They didn’t look like auditors. They looked like a heavy metal album cover come to life. Kaelen, the leader, wore plate armor polished to a mirror sheen, a massive greatsword strapped to his back, and—most terrifying of all—a clipboard.
Inspector Vorne stood by the dungeon entrance, checking his pocket watch.
"You have six hours," Vorne told the team. "I need a Class A violation. Structural instability, uncontained magical hazards, or feral monster behavior. If you find one, I seal the doors."
Kaelen sneered, tapping his quill against the clipboard. "Don't worry, Inspector. We'll find something. We always do. If the dungeon is clean, we'll find dust. If the monsters are tame, we'll find rabies."
"Just make it stick," Vorne muttered. "The Prince is two days out. I want this place condemned by sunset."
Victor watched them from the lobby balcony. He sipped his morning coffee—a dark, bitter brew imported from the volcanic region—and adjusted his tie.
"They brought a Barbarian to a safety inspection," Victor noted.
Asterion peered over the railing. "That is Bruk. He is known as 'The Stress Tester.' He once punched a castle wall until it collapsed because he didn't like the brickwork."
"And the mage?"
"Vara. Specializes in 'Seismic Analysis.' Blowing things up."
"Charming," Victor said. "They aren't here to inspect the building. They're here to demolish it."
"Shall I prepare the defenses?" Asterion asked, his hand drifting to his axe.
"No," Victor said, setting his cup down. "We don't fight auditors with axes, Asterion. We fight them with procedure. Is the staff ready?"
"Yes, Boss. Sniv hates the outfit, though."
"He'll get over it. It's for his own safety." Victor checked his reflection in the glass door. "Let's go welcome our guests."
The Crimson Blades marched into the lobby like they owned it. Kaelen stopped at the reception desk, looking for something to criticize. The floor was clean. The lighting was adequate. The slime vending machine was humming quietly.
"Hmph," Kaelen grunted. "Slippery floor surface. Potential fall hazard. Write that down, Vara."
Vara, a woman with hair sparking with static electricity, scribbled in a notebook. "Noted. 'Negligent housekeeping.'"
"Excuse me," a voice cut in.
Victor stepped out from the Shadows Office. He held a stack of papers thick enough to stop a crossbow bolt.
"Welcome to Insolvia Holdings," Victor said with a professional smile. "I'm the Manager. Before you proceed to the operational floor, I'll need everyone to sign these."
He dropped the stack onto the desk. THUD.
Kaelen stared at the papers. "What is this?"
"Standard Third-Party Liability Waivers & Non-Disclosure Agreements," Victor said. "It acknowledges that you are entering an industrial workspace with inherent magical risks. It also absolves Insolvia Holdings of any liability regarding emotional trauma, physical dismemberment, or loss of ego."
"I'm a Kingsguard-certified Inspector!" Kaelen barked. "I don't sign waivers!"
"Then you are trespassing," Victor said cheerfully. "And as a private business owner, I have the right to refuse service. You can explain to Inspector Vorne why you failed to conduct the audit because you were afraid of a little paperwork."
Kaelen’s face turned a shade of crimson that matched his cape. He snatched a pen. "Fine."
The team spent twenty minutes signing. Victor made them initial every page.
"Make sure you read Clause 14-B," Victor advised Torque, the rogue. "It covers 'Accidental Impalement via Misuse of Inspection Tools.'"
Torque glared at him.
"Right," Kaelen snapped, throwing the pen down. "Paperwork done. Now we inspect."
The Crimson Blades expected a fight. They walked down the main corridor in combat formation, weapons drawn, ready for an ambush.
What they found was a construction crew.
A group of six goblins stood near a "pit trap." But they weren't hiding in shadows. They were wearing bright orange high-visibility vests and hard hats. They held stop signs.
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"STOP!" Sniv yelled, waving a red flag. He looked ridiculous in an oversized vest that trailed on the floor. "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY! TRAP MAINTENANCE IN PROGRESS!"
Kaelen blinked. "What?"
"Maintenance!" Sniv pointed to a sign: DANGER: GRAVITY TESTING. DO NOT PROCEED.
"Move aside, goblin," Bruk the Barbarian growled. "I need to test the trigger mechanism."
"Can't do that," Sniv said, checking a clipboard. "Schedule says 'Lubrication and Hinge Review' until 10:00 AM. Union rules. No adventurers allowed during maintenance window."
"I don't care about your union!" Bruk stepped forward and shoved Sniv.
It was a light shove. Barely a tap.
Sniv flew backward as if hit by a siege engine. He tumbled, rolled three times, and lay still, clutching his leg.
"LEGAL FOUL!" Sniv screamed. "TOXIC WORKPLACE! WORKER'S COMP!"
Victor stepped out from a side passage, followed by Valerius who was frantically writing on a scroll.
"Valerius, did you capture that?" Victor asked.
"Yes, sir," Valerius said, holding up a visual-recording crystal. "Unprovoked assault on a maintenance worker. Clear violation of the 'Respectful Workplace' statute."
"You... he flopped!" Bruk roared. "I barely touched the rat!"
"We'll let the Review Board decide that," Victor said coolly. "Strike one, gentlemen. Assaulting staff is grounds for immediate audit termination. I'll let it slide this once... out of professional courtesy."
Kaelen ground his teeth. "Move on. Ignore the goblins. Check the monster pens."
They pushed deeper. They wanted feral beasts. They wanted bloodthirsty monsters straining against rusty chains.
They found the Wolf Kennel.
The Iron Wolves were there. But they weren't snarling. They were sitting in orderly rows, being groomed by kobolds.
"Where is the aggression?" Kaelen demanded. "These are apex predators! They should be killing on sight!"
"It's their break time," Victor explained, checking his watch. "15 minutes every four hours. Federal mandate for Sentient Magical Beasts."
One of the wolves yawned and scratched its ear.
"This is a farce!" Vara shouted. "This isn't a dungeon! It's a... a petting zoo!"
"It's a controlled environment," Victor corrected. "Safe. Efficient. Compliant."
"It's too safe," Kaelen muttered. He tapped his comms crystal. "Vorne? We have a problem. There's nothing to cite. No loose traps. No aggressive AI. The place is cleaner than the Guild Hall."
Vorne’s voice crackled, tinny and desperate. "I don't care, Kaelen! I need a violation! Create one if you have to! The Prince is 40 hours away!"
Kaelen looked at Victor. Then he looked at the massive stone support pillar in the center of the room. It was carved with ancient runes—runes Victor had added for aesthetic effect.
"That pillar," Kaelen said, pointing. "It looks... fundamentally unsound."
"It was inspected by the Dwarven Engineers Local 404 last month," Victor said. "It's solid."
"I disagree," Kaelen said. He motioned to Vara. "Stress test. Level 10."
"Wait," Valerius gasped. "Level 10? That's... that's a Siege Breaker spell! You can't use that indoors!"
"We need to be sure," Kaelen smiled nastily. "Safety first."
Vara began to chant. Orange mana gathered around her staff. The air hummed with destructive potential.
Victor didn't stop them. He didn't attack. He just signaled Asterion to hold.
Let them dig the hole, Victor thought. Let them dig it deep.
"Seismic Pulse!" Vara screamed.
A wave of force slammed into the pillar. Stone cracked. Dust rained down. A large chunk of masonry broke off and crashed to the floor, barely missing a (vacated) goblin workstation.
The dust settled. The pillar was damaged, leaning slightly, but still standing.
"Aha!" Kaelen shouted, triumph in his eyes. "Structural failure! Under stress, the load-bearing element compromised! This facility is a death trap!"
"Shutdown confirmed," Vara added, blowing smoke from her staff.
Kaelen turned to Victor, expecting fear. "Well, Manager? The roof nearly came down. That's a Class A Violation. We're shutting you down."
Victor looked at the rubble. Then he looked at Kaelen.
"Valerius," Victor said softly. "Please playback the last thirty seconds."
Valerius tapped the recording crystal. A holographic projection sprang up in the air—massive, clear, and loud.
It showed Vara casting a military-grade siege spell. It showed Kaelen ordering it. It showed the deliberate destruction of private property.
"What are you doing?" Kaelen demanded.
"Broadcasting," Victor said.
"To who?"
"To the Projection Crystal in the Town Square," Victor pointed up. "You know, the one where the crowd of eight hundred angry adventurers is currently waiting for news?"
Kaelen’s face went pale.
"You just destroyed their dungeon," Victor said, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "You didn't find a hazard, Kaelen. You caused one. In front of the entire city."
"Turn it off!" Kaelen reached for his sword.
"Too late," Victor said. "The Court of Public Opinion has already reached a verdict."
Outside, in the square, the crowd watched the giant magical image. They saw the "Inspectors" bungle into a clean room and blow it up.
"THEY'RE RIGGING IT!" a voice screamed. (It was Sniv, who had sprinted out the back exit). "THEY'RE TRYING TO FRAME THE BOSS!"
The crowd roared. It was an ugly sound. The sound of a customer base realizing their favorite store was being torched by the police.
Vorne, standing by the entrance, heard the roar. He looked at the projection. He looked at the crowd surging toward the dungeon entrance, pushing past the guards.
"It's over," Vorne whispered. The 'Safety Audit' was dead. The legal approach was dead.
He grabbed his comms crystal. His eyes were wild.
"Kaelen!" Vorne screamed. "Forget the audit! Code Red! He's a threat to the Crown! Liquidate the asset! CREATE A REASON TO KILL HIM!"
Inside, Kaelen heard the order. His expression shifted. The smirk vanished. The bureaucratic arrogance vanished.
What remained was a high-level creative killer.
He dropped the clipboard. It clattered on the dusty floor.
"Well," Kaelen said, drawing the greatsword from his back. The steel sang a deadly note. "Plan B it is."
Vara raised her staff, this time aiming at Victor, not the wall.
Bruk the Barbarian cracked his knuckles, his muscles swelling with rage aura.
Torque drew dual daggers dripping with green poison.
"Audit's over," Kaelen said, his mana flaring, filling the room with oppressive pressure. "Now we just clear the dungeon."
Victor sighed. He unbuttoned his suit jacket and handed it to Valerius.
"Hold this," Victor said. "And get behind Asterion."
"Sir?" Valerius squeaked.
"I tried to do this the easy way," Victor said, rolling up his sleeves. Shadow mana began to pool around his feet, turning the floor into a dark mirror. "I tried to be a Manager. But if they want a Boss Fight..."
He looked up, his eyes glowing with the cold purple light of the Dungeon Core.
"...I can check that box too."
[ARMI]
Combat Assessment: 1 vs 4.
Enemy Rank: Platinum (Elites).
Win Probability (Standard): 12%.
Win Probability (Lethal Force Authorized): 98%.
Authorization: PENDING...