Day 12

  The Pink Gi of Shame is a cruel master.

  It has been three days since the Washing Machine—that churning maw of the water demon—betrayed me. My standard-issue ninja garb, once the color of midnight and shadows, is now the color of a cherry blossom that has been chewed by a sickly dog.

  To wear it is to walk the path of humiliation. To not wear it is to walk the path of nudity. Given that my Liege, the Princess Aoi, has strictly forbidden the latter within the shared fortress, I am forced to endure.

  I sat in seiza upon the tatami floor, meditating. I tried to visualize the pink hue as "The Camouflage of the Flamingo," a technique used to infiltrate tropical paradises. It was not working. My soul felt like a strawberry milkshake.

  "Masa-kun," Aoi called out from her futon nest. She looked like a swamp spirit rising from the bog—hair matted, eyes crusted with sleep. She extended a hand, holding a rectangular object. "Catch."

  Reflexes honed in the Iga mountains took over. I snatched the object from the air before it could strike the floor. It was a black slate, similar to her Oracle Slate, but its surface was spiderwebbed with cracks, like a frozen lake under pressure.

  "It’s my old phone," she yawned, scratching her stomach. "I finally charged it. Since you're going to be out doing odd jobs while I’m at lectures, you need a way to contact me. Can’t have you using smoke signals in Shibuya."

  I examined the artifact. The glass was shattered, clearly the result of a great battle.

  "A relic of war," I whispered reverently. "Did this shield your heart from an arrow, my Liege?"

  "No, I dropped it in the toilet while drunk at an izakaya last year," she said, rolling over. "Just use the Wi-Fi. I installed LIME. It’s the green app."

  I bowed to the device. A toilet drop. To survive the Crimson Scepter’s domain... this slate possesses a strong spirit.

  The Green Scroll of Instant Communication

  An hour later, I was fully engaged in deciphering the "LIME" mechanism. Aoi had departed for her "University" (The Scholastic Citadel), leaving me with the cracked slate.

  The screen illuminated with a blinding light. A green icon sat in the center. I pressed it with the tip of my finger.

  Suddenly, the slate convulsed in my hand. BZZZT. BZZZT.

  I nearly threw it across the room.

  "An ambush?!" I hissed, assuming a combat stance. I held the device by the corner, observing it warily. It vibrated again. Was there a trapped hornet inside? Or was the machine spirit shivering from fear of my aura?

  "Calm yourself, little spirit," I commanded. "I am your new master."

  I looked at the screen. A window had opened. It was a "Group Chat"—a gathering of minds in the digital ether.

  Group Name: Odd Jobs Crew ???

  Members: Aoi, Masanari, Kazu

  I narrowed my eyes. Aoi, I knew. Masanari, I knew. But who was this "Kazu"? A rogue element. A variable in the equation.

  A bubble of text appeared at the bottom of the scroll, accompanied by a sound like a dripping water clock. Ping-pong!

  Kazu: Hey Aoi! Thanks for the help with the notes today! You're an angel ????

  I stared at the symbols. My breath hitched. The air in the apartment grew heavy with my Killing Intent.

  I analyzed the message, dissecting it with the precision of a surgeon.

  "You're an angel."

  Flattery. A common tactic to lower a target's guard. He compares the Liege to a celestial being. While accurate regarding her authority, it is factually incorrect regarding her hygiene.

  But then... the hieroglyphs of war followed.

  The Winking Face ??

  One eye closed. One eye open.

  Why would a warrior close one eye? To aim.

  He is sighting her. He is looking down the shaft of an arrow, preparing to loose a projectile. Or perhaps it signifies duplicity—what he says with one eye open is truth, but the closed eye hides a lie. It is a signal of deception!

  The Red Heart ??

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  I gasped. The symbol of the pumping organ. The vessel of life blood.

  Why send a detached heart?

  Is he threatening to rip hers out? Is this a declaration of violence? "I will take your heart."

  Or... is he offering his own heart in a blood pact? A seduction? An illicit alliance to overthrow the current hierarchy of the apartment?

  "TREASON!" I shouted, startling a pigeon on the balcony. "This 'Kazu' seeks to usurp my position as the primary retainer! He aims to seduce the Liege with biological offerings!"

  The slate buzzed again. The enemy was relentless.

  Kazu: Lmao I’m dead ??

  Kazu: The party last night was lit ??

  My blood ran cold.

  "I'm dead" + Skull Symbol.

  He is utilizing necromancy? Or perhaps he is declaring that he is a phantom, unkillable by mortal steel? No... wait. In the context of a threat, a skull signifies death.

  "You are dead."

  He has marked us for elimination!

  "The party was lit" + Fire Symbol.

  "Arson," I whispered, horror gripping my soul. "He intends to burn the fortress."

  The wooden structures of this era are weak. The Fire Demon is a ninja’s most chaotic tool. This Kazu... he is no mere student. He is a saboteur from a rival clan. The Fuma? The Koga?

  I could not let this stand. I had to intercept the communication. I had to counter-attack.

  The Battle of the Keyboard

  I tapped the text bar. A grid of letters appeared. The "QWERTY" formation. A chaotic jumble of symbols with no honor or rhyme.

  "I must send a warning," I muttered.

  I attempted to type: Identify yourself.

  I struck the glass with the speed of a striking cobra. Too fast. My fingers, hardened by years of punching gravel to toughen the knuckles, were too broad for these tiny, fragile squares.

  Masanari: Idddddeeeeennnnttt

  "Curse these glossy buttons!" I growled. I tried to backspace, but my thumb hit the "Enter" key instead.

  Masanari: nttt

  Kazu: ?

  Kazu: Is this the roommate? The ninja guy? lol

  "He mocks me!" I seethed. " 'Lol'. What is this incantation? A shielding spell?"

  I tried again. Aoi had mentioned a technique called "Flick Input." I switched the keyboard to the Japanese layout. Nine squares. You must slide your finger like a blade to select the vowel.

  I swiped. I slashed at the screen. Left, right, up, down. It was like wielding a dagger in a phone booth.

  Masanari: Nu waaaa wo nn yrrr AAAAA §

  It was useless. The machine spirit rejected my touch. I was a warrior of the sword, not a scribe of the glass!

  Then, I saw it.

  A small icon of a microphone.

  "Voice transmission," I realized. "The Oracle Slate can carry my kiai directly to his ear."

  I held the button down. I brought the cracked phone close to my lips, trembling with the gravity of the moment. I channeled the voice of a General addressing a traitor on the eve of battle. I did not shout, for a true threat is spoken in the quiet register of the grave.

  "ATTENTION, KAZU-DONO," I rumbled into the microphone, my voice vibrating with dark promise. "I AM HATTORI MASANARI, SHIELD OF THIS HOUSEHOLD. I HAVE SEEN YOUR SIGILS. WITHDRAW THE SEVERED HEART SYMBOL IMMEDIATELY. IF YOU ATTEMPT ARSON UPON THIS DWELLING, I SHALL TRACK YOU BY THE SCENT OF YOUR FEAR, INFILTRATE YOUR QUARTERS WHILE YOU SLEEP, AND SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS WITH A RUSTY SPOON. THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION."

  I released the button.

  A sound played. Schwoop.

  The audio bar appeared in the chat. 14 seconds of pure intimidation.

  I sat back, chest heaving. The message was sent. The "Read" mark—the Kidoku—appeared instantly.

  "He has seen it," I said, wiping sweat from my brow. "Now, he knows fear."

  For two minutes, there was silence. The three dots of "typing" appeared, then vanished. Appeared. Vanished. He was hesitating. He was trembling.

  Finally, a reply.

  Kazu: Dude.

  Kazu: Lmaooooo your roommate is intense.

  Kazu: Is he a method actor? Is there a play happening?

  Kazu: Tell him I keep my eyebrows, thanks. ??

  I stared at the screen.

  The crying face.

  Is he weeping from terror?

  "Victory," I whispered. "He cries tears of submission. He claims he keeps his eyebrows, but he pleads with the laughter of a madman."

  Just then, the front door unlocked. Aoi returned, carrying a plastic bag of convenience store offerings. She looked at her phone, then at me.

  "Masanari," she said, her voice flat. "Why is Kazu asking me if you’re off your meds?"

  I stood up, adjusting my pink gi with dignity. "I have secured the perimeter of the chat, my Liege. The arsonist known as Kazu has been neutralized by verbal deterrence."

  Aoi walked over, looked at the chat history, and listened to the voice note. She closed her eyes. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

  "Masa," she sighed. "The heart means he's being friendly. The skull means he's laughing. The fire means it was fun."

  I paused. My tactical analysis... was flawed?

  "And the crying face?" I asked weakly.

  "Laughing so hard he's crying."

  I looked at the cracked phone. The modern world was a labyrinth of lies. Symbols meant the opposite of their nature. Skulls were joy. Fire was fun. Hearts were... just hearts?

  "I see," I said, bowing my head. "It is a code. A cipher of the civilian caste."

  "Give me the phone," Aoi said, taking it back. "I'm removing you from the group. You’re banned from LIME until you learn what an emoji is."

  "Wise," I agreed. "These hieroglyphs are too potent for a novice."

  She typed a quick apology to Kazu.

  Aoi: Sorry lol. He’s... really into character.

  "Come on," she said, tossing me a wrapped rice ball. "I bought tuna mayo. Don't threaten it."

  I caught the rice ball. "I make no promises, my Liege. If the mayonnaise shows aggression, I shall strike."

  I sat back down, watching the phone from a distance. It was quiet now. But I knew the truth. Somewhere out there, Kazu still possessed his eyebrows.

  And I would be watching.

  Masanari's Cultural Notes (Glossary)

  ? LIME (Line): The primary communication tool of the modern Japanese citizenry. It is a treacherous scroll that demands instant replies. The "sticker" (Stamp) function is particularly baffling—why send a drawing of a bear bowing when a written apology suffices?

  ? Kidoku (Read Receipt): The "Read" mark that appears when a message is viewed. In the ninja world, knowing your enemy has seen your scroll is a tactical disaster. It removes the element of surprise! Modern people suffer greatly from "Kidoku-Ignore" (Leaving on Read)—a form of psychological torture.

  ? Flick Input: A chaotic method of typing on Japanese smartphones. One must slide the finger in cardinal directions to summon syllables. It requires the dexterity of a master puppeteer. I prefer the voice shout; it carries more spirit.

  Countdown: 88 Days Remaining

  Next Episode Preview!

  "My Liege! The air itself has turned against us!"

  Summer in Tokyo is a beast hotter than the magma of Mount Fuji! Masanari faces his invisible nemesis: HUMIDITY! But when the magical box on the wall—the Air Conditioner—starts leaking water onto the tatami, Masanari diagnoses it with 'internal bleeding'!

  Can he perform emergency surgery on the AC unit before they both melt into puddles? Or will the repair bill end his legendary quest?!

  Next Time: Episode 13 - "The Weeping Box of Ice and the Sweat of a Thousand Suns!"

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