Our guy says something like you want me to do what?
The voice: You heard me. I want you to help us to break China’s mind control spell that’s hypnotizing the children of this country. They have their TikToks and their Omegaverses and we’re headed for dangerous times. We need you to stop them.
He tells them that he doesn’t do that stuff. That he’s just a humble gardener and officer of the church.
They get into a back and forth while the voice tells him he’s special and their only hope and he keeps saying he’s not their man. Eventually to the voice says: you have a particular set of skills greater than anyone else on this planet and it’s the perfect counter against mind control. You know what I’m talking about.
He winces because yes he does know what they’re talking about and he knows that they’re right. If there’s one thing that can wake up the people, it’s his newsletter. But isn’t he already writing a newsletter exactly for that reason?
That’s right, the voice says, and you’re doing a good job. The voice tells him that they’ve been monitoring the behaviors of the readership and some have stopped buying bread boxes and even started playing Go. But that’s not enough, and so, we built you… this!
And then the floor of the giant hanger opens up and out rises a giant mechanical beast. It’s full of thousands of cogs and wires and levers and nuts and bolts. It’s scary but also cool. It looks like it breaths chrome and eats electricity and he can hear the particle accelerators vibrating inside. It doesn’t move. He walks up to it and then takes a seat. He doesn’t even know if it’s a chair he’s sitting on but at the same time he just knows. And then he stretches out his hands… and begins typing.
Clank clunk clink goes the giant machine. A million bits and bobs move about as he types. Each one a piece in his beautiful symphony. When his hands stop moving he looks at what he wrote and marvels.
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
“Straight Razors
They’re not hard to use and you can buy a good one for less than $30 and then all you need to do is buy a pack of 50 blades for $5 and you’re set. You can use each blade 4 times because you can use both sides and flip them so that’s 200 uses with a single pack. That’s gotta be something like five cents a shave meanwhile Gillette rips you off charging you ten bucks for a pack of three that don’t even fit in the razor handle you have at home.”
It’s as if part of his soul lays on the page.
The voice explains that this machine will allow his newsletter to reach more people but by using it he will be targeted by many nefarious forces that will try to stop him. And although he would rather die than stop speaking truth to power, those nefarious forces would come after his girlfriend and therefore she has to be kept hidden and that’s why she was kidnapped. He says he understands but he still needs to see her. The voice tells him they can let him speak to her on Zoom but her location must remain a secret for her protection. He agrees and then on one of the walls is projected a giant Zoom call with his girlfriend at a beach somewhere.
She starts talking to him but he’s busy looking in the background for clues. It’s a cold beach and in the background there are touristy looking people eating sandwiches. No, not sandwiches, doners. They look tasty and yet — he sharpens his eyes.
Are you listening to me, she asks.
Hmm? Yeah he says. He asks her if she likes it where she is. If she feels safe. She says she does and he takes one last look at her chocolate brown eyes and raven black hair and olive skin. And then he says he’s breaking up with her.
