I blink and shake my head all around, waking with a start from the dream-punch. It’s a good thing that wasn’t real because I’m pretty sure my face would be a bloody crater right now if Ulric had actually punched me. Speaking of the ol' bloodsucker, Ulric and I are seated right next to each other. He’s still opening and closing his eyes to regain his vision. Fallow’s on the other side of me doing the same thing. Looks like we’re all waking up at the same time.

  There’s a big bonfire in front of us. All our weapons are in it. Fallow’s staff is sticking straight up out of the center and the green gem that’s normally attached to the end is missing. Surrounding the fire is a platoon of about fifty Fornian soldiers on horseback. Silhouetted by the flames is a big guy with horns. He’s standing next to the sorceress with Hellstorm in his hand and all I can make out of his face is two glowing red eyes.

  I’m sitting on the ground with my wrists bound behind my back. When I feel a tug on the rope, I realize the five of us are all tied together—Ulric and Fallow on either side of me, with Tabitha and Gabriella behind me, their backs pushed up against mine. Either we’re all about to play some really lame party game, or the sorceress has very creative ways of killing her victims. Or both. If we have to chew our arms off to escape then I’m gonna go ahead and tap out now. I think we all know who’d win that contest.

  The sorceress has her staff planted in the ground next to her with the rock we took out of Cerberus attached to the end. She’s holding the green gem from Fallow’s staff in her other hand, shuffling it around in her palm like she’s trying to get a feel for it. I think it’s fair to say that that’s a very bad thing.

  She isn’t looking at any of us except Ulric. He’s the one positioned facing the bonfire. I get the impression the rest of us are just sort of attached to him as far as she’s concerned.

  When the sorceress talks, she drags every other word out in a sultry, seductive cadence, “Ulric. My dear, Ulric. I absolutely loathe seeing you this way. Breaks my heart that you would throw your lot in with swine like these after all we’ve been through together.”

  He snarls a lip and growls at her, “I will break far more than that.”

  Her eyes get big when she lets out an evil little giggle and says, “Don’t tease me like that, Ulric!” Then she very slowly and very dramatically sashays toward him while thumbing the gem in her hand. When she gets to where he is, she crouches down and extends one finger out of her gem-fondling hand to trace the outline of Ulric's jaw. “You know, I always thought you and I were different, Ulric. That we could be different together. But I guess this proves that you can really no longer love anyone.”

  There’s a brief pause while my brain catches up with what my ears are telling it. “…Wait, what?” As soon as they’re all on the same page, I twist my neck to face Ulric. “Is she saying what I think she’s saying?” The vampire nods. “…You have got to be kidding me. You and her? What the fuck, Ulric!”

  He sighs and scowls at the ground. “It was before she took the ring from me.”

  Un-fucking-believable. It’s so ridiculous I actually laugh out loud when he says it. What a world. “So let me get this straight, Ulric. You and this sorceress were a thing. And then she stole your lifeforce and locked it away in her vault, making you her slave for all eternity. And now that you want to kill her for it, she’s acting like the two of you should still be together? Like in some weird, fucked up relationship?” He nods. “...Wow, that is as toxic as it gets.”

  “She only wanted me to retrieve the gem for her. That’s been her plan all along.”

  The sorceress leans away from Ulric with a big, hammy frown. “Now, you know that isn’t true. I cared about you. I still care about you. Which is why I can’t bear to watch you die.” Then she stands up and walks over to a white horse to climb up onto it. Once she’s seated, her gleefully evil disposition returns. “Who knows, you may even survive. That would be a real treat, wouldn’t it!”

  Then they all stampede off, leaving the five of us bound together on the ground. All our weapons still roasting in that bigass fire. Except Hellstorm which the guy with the horns took off with. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief at everything I just heard when a low growl from the thicket rudely interrupts my catatonic state. “...What the fuck was that?” We all whip our heads around to determine what the fuck it was. But of course it’s too dark to see anything beyond the fire. “Fallow, can you get these ropes off us?”

  The wizard grumbles, “I don’t have my staff. The empress even removed the gem that powers it.”

  There’s another growl from the darkness which prompts more frantic turning of heads. But still no determining of what the fuck it is. Tabitha yokels, “I don’t like the sound’ah that. We need to get on our feet.”

  “Yeah, no shit. Stop pulling on my hands. We all have to stand up at the same time.”

  I plant my boots under my ass and push. We start moving up and things look promising at first, but then we all fall back down on Fallow’s side when the old man’s knees buckle. The five of us land on top of him with a groan as the wizard cries, “Oh dear, someone is on my leg!”

  Tabitha says, “Well, it ain’t me!”

  Ulric barks, “I am on no one’s leg.”

  “Whoever the fuck is on the wizard’s leg needs to—oh shit it’s me.” As I’m shifting my leg off him, the thing doing the growling finally stops being shy and comes out to say hello. “...Oh crap.”

  “What? What is it?? I can’t see the critter!”

  This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

  “It’s a slug.”

  “A slug?”

  “Yeah, a big fucking slug. And it’s gonna eat us if we don’t all stand the fuck up. Everyone lean back and push!” I strain against the ground like I’m trying to squat all four of these fuckers at once. We all shove and kick and jostle against each other until we finally manage to make it onto our feet. Hard to believe, I know, but we’re actually making progress here. I have to catch my breath when it happens because this shit is way harder than you’d think it’d be. Especially tied to this sorry crew. Each of us is great at slaying monsters individually, but as a team we kind of fucking suck. I’m making a mental note to work some team-building exercises into our schedule if by some miracle we survive this thing.

  The slug is slithering around the fire and slowly opening its mouth. It’s got four rows of needle-like teeth that must be a foot-long apiece. Not that it even needs the things. As big as this slug is, it could easily swallow all of us whole. I’m not sure if that would be worse than being chewed to death but I don’t intend to find out either way. “Alright, now move!”

  Of course everyone tries running in different directions and we all fall back down on Fallow’s side. “Goddamnit, we need to all run the same way!”

  “Which way?”

  We get back onto our feet and the slug picks up speed. Its teeth get longer as its mouth widens. “Left!”

  “Whose left?”

  “Who the fuck you think’s left? My Left! I’m the one saying it!”

  We start shuffling our feet to the left but—goddamn—it is slow-going. There is no way we can outrun this thing the way we’re moving. “We’ve gotta cut this rope.”

  Tabitha yells from behind me, “How we gonna do that?” Good question. All our weapons are in the fire on the other side of the enormous, man-eating slug.

  Ulric asks, “Can anyone enchant the rope with fire?”

  “And burn us alive? Shut the fuck up, Ulric!” The slug is getting close. It’s leaving a slime trail a few feet wide behind it on the flattened undergrowth that it passed over. The slime glistens with light reflected from the bonfire. As hard as it is to walk attached to these morons, I can only imagine what would happen if we stepped in that slime and started sliding around.

  Actually, now that I think about it…

  “Everyone go in my direction!”

  “Your direction?”

  I tug on the rope to motion the nitwits forward. “Fallow, go left! Ulric, go right! Tabitha, you and Gabriella walk backwards. Now, MOVE!” Then we start to shamble our way around the fire to where the slug started from. This shit would be a lot easier if the sorceress had caught us in a big open field, but of course it had to be in the middle of a literal rat’s nest of thicket and brush. I can barely walk on my own in this mess. We’re getting better at making our way through it but the slug is slithering and drooling like it hasn’t eaten in a month and it’ll catch up with us quick if this plan doesn’t work.

  Shuffle.

  Shuffle.

  Trip. “Dammit, Fallow!”

  Shuffle.

  When we get to the slime trail, Tabitha lifts a boot up out of it and yelps, “Uck, what is this stuff?”

  I yell over my shoulder, “Drop to the ground! Put your hands in the slime and slide out of the rope.” We fall onto our asses and I move my hands all around to get a good lather of slug slime going. Then I pull and twist and wriggle my wrists as hard as I can.

  Gabriella is the first to get a hand free. She turns around and winces as she strains against the rope to yank her other hand out. As soon as it’s loose, she grunts in relief and then bolts over to the fire. The slug sees her and changes direction to chase after her. The rest of us are pulling and pulling and not accomplishing shit while Gabriella kicks Tabitha’s axe out of the fire and then pulls her sleeves down over her hands to pick it up. Then she races the long way around the fire, easily outrunning the slug now that she isn’t stuck to our slow asses.

  I can’t get my hands free to save my life. Even with the slime. Gabriella reappears on the other side of the fire after leading the slug on a chase around it. Then she makes her way back over to us and starts sawing through the rope with Labrys. I yell at her, “Come on, come on, faster!”

  “I am trying!”

  She frees Tabitha first. Then Ulric. They’re both disappearing into the darkness when I realize the slug is too close. “Stop! Stop! Get up! Move!” I jump to my feet while Gabriella drops the axe and runs. Fallow and I are the only ones still attached to each other.

  Of course it’d be him.

  The slug is now galloping towards us. I didn’t even know they could do that. “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! FALLOW, MOVE YOUR ASS!”

  “I am an old man! This is as fast as I—” He trips on the slime and drags me down with him.

  I scramble to my feet and yank on the rope to get the wizard going. “Fallow!! Get up! Get the fuck up!”

  Holy shit, he’s not moving.

  We’re both about to die.

  I can smell the slug’s breath, it’s so close. I press my eyes shut and wait to be chewed and/or swallowed as a giant helping of human-wizard gumbo. But then all the monster does is belt out a big, wet roar. I open my eyes and see Tabitha scaling the slug with Labrys jammed in its side. She’s using the axe to pull herself up. Her boots slide all over its slime-covered flesh but she eventually manages to drag herself all the way up on top of it. And now she’s waving her arms around with her feet in a wide stance to stay balanced, like she’s an acrobat in some deranged circus act.

  Once she gets her bearings up there, she leans over and yanks Labrys out of the monster’s side and then raises it way up over her head. Then she takes a deep breath, and swings it straight down with a “Hi-yah!” The blade sinks right into the slug’s flesh. It lets out an ear-splitting shriek and then Tabitha raises the axe up and lets it have it a second time. Then a third.

  After that, she swings and swings and doesn’t stop. She’s grunting and yelling while she hacks at the slug with everything she’s got. It does its little galloping thing to try and knock her off but it doesn’t work. She just keeps wailing on it with that axe while big chunks of goopy flesh get hurled into the air. Blood and slime are everywhere. It’s pretty fucking disgusting.

  The slug finally stops moving and Tabitha collapses onto her backside, panting and catching her breath while she smears blood off her face with the back of her arm. She’s absolutely drenched. There isn’t one part of her body that isn’t dripping with slime or blood or some other slugily fluid. I give her a nod and she gives me an exhausted thumbs up. And then I feel Fallow tug on the rope. “—Ow, my head! What happened? Oh, you killed the slug, how splendid.”