Announcer: “Welcome, welcome, fellow consumers, artists, influencers, CEOs! Welcome to the Sixth Season of the Saintess Selection!”

  Crappy talent-show music erupts—so obnoxious that it would make a Karen blush—it drowns the venue with volumes of vitriolic sapiness. The announcer appears as a divinely decorated top-hatted mouth without eyes: an existence that has discarded all other senses just to upgrade its mouth and charm. Excited clapping fills the venue.

  Announcer: “Now, now! I know all of you are excited. Lucky for you!, this season’s hero is advertised as an unorthodox boon! Some of you may not be interested in innovation, but skeptics please hear me out!!!"

  He continues with spunk, “ At this point we all know, that all the heroes in the past seasons had already subscribed to major premium services before this event—this is all thanks to some of the more prolific sneaky corpo shenanigans…” Some guys whistle in the distance.

  After the awkward pause, he proudly shouts: “Of course we always approved of those actions, but this time we have a guaranteed premiumly virgin hero!”

  The girls in the crowd scream in arduous simpage:

  Girls: “Kyaaaa! Such a dream! A hero without a premium service! Take my flower-shop subscription now!”

  Several girls, frenzy-eyed and glowing red, try to charge at the stage, but a premium ad-wall blocks them.

  Announcer: “That’s the spirit! Yet I’m not finished. Even before this event, our hero has been very busy!”

  With dramatic flair he winds up the hype:

  Announcer: “He has already defeated not one, but two business rivals!”

  A loud gasp ripples through the crowd.

  Voices: “Defeated business rivals without a premium service?! What kind of golden goose is this hero?!”

  The announcer continues enthusiastically, “He may not have streamed his achievements yet, but you can watch all of his escapades at Elnora Stream/VODs.orb!”

  People instantly pull out their orbs, subscribing to Elnora’s premium service to watch the hodgepodge of heroic escapades. Even skeptics fold like paper at the sight.

  Announcer: “Now let’s give a big round of applause to our hero!”

  Talent-pageant music drowns out the excited cheers as Hajime, riding Zeus, strolls into the center of the venue.

  Hajime’s presence is immeasurable; ads blot his face, body, and general features. He looks like a blocky, colorful mess of consumerism. His face glows golden, signifying his deep communion with the holy sword.

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  The venue falls silent, awed by the majestic marketing aura. Some stare at his mount with curious bewilderment.

  Some peasants cry:

  Peasants: “He has achieved the dream… the legendary golden calf… I never would have believed it…”

  The big agriculture corpos erupt in panic at the sight of such a sacred creature being mounted by a virgin hero. CEOs throw money at the premium wall, but none of it passes through.

  Announcer: “Hero, do you have any words for our contestants?”

  Hajime: “Hey, disembodied GPS voice?”

  Valiant (grunting): “Yes, hero-kun.”

  Hajime: “You weren’t kidding when you said they were buffering.”

  To his eyes, all the people are frozen NPCs, not moving or speaking for several minutes.

  Valiant: “Yes, they suffer from a strong curse. They need reassurance from you, humanities last hero!”

  Hajime: “How exactly am I supposed to do this?… This is getting weird.”

  Some static crackle noises erupt from nowhere.

  Valiant: “They have said something to you, did you get that hero?”

  Hajime: “Did I miss it? I didn’t hear anything...”

  Valiant: “Yeah, you missed it. They said you should stroll to the center of the stage. They want inspirational words from you.”

  Hajime sighs. “I don’t think this is going to be an exciting heroic journey…”

  Valiant: “This is the tutorial stage my hero. The curse is stronger on weak individuals. Soon you’ll meet people you can interact with normally as the story progresses.”

  Hajime: “I’ll have to trust you on that…”

  He mounts his cow.

  Hajime: “Forward, my friend!”

  The cow moos, following his intent. Hajime moves toward the center, feeling a strange wrongness he cannot quite place.

  Valiant: “Just say some inspirational words!”

  Hajime:

  “Fellow inhabitants of this world… I am Hajime, your chosen hero. At this moment I cannot do much about your curse, but with time I will resolve this issue for you. Please take solace in the fact that I will work tirelessly to resolve the most pressing issues of this world, and with the power bestowed upon me, we will smite evil and usher in an age of peace and prosperity! Thank you for your support!”

  Some NPCs begin clapping.

  Hajime: “Did I do good?”

  Valiant: “Yeah, you nailed it…”

  Crowd:

  “Did you hear?! He promised to resolve my marketing issues!”

  “No, bitch, he was clearly looking at me!”

  “He will work tirelessly… such sweet words…”

  “He’s advertising for a crusade!!! Yes, hero! We will smite the evil of this world under you—please advertise the time and place already!”

  Deus: “It’s working! I can’t believe it!”

  Valiant: “See? Just don’t interfere and everything will work itself out.”

  Deus: “No can do devilish lawyer. This must be a perfect selection!”

  Valiant: “It’s not perfect…”

  Deus: “Shut up, you’re fired!"

  Valiant: “…I’m an essential worker.”

  Deus: “…Ahhh, you’re right! Then a pay reduction?”

  Valiant: “You don’t pay me.”

  Deus: “Excellent. Keep up the good work!”

  Valiant: “…”

  Cracks begin forming in the divine marketing containment shield. A dark presence leaks through. A yandere voice slips out from the gaps:

  Voice: “We will be together forever… You promised, and I’ll make you keep it.”

  Such words would make Hajime happy, but he is not at fault in this situation.

  Her voice grows desperate: “I need power… much more power!”

  Her negativity erupts, and a corrupting miasma seeps through the cracks, leaking into the dungeon’s cells…