[Expose, Depletion]
I tossed and turned, dreams disjointed, I was standing in the middle of bible study naked. A feather floated down. Lola was giggling. Maz said no I understand I want him to be happy. Cheryl said minus ten. I floated in blackness, floating in the blackness was by far the best part of the dream. Nyx was tickling my foot, I started to laugh, my core muscles still ached from the tickling that Nyx had administered to me. I woke up, a sleek pretty black and white cat, lay at the foot of my bed in a beam of sunlight. She was cleaning her paws and looked very contented indeed. Her tail was swishing back and forth and occasionally it swiped and tickled the soles of my feet.
I sat up and started to scratch her neck, she started to purr like a motorboat.
“Where did you come from sweetie?”
She purred even louder, I got up and dressed and gave her another scratch.
“Would you like to see what we have for you to eat sweetie?”
I went out into the kitchen, someone had picked up some milk so I poured a little into a small bowl, she lapped it up greedily, then leapt up on to a windowsill laid down and watched every move I made as I prepared coffee.
I made some scrambled eggs and waited for them to cool a bit before putting half on a plate next to the bowl. She sprang from the windowsill landing lightly by the plate. She’d finished all of hers before I had eaten half of mine so I gave her half of mine again.
Harry was up by now and we sat in the kitchen having a cup of coffee together, in companionable silence. The backdoor opened and a sleepy looking Groucho came in. We better get home soon or Groucho will die of sleep deprivation.
“I don’t know how you two can drink that stuff, it smells like wet skunk.”
“We know your thoughts on coffee but it wakes us up.”
“So does early morning sex and you don’t have to smell wet skunk while you are doing it.”
“Groucho, a gentleman does not kiss and tell.”
“I wasn’t talking about kissing Harry I was talking about…”
“I know what you are talking about Groucho, but you don’t talk about it especially if you like the woman.”
“Jaq, don’t girls/women talk about sex with their friends.”
“Yes Groucho, sometimes they do.”
Harry added, “But they don’t do it in mixed company, and they don’t do it to brag I assume.”
“We’re all bro’s right and I wasn’t bragging, I was just saying that sex smells a lot better than wet skunk, ah look at the cute pussy, come’re pussy.”
The cat walked over and butted her head against Groucho’s legs. Groucho began to pet her, that motorboat purring started up again.
“What do you want me to do today Jaq?”
“Nothing, just rest and enjoy, the demon who tormented me in hell threatened Cheryl, told her to be here by this afternoon with the official records of granddad. If that happens I assume a portal will open and we can go home and I can figure out my next step.”
“You mean, our next step, I’m not hiding in my bedroom from the world while the old coot is running around lost or whatever.”
“No Groucho, I’m sorry but what happened yesterday just made it more clear than ever, this is my granddad, my responsibility, my blood not anyone else. I won’t risk any of your lives any further. Besides you don’t have to hide in the barn,everyone knows you in the house now so you are always welcome.”
“You know Jaq, you’re always banging on about the lousy christians trying to take away your free will because of their rules. So how is anything you just said to me any different. How are you not taking away our free will by making decisions about what are and what we aren’t allowed to do. This has been the single greatest week of my life, I met a real live girl, and we had real fun together. I got to know all of you better. I got caught in a trap, and the best people in the world proved that they had my back when they came to rescue me. Lola asked me to stay here with her, and I told her I couldn't because my friends needed me to help find the old coot. So don't make a liar of me, let me have my free will right, Harry.”
“Absolutely right, Groucho, well said. I told her when we were on the way to Tregaron I wanted to see what she did next, "I can't very well do that locked up in a pottery can I.”
“You can’t keep me out of the tower, it’s half mine. What’s the worst thing that happened to any of us, here anyway. Groucho had a good time, Harry’s been out chatting up the neighbors, besides maybe I’ll run across Merlin, he owes me a retirement lair.”
I started crying, I realized I really didn’t want to do this on my own. The cat jumped up into my lap banging her head against my chest, demanding to be petted.
“Stop ballin Jaq, you’re supposed to be a bro and bro’s don’t cry.”
“I’m just happy, I didn’t want to do this without you guys but I also don’t want any of you to get hurt.”
“We could fall down the stairs at Tregaron and break our necks but you still invited us to your home. I think I speak for Groucho and Draco as well. We would rather get hurt in the tower, than wait at Tregaron to see if you make it home alive or not.”
I started crying again. I’m not a crier, I must still be worn out. Draco announced it was time for a nap. Groucho implied that he’d had so much sex last night that he hadn’t had time to sleep. Even Harry decided that a nap sounded good. So it was just me and the cat in the kitchen. Then the cat jumped down and attacked a dust ball in the corner.
I could use more sleep but I wanted to be awake when Cheryl arrived, so I made some more coffee. The cat yawned widely and ran off toward my bedroom. I heard a POP.
Nyxophillia stood in front of me.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
“How you doin, babe”
“Hi Nyx, you lied to me, you said my ADHD was cured, it came back.”
“Didn’t lie babe, I thought you were in Literal Hell for good, it would still be gone if you stayed there. You could stay there if you wanted too. We’re no lousy christian theocracy, we allow free will, free love, free beer, radio free europe.”
“Will my ADHD really be gone in the afterlife?”
“Depends where you go babe. I hope you come to literal hell, you can be the second nicest demon in literal hell, and just wait until your girlfriend sees what you can do with that tail. Oh boy you think she likes you now, she’ll be over the moon. I never could understand why you humans gave up on the tail to start with. The only disadvantage of a tail is wearing pants, so instead you wear chaps, and you got the bum for it. But you’re always distracting me, you still owe me an hour babe, you want to do it here or back in literal hell.”
“Oh, no, my sides still ache from yesterday, I can’t.”
“How about ten minutes a day for the next six days?”
“How about five minutes a day for the next twelve”
“Two and a half minutes a day for the next thirty.”
“Hey you’re trying to cheat me, that should be for the next twenty four days.”
“Look babe, I’m going to offer you the deal of a lifetime, you have ten seconds to agree to it once I tell you what it is. One minute a day for thirty days if you adopt the cat, bring it home and either keep her herself or give it to your girlfriend if she likes cats. She looks like a lovely cat and deserves a better home than the edge of a swamp. Ten, Nine….”
“Okay I agree.”
“Great now strip.”
“Wait you know that the most ticklish spot is on the soles of my feet, all I have to do is take off my cowboy boots and you can tickle me fine.”
“That’s all well and good babe, but we have only one rule in Literal Hell, all torture most be performed while the victim is naked, it’s supposed to induce more fear and dread, while the victim feels exposed. You won’t find a demon in any of the seven hells that’d break that rule. Besides, all demons seem to really enjoy gratuitous nudity. It's instinctual, so come on strip, at least one of us should enjoy this.”
Knock, Knock, Knock.
“I gotta go babe, if it’s that Cheryl chick I might kill her, and I’m not supposed to do that on the mortal plane. Sorry, our thirty days starts tomorrow.”
POP
The cat came trotting back into the room looking annoyed at the door. I got up and opened the door. Cheryl was standing there, her face and arms were covered with tiny slashes.
“What happened to you Cheryl?”
“Razor grass, that horrid demon dropped me in a field of the stuff. I knew you were trouble the moment you got up and threw our faith into our faces. Little miss agnostic, lesbian, now you can add beloved by demons. I hope you enjoy your eternity in hell.”
The cat hopped up onto the counter and hissed at Cheryl.
“Sorry Cheryl, I think your knocking woke her up, she’really quite a sweet cat.”
“Just keep her away from me, I hate cats, their creatures of the devil. Here I just came to give you this.”
She handed me a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it. Granddad had last been here twenty fours years ago.
“He’s not here then?”
“No according to hell’s official records he was her but left long ago. Make sure you tell that horrid demon that I gave you the information as promised.”
The cat hissed at Cheryl again and she backed through the door, keeping her eyes on the cat as if she was worried it’d attack.
The trail was still very cold but I’d cut the time in half, so I looked around the house for the portal. Last time in heaven it had been in the living room, there it was again. Groucho was asleep on the couch. I had the cat in my arms, she was staring at the portal. She’d calmed down as soon as Cheryl had left the house.
“Harry, Draco, Come on we have a portal, last time it took me home but I’m not really sure if this one will take us home. Groucho, are you all set?”
“Yes, jaq, I’m ready, hey you forgot your knapsack didn’t you?”
Harry yelled. “I’ll get it, it's in the closet isn’t it?”
I yelled. “Draco come on the portal is here.”
“Rose I’m standing right next to you”
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there because you're invisible.”
“Are you bringing that cat with you?”
“Yes, why?”
“It just seems every time you enter the tower you come home with a stray. What if your girlfriend falls in love with the cat like she did with Harry won’t you be jealous?”
“No, I can share Frida’s affection with a cat, her coloring reminds me of Nyx the demon from Literal hell, that’s what we should name her if Frida doesn’t object. She even hissed at Cheryl, my nemesis from bible study.”
“Harry come on, I don't know how long these portals last.
“I’m ready Jaq, let's go.”
I stepped through the portal, cat in hand, my friends right behind me.
