The next few days passed with easy discomfort.

  Vaarg wasn’t around.

  Which was weird.

  I figured either he was busy.

  Or the store ate him.

  Fifty-fifty, really.

  I walked in today, only to find Stupid sitting behind Vaarg’s desk holding a clipboard.

  “Beeg” she said solemnly, her face covered by the clipboard, “You’re late.”

  A solid Vaarg impression—ruined immediately by a giggle.

  I could see Ugly and It watching from behind a shelf.

  Ok then, I thought, schooling my face into a scowl.

  “I am not,” I responded with mock indignation.

  Another small giggle.

  “Yes you eez!” She insisted, raising her voice a little before clearing her throat. “Stupid - ahem - Boss writez eet on the back of a rat.”

  This time, I heard Ugly and It both snort.

  “Well, where’s the rat?” I demanded faux indignation written all over my face.

  This time, I didn’t hear a response, the poor goblin radiating confusion from behind her clipboard.

  I waited patiently.

  It eventually tossed a bottle at Stupid to jolt her memory.

  Or maybe just for fun.

  They must know I can see them? I thought.

  Going by the fact the two of them were giggling like toddlers, probably not.

  “Eetz ok!” Stupid shrieked, before calming back down. “We - Stupid - ahem, Boss has thought of a new way,” she continued solemnly.

  I raised an eyebrow in interest.

  “But first, Beeg must be punished. And as punishment, Snappy is going to EAT EEZ FACE!” She finished, shrieking and tossing the clipboard aside.

  I drew up short.

  What?

  It and Ugly jumped out from behind the shelf, opening a bag in my direction, Snappy our resident Workman’s Comp flying out - directly towards my face.

  I woke up gasping and covered in sweat.

  Except I didn’t.

  That is what would happen to a normal person. Instead, I actually had to dodge the face-eating contraption.

  Because that’s just how my life is now.

  ——

  As I finished wrangling up our latest case of Workman’s comp, It reached up and patted my back.

  I knew my double pay incident was forgiven.

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  And it wasn’t even double pay, I grumbled.

  I couldn’t deny it felt good to be back with the crew.

  Without warning, the bell that announced a poor customer who had gotten lost and wandered in, sounded.

  Except, it wasn’t a customer.

  It was an absolutely massive Bugbear that stooped through the door.

  Ugly, It and Stupid all blinked at me.

  The Bugbear straightened to his full height.

  He looked directly at me, drawing a breath to speak before -

  “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Stupid positively belted out. I thought she had been loud before.

  She was much louder now.

  And she just kept going.

  Sitting there.

  Mouth open.

  Screaming. Without breathing.

  I looked at the Bugbear.

  He looked at me.

  I looked at Stupid.

  She was looking at the Bugbear.

  Still screaming.

  Not moving.

  Almost a full minute. I looked at Ugly and It, only to find them gone.

  Even the cloaks from Aisle Two were missing.

  Stupid cut off mid-scream, launched off the desk, and vanished down an aisle like a goblin-shaped firework.

  “Beeg! It eez the cops!” echoed behind her.

  I gave a sorry smile to the almost 8 foot Bugbear.

  “Welcome…officer? How can I help you?” I greeted him weakly.

  “Name’s John” he responded, his voice several octaves higher than I would have expected.

  He sounded like a mouse.

  If I had a way to bottle it, I could sell it as a dog toy.

  The look on his face dared me to say something.

  I didn’t.

  “Got reports of a lizard in black robbing shops around here the other night,” he squeaked out.

  Silence.

  “Oh…no..that’s terrible?” I responded weakly. “Any idea what he looks like?”

  His eyes narrowed in. “Oh, so it’s a he is it? Very valuable information indeed,” he proceeded to pull out a tiny notebook and write in it - with surprising deftness.

  “No - I don’t know if it’s a he!” I choked out, “I just thought it more likely to be a guy?”

  He looked at me. “Sir, have you not heard of Molly the Midnight Mugger, the Meanest Most Maleficent Menace?”

  I digested that one for a moment.

  “No?” I responded weakly.

  Surely it wasn’t Molly from Asset Procurement.

  Surely.

  He snapped his booklet shut. “I am going to have to perform an inspection,” he said, heading towards Aisle Three.

  Because of course he would go to Aisle Three.

  The store was going to eat a cop.

  And I was going to be an accomplice.

  “Officer!” I choked out, catching up “I don’t know if - “

  “I am looking for anything that looks stolen,” he continued squeaking, peering with great intensity at the items on the shelf.

  “Thankfully, I am not seeing anything right now,” he concluded, moving down the items.

  I drew up short.

  The item he just looked at was definitely stolen.

  So was the next one…I’m pretty sure the next one was too.

  Who am I kidding? At this point, I’m pretty sure Vaarg can afford the insanely high paychecks because he had absolutely no overhead.

  John the cop proceeded past every stolen item on the aisle, stating each of them as clean.

  The store pointedly did not eat him.

  The AP team was right, I realized in horror. Everyone knows they do it…and let it happen.

  I watched as the Bugbear glanced at his feet repeatedly, as if expecting the floor to open up and devour him.

  Which it was known to do here.

  “Welp - everything seems to be in order,” he declared loudly, turning and marching towards the door.

  “If you hear anything, let me know-”

  He left without turning back. Or even leaving a card.

  I just stood there with my mouth open.

  And almost felt ashamed that I found it so funny.