[Find, Leadership]
“Welcome to Literal Heaven.”
“Peter, what are you doing here?”
“I ascended Jaq, they said I was so good that I could skip Heaven entirely and jump right to Literal Heaven, they even made me a saint, and gave me a cool job greeting god’s new subjects.”
“So do I have to call you Saint Peter now?”
“No of course not, we’re friends Jaq, oh my god, I can’t believe it, the last time I saw you, you were naked in bible study and that demon was teaching Cheryl a lesson about being mean to everyone. I’m just so happy you are here. I was worried, you did seem awfully chummy with that demon.”
“Well lets just say Nyx’s bark is worse than her bite.”
“Let me set you up with your personal Angel, they’ll help you transition into your new life in heaven.”
“They’ll give me all the rules?”
“There are no more rules Jaq, your only job is to enjoy your afterlife and praise god, which of course makes you enjoy your afterlife. It is a self fulfilling circle.”
“That actually sounds nice, they won’t have a problem that I’m an agnostic, lesbian will they.”
“Jaq, everyone who walks through these gates is welcome.”
“That’s very progressive, I’m impressed. What about my grandfather, am I allowed to search for him?”
“Allowed, we have an entire department set up to help you, we want to reunite you with your family, Jaq. The only thing more important than family is God. But first we have to set you up with an Angel. Would you like an Orel or a Paula White angel?”
“Paula White, I guess.”
“You’ve got it. Jaq is that cat from hell.”
“Yes I didn’t want to leave her in that bungalow by the swamp.”
“Technically, cats aren’t allowed in heaven, so just keep her in your home and it’ll be alright. If your Paula White object’s just tell her Saint Peter blessed the cat. If she has any further objections just tell her to see me.”
“Thanks Peter, that’s very nice of you.”
“Omna Patri Santus”
“What’s that Peter?”
“I just blessed the cat.”
“Thanks Peter I’m sure she appreciates it.”
“No problem Jaq, I hope I see you in the cathedral soon, in the meantime just go through this door here to meet Paula White.”
“Hello Jaq, I’m your Paula White.”
“Hi Paula.”
“No, it’s Paula White.”
“I get that but your first name is Paula, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good let’s be friends, let’s be on a first name basis. Alright?”
“Jaq, my name is Paula White, not Paula. Don’t stand against me. “Whatever stands against you stands against God — and it must fall.”
“Fine Angel, take us to our new home please.”
“Very well Jaq, shouldn’t you stop by the cathedral to pray first.”
“No first take us to our new home, then you can take me to the department to find my missing family.”
“Please leave the cat here it will be disposed of.”
“No Saint Peter blessed the cat and said she’d be fine in our house.”
“No cats are demonic “Whatever stands against you stands against God — and it must fall.”
“I don’t know what that even means, I’m an agnostic.”
“You deny god. “Whatever stands against you stands against God — and it must fall.”
“Peter said if you object you must go see him, do you understand.”
“It’s Saint Peter, not Peter, you blasphemer, “Whatever stands against you stands against God — and it must fall. Jaq, you shall not prosper.”
“Whatever, just go talk to him.”
A short time later a very red faced and angry Paula White stomped back into the white room we were waiting in.
“Let’s go, follow me, I’ll take you to your house. The cat must remain inside, it is not allowed contact with any residents of heaven. If it is caught outside the home, it’ll be disposed of.”
“Is that a threat Angel?”
“No, god does not make threats, he makes promises to his people.”
When we walked outside to perfect sunny weather, just the right temperature. A black stretch limo pulled up, Angel opened the door, we piled in. We rode in silence for about twenty minutes. Up a hill or perhaps a mountainside, forests on both sides of the road, then we turned down a long gated drive. The limo slowed but never paused as the gates swung open.
The pure white mansion was enormous and that’s from someone who grew up in a mansion. The mansion overlooked the ocean but it was miles below us. We went into a marbled floored entrance hall, everything was white or gold. Very gaudy, not my style at all. Everyone grabbed a room except for Frida and I grabbed one together. Every room had that same gold and white motif, I hope we’re not going to be here for too long.
“Frida, I’m going to go to the department to search for granddad, would you like to go with me, or would you like to look around the mansion?”
“I’m coming with you Jaq, this place is creepy and that ‘angel’ is the creepiest of all. I have a feeling, she’d dispose of you and Nyxi, as if she was cleaning out a litter box.”
“That’s my curse, Frida, making friends everywhere I go.”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
The angel was standing right by the massive front door.
“We’d like to go to the department of missing family, now, Angel.”
“You should be in the cathedral praising god.”
“When do we get to meet him?”
“Meet him, never, he is god, he doesn’t have time for the likes of you.”
“When was the last time you met him?”
“I’ve never met him, I’m a mere construct.”
“You are what? A robot, a golem, or something else and are you sentient?”
“I’m not a piece of tech, so I suppose the closest thing you could understand is a sentient golem.”
“Who made you?”
“God made me.”
“How do you know that, you claimed to have never met god.”
“I haven’t met god, the foreman at the factory I was made in told me, god made the factory, that made me. Therefore I was made by god.”
“How do you know he wasn’t lying?"
“It’s impossible to lie in heaven, just try it, say your name is Jill.”
“My name is…, I couldn't say Jill, my own brain has betrayed me, yet again. So what happened to my free will?”
“Lying is a sin, sin is not allowed in heaven. There is no need for sin in heaven.”
“What about greed? Nearly every surface in that mansion is covered by gold, it looks gaudy, cheap and tawdry only there to impress. But I’m not impressed.”
“This is why you should be in the cathedral praying that god removes your harmful desires and blesses you with prosperity.”
“What use is money if I don’t have the desire to use it? I’m no miser, who’s only joy is counting his money. Once a person has a safe place to live and a stable source of food, they have everything they need to make a happy life with their friends.”
“Then you should be very happy here in heaven, you have a beautiful safe home, and no need to eat any longer.”
“What we can’t eat while we are here?”
“That’s correct, your stomach has been removed, thereby removing gluttony from heaven. All your harmful organs have been removed. Removing lust from heaven.”
I grabbed my chest, my nipples were gone, Frida confirmed hers were gone as well, I put my hands down my pants, hell I’ve been turned into a flat chested barbie doll and I don’t even have blonde hair. Why did I ever let Frida into this god forsaken tower? I grabbed the angel, gave her a little shake.
“How do we get our organs back?”
“You can't, this is Literal Heaven. Your job is to praise God, you will grow to love praying. It is the most fulfilling thing you can do in Heaven.”
The limo pulled up before a marble building, there were lots of people here, flowing in and out. Angel got out.
“Follow me.” she said.
We followed her into a bigger looking version of the Greek Parthenon. Where we stood at the very end of a very long line. I’m not sure how long we stood there, three or four hours at least.
“Name please.”
“I’m looking for Colonel Henry Holland.”
“Alright dear, you want building Holl. There’s a map hanging out front, if you need directions. NEXT.”
We went back to the car and drove for about twenty minutes past more Halls just like the one we had just been in.
“Follow me.”
Angel led us to another very long line, a few of the people in line in front of us looked familiar, I think they were in line before us at the first building. After another agonizing wait, of at least three hours. A carbon copy of the last clerk asked.
“Name please.”
“I’m looking for Colonel Henry Holland.”
“Okay, you want building Holland. There’s a map hanging out front, if you need directions. NEXT.”
Back to the limo we started down the same road but turned right at the first crossroads.
“Angel, why didn't they just direct us to the Holland building at the first information desk?”
“To give you time to pray that your relative is here, haven’t you two been praying?”
“No, I told you I was an agnostic, do you not understand the meaning of that word?”
“Well if you want to find your relative, you will need to.”
She said something to the driver, he slowed and started to turn around.
“Angel, where are we going?”
“You need to start again, it’s not going to work if you don’t pray.”
After about twelve to sixteen hours of praying, I realized it was even more boring than meditation whose purpose is to think of nothing.Which when the mind eventually calms down, actually feels quite peaceful. Another thing that came to mind was that my legs weren’t tired at all, also not a hunger pang has been felt. I haven’t used nor needed to use a restroom since we arrived.
After another three hours in the line we were waiting in, inside of building Holland, Henry. We finally reached the clerk.
“Name please.”
“I’m looking for Colonel Henry Holland.”
He typed in the name.
“Information on Colonel Henry Holland requires another ninety six hours of prayer. If you both pray, that cuts down the time required to just forty eight hours. If you both use a cathedral to pray in, that cuts down the time to just twenty four hours. When you come back, make sure to use the second line, for returning family members.”
We returned to the car.
“Jaq, of course I’ll help. If I knew my prayer counted I would have been praying this whole time.”
“Thanks Frida, let’s go to a cathedral, anything to get this over with. Angel, please take us to the nearest cathedral.”
It was a short five minute drive away. They must have lots of these churches. We went in and the place was packed, there were no pews nor kneelers. Everyone packed in standing up. There seemed to be some type of symbol at the front of the church, and racks upon racks of candles lined the walls.
But like all the other buildings it had no walls, just columns rising high above the floor holding up the roof. The weather here in Literal Heaven must always be this pleasant. After about twelve hours of praying, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Just reciting these meaningless, at least to me prayers just didn’t make any sense. Why would a god value prayers from a person who has no faith in them?
“Frida, I need a break, I can’t take one more minute of prayer. I want to go back to the house and see how everyone is making out, then come back later for the last twelve hours.”
“Hell yes Jaq, hell yes”
