My Menu opened, the same as before, and brought me to the Feat Selection submenu.

  Choose one.

  Option 1 - Fecalmancy

  Warning! This is a cursed feat. Are you or someone you know constipated or just really, really bored? Here’s the cure for both! The ability to conjure shit out of thin air, literally! Learn a plethora of shitty spells.

  Benefit: Gain the following spells:

  Summon golem—a protector.

  Summon homunculus—a flying familiar to do your bidding.

  Shitstorm—control the weather and ruin someone’s day.

  Turdbolt—a terrible yet effective ranged attack with a chance to blind on hit.

  Fabricate furniture—the worst tea party imaginable.

  Fabricate basic structures—only the crappiest walls will do.

  Curse of dysentery—a slow and wasting death, not for the weak of heart or stomach.

  Drawback: It’s all made of shit.

  “It’s like writing; you just make shit up.”

  Option 2 - Acquired Taste

  Slimy yet satisfying! You can now consume the brains of any humanoid, regardless of race.

  Benefit: You restore up to 40% of your Vitality for every humanoid brain consumed.

  Drawback: Non-human brains don’t increase your Intellect when consumed.

  “It’s not what you know, but who you know.”

  Option 3 - Conduit

  Let the storm rage around you. You no longer take electric damage. It reinvigorates you instead.

  Benefit: Electric damage restores your Mana instead of damaging your Vitality.

  Drawback: Lightning always strikes you. You can’t deal electric damage, and you’re vulnerable to EMP.

  “Power overwhelming.”

  Feat choice tokens remaining:

  1 – Banish | 2 – Lockdowns | 2 - Re-rolls

  Reminder:

  Banish permanently removes one choice from the feat pool.

  Lockdown forces one choice to reappear on the next feat roll.

  Re-roll replaces all non-lockdowned feats with different feats.

  Unchosen feats return to the feat pool unless banished.

  Don’t screw it up.

  At the very bottom of the screen were the same options as before. I could choose, banish, or lockdown any of the feats.

  While I wanted little more than to banish Fecalmancy, I’d learned my lesson and considered all of my options first.

  “There’s no way in hell I’m picking the first feat.” I wanted to say “shitty feat,” but I refused to play into the terrible pun.

  “Agreed,” Dickhead said.

  “I half expected you to tell me to consider taking it since it’d give me a use for my Mana.”

  “If it were any other element, I would have. But excrement is as flimsy as mud, and you can do much better than mud magic.”

  The second feat looked reasonable. I had learned the hard way that I couldn’t just eat any old brain. It also tipped me off that I’d probably be facing more than just human NPCs. I considered locking it but didn’t want to waste a lockdown token.

  “How do I get more feat choice tokens?”

  “It’s the first time I’ve seen You Know Who use anything like this. I’m not sure you can, let alone how.”

  I frowned. While Acquired Taste might have been nice to have, it wasn’t a must-have.

  I considered the last feat, Conduit. It would’ve come in clutch against the cottonlord, but I already had a trait that allowed me to cheese that fight.

  Curious if there was anything I had overlooked, I asked, “What do you think of the last feat?”

  “It’s very situational. If we knew an electric-themed Instance we could farm, I’d say pick it.”

  Immediately, a franked-up ancient Greek Olympic Instance with Zeus as the final boss came to mind.

  “Is… that a thing?” I asked, genuinely curious.

  “Oh, yes. You Know Who loves its little themes. Not to mention that damage immunity of any kind is strong. If it were one of the physical types, it’d be my pick. Although this one goes beyond immunity with an added benefit of restoring your Mana, which is amazing. But your Mana use is basically nonexistent. Other than your sparkler, you’ve nothing to spend it on.”

  He’d helped me make my decision.

  “Eh, I’m just going to re-roll.” I tapped the option, and the screen changed.

  Exclusive feat choice rolled! Any previously locked feats will show up on the next nonexclusive feat roll. The following feats will drastically change your flesh. Choosing any of the feats will permanently remove the other two from the feat pool.

  Choose one.

  Option 1 - Umbrasynthesis

  This is an exclusive feat for your flesh! Your powers don’t glow in the dark; they grow in the dark. Tap into the untold potential of the undergrowth as your flesh embraces the power of Umbrasynthesis.

  Benefit: You are immune to decay. For every second you spend in total darkness, you gain one minute of Dark Embrace, stacking up to eight hours. Dark Embrace doubles all your attributes and provides one Vitality regeneration every fifteen seconds.

  Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  Drawback: You are vulnerable to solar and heat damage. Direct sunlight burns through Dark Embrace at twice the rate and disables your Vitality regeneration.

  “Just like Superman, only much, much darker!”

  Option 2 - Chameleon

  This is an exclusive feat for your flesh! Ever wanted to be the master of hide and go seek? Ambush friends and foes alike with near-perfect invisibility. Becoming a master of disguise has never been easier than with color-changing flesh.

  Benefit: You are immune to decay. You become invisible to the naked eye while stationary. Your starting Dexterity gains +5. Your Stealth skill gains +5.

  Drawback: Chameleon does not affect worn items. Your movement creates outlines in your invisibility.

  “Don’t move. They can’t see you if you don’t move.”

  Option 3 - Metal Coat

  This is an exclusive feat for your flesh! Thought you were one tough son of a bitch before? Harden your flesh into living iron. You become harder to damage and to heal.

  Benefit: You are immune to dismemberment, decay, and organic parasites. All physical damage is further reduced by 100 points, including self-damage. You can now be repaired. Food for Thought still restores Vitality.

  Drawback: You are immune to healing. You are vulnerable to heat damage while chilled. You are vulnerable to cold damage while burning. You are susceptible to corrosion. Torso armor no longer provides you any benefits. You suffer a 20% movement penalty while under 50 Strength.

  “Look at you. You are the armor now.”

  Feat choice tokens remaining:

  1 - Banish (sealed) | 2 - Lockdowns (sealed) | 1 - Re-roll

  Reminder:

  Banish and lockdown are sealed during exclusive feat choices.

  Re-roll replaces all feats with different feats.

  Unchosen feats return to the feat pool unless banished.

  Don’t screw it up.

  Option 1: [Choose] Umbrasynthesis.

  Option 2: [Choose] Chameleon.

  Option 3: [Choose] Metal Coat.

  Option 4: [Re-roll].

  Dickhead nearly gasped. “Ooh. Exclusive feats. I’ve never seen these before. Interesting…”

  I agreed with Dickhead’s sentiment; these feats were very interesting, and powerful. It’s too bad that choosing one would lock me out of the others.

  “Not going to lie,” I said. “Even the name—Umbrasynthesis—sounds really badass.”

  “Normally I’d advise against choosing feats on name alone, but this one doubles your attributes. That’s… insane.”

  He was right; it would effectively turn every FrankUp coin into two coins while the buff was active.

  “I’d also stop decaying,” I noted.

  “That looks like a common benefit shared among them all.”

  “How long would that regeneration take me to go from zero to max Vitality?”

  “Just under three hours and fifty-nine minutes.”

  “Probably not super useful in the middle of a fight, but I’d save a ton in medical costs. Is solar damage common?”

  “Normally I’d say no, but this isn’t your normal World Dungeon. There seem to be a few specialized NPC classes that have access to it.”

  “So eight minutes in a closet would get me eight hours of Dark Embrace, and direct sunlight would only halve the duration…” Dickhead had summarized this feat perfectly. It was pretty insane. Our discussion moved on to the second option.

  “What do you think of Chameleon?” he asked. “It’s got the fewest drawbacks.”

  Least drawbacks didn’t mean no drawbacks.

  “Yeah, but I’d have to run around unarmed and naked.”

  “You’re usually unarmed anyway. Also, considering the rate you go through clothes, I’m not sure going naked would be a problem either.”

  I grunted at his point. The feat also offered bonuses to my Dexterity and Stealth skill, which were two things I was already working to improve. It wasn’t the worst choice in the world, but nowhere near as good as turning into a reverse Kryptonian.

  Reading the first benefit on the list for Metal Coat—immune to dismemberment—had me reaching for Choose. Keeping all my damn limbs attached was one hell of a selling point. But I stayed my hand, forcing myself to read the rest of it first.

  My only real concern was with that last bit. I was already slow on my feet thanks to my Creeper trait, and this drawback would only make that worse. But… the drawback would disappear after I hit fifty Strength, which is something I intended on doing anyway.

  Honestly, did speed really matter if you’re a goddamn tank?

  “I like Metal Coat for this one,” I said.

  “Are you sure? Cold and heat are fairly common damage types. Not to mention, you’d lose the ability to heal normally. Also, corrosion is just another form of decay, albeit much, much slower.”

  He started coming around as he thought it through. “On the other hand… That damage reduction will trivialize most of the damage in this expansion. And it’s nearly impossible to find anything that reduces self-damage. The idea that nonorganic parasites exist terrifies me, but not having to deal with all the other parasites is obviously a boon.”

  “Will it get rid of the stupid spores in my lungs?”

  “Unsure.”

  I’d already made up my mind and was just letting him come to terms with it.

  He let out a brief sigh. “Not what I was looking for, but if you're happy, I'm happy.”

  I tapped on Choose.

  [Metal Coat, accepted.]

  The bed groaned under my suddenly increased weight.

  “Oh, shit.” I shot to my feet to avoid breaking anything. “I see the damn System left out the part where I’d gain a shit ton of weight.”

  “Half a ton. It looks like your new body is about five times heavier than your previous.”

  I didn’t feel five times heavier.

  My gaze dropped to my hands. They were a dull silver, not cast-iron black as I had expected. I turned them over and formed a fist. Everything moved as if I were just wearing body paint.

  There was a pronounced hitch in my gait as I stepped toward the wall. I’d have to get that fixed. Hopefully, repairs were cheaper than healing.

  I knocked a knuckle on the stone wall and heard the metallic resonance of iron. Thoughts of going back to the prison and punching right through the damn wall brought a smile to my face.

  I removed potions of healing from my hotbar; I wouldn’t be needing those ever again. It was nice not having to worry about saving them. Now I could just sell them without wondering if I’d made a mistake.

  But before I could leave my Lair, I wanted to get Pepper set up to refine the timber Jesus was bringing in. I limped my way over to the Lair terminal, which seemed to take forever. Long enough that I had time to pull up my movement speed under my Character Sheet. It said I was at -35% movement speed. And holy hell, did it feel slow.

  I finally got to the damn terminal and brought up the Upgrades submenu.

  Refining Prefabs

  (New!) Sawmill workshop: 1,000 gold

  (New!) Furnace workshop: 1,000 gold

  (New!) Tannery workshop: 1,000 gold

  (New!) Loom workshop: 1,000 gold

  (New!) Stonecutter workshop: 1,000 gold

  Additional purchasable refining rooms unlock as discovered.

  I almost tapped on Sawmill but stopped. I had tossed Jesus into the forest because it was the first thing available. I had options now. Maybe there was something like a potion of healing I could craft to repair myself? If so, I’d probably need iron for it.

  I tapped on Furnace workshop instead.

  [You’ve spent: 1,000 gold. Total gold: 4,447.]

  Next, I hopped into Build Mode and the System updated me on my new blueprints.

  [New blueprint unlocked: common trophy room furniture - weapon mount.]

  A cool, if useless, addition to the shit I could add to my Lair.

  I dropped the new workshop behind the small warehouse and connected it with a doorway. It was my biggest room yet at five-by-five tiles. My Lair tile count now displayed 108. I also checked how many spare tiles were left, the menu said five.

  I probably should’ve put more thought into the layout, but that was a problem for Future Frank. I assigned Jesus to the iron resource node and Pepper to the new workshop.

  [Freelancing - Objective: Build a refining workshop and assign a Freelancer complete.]

  [You’ve gained: 1 common chest.]

  [New objective: Build a crafting workshop and assign a Freelancer.]

  “Thanks, boss!” I heard her yell as she hurried to get the furnace started.

  Having set up my Freelancers for the day, I took out a hearthrune and dropped it.

  [Exiting your Lair. Please wait…]

  [Welcome to Safe Harbor.]

  “Dick, mark the closest armorsmith,” I said as I strolled out of the hearth.

  The grandfather clock was parked just outside the tavern this time, but I didn’t have time for whatever creepy prank some asshole was playing.

  I felt the ping and followed the marker across town until I ran into my next problem.

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