“Anyone here ever watch Capsaiders? Show of hands? Yes, my people! My brothers and sisters! Pepper Posse, represent! For those of you who haven’t seen it, let me just tell you what you’re missing out on.”

  “That was some wild shit, wasn’t it?” said Fu. “You whacked that thing in the face and then you literally, literally played cat and mouse all over the cell! You are straight up crazy, dude! In all the right ways!”

  The solution to our housing insecurity was simple, as it turned out. G-Tech headquarters, all the way up on the big L10, had an attached barracks. Chris made a quick call, then confirmed that Wally and I could both stay there as long as we needed. A few representatives from G-Tech would go over to our old apartment and collect our personal effects. We warned Chris how stubborn our landlord was, and he hinted at how persuasive a tier 3 sorcerer could be.

  And that’s how I went from being a broke nobody to having a corporate sorcerer put the squeeze on my landlord for my spare hoodies. All in the space of a few hours.

  We piled into several G-Tech vans and took one of Gigopolis’s giant car lifts to topside. It was a boring but prestigious way to pass between levels, reserved for emergency vehicles and people with more money than sense. It was “faster” than weaving through the three-dimensional maze of ramps, but its actual climbing pace didn’t exactly tickle the tummy.

  Wally and I rode in the back of one of the vans. I was wearing a borrowed v-neck with the G-Tech logo. Its cleanliness stood out against the rest of my grimy, blood-soaked exterior. Chris was in the passenger seat and Tessa, his Lieutenant, was driving.

  “And then the little bitch raked you and you fell down, but you were playing it, right? I bet you were playing it, making it think it had you so it’d be too distracted to see when Chris came in like POW! That was a smart move. Damn, that looked like it hurt though. Did it hurt?”

  Fushigi somehow ended up next to me. In fact, she’d caught the door as I started shutting it and mumbled something about there not being room anywhere else as I scooted over. She spent half the ride excitedly chatting about the events of the evening. I got the sense she was decompressing.

  “Hurt like absolute hell,” I said to her question. “How about you? Did you get hurt in your suit thing? You looked a little banged up when we cracked you out of there.”

  Silence.

  “Fu?”

  Light snoring.

  So, she was a zonker. One of those people who could practically fall asleep mid-sentence. I looked to my other side at poor Wally, who also fitfully dozed, his head hanging forward. It was way past his bedtime.

  I sighed, settling into the sudden quiet, when something bumped into my shoulder. It was Fu’s head. I experimentally shifted my position, but her cheek remained planted against me, and her mouth hung wide open. I decided to let it be. It was actually kind of cute, sweat, grime, and all.

  Except when the snoring got louder. And when she started drooling.

  [She’s rather pretty too. Miss Tetsumi, I mean.]

  ?Oh, Shones.?

  [She’s not quite as…] I don’t know how it’s possible to convey a sleazy pantomimed cupping of the hands across a purely verbal mental link, but my lecti somehow did. [...as Miss Faxton. But she seems fun.]

  ?Is that all you wanted to say??

  [Actually, no. Listen, Mr. Fulgen, we need to discuss the future…]

  ?No. You know what? You listen. I busted my ass off tonight. I risked it all. I barely had any idea what I was doing. I was outclassed. I faced a Shones damned devil cat that could vent heat and think tactically. And while I wasn’t the one who stopped it, I freaking survived. I don’t know much about sorcerers or tiers or this damn system, but I bet there are a lot of tier one or just-turned-tier-two sorcerers who wouldn’t still be sitting here right now.

  ?So I don’t want to hear any more of this ‘finding someone more suitable’ bullshit. I am the Fire Guardian. I’m the damn Fire Guardian, and these people want me to be the Fire Guardian, not someone else. So I’m going to keep being the Fire Guardian until I decide I’m not up to it. Until I’m ready to quit. Is that clear??

  [Uh… er… well, if you’d have let me finish I would have told you I was very impressed with your performance tonight. That you distinguished yourself in the face of overwhelming odds. And that therefore, I have decided I will no longer press to replace you as the Fire Guardian at this time. I am content to watch you develop for now, and to guide you, and to see how this G-Tech venture goes. I was even going to tell you that skidsticks are kind of awesome after all.

  [But now I won’t, because you ruined it.]

  ?Oh. Ok, then. So, we’re good??

  [Sure. From a certain perspective. Now, pull up your damn menus.]

  My new tier upgrade came with some fancy new skills. Heat Sense behaved almost like infrared goggles. At least, that’s what the world started to look like when I activated the skill. The people around me showed up in reds and yellows against a backdrop of blue and black. I could sense them even when they were outside my field of vision or when my eyes were closed, though they were a lot less distinct—basically warm blobs I could feel as if they were little heaters. Now that would be handy. Sneaking up on me would be a lot harder, and I wouldn’t necessarily need a fireball to find my way around next time I found myself in a dark hallway.

  If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  Command Fire would let me manipulate an existing fire, causing it to either intensify or weaken. The effect would be stronger on a fire I started. Using this I might even be able to extinguish a distant fire with a thought, which really fed into the whole “Not burning shit I didn’t need to” paradigm I was leaning into. Plus, come on, clapping fire on and off from a distance was just rad.

  Before we locked in the real inaugural skill that would forever cement my relationship with my lecti, he insisted that first I needed to lock in the boon I had earned for my Benevolent achievement. Oddly enough, he would regret that decision.

  Shone Gibermo, protector of children and patron of healers, is moved by your kindness, and has awarded you the Benevolent achievement for spending a precious starter pack in pursuit of healing others, despite being a damage-focused class. In thanks, she has offered you one of several ways to improve your own chances of survival. Select from one of the following five boons:

  Resilience Bonus: Increases your Resilience by 15 points, unaffected by penalties.

  Improved Fire Absorption: Your Fire Absorption efficiency and capacity will be increased by 25%.

  Spice Absorption: Consuming foods and beverages rich in spicy compounds—including but not limited to capsaicin, allyl isothiocyanate, and piperine—will increase physical and aether regeneration, providing both an immediate boost and a lingering effect.

  ‘Robust’ modifier for Rekindled Flame: Reduces the Resilience penalty for Rekindled Flame by 5%, and increases the healing and aether regeneration bonuses by an additional 5%.

  Heal: Your Minor Heal Other skill will be upgraded, and you may now use it on yourself.

  [There are some very good options here. However, the clear winner is the upgrade to Rekindled–]

  ?Oh hell yeah!? I mentally shouted, mashing Spice Absorption and locking it in.

  There was a long pause. [Why… just why?]

  ?Do you have any idea how much spice I put away? I can barely eat ice cream without hot sauce. It’s one of my obsessions. This skill turns something I already do into something that empowers me. It’s perfect!?

  [It’s one thing to select an offbeat skill. Hell, you’ve used Heal Burns twice already to great effect! But this is a gimmick, Jett! You spent a rare and valuable boon on a gimmick of a skill! How will this work on the battlefield? You can’t pause to eat a meal!]

  I thought for a moment. Which I maybe should have done a little sooner. ?I could carry chili peppers. In a pouch or something. Some of the hottest ones are tiny, and I bet they’d be the most potent for me. I’ve eaten them like candy before. I have a freaking chili pepper tattoo!?

  [I… well, I suppose that could work. We’ll have to experiment, of course. Hmm. You continue to surprise me, Jett. Now, are you ready?]

  ?Ready for what??

  [For me! It is now time for you to name me, and to choose my appearance!]

  ?Oh. Yeah. Hmm. This is a major decision, huh? Not gonna lie, I haven’t had much time to think about this.?

  [Just relax and concentrate. The right name will come to you. Inspiration will strike. Now, I will attempt to form before you.]

  My focus shifted away from my menus and back to the van. My sleeve was damp, but Fu’s head had lolled the other way. Outside, the sky—the real, actual sky, which it occurred to me I hadn’t seen clearly in a couple of years—was starting to turn gray as the lift neared its destination. And in the air in front of me, a bright orange shape no larger than the palm of my hand began to form. It was fire, but it undulated slowly and chaotically, shifting through shapes almost like a cloud. I reached out, and I could feel no heat. My hand passed right through it. I studied its mesmerizing movements for several moments.

  [What do you see? What do you feel?]

  ?I see…?

  I squinted at the ever-changing shape. For a moment it took on an oblong shape, pointed at one end and rounded at the other. And I don’t know if it was our recent conversation, or the simple fact that I had that exact shape tattooed on my chest, but I immediately knew what—and who—I was looking at.

  I whispered the name reverently, reaching out like I was taking back something that was lost. Which, in a sense, I was.

  “Habby!”

  “Gekikara Senshi Kapusaida!”

  I was eight years old. It was almost my bedtime, but my favorite show was on: The Capsaiders. They were a team of ultra-powerful, ultra-spicy chili warriors—their heads were chili peppers and their bodies were humanoid—and they battled aliens and ancient dragons in a neverending, ever-escalating quest to reach the next Scoville level.

  It’s hard to properly express just how awesome the show was. I had seen all 300+ episodes multiple times, I’d played the video games, and I had as much merch as I could get my grubby little hands on.

  On the TV, the intense drama played out.

  “Jolu, what shall we do? The Wasabi Gang will find the last seed and destroy the entire planet unless we do something quickly, but they are too powerful for us to defeat!”

  “Do not worry, young Jala! I have been training with Master Pimiento and have perfected my Jigoku Enrin technique! Watch, I will do my best! RIIINNG OFFFFF FIIIIIIIRRREE!!!”

  “RING OF FIRE!” I repeated. I was just launching into a drawing of Jolu, the ghost pepper leader of the Capsaiders, when the TV switched off. It was a rerun, and I knew the show was recording, but it was still a bummer because I knew what it meant.

  “All right, kiddo,” said Dad. “It’s time for bed.”

  “Wait!” I said. “I just need to finish this.”

  “What are you drawing?” asked Mom. “The Capsaiders again?”

  “It’s Jolu.” I groaned. “His head is too orange. My crayons aren’t mixing right.”

  Yes, I was completely rendering and coloring in the head before starting on the body. Don’t judge me. His eyes were two black dots and his mouth was a simple line, but his presence was already commanding, and his determination radiated from every scribble.

  “You can finish your drawing tomorrow, son,” said Dad. He then yelled at the ceiling. “Hawk! Get in the shower! Tournament in the morning!”

  There was a muffled sound from upstairs that might have been my older brother acknowledging Dad.

  “You know,” said Mom, “I know you love that show, but you draw the characters an awful lot. What if you drew something of your very own?”

  “Like what?” I groused.

  Mom shrugged. “Anything you want. You could even make what you’re drawing now into something brand new. A few lines, a bit of imagination…”

  I suddenly looked at my paper in a new light as Mom’s words sank in. She was right. I could do that, couldn’t I? I could… I could make this my own. My very own thing. I wouldn’t even have to add anything to it. It was perfect just as it was right now.

  I snatched the paper up and held it out in front of me.

  “Oh. My. Shones. Mom. Do you realize what this is?”

  “It’s a… a pepper?”

  “This is an original fan character!”

  I said don’t judge me.

  “He can be a habanero!” I continued. “There isn’t a habanero on the cast!”

  “Um,” said Dad, “habanero peppers aren’t usually shaped like that. They’re shorter and stubbier.”

  “Hush, Alex,” said Mom. “He’s excited.”

  “He can be just like this, like a magical floating spirit pepper! He’ll be super powerful and save the rest of the team! His name will be Habby! Wait ‘til the official forum hears about this!”

  Capsaiders! Theme Song [Shonen anime parody theme]

  English version