The shambling figure took nearly a full two minutes to finally reach them down the dark hallway. The wide-brimmed hat, likely stolen from a scarecrow, tilted just high enough for two bright grey eyes to peer out from underneath, “Well, hello there,” the actual human smiled with a surprisingly full set of teeth. Was that a tinfoil cap he was wearing underneath?

  “I got a bad feeling about this,” Mac stated flatly.

  “That’s good,” the human replied, “Always start with caution. After all, danger never takes a vacation.”

  Mac caught the cornered cat look in Natalia’s eyes out of the corner of his own. He might have hung on to its tail, had it not gone right for his eyes. Maybe he should have just played along with the Zombie in the main classroom. No, he had reached his limit with the introduction video. Best just to deal with whatever eccentric he would meet next.

  “Now, follow me over to the next building and we’ll get you into the real safety training,” Safety Ed encouraged them. The middle-aged man with hero-style scruff on his face led them back the direction he had come from, still tapping his cane on floor tiles, walls and even the ceiling as he went. “Always be prepared.”

  They were soon out into the main cavern just long enough to be reminded they were underground and then standing outside another larger building. A quick glance through the glass window built into the door revealed an impossibly large space inside. Safety Ed blocked their full entry with his cane, “Safety, First,” then tapped around the door with a large “3” emblazoned on it until Mac was sure all the dust was thoroughly frightened and wouldn’t come back.

  The three waited another half an hour while Safety Ed went about the large room tapping everything and everywhere with an oddly rhythmic but somehow dissonant pattern. Finally, he announced, “Now, we can begin.”

  Grist opened his eyes and blinked from where he had fallen asleep against the wall. “Nice nap,” he stated flatly.

  Safety Ed seemed to cover the distance between himself and the troll so quickly, even light would be jealous. He completed the improbable movement by tapping the end of his cane against Grist’s chest just loud enough for Mac to make out the tap, “I could have killed you while you slept, not only have we never met before, but you didn’t even remotely try to hide yourself. Your parents would be ashamed of you.”

  “Grist not fear. Have friends near,” the troll objected as he stood to his feet and motioned with a large hand toward Natalia and Mac.

  “You trust them?!” Safety Ed mocked, “They haven’t even finished their second day of training. You must be more cautious! You even trusted me.”

  “You’re an instructor,” Mac stated flatly. “Miss Hafliff told us to follow you.”

  “Did she really?” Safety Ed’s eyes peeked out from under his decaying hat. The light danced menacingly around the pupils of his darkened face. “Are you certain that’s what she said? Did she even stick around long enough to see my face?”

  Mac was suddenly not so sure. He stole a glance at the vampire beside him for support.

  “Well, actually…” Natalia held up a single black-painted nail.

  The wide grin on Safety Ed’s face kept widening like the famed cat. He suddenly stood up straight and produced two techy looking guns from beneath his tatters. The smile disappeared only to be replaced by a chaotic look of murder in his eyes. “Join the troll against the wall,” his voice seemed to completely change over to a no-nonsense bass. “What I have in my hands are a wooden “Stakenator” 23-12 and a Desert Hawk premium edition with laser sight… and selenium tipped rounds.” Grist’s face fell at the mention of the rounds. “I doubt any of you could make it to the floor alive, much less the door. Now, tie yourselves up,” he kicked three bundles of rope over towards them. Where had those come from? “First the vampire, then the troll. I’ll finish the human.”

  Mac did not like the way he said that word. He casually glanced around for any kind of alarm he might trigger, but “Safety Ed” had already checked the entire room. He had been in worse spots like that old ski resort or that other time in the jungle. It was incredibly foolish of the fake safety instructor to have him tie up his… associates. “Friends” would have been too strong a word just yet. Might as well use the old Colombini fake knot technique he learned and perfected at his prior job.

  He slowly picked up the rope provided by the raggedly dressed man and stepped in front of Natalia who grudgingly held out her hands. Mac looked into her brown eyes keeping his back to the imposter intending to communicate what he could in a glance, but they were very pretty eyes, and he could see fear however deeply it might be buried timidly waving back at him from their depths. It made her look almost human. Even vampires must get scared… sometimes. Careful there, Mac, he warned himself vampires could mesmerize you if you held eye contact too long. He needed to be aware of how he tied this “knot”. They were pretty eyes.

  Shaking himself ever so slightly, Mac refocused and finished tying her hands before moving towards Grist.

  “Seriously,” the man challenged. Mac waited for the bullet to pierce his ribs as the man realized what he had done. But, “Safety Ed” continued, “Ankles to the wrists as well, and face down while you’re at it.”

  He’d gotten away with it so long as… “Don’t pull too hard,” Mac whispered through gritted teeth as he linked her somewhat swollen ankles to her wrists in yet another fake knot. Those stilettoes looked frighteningly sharp, too.

  “Thank you,” the man, replied then added impatiently as he waved his weapons in a small circle, “now the troll.”

  Mac assessed the two rope piles left over and nearly took the thinner one, but noted a small notch in the thicker rope. That would be all Grist would need if Mac located it correctly. He tied Grist up properly, but not overly. Mac also ensured the small cut faced inward where Grist might see it. A fake knot would only confuse the troll, but with everything secured he should be able to generate enough tension…

  “Are you done yet?” the raggedly dressed man asked impatiently. Mac nodded. “Then pick up the rest of the rope and walk over here,” he motioned ever so slightly with a weapon.

  After a simple nod, Mac obediently stepped forward until he was about two arm’s lengths from the imposter. “Hold it there. Turn around and face your friends,” Safety Ed instructed.

  “They’re not really my…” Mac trailed off at the death glare emanating from under the man’s tattered, wide-brimmed hat.

  “Now, hold these out in front of you while I tie up your arms,” the raggedly dressed man handed the two weapons over to Mac, and began looping rope around his wrists. “It’s impossible to tie a decent knot with a gun in your hands,” the man mumbled absently as he focused on the knots like a kindergartner trying to cut a straight line with dull scissors.

  A dozen scenarios passed through Mac’s mind in the next half second. Most of them involved him turning the weapons on his captor. The warning braincell deep within Mac’s mind made the realization almost too late as Mac drew a breath for action. It dodged numerous obstacles and intents to silence it forever as it rose to the level of consciousness. It all but shouted as it broke the surface, “Why would anyone hand you a weapon they seriously thought was dangerous… to them.” That last bit almost didn’t get heard as the rest of his brain collectively pulled the warning back under the turbulent waters of his stream of consciousness.

  Mac gently released his breath and tried to signal for Natalia to break free. She only had to pull sharply once, and the bonds released. Grist started to pull, but the vampire waved him off with the hand not removing her high-heels. She crept closer in stockinged feet to the raggedly dressed man with his back to her as he finished tying Mac’s wrists with a satisfied grunt.

  Natalia carefully raised her hand to swing the sharply spiked heel down on their potential captor. Then, lost her grip on the heel as it rocketed up to the ceiling beside the spare that had been in her other hand. Natalia never really knew how she wound up looking straight up from the hard ground at a ceiling that was now an extra five feet above her with her high-heels stuck to it like darts in a dart board. It was also a mystery how all the air seemed to have left her lungs for the pleasantly cooler climate on the other side of her windpipe. The best her memory could do was call up an image of blurred motion from somewhere in front of her.

  Hanging from the ceiling is traditionally something the famed captors of the past did after seizing their quarry, it would probably be considered presumptuous as an opening move. However, Mac still found himself a bit farther up than is normally healthy for anyone but an avian. A metal looking “U” shaped rod connected his bonds to the ceiling. If only he had managed to hang on to the weapons…

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  That just left Grist. The troll easily snapped the rope just as Mac had intended and stood to his feet. Grist narrowed his dark eyes and simply leapt from where he stood against the wall at the man in the wide brimmed hat.

  It was disappointing to see how easily the man deflected the troll onto the section of floor beside the vampire using some kind of portable air shield obviously originating from a small device on one of his wrists. The raggedly dressed man nodded his head as if in approval before tossing two small poker chip looking things onto Mac’s allies, now prone beside each other on the floor. They didn’t move after that.

  Safety Ed took a long breath and stepped back from his captives. He watched for another minute, then his facial expression changed yet again. “Not bad, not bad,” he repeated, “Not perfect, but not terrible either. You did manage to get me to my tertiary defenses. Well, one of you did, at least.” This guy must be nuts. Not just your everyday crazy, but more of the sold-everything-to-buy-the-peanut-farm-with-attached-bat-cave kind of crazy.

  “Allow me to reintroduce myself,” the man swept off his tattered, wide-brim hat and flourished it with a bow. The tinfoil cap that he left in place spoiled the effect. “My name is Safety Ed. I train most of the headquarters security forces that work for this unique and wonderful company. I hope you don’t mind my little test, but it helps me know where to start.”

  “For you two on the ground it’s easier if you just relax,” the man instructed as he sat down cross-legged on the floor. “The stasis chips draw their power from the electricity generated by straining muscles. Most major governments utilize them in their espionage and populace surveillance departments.”

  “As you might remember, one of our company values is innovation.” Safety Ed replaced the ragged hat on his head. “Part of that is continuous improvement, of which our CEO is a huge proponent. So, let’s take a moment and take apart what’s happened since I met you outside the training room.”

  “Uhm…” Mac prodded cautiously, “Any chance you might let me down from up here?” There was a chance he could still escape since the ‘safety instructor’ had yet to pick up the illegal plastic weapons where they lay on the floor.

  “Nope,” Safety Ed replied with a slight chuckle. “I know what you’re planning.”

  How could he possibly…?

  “Your eyes have twice measured the distance from myself to the weapons,” Safety Ed explained. You’ve also checked the distance to the door, drawn breath for action, and tensed leg muscles for landing. I really don’t want to lose this valuable teaching moment. So, think back, please. Let’s go over everything.”

  “First,” Safety Ed began pacing as he assumed the tone of a wearied mentor, “What went right in the hallway?”

  If talking kept him alive a little longer, Mac reasoned he might as well assist the villain in his monologue, “We kept you where we could see you.”

  “Good, good,” the grey-eyed man smiled. “Now what went wrong? And shouldn’t you have your breath by now Miss Pardova. I expected a vampire to be a bit more… resilient.”

  Natalia could only vaguely shake her head negatively, so Mac answered again, “We simply assumed you were the safety instructor.”

  “Yes, and what else?”

  “And we didn’t do anything to confirm your identity,” Mac added.

  “And…”

  “There’s noth…” Mac trailed off as he tried to tread water through old memories. “I… I don’t know.”

  “Formation,” Safety Ed raised his finger to make the point. “You simply all stood side by side instead of adopting a defensive formation in the face of an unknown threat. You should have at least adopted a three-point wedge with as much spread as possible. Standing there like you three had, it would have been easy for a single skilled assailant… such as myself… to drop all three of you in one attack. Even a reverse wedge would have at least given one of you the chance to sound the alarm or at least scream. Please try to be aware of where your allies are at all times, and if they don’t willingly contribute to defensibility, then you need to do it for them.”

  “Now, once we got into this room, things really took a dive,” Safety Ed explained. “About the only good thing that can be said, is that at least Mac and Natalia watched me. Is there any chance you recognized my search pattern?” the handsomely-scruffy man sounded like such a possibility was beyond hope.

  “Search pattern 3-2,” Mac answered flatly to the man’s amazement. “You also used anti-bug knocking designed to overload listening equipment. Furthermore, I suspect you warmed up the ceiling magnet by tapping one of the wall panels, although I don’t know which one.”

  The man pulled a green paper folder from one of his sleeves and began checking the contents, then he asked, “How do you know that? It’s not in your… rec… er resume.”

  “I watch and pay attention,” Mac replied harking back to field work from before.

  “Miss Pardova, can you speak yet?” the man turned his attention to the vampire still laying on the floor.

  “Yes,” she replied weakly.

  “Then, hurry up and get out from under that chip,” Safety Ed commanded somewhat annoyed.

  “Grist, we’ve already been over that ill-chosen nap, and I won’t belabor the point.”

  Grist grunted a faint acknowledgement from where he, too, still lay prone on the floor.

  Safety Ed finished making a note inside the green folder and then put it back in his sleeve. “Once I pulled the weapons on you three, we entered the next phase of the test. That was a Colombini fake knot you used on Natalia, wasn’t it, Mac?”

  “Wait, you knew that?”

  “You really should have disguised it better,” Safety Ed replied, “They are used so commonly in our trade that you really do need to develop something a bit fancier or at least messier looking. Still, good job ensuring you kept the vampire in action. Although, I still can’t figure out how she escaped the vampire weakening effects that were enchanted into the rope. Just how strong are you, Miss Pardova?”

  Natalia only nodded in response.

  “Seriously Miss Pardova,” the instructor dug at the vampire’s pride, “the best you could do this whole time was try and hit me with your shoe. No transformation, feat of strength, or even a weak attempt at low-level mind-control, not that it could work,” Safety Ed tapped his cranium and grinned. “The last, at least, I gave you three opportunities to try. I’m quite disappointed.”

  “You also did a better job in selecting the Troll’s rope,” the grey-eyed sadist continued, “You spotted that cut in the rope and then placed it just right for Grist to escape. You do seem to have an affinity for trolls.”

  “They’re nicer than my ex-wife,” Mac quipped. “Now, can you please let me down? This is starting to cut into my wrists.”

  Safety Ed looked Mac in the eyes for a short moment then asked, “Ready for landing?”

  Only a six-foot drop, he could handle that. “Ready,” Mac responded.

  “Three, two, one,” Safety Ed counted down before the magnet holding Mac to the ceiling released.

  Mac landed nicely with his knees bent and his tied wrists stretched out in front of him for balance. He could be graceful if he wanted to be. He took the first step toward his allies to knock the poker chip-looking things off so they could move, but Safety Ed forestalled him saying, “If they don’t learn how to escape themselves, it will be a wasted opportunity. And please don’t touch those weapons either, you could get hurt.”

  “Gene-coded, anti-theft?” Mac questioned as he sat down beside them.

  “Non-lethal levels,” Safety Ed confirmed. “It was a test after all. Smart of you not to try and use them. Did I make it too obvious when I handed them to you?”

  “Almost,” Mac replied as though trying to remove a bad taste in his mouth.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to confirm it?”

  “What are you, half-elf? Are you toying with me?” Mac was genuinely displeased.

  “Specie-ism is at best mildly tolerated in this company,” Safety Ed replied, please don’t use that as an insult.”

  Mac held his tongue and offered a fake smile in place of the beginning of an argument that might hurt his career. He also rubbed his wrists and began working at the half complete knot. The middle-aged coot hadn’t quite had the time to completely secure it, before Natalia forced his hand.

  “I’ll take that as a, ‘no,” the grey-eyed man pressed on. “I should note that you did an admirable job keeping my back to the vampire. Still, a shoe? You should have just gone straight for my heart, Miss Pardova.”

  “Yeah, next time,” the vampire breathed with some effort. “Didn’t want to touch that disgusting coat of yours.”

  “You might try rolling over,” Safety Ed hinted. “Overall, not a terrible job. Grist, Miss Pardova, I think you owe a lot to Mac for getting you as far as you did. Still, you certainly both have room for improvement. We’ll try a similar test again when you least expect it. I hope you all will do better. Mac, you get a pass on this test, but only just barely,” Safety Ed stated matter-of-factly.

  “Miss Hafliff’s class is going to listen to a bunch of expert testimony over the next few days, which will result in a lot of head knowledge that may or may not be remembered,” The handsomely scruffy man lectured, “You, however, as potential special operations personnel, are actually going to become safer through hands-on learning and experience driven training. Are you still stuck?”

  Grist rolled over allowing the small chip to fall to the floor, “Floor just nice and cool,” Grist answered levelly drawing a small chuckle from the instructor

  “What he said,” Natalia tried a bluff.

  “You’re a horrible liar,” Safety Ed countered, “Better stick with bending the truth.”

  “I was actually going for the laugh,” she riposted through clenched teeth.

  “I’ve never known a vampire to be a successful comedian,” the man frowned.

  “Once I’ve had my fill of clowns, I’m sure I’ll have it in my blood.”

  The instructor pulled a red folder from his sleeve and jotted down a few notes before saying, “I’ve made sure you don’t get near any of our circuses.”

  “It was a joke.”

  “I’m not laughing.”

  “Wait, are you biased against vampires?”

  “As a safety instructor, I prefer the term reasonably cautious. Now would you please escape already. It’s kind of embarrassing to watch someone fail this badly.”

  “So, I’m a little uptight…”

  “Do I really need to go over basic breathing exercises with you?”

  “One second.” Natalia took the hint and drew in the longest breath she could. Then, as she released the air, she rolled ever so slightly allowing the chip to slide off her stomach and clink gently on the ground.

  “Finally, now we can proceed,” Safety Ed stated as he stood up and began walking towards a wall. “One of the things every employee needs to know is how to use a 40-ton forklift. It’s the most basic of the large machines you might be called on to utilize in your employment by HeHeHe and traditionally provides a grounding for later training. However, this location’s entrance is too small to bring them in, so it’s only natural for you to assume that you might one day eventually have to use the 15-ton version I think is on the other side of this wall. It does seem to always be where we need it.”

  The instructor continued zealously with a maniacal grin, “While the others are going to have a class on what not to do, you three have been chosen to learn kinetically what not to do. Experience may be a harsh teacher, but its lessons aren’t forgotten quickly.”

  “The principle will remain effectively the same as we scale your understanding to something approaching the level of a veteran Nipponese battle suit operator, and eventually an engineer. After all, if middle school girls can figure it out in a single day, there is no reason you three can’t develop at least a passing affinity for such equipment.”