It was decided that I would ride with Winthrop on the way back. I thought he’d take Ben instead, but Ben didn’t complain and instead rode with one of the knights.

  I was too tired to care. I instantly fell asleep with my head slumped against Winthrop’s chest. He had his arm around me and though he tried to be careful of the still tender wound running along my back, it was hard to avoid with all the jostling from the ride. My sleep wasn’t a peaceful one.

  For some reason, I dreamed of my first run as Joan again. I always hated doing chores as Steve, and it wasn’t any better when I became Joan. I couldn’t bear getting up so early in the morning, every morning and doing cleaning, especially in the barn. Often, during those early months, I’d do the barest minimum, shoveling a few scoops of dung and then dumping one pail of water over the ground. After that, I would jump into the hay and fall asleep.

  Once, Mamen caught me. We were alone then, and instead of yelling at me again, she sat down beside me on the hay. Tears were trailing down her cheeks. I didn’t know French then, but after I did, those words came to haunt me. “I’m sorry, my little marmotte,” she had said to me. “I know this life is hard. And I know from your eyes that you’re tired of it. Sometimes, I am too.” She ran her dried, calloused fingers through my yellow hair entwined with hay. “But this is our life together. Can you bear it for just a little longer, my little marmotte? I need to hold on to you for a little bit longer.”

  Even after all these lifetimes, I wanted to deny it was a game. She was real! She had to be! They had to be! And yet, each and every lifetime, the feeling got stripped away, like bark from the raw wood.

  Tears rolled from my eyes and I felt a warmth pulling me close.

  —

  Winthrop gently woke me when we arrived at the front door of the House. My eyes were puffy, and my body was sore. The pain in my back wasn’t much better.

  Everyone dismounted. I slipped off the saddle, and as Winthrop caught me, my eyes registered an anomaly. A carriage by the portico had an emblem I hadn’t seen before: that of a standing bear holding a sword, quite a bit different from our eagle and tulip.

  A cloak was draped around me, and our weary procession shuffled into the House, looking grim and in shambles. Instead of rushing over to us, the head maid and the chamberlain stood stiffly at attention. Father stood in the center of the Foyer. Shafts of the morning sun shone down upon him from the skylight above, highlighting his neatly trimmed black suit jacket with silver tassels.

  His grey eyes were hard when they met Winthrop’s. “You’re late!” Then they narrowed as they roamed over the rest of the banged-up knights. “What in the blazes happened?”

  “We were attacked.”

  “Who would dare?!”

  “We don’t know. But we caught a few of them.” Winthrop’s eyes shot behind us to the knights dragging a few tied up men forward. “They’re foreigners, so someone wants to be discreet.”

  The Duke bared his teeth, inhaling sharply, but the lines on his face softened a little when he saw Ben. He didn’t glance my way at all.

  He turned to a figure in an elegant pastel-green dress, glowing softly under the shafts of sunlight. “My apologies, dear. But let me introduce you to my family.”

  He swept his arm over us, stopping as he called our names. “This is my half-brother, Winthrop, tutor and commander here at the Estate, and a Peer of Combat Arts at the Tower.”

  “This is my daughter, Josephine de Bloomcrest. And this is my first son and heir, Benjamin de Bloomcrest. We call him Ben.”

  His hand swiped past us to the woman standing beside him. Her fiery red hair and emerald eyes matched the vibrant green of her dress well, especially under the sunlight. Her face was youthful, though reserved. She couldn’t have been more than twenty years old. “Everyone, this is Elise of House Blackstorm. As of today, she’s joining our house as Elise de Bloomcrest. She will be my wife, and to you children, your new mother.”

  “What… no!” Ben protested in distressed panic.

  Winthrop stepped up immediately, sinking down on one knee. “My Lady, I would like to extend my warmest welcome to you. If you have any needs of me, do not hesitate to ask.”

  There wasn’t a hint of surprise on his face.

  He knew. Of course he did.

  Was that what this trip with Ben was all about? To give him one more chance with his sister, before a new mother took over? Was this what Mama was worried about this morning when she was talking with Winthrop?

  Well, she didn’t need to worry one bit.

  I don’t care.

  I stepped forward and did my best controlled curtsy, sinking low. “I welcome you as well, Lady Mother.”

  A tremor started in my chest, spreading through my limbs until my whole body was shaking. It took me a moment to remember that child was inside of me. She must have surfaced because she found out her mother was being replaced, only to be greeted by the still-fresh images of all the killing I had done—that of me stabbing that young man in the throat, and blowing out the brains of the lord.

  A sharp intake of breath pulled my head up. “Why are you dressed like that? That isn’t the way of a chaste young lady at all!”

  My eyes snapped down to the bare leg extended out past the slit in my dress, the one that young man had cut open. Long and bound by muscles, with that pale, steel-iridescent skin of mine, the leg must have looked utterly alien compared to most children.

  No wonder she looked appalled. Though I wished she hadn’t mentioned ‘chaste’. Now there was another thing added to my [Virtuous] condition, and my face was turning red along with the shaking.

  “No! My sister got cut up trying to defend me. Don’t you dare insult her!” Ben’s angry eyes, however, weren’t directed at Elise but at the Duke.

  “That’s enough, Ben!” The Duke snapped back hard at him.

  Winthrop scrambled to get away. “Leo, she’s injured still. Let me take her to the healer.”

  Elise placed a hand on The Duke’s arm. “No. It was my presumption. Please dear, let me take her there.”

  It seemed that she also wanted to escape the brewing storm between father and son.

  —

  “You aren’t like what they’ve told me at all.” Elise spoke leisurely, as we walked down the hallway toward the House infirmary.

  I was a few steps behind her with the cloak still wrapped around me. I pulled it tighter over my shaking body, trying to soothe that child inside of me, wretchedly curled up against the scenes of slaughter from all sides.

  It just takes time.

  “Under that mess, I can see that you really are striking. And your words are refined, surprisingly so…” She was still talking, probably to herself. A hint of anxiousness lined her voice. “But yes, with some new help, I’m sure we can polish you up to a shine.”

  When her words sank in, I stopped in my tracks. “Don’t you dare.”

  My words jerked her around. “Excuse me?”

  “You can do as you wish in this household. I don’t care. But if you dare to touch any of my attendants, I will crush you.” My words cut like ice smoldering with white steam.

  She recoiled. Her back hit a wall and she nearly fell to the floor.

  My voice is steel when I’m angry.

  When we entered the infirmary, the old healer raised his head. He trudged over to me with a heavy sigh. “My Lady, what happened this time?”

  I threw off my cloak, revealing my cut-open dress and the gash running down my back. “A curved sword, close to thirty inches long, with a half-inch edge.”

  Walking over to the bench, I sat down, leaning against the desk beside it. “Oh, and metal shrapnel that stabbed through here. It might’ve had some rust.” I pointed down at the side of my waist.

  Elise stumbled backward, hand covering her mouth, and fled the scene.

  Once she was gone, Beatrice rushed in with a mug of warm milk and honey in hand while Mama sank down beside me, chastising me with a disapproving glare. But she held my hand.

  —

  After my wounds were examined, cleaned, and dressed, I was allowed back in my room to rest. I was glad for my usual isolation because I was sure there was chaos in the rest of the House.

  Are Father and Ben still fighting?

  I shrugged and reclined against the pillows piled against my headboard.

  Ben can take care of himself. And if not? Hopefully he’ll come to me now.

  Lifting the mug to my lips, I took a sip. The creamy sweetness coated my tongue, and flowed easily down my throat.

  Too soft. Too spoiled.

  We had lost men today. Usually, I’d be out there with a rosary in hand and prayers on my lips as they were buried in the ground. That was the virtuous thing to do.

  No, that was another life. A different me.

  I collected my thoughts and opened my status screen.

  Other than the stats increase from leveling up, not much had changed except for the 3 skill points.

  I focused on the skill points and a new screen unfurled before me.

  As with the status screen, focusing on each skill would show more details on them.

  Reviewing the new skills, the weapon masteries allowed me to use those weapons with a slight bonus of 5% to [Atk] and damage. It was strange since I could use my sword just fine in the battle. The sword mastery wasn’t available, but maybe I could acquire it in the wild through practice.

  [Focus Cast] would basically increase my spell damage in exchange for mana, and [Disrupt Cast] would disrupt an opponent’s spell, but only if I knew the spell myself.

  [Mind Mastery] would increase the effectiveness of my mind spells, which probably meant that [Dazzle] would be even more impressive.

  And the spells, all of them sounded interesting, but the [Seduce] spell didn’t even sound like something my condition would allow me to cast. As for the shadow spells, I could probably acquire them by playing around with shadows. Though I wondered why I hadn’t gotten the [Shadow Fist] yet, since the [Shadow Fingers] was basically a hand, and I definitely made a fist with them before.

  I was hesitant to spend the points because there were only three of them, and a part of me still wanted to hoard them—a vestige from Steve’s old gamer days. I’d rather gain them in the wild if I could.

  [Mana Armor] was a spell that I’d already read about in a book, so I was sure I could acquire that spell naturally. I had read about [Seduce] as well, but that was in the locked part of the library.

  The only spell that I was unsure about was [Drain Touch]. I hadn’t read anything that mentioned drain spells, and I couldn’t even imagine how to form it through magic. The detail on it was interesting.

  The tempting thing was that I could actually use this as a heal. It might be splitting hairs, but there was nothing out there that mentioned draining life from enemies was an unvirtuous thing.

  I took the chance and selected [Drain Touch]. It appeared in my list under [Dark Spells II].

  Hmm… I wonder if I could use it with my shadow fingers. That’s technically touching.

  Next, I looked through my bracelet’s inventory slots for those [Novice Items], which appeared as the icons of a flower, a pot, and a heart. I brought them all out.

  The first item was a rose, and I identified it as:

  Ah yes, I was in a dating sim.

  As I turned it over in my hand, the flower’s thorns pricked my fingers, and Anthony’s face appeared in my mind. He wouldn’t be a little boy anymore, but I was sure he still had the same green hair and golden eyes.

  That one will burn me for sure.

  The pot I identified as a [Magic Stove].

  The descriptions in this game could be awfully tacky sometimes. I tried to remember the cooking I had done as Joan. I’d never been a chef in all the lifetimes where I ran away from the village, and on the campaign trail, I’d wisely left the cooking to the men. Back home, my sister Catherine and Maman would forcefully kick me out of the kitchen whenever I tried to cook because they knew how deadly my cooking was.

  The last item was a heart-shaped ruby. Unlike the others, the Identify from my [Demonic Insight] failed on it completely. I held it up to the candle light and admired the way it cascaded sparkling red light all over me. It seemed like just a pretty gem until I was about to return it to my inventory. As the ruby came close to my bracelet, its jade centerpiece started blinking. I moved the ruby closer.

  Plink!

  The jade vanished, the vacant spot it left behind instantly sucked in the ruby. The bracelet turned silver and became a new item!

  The shock of seeing the new item threw me back against my pillows. Then the updates kicked in.

  The numbers didn’t seem right at first, but then I realized this was relative to the bonuses that the previous bracelet had.

  After that, a series of messages flashed before my eyes, one after another.

  I blinked, not quite comprehending at first. But then I thought back to the fight. The Valiant Fist were veteran adventurers, and they had trouble even hitting those attackers. That young man, I had identified him as level six. And the lord, he had two question marks for level, so he must have been at least level ten.

  But I only gained one level…

  A sickening sensation sank in the pit of my stomach.

  I had been robbed!

  No, that wasn’t quite right. Thinking back to that slice across my back, the lord had obliterated my shield. His attack rating showed three question marks, so it must have been in the triple digits. He should have killed me right then, or at least sent me home by triggering the bracelet’s protection.

  Then what would have happened to Ben and the others?

  I shivered, and it was not due to [Virtuous] kicking in.

  The door creaked open, and Mama entered. I didn’t bother to hide the items on my bed, since I didn’t keep things from her.

  She sat on the edge of the bed, her weight shifting me closer. “Winthrop told me what happened.” Her fingers ran through my wet hair. “I know what you must’ve thought at the time. That your bracelet will save you, right?”

  I didn’t deny it. She knows me well.

  “You can’t be so reckless. Magic can be unreliable, especially items given by the whimsical gods. I can’t lose you.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. There was no way I could outrun them. Maybe if I learn an escape spell… I’ll look at more books.”

  She patted my chest. “Calm down Jo. I didn’t mean to chastise you. Rest. You had a long day.” She arched an eyebrow at the pot and the flower. “What are these things?”

  “More gifts from the whimsical gods,” I said, picking up the metal pot. “I really don’t think I will ever use this thing.” It disappeared as I sent it to my bracelet. Mama didn’t blink an eye because she’d seen me do it before. “But…”

  I picked up the rose and turned it over in my hand. “Mama, this is for you.” I thrust it over to her.

  She is my special someone after all.

  She chuckled, a soft and warm sound, pushing my hand back. “You will find someone later to give it to. It’s for a different kind of love.”

  The rose disappeared into an inventory slot. I seriously doubted I’d find anyone like that, not with that condition. Joan had never found that kind of love, not in all her lifetimes.

  I had come close once, and that ended in disaster.

  Mama seemed to mistake my reminiscing for sadness over the rose. She scooted in closer on the bed. “No, you will. I’m sure of it.”

  I shook my head and laid my head in her lap, settling my cheek against the linen of her dress. “Just let me stay by you.”

  “You still want me to stay here overnight?”

  When I’d asked her to stay earlier, that child was still a trembling presence inside me. Being held by Mama usually calmed her, but she had receded now. I had no excuse, not really.

  I nodded.

  “Alright, I will hold on to you for a little bit longer then.”

  My eyes squeezed back tears.

  Please let her be real! She isn’t Maman, I know, but I want them both to be real.

  Please, whatever whimsical gods, let me hold on.