If you’d told me that the person who had to calm me down after I tried to kill him like an hour ago was someone I had to calm down now, I would’ve called you crazy. It turned out I was the crazy one for thinking a crazed fool like Dante wouldn’t unintentionally try his best to become the king of hypocrisy. The chainsaw shark didn’t even want to fight him, but that prick just had to make the fight more difficult than it had to be.

  The crazy part was that the monster wasn’t even worrying about Dante despite the forcefields flying toward it. It was currently chasing me on the roof of the hotel, its chainsaws ripping through the concrete tiles. With the shark and Dante’s attacks following me, this wasn’t a one-on-one fight anymore. This was a one-on-one-one fight. A goddamn triple threat…

  “Dante, we’re supposed to be working together, you idiot!” I screamed, ducking under the shark’s attempt to decapitate my head. My body twisted, and I ended up behind the beast, its trench coat flapping in the wind like a cape. Using that chance, I grabbed its coat and threw the animal into a collapsed water tank on my far left, water gushing out of its holes.

  “Water!?” the shark shouted, quickly scurrying out of there. “I hate water, man! Don’t you know all sharks do?”

  There was gonna be more where that came from, my hand charging an energy blast, but one of Dante’s bubbles crashed into me. I tumbled across the roof until my body finally skidded to a stop at the edge, just shy of falling over.

  “What the hell are you hitting me for, Dante!? This ain’t a triple threat match at Madison Square Garden. We’re supposed to be a team! Especially for an enemy like this where I’m its only target.”

  “Shut up! Dante’s already in a team,” Dante shouted, soaring onto the roof, encased in his forcefield. “Yeah, and we don’t need your help!” He landed on his feet as his barrier shattered, green energy swirling into the hole of his pistol. “We’re gonna turn your ass into fist paste, sharky!”

  He fired. The shark barely flinched. Its blades flashed, deflecting the energy bullets like they were nothing. The rounds clinked uselessly to the ground. The ones that weren’t blocked ended up in the animal’s mouth.

  “You're playing with the big boys, ugly,” the shark exclaimed, its chainsaws turning green. “And we didn’t ask for a third player!”

  Dante pointed his palm at the space above the shark’s head, and a large arrow appeared out of thin air. All this did was feed the shark’s hunger, culminating in a chainsaw energy slash that nearly cut me in half. You’d think Dante would be next on the chopping block with the way he recklessly charged right at the beast with an energy sword in his hands, but it showed him mercy, effortlessly grabbing the fool by his neck.

  “C’mon, dude,” the shark snickered, the chainsaw on its nose retracting back inside. “If you wanna die so bad, then do it yourself. It is totally not cool to use someone else as your little escape plan.”

  “Stop picking at our brain!” Dante snarled, dangling in the air.

  “Our? You’re the only h…” The shark smiled, its tail wagging like a dog under its coat. “Oh, I see. You got a little case of DID, huh? That scarred half must be scrambling your brain. You can’t decide between what you want and what the other half wants you to do.”

  “We said stop!” Dante attempted to stab the shark’s skull, however, the shark swiftly clenched his arm and opened its mouth. It should've absorbed the energy by now, and yet the sword didn’t leave Dante’s hand.

  “What the heck? Why isn’t it going in my mouth?”

  “You want it in your mouth? Here! Deep throat it as much as you want!” Dante thrust the sword down, piercing through the shark’s snout along with the bottom of its mouth.

  The shark roared in agony, punching Dante off of him. “That is so not cool!”

  With the shark distracted, I used that chance to shoot one last energy bullet at its leg. It landed, blood bursting out of its thigh.

  The animal glared at me and gritted its teeth. “Alright, I’m done playing with you, zombie dude! I’m going to totally tear you limb from limb and drown you in the blood of everyone you love after I eat them too.”

  “Well, I’m a zombie, so I can’t exactly dr-”

  “Chainsaw City!”

  Suddenly, chainsaw blades started to pop out one by one from under the roof, debris scattering across the floor. The annoying sound of whirring steel grew even more incessant as buildings around the hotel were torn apart by the spawning chainsaws.

  The hotel seemed to be next on the list. The concrete titles were about to turn into concrete strips, and I needed to get the seemingly unconscious Dante out of here before his face wasn’t the only gruesome thing to look at. I jumped out of the way seconds before a blade could slice through my crotch, then bolted towards him.

  “You’re not going anywhere!” The shark’s blades grazed my torso, putting a stop to my movement.

  “I’d apologize for making you trash your spot, but…” I landed a couple of strikes on its chest, knocking it back. Considering it never once tried to absorb anything from other parts of its body besides its mouth, I knew hitting him would be safe. “I assume a shark’s brain is too small to comprehend the context of an apology!”

  The beast regained its bearings, shaking its head like a dog. “First of all, that's a common myth. Sharks actually have pretty big brains. Second of all…” It jumped at me and slashed the part I was standing on, forcing me to hop to a different position. “I'm not just some random shark! I'm Megalodon!”

  “So is that your name or like your species?” I asked, genuinely confused.

  The shark wiped the smile off its face. “It’s my name, silly zombie dude. Everyone knows megalodons are extinct.”

  “I mean, I already knew that. I might’ve dropped out of high school, but I’m not that dumb.”

  “Well, you won’t have to worry about your dumbness once I skewer you like a kebab!”

  Chainsaws from the Earth below us stretched above the hotel and speeded at me. I tried to sidestep, but the building had finally reached its limit. Everything crumbled, and the three of us began to fall. I knew I’d be fine. Unfortunately, Megalodon would probably be fine too. It was that frustrating bastard I needed to worry about.

  Taking a nap on a falling tile wasn’t my idea of good sleep, though Dante was really proving me wrong with the way he wasn’t waking up…

  “Wake up already, asshole!” I jumped from slab to slab until I eventually reached the unconscious man. Then, I leaped out of there, dust erupting from what used to be the hotel.

  Minutes passed, and I spent that time weaving and dodging the many saws that tried to dice me up. I believed an entire hour passed, and I spent that time… doing the exact same thing.

  Fortunately for us, I finally found a spot where I could find some damn relief—a sidewalk in front of a toy store and a broken fire hydrant. For some reason, the saws didn’t follow me here, as if they had a limitation on where they could go.

  Good for me.

  “Dante! I'm tired of carrying you around!” I slapped him twice, though that didn’t work. “C’mon. You’re the only guy here that can recharge me. Do you really want me to lose that badly?”

  I was starting to think this asshole was actually dead. That would've been fine with me in the past, but I needed him alive right now. Water was gushing out of the fire hydrant, and I thought that maybe a cold shower could wake him up. I carried him over there and slammed his face against the water. After a couple seconds of waiting, I was relieved to see that my plan worked.

  “What the hell are you doing to us!?” screamed Dante, clawing at my hand. “Let us go right now, Master Jerome!”

  This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

  “If you insist.” I tossed him to the concrete. Immediately, he got back up and tried to activate his ability, but I grabbed his hands before he could.

  “You think you’re hot shit because you figured out our one weakness? Let go of Dante so we pulverize that clown!”

  I nearly crushed his hands. It wasn’t hard enough to actually do so. I just wanted him to get the message. “Listen here, you piece of shit! I’m out there busting my ass to keep you and I from becoming shark food, and yet you’re trying so hard to have that happen anyway. What the fuck your problem!?”

  “You don’t understand… You wouldn’t understand,” he growled, his eye dilated. “We’re… I’m a freak! I already had people in the Underground looking at me with fear in their eyes, calling me names and other shit. People I used to donate money to can barely look at me. I can take it from you because I know I’ve done wrong by you, but a shark, a man-eating shark, is calling me an ugly freak now? That’s bullshit!”

  “Jesus Christ, this shit again? I thought I already explained why this shouldn’t matter to-”

  “Yeah, I already know that you’re a zombie, so you magically have more problems than me. But, guess what? It’s still not easy to accept that this is who-what I am now. I mean, you heard that shark. The the was fucking… analyzing my head or something. I have problems that I can’t fix.”

  “It’s not just me! Dante, you’re living in a post-apocalyptic world full of zombies and mutated animals running wild around the Earth. I’m a talking zombie, my daughter has a virus that infects other humans, Jesus is a man who only wears underwear and a horse head, Flash is a talking rabbit, Moonlight talks to and understands animals. Oh yeah, did I mention that we are literally fighting a talking shark who has half the city held hostage by chainsaws?”

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is that this whole world is filled with freaks right now, and you’re just a guy with a facial injury. In the grand scheme of things, you’re just average.” My grip loosened a bit. “And even if you still consider yourself a freak, you have to take that part of your identity and turn it into something good. The day I became a zombie was one of the worst days of my life, but it was also the day I realized that this power could help me protect… fight with Sunshine. You need to find whatever that good is for you too.”

  Dante was silent for a moment, his eye softening. Then, he smirked. “In other words, beating that shark’s ass will be one of the good things that come out of this. Good thinking.”

  “Uh, I guess that's one way to interpret that…”

  “Alright, you can let go now. You must really like holding my hand with how tight your grip is.”

  “Hell nah, man,” I said, throwing the guy’s hands to his side.

  He shook his hands around. “I know I, the guy who technically turned you into a zombie, shouldn't be asking you a question like this, but do you… like being a zombie now?”

  “Like I said, if being like this allows me to be ‘alive’ with my daughter, then I’ll accept my new life for what it is. I know I’m Jerome the Type Two Radion now. Are you gonna be the Dante who sells prostitutes to slavery and torments the innocent or are you gonna be Dante the Two-Face who helps me kill a chainsaw shark?”

  Dante raised an eyebrow at me, taking his quarter out of pocket. “You know, it was your kid who suggested I use a coin to decide on hard choices. Her calling this devilish half of mine ‘cool’ was the only reason I was able to tolerate… like being around her during that time. But…” He threw the coin at the store’s window. “I won’t rely on some prop for my decisions, and I want to take pride in the fact that I’m a freak so that the people I take down can cry at the fact that a freak like me took them down. I’ll… No. This scarred version of myself and I will decide our choices by ourselves. We’ll use this problem I have and turn this shit into power.”

  I believed that was the first time I saw both halves of Dante’s mouth move. Before it would be one or the other.

  “Just in case a musclehead like you didn’t understand all that, let me translate. Me. Like. Be. Freak. Now.”

  A kick to Dante’s gut quickly set him straight. “Now that we’re done with that, how the hell are we beating the shark currently rampaging through the city?”

  “Well, I do have one way,” he said, a small orb floating out of his pocket. The orb flashed and then disappeared, revealing Geremiah’s head was inside. “If we’re able to catch him with one of the Afro asswipe’s techniques, then we can…” Dante’s eyes widened as he stared at the head. “When did that… When did that future fried fish on my dinner plate absorb the energy out of this thing?”

  “Wait what?”

  “Yeah, you can’t use energy sense to see it, but this head’s been sucked off dry.” He placed the head back in a bubble. “We didn’t need that bastard’s power anyway. I got a better idea and it involves shark boy’s weaknesses.”

  Shark boy? Well, I guess calling Megalodon an “it” wouldn’t make sense considering his voice. “Oh yeah. I noticed he couldn’t absorb my body when I punched his chest. He can only absorb energy with his mouth.”

  “Yeah, no shit,” he said with a condescending smile. “He has two actual weaknesses we’re going to exploit. One, he can’t absorb any energy that we’re holding. Remember when he was confused as to why he couldn’t absorb my sword?”

  I nodded. “So basically, all you need to do is hit him somewhere fatal with that sword trick of yours and we win.”

  “Someone’s gonna hit him, but it won’t be me.” Dante pointed a finger at me. “It’s going to be you, Master Jerome.”

  “Why me? Don’t you remember the last time I tried to hold and reshape energy? We nearly died. Hell, it’s the only reason that shark wants to kill me.”

  “Oh, I remember it very well. However, don’t forget that you held that ball for five seconds before it started going apeshit. Use your imagination and make something you can kill sharky with. Then, destroy that bitch in the five seconds you can hold it together. I would do it myself, but that monster is destroying me in a physical altercation.”

  That last part was definitely true. “What's the second weakness?”

  Dante turned his attention to the leaking fire hydrant.

  “There is no way a shark’s weakness is water. I thought you were smarter than that, Dante.”

  “It’s not really that he’s weak to it. The big guy fears it. Hydrophobia. Can you believe it?”

  “A shark, a fish that literally swims in water, is scared of water? Impossible. Absurd. I’m pretty sure he was swimming in that nuclear pool.”

  “Exactly. He was all fine and dandy in a pool tainted with nuclear energy, but when he fell on that water tank, he got real scared. Didn’t even wanna lay his ass on it.”

  “I guess that makes sense when I put it like that. But how the hell are we supposed to get that water to the shark?”

  Multiple mini forcefields flew out of Dante’s pockets and into his hands. “I am very glad you asked that.”

  ******

  While chainsaws were in the middle of slicing through the concrete around me, I was seeing just how high I could jump. The former hotel to my right was about three stories tall before it got shredded. Without holding back, my highest jump was about a story higher than that.

  “Perfect,” I said, landing back on the ground. I destroyed a few saws that were coming my way. “Now, let’s see if sharky will take the bait like a nice fish.”

  I looked at the sky and screamed “Megalodon!” as loud as I could. After that, I launched myself into the air, energy gathering in my cupped hands.

  “Fatherly Beam!”

  The second my blast shot downwards, a burst of sharp pain exploded in my leg.

  Megalodon had taken the bait, but it cost me my damn leg, the ooze surrounding the bone quickly entering the monster’s mouth. Without that green goop as a layering, I couldn’t move my leg. Although, that wouldn’t be a problem soon. My attack tore through the Earth, sending us both into the hole.

  “There isn’t anything left there, you greedy fuck!” I snarled, slamming my fist on the wound Dante had made on Megalodon.

  “Believe me, zombie dude. There’s plenty more for me to swallow!” A chainsaw spawned out of his snout, puncturing my throat. The shark then opened his mouth, his teeth mere inches away from my other leg.

  Gritting my teeth, I pushed through the pain, keeping his jaws from snapping shut. Megalodon’s teeth sank into my hands, sending a fresh wave of agony through my arms. Then we hit the floor—hard. Luckily, the impact stopped him from doing any more damage.

  I pulled my hands out of the confused monster’s mouth and gave him a brutal uppercut to his chin, sending him spiraling across the place Dante and I planned on getting him to.

  A water park. Specifically, an indoor water park under that same destroyed hotel resort. And what did every water park have? Well, the answer was in the name. An answer that I noticed the shark figured out as I hopped to a slide.

  “W-W-What the heck!?” The monster screamed, his voice riddled with pure fear. “I’ve been here for months. I didn’t know a place filled with so much… water was even down here!”

  I saw Dante float towards Megalodon in his forcefield from behind. I didn’t blame the shark for not noticing him. After all, he was currently trying his best to swim out of the water. I bet the chainsaws weren’t making that easier.

  “We’ve heard the best way to get rid of your fears is to experience it at its fullest, but we understand if you need a little help with that.” The two-face formed a bubble around Megalodon’s body and lifted him up. “It’s time for round two, fish paste.”

  The slide I was crawling inside of was one of those long, pipe ones that take you all the way into the pool. The perfect cover for someone that stood out like I did.

  “Ah, so you and the zombie dude are finally working together, huh? You’re already an ugly guy, but I was hoping you wouldn’t combine be stupid with that too. Don’t you know I can absorb this?”

  I was only able to hear their words while I slid down. I couldn’t be seen either, so it was up to Dante to time this part of the plan perfectly.

  “Yeah, you could just absorb that and punch our ugly face through a wall. However, there’s a whole lot of water below your feet and your a shark who somehow can’t fucking swim. Then again, it is your call at the end of the day.”

  I heard an aggressive growl and I couldn’t tell if that was from Dante or the actual animal.

  “What the heck do you want from me, Two-Face!? Do you want me to eat so badly?”

  “No, but we do want to kill you though.” I heard the sound of energy transforming.

  “Ha! That little arrow isn’t gonna hurt me, dude. You see, my guard was totally down when you stabbed me. That’s the only reason it happened. I’ll be ready this time.”

  “I’m certain the next attack will get rid of you for good, sharky.”

  I was beginning to see the light.

  I heard something zoom through the air as the sight of green entered the end of the tunnel. I stuck my hand out, absorbing the energy and healing my leg.

  “Haha! You missed!”

  Dante chuckled. “That energy wasn’t for you.”

  Energy blasted out of my feet, rocketing me towards Megalodon. The forcefield disappeared moments before I grabbed the beast by his trenchcoat and dragged him upwards with me.

  “Zombie dude!? This isn’t gonna stop me either!”

  I felt the energy from my feet get sucked up by the shark’s mouth, causing gravity to send me downwards. However, I wasn’t done just yet. I slammed the shark’s mouth shut with my fist while I released more energy out of my other hand.

  1

  I thought back to the one weapon I believed my body would allow me to easily create, the memories flashing one by one. The machete I used against those zombies three years ago or…

  2

  “Hammer!”

  3

  Energy coalesced in my palm, shifting, shaping—until a massive hammer took form. I swung without hesitation, bringing it down with all my strength.

  The impact detonated on contact, an explosion tearing through the air.

  “Nice choice of weapon… Saveer.”