[Accompany, Deposit]
Rose stares out into the void Hello Dragon Dragon hello.
“Who is this, and why are you disturbing me, I’m on the do not call list do you not get that.”
“Hello, Dragon I’m Rose the author of the Slutty Princess. I’m afraid I don’t know what a do not call list is.”
“Great so you write pornography and you can’t read. Let me guess you dictate your sick sexual fantasies and you make a poor innocent computer transcribe them, then you go ahead and peddle this rubbish on Redwood.”
“No I do not write pornography, I have never included on page scenes of a sexual nature. I can read and write, and write my stories on magic paper and I don’t have a computer and have no idea how you sell a book on a tree.”
“The Redwood I was referencing is a store that sells everything. It started as a book store then started adding things till now where you can buy anything that’s available in the world. If it’s not pornography why is it called the slutty princess.”
“Because you gave her that name.”
“Did not.”
“Yes you did in your first scene in the story.”
“I wasn’t in your story. What’s your dragon's name?”
“I don’t know, everyone just called him dragon.”
“You had a character in your story and you don’t even know what his name is and you call yourself an author. Unbelievable. Even pornographers name their characters. Nothing too taxing on the brain, something like Bambi and Todd. But not naming characters is just lazy writing. How can you find their character sheet if you don’t know their name?”
“He didn’t have a character sheet, he was just supposed to be a minor character but his role expanded as he had such a presence on the page.”
“Of course he had a presence, he's a dragon, the most noble of beings in the universe. He’s got a backstory, he is ancient, powerful and a name. Did you get dropped on your head a lot when you were a child?”
“No and I don’t care for what you're implying.”
“I am implying that you are an idiot, we’ve been talking for fifteen minutes Rose and you haven’t bothered to ask my name either. So are you stupid, brain addled, just plain rude or a racist?”
“I most certainly am not a racist, and I’m sorry if I’ve been rude but you’ve had me on my back foot since this conversation started. Would you please tell me your name please.”
“Noo”
“Now who’s being rude?”
“I sorry Rose, it’s unkind to label people with a mental disability. Just stop shouting dragon into the void, and it’ll be alright, maybe you’ll get smarter as you get older. My name is Noo N o o. Do you understand that or should I go through it more slowly?”
“Yes, Noo, I understand. Hello Noo it’s wonderful to meet you. That’s a lovely and unusual name you have.”
“Thank You, I’m going back to sleep now.”
“Wait, Noo. How can I find the correct dragon if I don’t know their name?”
“Just call out the name of his world, then dragon. If you’re lucky it’ll be a world with few dragons. What is the name of his world?”
“Ammm, I didn’t name it.”
“Stars, you are just about the laziest writer I’ve ever met. You are a menace, someone should take away your crayons.”
“I’m an adult, Noo, I don’t write with crayons. I write with a pen.”
“Well whoever is in charge of you should take the pen away and get you a nice safe box of crayons. The kind without the sharp points. You’re libel to poke out an eye, if they let you wander through life with that in your hand.”
“Are all dragons rude or just you and the princesses dragon?”
“No dragons are rude, we are perceptive, and truthful. So if we see a flaw we feel it is our duty to point it out, then hint to the being that they should fix said flaw. If a dragon points out a flaw to you. You should first thank the dragon for even bothering to take an interest in your life. Second you should ask said dragon how you might fix the flaw that they were so kind to point out to you. So, first go ahead and thank me, then you may ask for my help fixing one or more of your faults. I’ll give you one for free. I think people are letting you skate by, because you are a little bit pretty. Don’t fall into that trap. Beauty is fleeting and wasted on the youth who expect it to last forever. You may thank me now.”
“Thank you Noo. I think that you’ve put me off dragons forever. Next time I need a large ancient being I’ll just use a kraken, at least they're polite.”
“I just knew you were a pornographer, and the lowliest kind, you’re into tentacle porn.”
“You take that back.”
“Never, you compare a porn monster to a heavenly dragon and you expect me to apologize. Never I say again.”
“You are the rudest, most condescending being I have ever met.”
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“You are the one who woke me up, just so I’d fix your life.”
“Noo, I sincerely apologize for waking you, please go back to sleep and I hope you have sweet dreams.”
“Thank you Rose, that’s very kind of you. If you want to find your dragon, just say the name of the main character and dragon. Bye Rose.”
Maybe I’ll just have a cup of tea and a biscuit before I attempt to speak to another dragon. After a calming cup of jasmine tea and a little sugar biscuit, I feel ready to begin again.
Rose stares into the void Hello Slutty Princess Dragon hello
“No, I’ve already told my agent, no more pornos.”
“Was your princess named Maria?”
“No, her name was the Slutty Princess, who’s Maria?”
“She’s the main character in my story.”
“Then why in hell would you call out to the Slutty Princess dragon if you really want the Maria dragon. I’m waiting for a call from my agent for a new swords and sorcery epic, where I kidnap a virgin princess then fight to the death with the paladin who comes to save her.”
“Wait, were you really in a book titled The Slutty Princess, that’s the same title as my new story. My dragon gave her that name. What was your story about?”
“Calling it a story is being generous, I play a dragon who kidnaps a virgin princess. But the twist is, she isn’t really a virgin. Which I don’t learn until I get back to my lair. Then she forces me to have sex with her a bunch of times, then she leaves to find other extremely large creatures to do the same thing with.”
“Couldn’t you just sniff her and tell that she wasn’t a virgin, my dragon could do that?”
“No, that's actually a rare and useful talent as human writers seem to have this fetish of pairing a huge dragon with a virgin. None of us know why, you are a writer, do you know why humans are so fixated on it? I say seven out of ten stories we get offered a deal with a virgin in the first few scenes. You didn’t start your story that way I hope.”
“I did, but my story was really about how a lawful good paladin left a non virgin to die.”
“But don’t you think the opening scene with the dragon and virgin was derivative and cliche.”
“No, because I was trying to subvert the trope.”
“Okay if you say so, what’s your publisher say?”
“He hasn’t read it yet.”
“Maybe you should rethink that start before you submit it.”
“He already has it, but thanks and I hope you get the character you want in the swords and sorcery story.”
Rose stares into the void Hello Princess Maria’s Dragon
“That’s not her name, she's the Queen of Carnal Delights, she used to be the Slutty Princess, she hasn’t been Princess Maria for quite some time.”
“I know I’m the author Rose and when I tried finding you I called for the Slutty Princess but wound up with a different dragon entirely.”
“Yeah, that would be Magnum. He specializes in porn novels, he claims he’s the best. As he is the only dragon who will do them, I guess that he’s right. Rose, I enjoyed your story. At first when I heard the plateau of sacrifice and virginity, I thought fifty fifty do I eat her and fight a paladin or do we have sex and I have to fight a paladin.”
“How would that even work look at the size of you?”
“Usually the author has us transform into some oversized human and then has sex. But I always stay away from stories like that. Transforming is really painful, just think all the atoms that make up a dragon compressed into an extra large human. I’m so heavy and dense I can barely move, it’s just horrible. It happens multiple times per story. First I transform into a human for the sex then some plot point needs me to transform back into a dragon. Then before you know it the virgin wants to have sex again and I transform again. It’s even more painful than the last, probably because every nerve is still raw from the first transformation. I loved your story, no transformations and I wasn’t forced to have sex with anyone. It really was refreshing.”
“Magnum said it was cliche and derivative and I should rethink the whole start.”
“No, don't listen to him, Rose, every story is about an evil dragon fighting a knight / paladin who’s there to save a virgin. Not only didn’t we have to fight, the lawful good paladin is actually the villain. I loved it.”
“Lawful good is almost as bad as any of the evil alignments in my opinion.”
“I’ve been saying that for years, any moral code that is based on so many rules is bound to wind up hurting people. As soon as that happens I think their alignment shifts immediately like in your story Cormac went from Lawful Good to Lawful Neutral if not even Lawful Evil. If she had died, he would have been Lawful Evil for sure.”
“That’s why I went with Ronan in the second part, I’d never considered using a neutral character before but they had such good chemistry in that second episode. I’d always considered neutral alignment as just less evil then evil but not good like good. I always wanted my main characters to have good alignment, now I’ll be more open in the future to using neutral characters.”
“So will there be a part for me in the sequel, I saw the teaser in the last chapter?”
“Of course you started off as a minor character, but once it became a novel about a revolution. I knew you had to play a major role, Maria needed you on her side. I haven’t even started to think about it except Maria might play both mother and daughter. If something happens between them which happens between mothers and daughters each or both could come to you for advice. But you’d be interested in doing a story?”
“Yes, especially if I don’t have to transform.”
“I can guarantee, there will be no transformations. I might have you doing more magic. It seems to me a world class magician should be doing more magic. I was going to have you save Maria in the final chapter but then I thought of a way for her to save herself, without turning into a warrior princess. Plus I thought it would be more satisfying for the reader if she saved herself. But I still wanted you there, because if you hadn’t started calling her the Slutty Princess and given her that ring, none of the rest of the story would have worked.”
“Thank you, so are you going to invite me over to see your town?”
“I would if I could but right now I’m in the back room of the bookstore and it’d be hard to fit a miniature pony in here let alone a full size dragon. If I did it outside you’d cause the watch to go hysterical.”
“But you’re the author, you can bring me over any size you want.”
