One day you'll kill something and not just see a monster.

  And one day you'll see another Awakened lying dead next to you.

  Hopefully those days are different days, different corpses.

  You'll never forget those days.

  You'll never forget what you learn about yourself in those moments, about who you are.

  Just remember, you are not alone unless you choose to be.

  Others have been there, others will be there.

  It isn't your fault.

  Except when it is.

  ~ * ~

  "Um, Anya. Not that I don't-"

  Anya froze the moment he answered, holding on to the kitchen counter to keep herself from ducking behind it. "No! I- No. I meant I'd feel safer. I wasn't asking you to- to-"

  Deep breath Anya. Anya, I really do like the name. Deep breath and explain exactly what you meant. She forced herself to focus before she went on.

  "The bathroom earlier. It's still right there, still- No. Not now." She took another deep breath. "If that happens again you won't have to come running. I won't have to come running either."

  She could see him thinking so she pressed on. "Sleep on top of the blankets and I'll sleep under them. But we'll be right there for each other if." She couldn't finish, it was right there and saying the words would be too much.

  He seemed to notice because he nodded. "Yes. It would be nice to know that someone is right there."

  He stood up and stepped towards the bedroom. "You left my sweats in the bathroom?" She nodded, struggling to keep breathing slowly, to keep herself stable. "I'll be out in a few minutes then, these pants aren't very comfortable for sleeping."

  Once he was out of sight she leaned forward and banged her forehead gently on the counter in a slow rhythm. "Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Slow and steady. In, and out."

  By the time she heard him come back out she felt back in control of herself. Straightening she noticed the haunted look in his eyes and the slight dampness along his hairline.

  She stepped out from the counter and paused facing him in the bedroom doorway. "It's not your fault," she said before she slipped past him, grabbing his hoodie off the bedroom floor and pulling it on so the hood covered her hair. "You were trying to help."

  Before he could answer she sped up, rushing to the queen-sized bed and slipping under the covers. Between the hoodie and the covers she was barely visible once she rolled onto her side to look at him.

  He seemed lost in thought as he joined her, lifting only the comforter before slipping under it and rolling to look her in the eyes. "It isn't your fault either. Rios came looking. I pointed out-"

  "It's not our fault. We both-" she closed her eyes, feeling the tears she had been trying to hold back start to slide down her cheeks. "Why-"

  She could hear his breath catch then felt the sheets press down on her as he shifted a little closer, his hand moving to rest right in front of her face on the pillow where she could reach it. She put her hand into his, gripping his thumb tightly before he made a fist, holding on tight.

  They lay there in relative silence, slight catches in their breath the only indication of their tears until even that faded away into the night.

  ~ * ~

  Waking up in Anya's bed felt different. Not only was it not his pillow and or mattress, but he was not alone.

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  Opening his eyes Seb stared up at the ceiling. At some point in the night he had rolled onto his back but his hand was still on the pillow between them. Turning he looked at Anya, her fingers curled inside his as she stared at him.

  "Do I have something on my face?" he asked, smiling to make it clear he wasn't serious.

  "I only just woke up and I could see you starting to stir," she answered, not looking away or moving her hand. "I didn't want to startle you."

  "I thought your hair was black, I hadn't noticed the grey tones that match your eyes yesterday," she added, her cheeks showing a hint of red as she admitted she'd stared a little bit more than she'd first implied.

  "Most people don't, or if they do they just think it's weird for someone who just turned 24 to have grey hair."

  He heard her mumble something about 'looks nice' as he rolled onto his back. He then let go of her hand, moving slowly and deliberately to make it clear he wasn't really meaning to pull away. Once separated he immediately moved more quickly, stretching his arms up and out with a small yawn to finish waking up.

  After sitting up he looked down at her. "Sleep well?"

  "I slept, and I didn't have any nightmares. You?"

  "No nightmares. So I guess we slept well all things considered," he answered her before standing up, hesitating for just a moment before holding up a hand in a request to give him a moment and making a beeline for her bathroom.

  ~ * ~

  When he came back out she wasn't in the bedroom so he made his way to the kitchen. He heard the coffee pot before he saw it and smiled. "Coffee."

  "Of course," she grinned back as she looked up, still in his hoodie but with her face exposed.

  "Ouch." Her cheek was a mottled bruise. "I thought Husks were supposed to take the damage for you."

  "They do, trust me. And you sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself." If she hadn't smiled slightly to take the bite out of the words he wasn't sure how he would have fixed his blunder.

  "Sorry, it just-"

  "I haven't looked yet, but I can feel it when I smile," she answered, not letting him finish. "I can feel the rest too, even if I don't smile."

  "The rest? Ribs and arm?" he asked.

  She turned to the cabinets and started to reach as she answered, cutting off with a wince. "Yeah, they-"

  Seb stepped around the counter and quickly over to stand next to her, opening the cabinet and grabbing a couple mugs. "Let me. You'll just have to tell me where everything is."

  "Thank you." She made her way to the small kitchen table and sat, nodding back towards him. "Touch of milk, no sugar."

  "Bowls are in the next cabinet over, I think you saw the cereal last night and the spoons are in the narrower drawer."

  Following her instructions he quickly got two bowls out and put them on the table along with the cereal and spoons. Milk came right after along with two fresh mugs once the pot had enough. Once everything was ready he sat across from her, poured his cereal and lifted his mug in a toast. "To no nightmares."

  She rolled her eyes but toasted back before turning her focus to her own breakfast.

  "You said you had a good memory. Do you… like what you saw?" He barely heard her over his cereal she spoke so softly. When he realized what she had asked he nearly choked on his coffee, setting the nearly empty cup down abruptly as he tried to keep from coughing while feeling his cheeks start to burn. She had really just-

  "Anya. I-." Looking up he saw her expression start to drop as he hesitated, realizing in the moment the question was more than the words. Trying to regain his composure he pushed ahead, forcing himself to answer without any evasion. "Yes. I don't like the bruise but I like what I see right now too."

  Seeing her smile he smiled back, finishing the thought before the blush could fade from her cheek. "But you have to understand, this is just about the first time I woke up in someone's bed, or woke up with someone in the same bed, where alcohol hadn't been involved."

  Closing his eyes for a moment to keep control he made sure he was being clear. "I- well let's just say I got burned a few times early on and since then."

  She had started to turn away by then only to look back in understanding. "I get it. I was a little wild when I first moved in here and-" She looked away, visibly swallowing before looking back. "Looking like Lisa I was very popular."

  He frowned for a moment, wasn't she Ly- Oh, she meant the Husk.

  "I tried a few dating apps after that, to find something." She looked on the verge of gagging as she finished explaining, it only took him a moment to realize her reaction was to dating apps, not anything else.

  "We're not all that bad. Well I'd like to think we aren't. But why did you want to know?"

  "They only ever saw Lisa. Her face is on my ID," she answered before hiding her face in her coffee, whispering once again. "You're the first person who looked at me, at, well at Anya I guess, and not tell me everything that was wrong with me."

  "Because there isn't anything wrong. You-" He paused, took a deep breath then put his spoon down.

  "Anya, I mean exactly what I said about what I saw. I wish it wasn't in the circumstances it has been." He gestured to her, then to himself. "We nearly died yesterday, we probably should have. We're about to go tell her Majesty how we managed to kill one of her guards and while you're her daughter, I'm still a nobody, even if we say I'm a retainer."

  "We only met yesterday," he continued. "And we got through something horrible together. I want to have coffee with you again, or go for a walk, or even go shopping for clothes that Anya would like to wear, and just to be clear, I hate shopping for clothing."

  "I need to get to know you, to get to know us. And I hope you want the same."

  He watched her closely, holding his breath as he saw her eyes start to tear up before she sniffled them away and nodded, a determined look taking over her face. "We're having coffee, and we're going for a walk to get to court later. That counts, right?"

  He laughed, sticking his tongue out for the briefest moment before nodding. "Yes, that counts. But I'm also your retainer now, doesn't that mean I have to look out for your virtue and ensure your propriety?"

  "I-" she blushed, laughing as well. "That isn't fair."

  "As my Lady says, it is not fair. Now go get ready for Court, I'll put the dishes up."

  "Yes Seb," she answered with a mock pout before vanishing into her bedroom and closing the door.

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