The truck slammed over a root and nearly shot them into the canopy. Branches whipped the windows. The forest blurred into green streaks as Kotetsu roared down a trail no earthly vehicle had any business attempting. Gravel and dirt shot up around them, the wheels tearing up earth as they roared through the forest.

  The elf girl clung to the door with wide, startled eyes. “What manner of beast or carriage is this?”

  Cletus wrestled the wheel, teeth clenched. “This is a truck. Built for hauling lumber, junk, and today apparently one elf lady and her problems.” He jerked his chin at the dashboard. “His name is Kotetsu.”

  Behind them, a fading cloud of dust swallowed the shouts of the orcs. Their silhouettes were already shrinking into the trees.

  She pointed toward the disappearing shapes. “You probably want to know why they are chasing me.”

  “Nope. No, ma’am. I do want to know why you are being chased by orcs.” He took a hard left, sending pine needles spraying. “I just want to know where the nearest town is.”

  She pushed her hair from her face and tried again. “At least allow me to tell you my name.”

  He didn’t look at her. “No. Absolutely not. That is the first step down a very stupid road. You are bad news. I already know it. You are walking temptation with a capital T and maybe some A. I am not falling into that trap again.”

  Kotetsu growled as they shot over a rise. The forest kept rushing at them.

  And Cletus kept his eyes fixed dead ahead, refusing to admit he might already be involved.

  Kotetsu rumbled thoughtfully, gauges flickering. “Her interest in you is increasing, Cletus.”

  Cletus groaned. “Why would you say something like that right now?”

  The elf girl jerked upright, scandalized. “I have said nothing, m’lord. I have obeyed your request to remain silent.” She pressed her hands together as if awaiting trial.

  “I didn’t command,” Cletus said. “I requested. Politely.”

  Kotetsu’s engine hummed. “Your heart rate is elevated when she looks at you. Her heart rate is elevated when you look at her. Correlation suggests a developing attraction.”

  “Shut up, Kotetsu.”

  Kotetsu chimed softly. “Cletus, I should clarify. Only you can hear me. The elf girl is unaware of my comments.”

  Cletus dragged a hand down his face. “Well that’s just great. Now she thinks I’m talkin’ to myself like some kinda lunatic.”

  The elf girl straightened, nervous. “M’lord, I swear I said nothing. I have remained silent as you asked.”

  “I know, I know,” Cletus said, waving a hand. “I wasn’t talkin’ to you. I was talkin’ to…”

  He stopped himself before admitting he was arguing with his truck.

  Kotetsu added, “You may tell her I am a spirit of guidance if you wish. Many worlds find that explanation comforting.”

  Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

  “No,” Cletus said sharply. “That is definitely worse.”

  The elf girl looked between him and the windshield with wide, uncertain eyes. “M’lord, are you certain you are well?”

  “I was,” he muttered. “About three hours ago.”

  The forest trail curved sharply. Cletus focused on keeping Kotetsu between the trees, the engine roaring like it wanted to bite the world.

  Then the sky cracked open.

  Something huge and dark hurtled down through the canopy, shattering branches and exploding into the trail ahead. Kotetsu screamed a warning through his dashboard lights.

  “Brake!” Kotetsu shouted.

  “I’m doin’ it!” Cletus hollered, slamming his boot down.

  The truck skidded through leaves and dirt, fishtailing before grinding to a smoking stop. The elf girl pitched forward and caught herself against the dashboard with a startled cry.

  When the dust settled, the thing in front of them rose to its full, impossible height.

  An orc, but larger than any from the pack behind. Nearly eight feet tall. Armor made from mismatched metal plates. Skin the color of swamp water. Tusks that curled like knives. One yellow eye and one that glowed a deep red.

  He planted a massive axe in the earth and roared triumphantly.

  “At last!” the orc bellowed. “The runaway Princess of the Silverwood reveals herself! And her pathetic human suitor dares stand in my path!”

  Cletus blinked. “I ain’t her suitor. I don’t even know her name.”

  The elf girl whispered, “Princess is… technically accurate.”

  Cletus threw his hands up. “Of course it is.”

  The orc leader slammed a fist against his chest. “By decree of Lord Vorgath, she will be delivered to him unharmed. And you, little human warrior, will suffer for your interference. I shall rend your limbs, feast on your marrow, and mount your head upon a pike as a tribute to my master!”

  Cletus stared at him with flat disbelief.

  “Why y’all always do this?” he said. “All this talkin’. Threatenin’. Listin’ things off like some kinda murder itinerary.”

  Kotetsu’s engine hummed with amusement. “His confidence level is high, Cletus. Tactical assessment: three seconds of monologue remaining.”

  “Hold on tight, yer’ Highnessness.”

  The orc raised his axe over his head, voice booming. “Prepare for agony, mortal! Prepare for—”

  Cletus leaned out the window and shouted, “Hey!”

  The orc froze, startled mid-pose.

  Cletus pointed at the ground. “You’re standin’ in the middle of the damn road.”

  The orc frowned. “What?”

  Cletus hit the gas.

  Kotetsu surged forward so hard the elf girl squeaked. The orc’s eyes widened. He tried to finish raising his axe for the dramatic downward swing he’d clearly rehearsed, but he only got about halfway before Cletus and two thousand pounds of irritated Japanese engineering plowed directly into him.

  The impact produced a noise somewhere between a wet thump and a dropped sofa.

  Kotetsu barely jolted. “Obstacle cleared,” he announced.

  Cletus blinked at the windshield. “Cleared? Kotetsu, we just committed a hit-and-run on a fantasy warlord.”

  “My sensors indicate he is still moving,” Kotetsu replied.

  “Still alive, huh?”

  The elf girl twisted in her seat. “He LIVES?”

  “Unfortunately,” Kotetsu said. “He is lodged in the undercarriage.”

  A furious muffled roar erupted beneath them like someone yelling through an entire mattress.

  Cletus winced. “Aw hell, he’s gettin’ travel-mugged.”

  Kotetsu’s tone remained eerily calm. “Recommend increasing speed. Friction may dislodge him.”

  Cletus stomped the accelerator. Dirt and leaves exploded behind them as the truck shot down the trail. The elf girl clung to the dashboard like the world’s prettiest airbag. “M’lord, what is happening?”

  Cletus didn’t take his eyes off the path. “We picked up a hitchhiker I don’t wanna talk about.”

  Another roar vibrated through the floorboards.

  Kotetsu reported, “His anger level is increasing.”

  “No kidding!” Cletus yelled over the engine. “We supposed to just keep draggin’ him like a tin can off a wedding bumper?”

  “I project dislodgement in three seconds,” Kotetsu said. “Two. One.”

  With a final metallic scrape, the orc leader shot out from behind them, tumbling through the dirt in a flailing ball of tusks and rage. He rolled to a stop far behind them, struggled to one knee and shook a fist in helpless frustration.

  His furious bellow faded as they outpaced him.

  Cletus let out a breath he’d been holding. “Well. That’s one way to handle a villain monologue.”

  The elf girl gaped at him, stunned into wide-eyed silence.

  Kotetsu hummed. “Her interest in you has increased further.”

  Cletus slapped the steering wheel. “Damn it, Kotetsu! Not the time!”