There is no way this is about to happen. Did I miss some vital instructional materials that have led to me breaking some cardinal dungeon crafting rules? Firstly, why in all the nine hells, are my two strongest monsters about to have a bloody duel in the middle of a battleground? Second, WHY DO YOU ALL IGNORE ME?! Boo looked over grumpily. Not you; I know you listen...the damned spider is the “best behaved” out of all my damned... Egbert kept rambling to himself as Contempt rose from the first home, carried in the grasp of a hand formed from darkness.

  The puppy shuffled slightly in Throgar’s grasp, making a pitiful mewling sound before shooting a venomous glance towards the approaching Contempt. A slight, almost imperceptible pit of mana so purple it was almost black flashed in the “puppy’s” eyes.

  All of the Yokels heard the same thing echo through their minds. In a voice that was equal parts kind and sinister, practically caressing them with the promise of power. “Slay the golden reaper, prove your worth, and receive my gifts, my children.” The words whisked away like the last drips of morning dew in the light of sunrise.

  Contempt’s slow gliding charge towards the “puppy” was cut violently short as Jeb got an astonishingly lucky hit with his kelp whip, flinging Contempt into the carpet of Ravagers. There was a heartbeat of stillness before a golden reaper exploded upwards from the swarm, and the Gregorian chanting increased to a fever pitch.

  The rising maelstrom of mana from contempt didn’t slow; dozens, then hundreds, of Illusions of Contempt hissed and began skittering madly across the floor, up walls, and towards the yokels. Finally a pair of scythes rose on invisible strings ominously above the vortex of black and gold mana before twirling towards Jeb. “Ya done pissed it off! For!...The New Patron!!” Hank shouted with a bit of confusion, realizing they didn’t even know their new god’s name.

  Jeb screeched in undiluted terror, raising his hands defensively towards the spinning scythes. He was as dumbfounded as Egbert was when a streamer of black-purple mana rose from the ground, pouring through his hands as he activated a long-dormant skill. A net of dripping black malevolence flew from his hands, catching the scythes midair. It passed through them, slicing the magic that animated them into wisps of gold that shimmered as they fell harmlessly to the ground.

  Jeb looked from hand to hand, a slow smile growing across his face, before he raised his hands straight in the air in sheer joy. An unbridled bellow of victory rang across the battlefield with a warbling tang before Jeb calmed enough to turn his hollers to words: “I DUN IT! I REALLY DONE IT! I’M A WIZARD!” Oh gods preserve us all, the idiot can actually use magic now.

  Hank looked over in surprise. “My dear sweet new god tis a miracle worker…he done gave that idiot boy something so simple even he can use it,” Hank muttered under his breath before turning back towards the enraged Contempt, who was determined to fell his rival’s minions.

  Tammy and Edith quickly finished looting the chest and ran to the front of the home to aid in its defense. Together Hank and Edith began chanting a burbling spell. They locked hands, and mana welled around them, rising from the ground like a spring of oil. The mana quivered for a moment before their chant finished; the mana crawled forward, taking the shape of a many-tentacled octopus. It rose higher and higher as more mana poured into it until it thrashed out into the street, nearly the size of a cart.

  Egbert Stared at the inky black summoned creature and its constantly shifting form. Eyes wandered across the outside before disappearing back into the mana-body with an audible bloop sound. I, uhh...should I help Contempt? This might be my best chance ever to get rid of the “puppy” or at least knock his evil fuzzy little ass down a peg or two. How would I even go about that?

  Egbert looked over the battlefield; the octopus was flailing violently at the illusionary reaper. Contempt had apparently been taking notes from the knights because its movements were much more efficient than before. It deftly parried two tentacles and then sheared off the next two that came flying in a slow overhead slam. It still wasn’t enough; the flailing creature just had too many limbs, and the reaper was getting battered by blows it couldn’t block. How do I even help here…? I could upgrade the loot bugs...they might join in… or Contempt..i mean what would my options even be...?

  It took Egbert an embarrassingly long time to find the real Contempt; he flew over the battlefield trying to open the upgrade screen for at least two dozen illusions before it finally popped open on the real Contempt. He had snuck all the way into the building with the yokels once again and was angrily shuffling towards the back of Hank’s trousers. Oh, ha...that's going to be rough, Hank.

  Ebert opened up the upgrade options for contempt and had a painful reality check on how much things were going to be costing once his creatures got powerful.

  [Upgrade Contempt] (2 Gold)

  [Evolve Contempt] (20 Gold)

  Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  Out of sheer morbid curiosity, he checked what the evolution options were.

  [Insectoid Wealth Drakeling]

  Yeahh…This angry little guy really won’t let it go even I am not sure how he jammed up the system this bad; probably something to do with self-determination...but anyway… You know those legends of dragons who sit on piles of gold and eat anyone who dares to steal from the hoard? It's that...but with a buggy twist and still a baby because you are nowhere near getting a freaking full-grown dragon yet, Egbert. This variant of dragon has vast illusionary powers and a near psychotic obsession with hoarding. As well as a really impressive disdain for the mere concept of generosity. One of the smallest and most physically weak variants of dragon… But well, it's still a dragon, so that's pretty fucking relative.

  [Insectoid Wealth Drakeling]

  Yeah, again, this is seriously the second option.

  [Insectoid Wealth Drakeling]

  I wasn’t joking when I said he jammed up the system; he wants it so hard that the system sees no other path forward for him apparently. Should this even be possible? Probably not, but hey, look at it this way: you and your dungeon have been causing an uproar upstairs because of the constant required revisions and concerns you are raising.

  Egbert looked at Contempt in a mix of awe and annoyed resignation. Gods, I get it; you want to eat adventures while you lounge on a pile of gold… Might have to wait a bit on that, though. Let’s see what I can do with your subjects that doesn’t cost an entire room overhaul worth of gold.

  Egbert picked a random lootbug that was chanting above the savage fight taking place back and forth across the room.

  [Lootbug Upgrade](6 Copper)

  [Lootbug Evolution] (6 Silver)

  Egbert went ahead and opened up the evolution options for his lootbugs; honestly, it had probably taken him too long to do this considering how important a part of his dungeon they had become. Hells how mean they were was almost a trademark of his at this point. Alright, let's see what I have on offer.

  Ebert opened the list...it slowly filled his entire vision as he scrolled. What the fuck!? How do you have this much free time? You are a god! There were nearly one hundred options available for evolution, and almost every single one of them had the little "custom-tailored for you" symbol. Egbert added some filters, like “doesn’t self-destruct” and “not coin-operated,” along with a few meant to filter out some that would be useful right now.

  [Lootbug 2.0]

  So it's just a bigger version of a loot bug, just as fast but with way more gold. The normal progression of this creature. Most dungeons love it because, well, more gold equals more adventurers. With yours...it's questionably wise to add any more mass or ability to maim because gods do they seem to want to. And as funny as it would be if your dungeon descended into a swarming pit of man-eating bugs, that wouldn’t be great for either of us.

  [Maneater Lootbug]

  Alright, this is a tricky one because this is supposed to be an especially vicious, hateful lootbug with extreme territorial issues that can nibble on the people trying to catch it, but honestly the only difference between this and your current bugs is that this thing has teeth.

  [Respawn Time: 1 Day]

  *[Coin Bug]

  Do you like money? I like money. This crazed little creature is tough as freaking nails and will throw down with anyone crazy enough to try. Here's the kicker: it's like a coin pi?ata. Every good thwack, stab, or explosion that lands on this guy spits out some coins.

  [Respawn Time: 1 Day]

  *[Sworn Banner Bug]

  So you have a full-on familial succession war going on with a previously extinct species at the top of the food chain. Wouldn't it be better if you could really let the little guys go ham with it? This is just a way for them to…better express their loyalty. Add some mass and opposable thumbs to your favorite and most numerous followers. (Some swords included)

  [Respawn Time: 1 Day]

  [Hoarder Lootbug]

  A fantastic addition to any dungeon, It...excreets…gold and hoards it in out-of-the-way nooks and crannies. It will also grab every bit of untended treasure it can find to add it to its nest. Like a neurotic little dragon that screams an awful lot.

  [Respawn Time: 1 Day]

  *[Lootbug Choral Consort]

  Sooooooo…. You know how the bugs keep doing that really epic chanting? It doesn’t really do anything other than add some really fantastically epic ambiance, but it could. These look like normal loot bugs with a slightly angelic touch, but their life’s purpose is that creepy Gregorian chanting. A couple of these and your halls will always have a suitably creepy soundtrack. Also increases the magical potency of friendly nearby creatures.

  [Respawn Time: 1 Day]

  Egbert didn’t have time to debate this too much; the summoned octopus was moments from banishing the shit out of the reaper, and if that happened before Contempt got help, it was almost certain this would be a win for the “puppy,” and honestly, Egbert was too petty to let that happen easily after the little bastard basically made the eldritch mistakes his new village people.

  “Everyone that values their existence should leave now...only one gold coin for the haste shrine…” Crawled through the room in Egbert's horrifying voice. Immediately followed by an improved haste shrine popping into existence on each end of the village and crackling dramatically with lightning.

  Mere seconds later, lootbugs all across the room began glimmering a shining golden light as Egbert flew around, evolving nearly half of the currently present lootbugs. Ha! Here you go, Contempt. If you can’t beat the puppy with an actual army and a couple of psychopaths at your disposal, well, I guess then it wasn’t meant to be!

  The first to finish their transformation paused for a moment before spreading their glittering wings wide, fluttering into the air to dot the cavern with almost innumerable specks of golden light and fluttering hate. They paused for just a moment, waiting for their god to acknowledge them. Contempt gave the slightest nod, and they began.

  The chorus of consorts was a beautiful, haunting melody starting low and slow the sounds of mourning and regret. The cold grasp of despair as the truth of the finality of loss settles upon your heart. It built from there, rising ever higher to the booming, humming power that hope brings. The winding changes of emotions as they build from the lowest of lows back to the steady peaks of life.

  Goddamn! I gotta figure out how to charge for that!