And now we’re right back where we started, in the entrance hall where the minotaur’s just managed to get its flaming fur under control. Smoke is still rising out of its singed face and chest and now the place reeks of burnt hair like you wouldn’t believe.

  On the far side of the room, the prince starts backing away toward the door when he sees us coming. Piper shouts at him, “Oh, no you don’t!” Then she takes off in a dead sprint with the crossbow pointed at his head.

  When he sees the weapon he freezes mid-backstride. “Oh, you must be joking.”

  I trail a few feet behind as she runs all the way up to him and pokes the bolt into his neck, piercing his skin and drawing a single bead of blood. “Take me to the vault!”

  “So you’re not joking. Alright, then. This way.” He somehow looks smug even when his life is being threatened. That takes talent.

  I’m watching it play out in utter disbelief when I hear metal clinking off to my right and it sounds an awful lot like the chain on Hellstorm getting let loose. My gaze veers in that direction just in time to see the spiky ball at the end of the mace bounce by its chain at the minotaur’s ankles. Then it raises the handle up to swing the weapon above its head. Around and around it goes until the chain is taught and the mace is flying in circles above the minotaur's head like some murderous windmill about to charge at me.

  I look back and forth and back again as Piper and the prince disappear down the hall. She’s got the crossbow pointed at the back of his head while she follows behind him. Apparently I’m taking on the minotaur with the spinning death-bludgeon myself.

  Guards have now found their way in. A dozen or so by this point, though it doesn’t seem like they intend to intervene. They’re all sticking close to the walls to watch and I wouldn't be surprised if I saw some turkey legs start circulating the crowd. I guess they don’t want to spoil the fun the minotaur is about to have with me. Or maybe they’re afraid of what’ll happen if they get in its way, who knows. In any case, they must not realize their prince is now in mortal peril down the hall with the crossbow-toting chaos-princess. Which makes me the diversion in this scenario. It’s a role I’ve yet to play in active combat so this will be a new experience for me. I would love if everyone would give me a minute to come up with a plan of some kind but before I can think long enough to string two words of inner monologue together, the minotaur rudely charges after me with Hellstorm still swinging above its head.

  The axe is not my strongest weapon. And considering the fact that this is just a garden-variety, non-enchanted axe, I’d say my chances of tangling with this fucker and coming out on top are pretty much nil. So I do what anyone with a shred of self-awareness would do. I hurl the axe at the minotaur and take the fuck off running.

  I don’t even look to see if it hits or not but by the sound of metal clanking against metal behind me, I’d say the minotaur used Hellstorm to swat the axe out of the air like a bug. I’ve made it about three more steps when the column to my right explodes into stone confetti. The minotaur must have thrown Hellstorm straight through the center of it. I get showered with priceless marble and go reeling to the side as the mace soars all the way to the far wall and gets embedded far enough into it that only about half the ball is still visible. I freeze and spin around to see the minotaur racing toward the wall to retrieve the weapon. It won’t be distracted long so I take off down the hall Piper and the prince disappeared into as fast as I can.

  It doesn’t take long to find them because they’re not moving very fast. Prince Travis has just opened a door and they’re both walking inside. Before I get to them, I hear an explosion that rattles the walls of the palace. It’s followed by lots of clanging and even more yelling from the hall I just ran out of. I look over my shoulder and see the wall where I turned the corner light up an angry shade of orange as another rumble shakes the palace. There’s only one thing I can think of that could be causing that kind of damage. I’d say this goes way beyond belches at this point and that someone’s done something to really piss Patches off.

  I turn back around and enter the door that Piper and the prince went through. There’s a stone staircase inside that I clamber my way down and then I’m finally getting an eyeful of this vault I’ve heard so much about. Or at least the big metal door that leads into it. In front of the door, the prince is talking to a guard that has a crossbow trained on Piper's head. It's far from the first time I've seen her life in imminent danger like this, but being a somewhat familiar sight takes none of the force away from the punch to my gut. I freeze and hope not to startle anyone into letting any crossbow bolts loose. After a brief back and forth, the guard lowers his crossbow to pull a key out of his pocket and I'm able to breathe again.

  I walk up beside Piper and shake my head at her with a stern throat-clearing. She ignores me and keeps her eyes on the back of the prince’s head. A few seconds later, a loud ka-lunk reverberates all around the room, and the door to the vault starts opening on its own. And this time, I’m pretty sure it really is magic.

  The door slides all the way to the side and then I’m looking at all the empress’s most prized possessions. I have no idea what most of this shit is, but I see swords and tomes and shields and jewelry and one very relieved mask hanging on the wall that smiles his biggest smile yet the moment I walk into the room. He says from his perch on the wall, “Oh Darion, what a wonderful surprise! Are you here to save me, then?”

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  I answer by running up and plucking him off the wall. Then I can't even get a word in edgewise because he won't stop yammering on about how he always knew I’d come back for him and how good it is to have friends in a place like this. I’m really not paying attention because I’m too busy frantically searching for Ulric’s lifeforce-ring-thingy. Of all the crap the empress has stashed away in this stupid vault of hers, the only thing I don’t see is a goddamn ring. After a few seconds of searching, I hear Piper yell from outside the vault, “Are you done yet? We should probably go!”

  “Just a second!” I hold Mazi up and interrupt his aggrandizing to check with him, “Hey, you know if there’s a ring in this vault?”

  His eye holes narrow. “A ring…no, I don’t believe so. Well, unless you mean an earring. Though, then I suppose you’d be looking for more than one of them, wouldn’t you? Since people with ears tend to have two of them and tend to wear rings on both their ears at the same time. Unless of course they—”

  “Sorry I asked!” Once I’m convinced the vampire’s lifeforce isn’t in the vault, I give up the search and take off toward the door. But first I grab the fanciest-looking sword I can find off the wall. I don’t know the story behind it but I can only assume it wouldn’t be in here if it wasn’t something special.

  I’ve got Mazi in one hand and the fancy sword in the other as I run out of the vault and tell Piper, “Alright, I got him.”

  Mazi’s eye holes go wide when he sees her. “Princess! What a delight it is to see you! You know, I really wasn’t sure whether our paths would ever cross again after—”

  “Dammit Mazi, we’re in kind of a high stakes situation here. I’m gonna need you to stop being so you for a few minutes and kindly shut the fuck up. At least until we escape.”

  “Understood.”

  I ask Piper, “So what do we do now?”

  Her eyes dart all around. “Uh, we get the heck out of here.”

  “Right, but what do we do with him?” I motion with my head toward the prince who’s now examining his nails with a nonchalance that's truly impressive given his circumstances. Piper just shrugs at me. I roll my eyes and decide for her, “Alright, we’ll take him with us. I think he’s probably our only way out at this point anyway.” She nods and then we head for the exit with the prince as our hostage.

  Once we’ve made it back up the stairs and out into the entrance hall, we find the place in absolute chaos. Everything—and I mean everything—is on fire. The flags, the drapes, the guards, the tables, even the minotaur is engulfed. Again. Though it doesn’t seem as bothered by it as everyone else does. The palace itself is made of stone so there’s no risk of the building coming down, but anything that's even remotely flammable is blazing. And there’s Patches, sitting in the middle of it with that fangy grin of his. He’s got his tongue hanging out and everything.

  I secure Mazi in Piper’s waistband and then we quickly but carefully wind our way through the inferno. I bend down to snatch Patches up when we get to where he is and tell him, “I didn’t mean it about the treats. You can have all the gold you want.” Then we force the prince to take us to a side door while everyone tries in vain to put the fire out behind us.

  Once we’ve made it out into the daylight, I tell Piper, “We won’t make it far on foot. We need a ride out of here. Come on, the stables are this way.”

  She lowers her eyebrows. “I know where the stables are. You know I’ve been living here for more than a month now, right? I’m surprised you know where the stables are.”

  “I uh…yeah good point, let’s just go.” After a few seconds of walking at what could barely be considered a saunter, I lose my patience and push my sword into the prince’s windpipe. “Move faster.” He does.

  The stablepeople all courteously move the fuck out of our way when we barrel through. Heather’s found her way here and she’s still got her armor on so I go ahead and climb up onto her. Then I whistle and pat my thigh to let Patches know it’s time to hop on up. Piper tells one of the workers to saddle another one up and let it loose, and then she has the prince mount it before climbing on behind him with the crossbow pointed at the back of his neck. She has to hold it to the side and lean back to fit the weapon in between them. Once she’s securely seated behind him, she orders the prince, “Take the reins. Get us out of here.”

  He picks up the reins but doesn’t do anything with them. “Right. And what assurances do I have that you won’t simply kill me the moment we’ve made it off of the palace grounds, hmm?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Well for one thing, I’m not you.”

  He scoffs. “Yes well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to do better than—”

  I slice through his coat sleeve with my new sword and tell him, “Unless you want to ride out of here with one hand, I suggest you do what the lady says.”

  He does as he’s told and we all make our way out of the stables.

  I didn’t get a chance to strap Patches in, so I have to hold him steady on my lap as we go. I’ve got Heather’s reins in my other hand and whip her when I need to get her caught up with Piper and the prince. When we reach the palace gate, Piper tells him to order the guards to open it up. And like the spineless prick he is, he tells the guards to open the gate and we all gallop out together. But before we do she gives him one last command; she tells the prince to order his guards not to follow us. And by some miracle, they actually obey. We ride all the way down the hill and not a single one of them chases after us. It’s when we’re halfway down the road that I realize—I did it. I actually did it. I finally managed to save Piper. And if we can get out of the city, it means we’re both going home together.