The first thing Dan noticed was that the interior looked like a pub from Lord of the Rings had been smashed together with the set of Sanford and Son. Natchez had a lot of thrift and antique stores and it looked like either Larry or Runt had raided all of them to find enough materials to put on the shelves and walls. Despite being new, it had that unique feeling that it had been there for years. It felt welcoming in a way Dan loved right off the bat.

  The second thing Dan noticed, as a goblinette escorted them to a table, was just how well dressed the goblins were. It was all tavern clothes but they had a livery, blue and white, and they all looked great. These goblins were different from the ones back home. They were, well, cuter. Their skin was a brighter green and they just looked like little people. Just with giant damned pointed ears on the sides of their heads. Maybe a little cartoony, but friendly.

  What he thought was chaos everywhere was actually a surprising level of balancing, acrobatics, and practiced movements. Platters and other things carried on heads. Plates thrown between servers like Frisbees without a single breakage. There seemed to be small siege equipment at the bar for some purpose Dan couldn’t fathom. No one in the place seemed to be in a bad mood, and Dan couldn’t help but smile at it all.

  Since there were six of them, the hostess brought them to one of the long tables. There was some kind of small stone tower in the center with a tea light on top. Dan was happy to see well built chairs instead of benches at this one in particular. They tried to sit him next to Candy, but some subtle shuffling got him at one end with Rob and Henry across from him and Shelly to his right. Good. He'd get the running commentary. He smiled to himself.

  Their waiter was a young goblin named Talwick. He seemed a little nervous but was extremely friendly. He passed around the menus and took drink orders. He gave them a warning before he left.

  “Guys, this is opening night so I apologize if the service is a little slow. We’ve got way more people than we expected and we’re doin’ our best.”

  Everyone assured him it was fine and that they’d wait patiently. Except for Candy, who looked annoyed at the friendly little guy’s presence. Dan caught Rob’s eye and made a slight nod to her. Rob nodded back. This would be her last trip out with them.

  Dan went over the menu while they waited for drinks. The menu selection was as chaotic as the decor. It seemed like they’d picked out the best things they knew how to make and just put it on the menu. There was a cartoon in the bottom corner of the entree page of a goblin with an under-bite and giant orange eyes with a word balloon. The balloon read, “Don’t see it? Ask! We might make it anyway!”

  As he was still looking, Dan heard his name and looked up.

  “Hmm?” He said.

  “Candy was just saying,” Danielle said, leaning around Shelly, “that we don’t think we’ve heard anything about you dating anyone.”

  Dan kept his expression neutral. He didn’t like talking about this normally. Shelly smirked.

  “To be honest, if I were twenty years younger I would have snapped him up myself. He’s the only one of you that keeps me on my toes.” Dan blushed.

  “Shelly,” Rob said with a flat stare, “if you were twenty years younger it would still be considered statutory.”

  That got a good round of laughter, for which Dan was grateful. It took the attention off of him for a minute. He liked Shelly. The idea of living with her biting sarcasm and a near permanent vape cloud was a turn off. As much as he liked the woman, it would never have worked.

  “When was the last time you dated?” Candy asked once the laughter died down. The stare she gave him was both hopeful and unnerving.

  “Before I moved here.” He said. “I was dating an elf.”

  The silent stares he got from everyone was pretty much what he expected.

  “How could you?” Candy said.

  Henry slowly turned to face her.

  “And what’s wrong with dating an elf, Candice?” the older man said.

  Rob leaned around him to glare.

  “Yeah, Candice. Something wrong with dating outside your race?” The look on his face was less than pleasant.

  Danielle was studying her menu intently all of a sudden and Shelly had a devilish smirk, waiting to see if there would be survivors from this.

  “Nothing! I just mean, uh, I mean. . .” Candy was floundering.

  Dan decided to cut her loose. Everyone saw what she was now.

  “Eh. It didn’t last anyway.” He said.

  “Was she too devout in her Greenman worship?” Henry asked, grateful to be moving on to something else. Rob still occasionally gave Candy a side eye.

  “Was the torment of knowing you were a mortal wear her down?” Danielle asked, hands to her chest. She was obviously imagining a doomed romance. Dan could almost see the thought balloon floating over her head.

  “Did she realize you were a childish buffoon?” Shelly asked.

  Dan let that one slide. He was going to give them the comedy answer. No reason to drag the truth out and ruin the night.

  “She was a kleptomaniac. She got us thrown out of or banned from almost every store in Cordova. I ended up driving all the way to South Haven for groceries. She wouldn’t do therapy either. “THIS IS MY ETERNAL NATUUUUUURE!” What a load of shit. I think she went back to the Everywhen.”

  Rob’s laughter drew every eye in the restaurant as he pounded the table. After that the rest of the table was Bedlam. Candy excused herself to go to the bathroom. She never came back to the table.

  Talwick finally made it back. He noticed the empty seat and was obviously trying to hide his dismay at lost tips. Dan would have to tip some extra. The goblin put on his business smile and soldiered on.

  “You guys know what you’re getting or do you need more time?”

  As he asked, a goblinette brought a tray balanced on her head and started grabbing their drinks off of it and handing them out. It was really impressive, Dan thought.

  “Rob, you go first, I got so caught up in storytelling I need a minute.” Dan said.

  As Talwick started taking orders, Dan studied the menu hurriedly. He was just going to have to stab a finger at something, he thought, then he saw the all day breakfast section.

  Apparently, this place did a full breakfast menu, but kept some items on for people who ate coffee for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. There were only four meals on it and when he saw “The Short Stack”, well, that decided him.

  He waited patiently for Talwick to make his way around.

  “And you, sir?” The goblin asked.

  “The Short Stack, please.” He grinned. He hoped the pancakes were awesome.

  “DO NOT order the Short Stack.” Henry said, holding his hand up to forestall Talwick writing it down.

  “But I WANT the short stack.” Dan said, confused by Henry’s sudden show of authority.

  “You do NOT want the Short Stack.” Henry said.

  Rob had a tiny smile on his face.

  “C’mon, Hank. The man just wants his pancakes. Let him have ‘em.”

  Dan looked at them both like they’d lost their damned minds. He turned back to Talwick.

  “Is something wrong with the pancakes? You can tell me. I’ll just order something else.”

  “No, sir. Nothing wrong with the pancakes.” Talwick said. He looked at Dan’s friends to see if they’d say anything. Henry gave Dan a level stare.

  “The pancakes are fine, Dan. You just don’t want the Short Stack.”

  Dan slapped his menu closed and handed it to Talwick.

  “This is stupid. Get me the Short Stack, my good man.” Dan said, giving the goblin a toothy smile.

  As the goblin bowed and made his way to the back, Dan watched a complex miniature trebuchet launch rolls from the bar to waiting diners. Dan immediately started to try to get their attention. He realized there was a light switch on the stone tower in the center of the table. He saw that every time someone turned on the little plastic beacon fire on top, the trebuchets would take aim.

  Dan flipped the switch. This place was fucking great.

  Mitzi was a goblin, and as such, worked at Runt’s. She was on break. It was opening day, sure, but her uncle, King Runt, knew the limits of a goblin’s useful energy. She’d taken a lunch and was catching up on some reading. Two more of the brood were at the other end of the table in the break room playing cards. She LOVED reading. Anything creative, really, but reading was what she had. Drawing had been denied where they came from.

  There had been precious little time to read in the Everywhen. Not that there were many books available to her there. Here though? There were so many she hadn’t known where to begin. Well, that wasn’t true. She’d started with The Hobbit. That had been a slap in the face. Some goblins might be like that, but what else were you supposed to do while employed by a dungeon master or a wizard? She sighed. Humans in the wide world continued to have racial memories of her people that were less than flattering. The elves certainly hadn’t helped with that.

  So there she sat with her boots off, and read the last book in her current series. It was by a lovely British man and one of the last ones he’d written had involved goblin rights. She adored it. She’d have to figure out a way to get another series to read. They were paid in cash and bartering wasn’t as common here. Except in a couple of the boutiques. Maybe they had something. She’d heard about Asimov and she thought robots sounded neat.

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  She set her book down and looked at the clock. Time to head back out. She got her boots back on and put her book on the set of shelves by the door for later. As she left the break room she adjusted her server’s dress. They were lovely clothes, but shoulder straps would have been a damned blessing. She’d rather be in the back running the deep fryer or something, but there wasn’t enough room or work back there for her. There WAS need of servers tonight though. And that DID mean tips!

  She waved at her sister, Bandy, as she headed to check ready orders. Bandy waved back and carried food out. The sisters looked similar. Bandy was a little more goblinish than Mitzi and had gotten mom’s pointed teeth. She kept her purple hair super short. She’d done a mohawk several times. For now it was a faux-hawk. If they had a real difference, Bandy was extremely outgoing. Mitzi was fine with being social, she was even good at it, but there were other things to think about.

  Together they’d managed to keep each other out of trouble over the years. Mitzi kept Bandy from getting her head smashed or split open. Bandy did the same, and kept Mitzi from being taken as a broodmare by the other broods. God, things were better in the wide world.

  Tonight was great so far. So long as they didn’t have another birthday on opening night. Or as long as some idiot didn't order a Short Stack.

  “SHORT STACK!” Talwick, her half-brother, yelled as he burst through the door with orders for his table.

  Mitzi’s ears wilted. She was on “Team Short Stack” for opening night. They always picked the most “humanly attractive” goblins for it. That meant her for sure. She had poofy purple hair, a good figure, and a face that people said was too pretty for a goblin. Even an elf had told her she was pretty once. He’d been trying to light her hair on fire at the time, but a compliment was a compliment.

  She walked over to wait for the pancakes to get done as Team Short Stack gathered. Most of them were excited to be doing this again. Short Stack was a hold over from the days at the tavern. It had been Runt’s idea. Mitzi was going to have to just bare her teeth and hope it looked like a smile. She looked at her dress again. She grumbled and adjusted it back down. She’d rather be wearing a burlap sack if it was Short Stack time.

  “Stupid pancakes.” She muttered. As Talwick was passing again, Mitzi grabbed his arm.

  “Does this person know what the Short Stack is?” She asked.

  “No, he doesn’t. A friend of his tried to talk him out of it. Now let me go, Mitzi. I have way too many orders. I’m due a break soon.” He said.

  She wished they’d succeeded in talking this guy out of it. She looked at Bandy, who came rushing back to join the team. She was smiling. Damn it.

  “Do you want to do the Polaroid or should I?” Mitzi asked her sister.

  “I’m on camera. You did it the last night of the tavern. I’m not letting you reset the turns!”

  “Damn it. Fine.” She grumbled. She tugged her sister’s dress down to a slightly less acceptable level. Bandy shooed her hands away and grabbed the camera.

  “How are you the only one on this group that hates doing it?”

  Mitzi just stared at her.

  “It’s humiliating.” She said. “Do you think they’d let humans do this? No. They’d have a union or something.”

  “Oh hush. You think too much.” Bandy said. Mitzi continued to grumble under her breath about how Bandy didn’t think enough.

  Once all the orders for that table were done and out, Mitzi picked up the stupid pancakes, put on what she hoped was a winning smile, and marched out into a world of embarrassment.

  Everyone’s order was out but Dan’s. He didn’t think sausage took that long to cook unless the goblins were killing their own livestock back there. As soon as he heard the rhythmic clapping, Dan knew he’d made a mistake. Henry gave him a sad look that screamed “I told you so”. The malicious grin on Rob’s face as he chewed his po’boy was off-putting. God. What had he just gotten himself into?

  SEVEN fucking goblins came marching up clapping. To his horror, they were mostly cute girls. Two had purple hair. One had his pancakes and one had a camera. Oh no. They were singing something in a language he didn’t understand. He could only assume it translated to “Get a look at this rube! Holy shit, he CHOSE this!” He realized he was subtly trying to slide under the table, when Rob kicked his leg. He stopped sliding.

  As he sat up, The goblinette with the camera popped between Rob and Henry, both of who were trying not to grin now, as the other goblins sat Dan’s plates down and took positions around him. He looked and Shelly was cackling. Danielle had a hand over her mouth but her eyes said she was smiling. The goblinette with the mass of purple hair set his pancakes down. She gave him a sympathetic look and he caught himself staring. No one told him goblins could be so pretty. He-

  “Say cheese!” The goblinette with the camera said. He whipped around and gave a nervous smile. Movement in his peripheral made Dan whip his head to the left to see what the pancake girl was doing. He was shocked when she kissed him full on the lips. Dan found himself kissing the girl back before he had a chance to think. For some reason he thought he suddenly smelled gum.

  THAT IS NOT A FUCKING CHEEK, Mitzi thought as the flash on the camera went off and she jerked her head back. The man just sat and stared at her. She felt stunned. She mouthed “SORRY” as she backed away, gave the most nervous smile of her life, and scurried back to the kitchen. Maybe Mitzi would have enough time to stick her head in the meat grinder before Bandy could reach her.

  Instead she ran right into the break room and sat on the small couch, hand on her mouth and eyes wide. She’d been doing this for two years on and off and never ONCE had this happened. His face was burned into her mind now. She could still feel it.

  Bandy came in a second later, closed the door and leaned against it.

  “Mitzi! Holy crap girl! Are you angling for tips?”

  Mitzi looked up.

  “I have never been so embarrassed in my LIFE, Bandy.” Mitzi said.

  “Why? He turned HIS head. It’s not your fault. You just did your job. He seemed as embarrassed as you did.”

  Mitzi sighed. Bandy was right. Bandy probably would have jumped the guy if their positions had been reversed. And not for a fight, either.

  “It’s still embarrassing.” Mitzi mumbled.

  Bandy shrugged.

  “It’s not your table. You don’t even have to be near him. Speaking of, not to be insensitive but we’re busy. You gonna be ok?”

  Mitzi hopped off the couch, shook her head to clear the cobwebs, and cracked her knuckles. Bandy was right. She’d be fine. She just needed to not think about it.

  “Yeah. You’re right. Fuck it. Let’s get back to work. I don’t have to even look over there.”

  Dan sat there staring at the space where the goblin girl had been. She’d said sorry and run off. The other girl with the purple hair walked in front of him, set a photo on the table, winked at him, and ran off. The other five goblins ran after them cheering.

  He just kept replaying it in his head. Rob coughed and Dan turned. Henry was shaking his head. Rob was holding in laughter. He seemed to get it under control.

  “So,” Rob said, “how’s the short stack?” That set the entire table off in laughter. He looked at Shelly, who dug in her purse and pulled out a small make-up mirror. She held it up and he looked at himself. A big, dark green lipstick kiss was on his mouth, right where he could still feel it.

  “I’ll be back!” Dan said and jumped up and made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t get as many stares as he thought he would, but he also had his hand over his mouth and tried to look like he was thinking really hard about taking a shit or something.

  He managed to get the lipstick off of his mouth. It didn’t get the act out of his mind though. Or the feel of her lips. Or her eyes. Or the smell of gum for some reason. No one told him goblins COULD be pretty. He slapped himself. He took some deep breaths. It was a dumb mistake on his part. He went ahead and took care of bathroom things, washed his hands, steadied himself in the mirror, and stepped out of the bathrooms, which were near the kitchen.

  And there she was.

  She saw him on her way back out and froze. He couldn’t stop looking at her. She kept staring at him. Most likely in shock. He walked to her slowly. He didn’t know what he thought he was doing. He just felt he needed to do something.

  “Hey. I’m Dan. I’m really sorry about that. That was all my bad.” Dan found himself saying. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, grabbed a bill, and knelt in front of her. He smelled spearmint again. Maybe she had gum. It was a very pleasant smell. It made him smile.

  She didn’t say anything. She was just staring like an animal in headlights. He reached out, took her small hand, put the bill in it, and closed her hand around it. He reminded himself to let her hand go. She had very soft skin. That surprised him.

  “You did nothing wrong. I didn’t know what I was ordering and I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I doubt that money is going to make up for it, but it would make me feel better if you kept it. Again, I’m sorry. I hope you guys have a really good opening night.”

  He stood and walked off with a small wave back to her. She never took her eyes off of him.

  Dan sat back down at the table. Surprisingly, Shelly was the first to speak.

  “Dan, I’m sorry. That must have seemed mean. I honestly thought you’d find that funnier than you obviously did.”

  He shrugged.

  “Tomorrow I’ll probably be laughing my ass off.” He smiled at her. He knew it must have looked hilarious. He decided to eat his meal while it was still warm.

  “I wish Candy had stuck around to see that. She would have died of shock.” Rob said, grinning around his po’boy.

  THAT got Dan laughing with his friends again. He cheered up remarkably quickly. He just kept going back to the goblin girl in his mind, though.

  Mitzi watched the man walk off. He turned and waved and then left. She waved back in a daze after his back was turned. He seemed nice. She looked down at her hand. He’d given her money. She unfolded the bill. $50 it said. She tried not to ogle, and stuffed it down the front of her dress, looking around to see if anyone had noticed. No one had. She went back to her work like a robot. Or what she thought a robot was like. Robotic smiles and small talk. Fifty dollars was the single biggest tip ANY of them had ever received. God. The books she could buy.

  It had been a mistake, though. Hadn’t it? The bill, she meant. He’d probably meant to grab a ten or a twenty. Obviously he’d want it back. He just didn’t want to ask in front of his friends. As the night wore on she watched him, and he never said anything. He never called for Larry or Runt. He never grabbed Talwick by the arm and pointed at her. He never said anything at all about it. He caught some rolls in his mouth from the bar, which was honestly impressive, but that was it.

  She snuck up to the till after a bit and spoke to Geraldine, the matriarch, and got her to change the fifty for five tens. She would just have to find him when he went to leave and offer some of it back. SOME of it back. He’d meant to give her something, obviously. No point in giving it all back, of course. That would be silly. He was nice, though. She didn’t want to cheat him. She could at least thank him. Right?

  When they went to pay, Dan realized his fifty was missing. He knew what had happened immediately and just shrugged. He’d meant to give her a twenty, but he didn’t care. The poor girl had looked so nervous and had seemed so embarrassed, she could have it. So instead he paid with his card and left a generous tip for Talwick as well. Despite the incident, he was ending the night in a good mood. He picked up the photo they’d left of him on the table and put it in his pocket.

  As they left, Rob clapped him on the shoulder.

  “Glad you came out tonight?” He asked.

  “You know what? Yeah I am.” Dan said.

  “Still want me to drag you out with us?”

  “Yep. I don’t think it’s going to be so hard to drag me though.” Dan said smiling. He hoped it wouldn’t, anyway.

  They stepped out of the building and were starting to cross the parking lot when they heard a feminine voice shout.

  “HEY! Uh, DAN!”.

  Dan spun, and so did his friends. It was the goblinette. THE goblinette. The one that was about the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. She was walking up. He went to meet her on the sidewalk so she didn’t have stand in the parking lot. His friends waited for him and watched.

  The girl stood there, hands on hips and waiting. He grinned and knelt again.

  “Yes, ma’am?” He asked, trying to keep the smile from his face. She didn’t look happy. He could actually see her much better in the exterior lights than he could inside. She WAS pretty. Not just “for a goblin”. He wished he could stop thinking that. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out five tens. He tried not to stare at the act.

  “You obviously gave me too much money. I have change now. Tell me how much you actually meant to give me and I’ll give you the rest back. She was grabbing one bill at a time and watching for him to say stop. He just shook his head.

  “No. That’s yours.” He said.

  She looked at him, her eyes wide. She was a goblin, so that was pretty wide.

  “But, that was a fifty. A FIFTY.” She said.

  “What’s your name, ma’am?” he asked.

  “M-Why?” She asked.

  “Because I don’t want to keep calling you ma’am. You’re probably nearly my age. Right?”

  She looked at him warily.

  “I’m twenty-five.” She said finally. “My name’s Mitzi.”

  “Mitzi.” Dan said. He was just smiling like an idiot he realized. “I was going spend that fifty tonight one way or the other. I gave it to you. It’s yours. Again, I’m really sorry about earlier. That must have been embarrassing for you.”

  “It was. I’m sure those guys back there gave you shit for it.” She nodded at Dan’s friends and he laughed.

  “Yeah. Not as much as you’d think, though. Anyway, thank you for being considerate about the money, but only an asshole asks for change from a tip. Have a good night, Mitzi. Stay safe.”

  “Uh, thank you. For, uh. . .” She waved the bills.

  Dan just smiled at her, stood up, gave her another wave which she returned this time, and rejoined his friends.

  He felt her eyes on him as reached them.

  “C’mon. One bullet could get all of ya.” He said and he ushered them back to walking.

  They made their way back up the steep incline to leave Natchez-Under-The-Hill. Danielle told him how sweet he had been about the whole situation. Shelly asked what she had to do to get fifty bucks. He told her EXACTLY what she could do to get fifty bucks. She laughed so hard she had to hang on to his arm.

  Dan’s friends had seen him to his building. He got inside and chucked his keys on the table by the door. He flopped down on the couch. He’d been more quiet on his way home. He’d been thinking about a pretty goblin girl kissing him. Even if it had been a mistake. . .

  He reached in his pocket. Dan had taken the photo with him. This was his first real look at it. He expected to look shocked in the photo. The poor girl would look mortified.

  “Mitzi.” He reminded himself out loud.

  They looked perfectly happy to be there. Or he was projecting. He had to be projecting. It’s not like he’d see her again. He thought of the smell of spearmint and decided to go to bed.