Two days after Jeremy left for the fourth floor, the goblins arrived on the third. They took over a dungeon safe room and talked quietly amongst themselves. Their small stove emitted blue and red flames at irregular intervals, sometimes burning the goblins if they got too close. They were using it to cook an unidentifiable slab of meat.

  Fizzlepuff and his companions eyed the goblins nervously from the other side of the safe room. The goblins couldn't attack them here, but that didn't mean they weren't in danger.

  Fizzlepuff had hoped the goblins would take longer to clear the second floor, but he did notice they'd lost two of their party members, going from eight to six, confirming a story he'd heard elsewhere.

  Though goblins were vicious fighters and bred like vermin, the universe contained more intelligent beings. “Uh. Excuse me. Goblins, sirs, uh.” Fizzlepuff hobbled forward on a crutch, limping with his injured leg. “Jeremy said to tell the one-eyed goblin that if you bothered his gnome friends, he'd shoot your other leg.”

  The laughing stopped. “Jirmy would never befriend a gnome,” a large, hairy goblin named Cim said.

  The one-eyed goblin, Terod, turned to his companion, a strange expression on his face. “Jirmy befriended us. After we tried to kill him.”

  “If he did befriend gnomes, it was because he didn't know any better,” Cim said. “Jirmy's lucky the gnomes didn't kill him.”

  Fizzlepuff winced, the goblin's comments hitting uncomfortably close to home. “Jeremy also told me of a secret section of the dungeon where he gained a lot of experience and dungeon coin. This section is far too dangerous for us gnomes, but fierce goblin warriors like yourselves...”

  “Secret section?” Terod asked.

  “Yes. We'll sell you the location for one thousand dungeon coin,” Fizzlepuff said.

  There was silence.

  “The gnomes are trying to kill us. Let's eat them,” Cim suggested. “Filthy gnomes are practically humans.”

  Uh, oh.

  Pufflepop held up a piece of black cloth with a red shield shape on it. “We're with Red Shield.”

  All six goblins fell over laughing.

  “Let me say we hate humans as much as you do,” Fizzlepuff hastened to add. “And as proof of our sincerity, we'll show you Jeremy's secret entrance, and you can pay us when you return. If you don't return with a boatload of experience and dungeon coin, you don't have to pay us.” In the unlikely event that any of the goblins survived the secret section, the gnomes should be long gone by then.

  The goblins looked at each other. “You know we can't eat the gnomes. Dungeon get mad,” Terod said.

  “Dungeon has been nice to us,” Cim said.

  “I heard joke,” a smaller goblin said from behind them. “How do you separate gnome lips from the boots of their human masters?”

  “Everyone knows that one,” Cim said. “There is no way to separate gnome lips from the boots of their human masters.”

  The goblins laughed.

  “Oh. Don't forget the guns,” Gorm said. “We can't kill them until we sell them the guns.” The small goblin pulled a gun from his pack that was twice as long as he was tall.

  Fizzlepuff did Appraise, a skill he'd evolved from Identify.

  Gnome rifle named Poppuf, after the craftsman's beloved daughter. Legendary quality. Charmed for durability, charmed for bullet speed x3, lightly damaged from rough usage.

  “Where did you get that?” Fizzlepuff asked in a strangled voice.

  “We got it in this dungeon quest. We didn't want guns, but Dungeon said we had to take them,” Gorm said. “The dungeon offered me 500 dungeon coin for this gun, but I told that merchant-thief Banxi I'd try selling it to the gnomes first.”

  Fizzlepuff started shaking. He collapsed on the alien grass and started crying. Why? Why did the gods hate him so much?

  “What's wrong with him?” Gorm asked.

  “He's crazy. Hit on the head too many times. Just ignore him.” Fekfuff's sister Pufflepop went over to examine the gun. “It's damaged.”

  “Only a little,” Gorm said. “It's legendary.”

  “Means nothing with gnome weapons. Everything is legendary with gnome weapons. And it's too big,” she responded. “And that craftsman, Dinglepuff? He couldn't craft his behind from a...” She pretended to look conflicted. “I don't know if we want it.”

  Fekfuff joined his sister, pretending to look concerned. “Can we fix this?”

  “Maybe,” Pufflepop said with a theatrical sigh. “50 dungeon coin. Best I can do.”

  Fizzlepuff broke out in a fit of coughing. His friends Pufflepop and Fekfuff were from a merchant family and master bargainers. If the goblins ever suspected the extent to which they were being lied to...

  “The dungeon offered us 500dc for it, but because we feel sorry for you pathetic gnomes, I'll sell it to you for 300dc.”

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  Pufflepop shook her head. “I don't know... okay, fine, 100dc, my final offer. Or you'll just have to sell it to the dungeon.”

  “Sold!” Gorm said, holding out his hand. “100dc.”

  Fizzlepuff forgot how to breathe.

  “The dungeon didn't offer you 500dc for this gun, did they?” Fekfuff asked.

  “Banxi did,” Gorm said, sounding defensive. “You made the offer, and I accepted. Pay up.”

  “No. The goblin's right. You made him the offer,” Fekfuff said, pretending to glare at his sister. “But since you're overcharging us, the least you could do is throw in any gun-related things that might have come with the gun. Bullets. Cleaning kit.”

  “No. Those cost extra,” Gorm said. “And I'm only dealing with the other gnome.” He pointed at Pufflepop.

  “Filthy goblin thief!” Fekfuff stomped away, pretending to be angry.

  Could the dungeon have so little regard for gnome weaponry? Fizzlepuff wondered. Banxi must have offered the goblins less than 100 dungeon coin for it. Much less by the speed they had taken Pufflepop's offer. If a criminal brought that damaged gun to a disreputable merchant, it would sell for at least one thousand dungeon coin. A reputable merchant might offer ten times that amount, or more. The gun had been made by a master craftsman for a wealthy lord. Banxi would normally have offered a tenth of the value of the firearms. In this case, one thousand or more. If the dungeon had offered that, he was pretty sure the goblins would have accepted.

  What was going on here? Fizzlepuff watched as Pufflepop bought the nearly priceless gun, along with bullets, and cleaning kit for 155dc. The other goblins pulled out an arsenal of equally valuable firearms and related supplies to sell to Pufflepop amid outrageous lies of how much the dungeon had offered them.

  In the end, the gnomes purchased a total of eight guns and assorted gun paraphernalia for 2250dc. Pretty much all the dungeon coin the gnomes had. If gnomes could somehow find a reputable merchant to sell the guns to, they'd make enough profit to set the four of them up for the rest of their lives.

  While the other gnomes looked over the guns, pretending to look upset while suppressing oohs and awes at their good fortune, Fizzlepuff stayed where he was, listening as the goblins gathered in a circle and ate their dinner. They left four spaces in their circle, each space getting a small amount of food, presumably for their dead comrades. Did goblins care about their dead? Maybe Jeremy was right. The goblins were vicious predators, but they weren't the soulless monsters childhood tales had led him to believe. Pufflepop joined Fizzlepuff on the outskirts of their group, watching the goblins nervously.

  “We can't eat gnomes,” a sad-looking goblin said. “Dungeon get mad. Boggan didn't want us to eat this filthy human adventurer,” the goblin pointed to the meat they were eating. “But we told Boggan, our religion demands we eat the flesh of our enemies.”

  “That's not really your religion, is it?” Pufflepop said, looking reproachfully at them. “You were just hungry.”

  “It is so our religion,” the goblin pouted. “And Boggan told us we can only eat the adventurers we kill in combat, so we can't eat gnomes, because gnomes just run away.”

  “So now you have our money. How much did the dungeon really offer you for the guns?” Pufflepop asked.

  Gorm smirked. “Five dungeon coin.”

  “Five for each gun?” she asked, disbelieving.

  “No. Five dungeon coin for all the guns,” Gorm burst out laughing. “Cim wanted to throw them away, but I knew gnomes would pay more. You made offers, we accepted. No take backs.” The goblins fell over laughing.

  She turned back to the guns amid goblin laughter, checking them, making sure they were real. Fizzlepuff knew they were real, or so close to real it didn't matter. If there was one thing gnomes knew, it was their equipment.

  “And we robbed Lard Lump,” Cim said, excited. “We would have killed those filthy human adventurers anyway, but we told Lard Lump, 'we will only kill them if you give us smokesses. And she said, 'I will give you one bag of smokesses for each head you bring me.'”

  “So we have smokesses, and dinner,” the first goblin said. “All praise God and the dungeon.”

  “All praise God and the dungeon!” Six goblins cheered.

  “Did you eat Lard Lump?” Fizzlepuff asked.

  The goblins turned to face Fizzlepuff. “If you ever hurt our merchant thief friend, we will kill you,” Terod said. The goblins glared at the gnome before turning back to their dinner.

  Terod could be lying, but Fizzlepuff couldn't imagine why the goblin would bother. And killing Lard Lump without receiving a black mark didn't seem possible. The humans they were eating had been trying to kill the goblins.

  Fekfuff left the guns and slipped over to Fizzlepuff. “With the guns those stupid goblins just sold us, we can kill the stupid goblins. We catch them in a passageway while they're fighting insects. They'll never suspect.”

  Fizzlepuff wasn't so sure; the goblins were higher leveled than they were and trained killers. If even one goblin survived their ambush, it would be the end of the gnomes. Someone up there was trying to tell them something. But what?

  He remembered Jeremy saying he thought the gnomes and goblins had much in common. The goblins are eating other adventurers right now! They're monsters. In the meantime, his people were being wiped out, fighting each other for the few crumbs their rulers gave them.

  Fizzlepuff stood up and faced the goblins. “You're right!” he shouted. “I was trying to kill you earlier. Jeremy's secret entrance is real, but it's extremely dangerous, and I don't think you'd survive. But I do think we have a chance if we join forces and take it on together! The price for the secret entrance and knowledge of what lies behind it has changed. You will take the four of us into your party, and we'll split any dungeon coin and monster loot in an equitable manner!”

  For long seconds, the goblins were silent.

  “What's equitable mean?” one of the goblins asked.

  Pufflepop ran over to Fizzlepuff and shook him. “Are you completely insane!”

  “We have common enemies, but we're fighting each other,” he responded. “Why? We know Jeremy's secret section has a lot of experience and loot we can't get on our own. But with their help, I think we can.”

  Pufflepop shook her head. “Definitely insane.”

  “We'll remain alert for treachery,” he whispered. “We may have to betray them at the end.” Fizzlepuff hoped the goblins had the sense not to betray them until they were through with this section. If that happened, he suspected neither group would survive.

  The goblins huddled together discussing Fizzlepuff's proposal. They seemed surprisingly open to the idea. “If the gnomes betray us, we can eat them!” the gnomes overheard the goblins say to each other numerous times.

  Eventually, their shaman leader, Terod, joined the four gnomes. “We agree, with conditions. You may join, but if you betray us, we kill and eat you. When we finish this section of dungeon, you will take your share of the loot and leave. If the four chosen ones show up, you will leave our party, though you may stay with us until we clear this section and collect.” He did a quick count with his fingers. “Four out of every ten. Your share of reward.”

  “The four chosen ones?” Fizzlepuff asked.

  “The four chosen,” Terod said in a hushed voice. “I have true dream that the four will soon join our party and lead us to greatness.”

  “Who are these four? And what do they look like?” Fizzlepuff asked.

  “I don't know. But I'll know when I see them,” Terod answered. “They will change our lives and lead us to victory.”