you should have put the blonde with the huge knockers where Maz is sitting. I’d have something to look at besides the mad scientist. Instead of talking I could just imagine caressing them and the amount of pleasu…”

  “That’s enough Groucho, you are supposed to be impressing me with your impulse control so far you remind me of myself at my sweet sixteen where I got roaring drunk and told some Duchess she had a sour looking face. That was the second worst day of my life, the next day that I spent with a splitting headache and throwing up every half hour was the worst.”

  “Alright, Alright I get it, no talking about body parts. But if I ask you something will you answer me truthfully, Jaq.”

  “Yes I will, if the question is respectful.”

  “Can I ask you a question about your emotional state?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does it bother you that I can better describe your girlfriend's breasts, even though I only saw them for a few seconds.”

  Of course it did because the little ape knew just how to push my buttons. The day Frida had met the little monster, he’d begged her to flash him. My charitable girl had done just that in a quick flash. To a person with a photographic memory like his, this was like an artist who studies every detail as they create an image. To point out his superiority to me. He’d intimately described a tiny little mole on Frida’s left underboob. That I’d never noticed before he’d pointed it out.

  “Of course it doesn’t bother me, you have a photographic memory, I have ADHD. You are much more likely to notice small details while I’m more likely to miss them. If anything bothers me it’s that I have ADHD at all.”

  I had to lie to save face from a chimp. What has my life become? I’d be willing to bet that the invisible Draco lying in the corner, will have seen right through that lie and will call me out on it later. I knew this was going to be chaos when Draco proposed it. When Draco had first met me he’d impressed me with his invisibility spell, telling me he was a ‘world class magician’ meaning he really did know actual magic. His spell that allowed him to change sizes from the gigantic beast I’d first met to the miniature horse sized dragon that we’d snuck into the mansion, was even more impressive.

  At least Harry seemed to have completely charmed my granny. I wonder if that level of charm was learned over his long existence, or his Italian upbring? His contact with so many females over his five hundred plus years, did that give him special insight into a universal female psyche or did his dad give a book Twenty Italian Pickup Lines Guaranteed to Charm the Pants off her, renaissance edition?

  I guess it really doesn’t matter how he got it, just that he has it. Frida fell for him in minutes if not seconds. Luckily for me he prefers the footman to the model. He wants to go with us, but he doesn’t know about Draco and Draco wants to keep the number of people who know about him to a minimum. Besides this is going to be dangerous, there is no reason for him to risk his life for my granddad.

  Dinner finally drags to a close, just when I think we’ve pulled off a miracle and we are to escape scott free.

  “Jaq, I’d love to meet your new friend.”

  Damn it, so close.

  “Sure grandmother.” in a whisper to Groucho, “Just hello, goodbye and thank you for dinner. No opinions or insights or observations.”

  He whispers back, “Don’t worry Jaq, I’m great with old broads.”

  Crap, crap, crap. At least Maz was up and moving toward granny at the same time, maybe he’d be willing to take the blame. One thing I have to admit if I’m being honest. It was a lot more fun sitting next to Groucho during dinner than the asinine Arthur Farthing.

  “Grandmother I’d like to introduce Groucho.”

  “Lady Holland, I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

  “Yes Groucho it is lovely to meet you, I do hope you’ll come see me again”

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  "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."

  My granny actually laughed, not one of those polite laughs you hear at dinner parties, this was the genuine article.

  “Groucho you are just as witty as your namesake, please come see an old lady again.”

  "Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. I am sorry but we do have to go, that Asian woman is getting away and "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." It was wonderful to meet you, Lady Holland.”

  With that we were headed toward the door. We had survived dinner unscathed, Groucho had charmed Grandma. Maybe Harry had rendered her so charmed she’d be like that for days, I never had an inkling that granny knew who Groucho Marx was let alone was a fan. She certainly seemed to recognize the lines.

  I escorted Groucho to the last empty room close to where the portal appears. He and Draco who I could only assume was following would wait in the room till dawn, if the portal appeared we’d enter the tower. If not, we'd try it again tomorrow night.

  ***

  I rushed back to my room to meet Frida. What I didn’t expect was to see Harry sitting there chatting with her.

  “I’m coming Jaq, it’s non negotiable. I told you when I left the tower that I wanted to see what you do next. I can’t very well do that if you head back into the tower without me.”

  “Harry it’s going to be very dangerous, I don’t think this is a situation that I can just talk my way out of. Also I have a secret ally, who wants to keep his existence a secret. I can’t betray that trust.”

  “I assume you are referring to the dragon.”

  “How did you know?”

  Frida asked, “What there really was a dragon, I thought you were teasing me Harry. Jaq, you never told me you knew a dragon.”

  “I’m sorry Frida, it’s not my secret to tell, I wanted to tell you I promise.”

  “I understand Jaq, but now that we both know we want to meet them, you’ve hid them somewhere close to where the portal appears right?”

  “Yes, I have and as you say, the cats out of the bag, there is no reason not to meet him.”

  Harry asked “Who would put a cat in a bag?”

  “Just a saying, Harry.”

  “Ah like "Il segreto è svelato“.

  “We might as well go now Jaq, you want some time to rest before the portal opens right?”

  “Yeah you're right Frida, I want to get some ‘rest’ in before I go.”

  “Don’t worry Jaq, after we meet the dragon, I’m not coming back here to interpret you and Frida’s ‘rest time’. Who knows how long it’ll be before you can ‘rest’ again.”

  So we walked down to the room, Draco and Groucho were stashed in. I knocked before entering. I could only see Groucho.

  “Hello dragon it’s a pleasure to meet you, my name is Harry.”

  Silence

  “Sir dragon I can see you over in the corner, now I see you headed for the other corner.”

  Draco burst into sight.

  “Jaq, I’d thought we’d agree, I’d be a secret weapon.”

  “Draco, he already knew about you, he said that he saw you at dinner. He also wants to go into the tower with us. So seeing as he knows, I thought we should all discuss things together. Harry already told Frida about you before I got back to the room. But how come he can see you?”

  “I’m not sure Jaq, I suppose that all long term residents of the tower might be able to see me. It was mostly my magic that built it. Frida, you look a lot like a virgin I saved once, I don’t suppose you have a grandmother named Frida do you?”

  “Yes I do, Draco, when I was a little girl, she told me a story about the great dragon who’d saved her from the horrible men of her original village. She left out all the virgin stuff and other details, but she never forgot you. As I grew older I assumed it was just a story to please a little girl. Thank you for saving my grandma.”

  “You're welcome Frida, now Harry, why do you want to go back to the tower?”

  “After Jaq freed me, I was at loose ends, so I decided to follow her around and see what interesting thing that she does next. She’s going back in so I want to go back in. Besides, I might be useful to Groucho at the very least.”

  “Why me Harry?”

  “Because your seduction technique is painful to watch and I’m sorry but you are never going to find a woman that will fall for it. I can teach you techniques honed for over five hundred years.”

  “What kind of techniques?”

  “Groucho, you are hitting your targets with a hammer of sex and innuendo, when what you want to use is a single feather of double entendre. The more subtle you are, the more you intrigue. The more you intrigue the longer the woman will stick around to discover what you are really like. The kinds of things you are using now, might get you laughs or shock value second looks but that’s about it. What have you got to lose. I’ll show you the way you try it, if it doesn’t work for you, you are in no worse shape than you are right now.”