Egbert grumbled to himself as he stared at the fungal maze for what had to be the third hour in a row. He didn’t even have any reason right now to complain. Things were humming along almost concerningly smoothly in the dungeon. No one had died in the last couple of days.
He had been raking in a tidy and steady income. Hoarding it to make more improvements and hopefully actually monetize the mana font since it might as well be a damned money fountain. But he just couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong.
Things are going well… too well…
The orphans and Thrognar had been gone for a few days, which, while concerning, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Egbert didn’t think much short of another mid-level adventurer party could take them on in a fight between Thrognar and the “puppy”. And just the general awfulness of the kids.
No, what Egbert was waiting for to fall down like a guillotine or a surprise audit was the fucking mages. Not a peep from them since they got eaten in his dungeon and then apparently attacked by Contempt. There was no way they would just let that slide if Cromwell was anything like the average member of the academy.
He was trying to distract himself with some nice renovations, so that's what he did: he pushed the awful thoughts of impending core death to the side and started in on what was going to be a very annoying challenge.
Firstly, he needed some good distractions, and unlike the spiders, he wasn’t opposed to using the ants that roamed these parts; in fact, he quite liked the idea. Egbert was pretty sure he had figured out a clever loophole for stocking this area with thousands of monsters for just the cost of a couple. All he had to do was find the damned ant queens—easier said than done.
Egbert started flying around in the tunnels looking for, well… He wasn’t an ant expert, so he wasn’t sure. The tunnels were impressively extensive webbing under and through most of the fungal maze in a frankly dizzying clusterfuck of endless intersections and chambers where food was stored and ants seemed to congregate.
The ants themselves were at least visually interesting; they were closer to rainbow-hued camouflage patterns than the normal boring brown or red that most ants were. They were also chunky buggers, most the size of a human finger. Egbert spiraled down another of the winding tunnels, cursing quietly as he found nothing more than yet another intersection.
Gah, where are the damned queens! Let's see, the actual damned anthills are pretty obvious; the things stick a stride into the air. Maybe I should try that. Yeah, the biggest tunnels have to lead to something important.
Egbert started again from the top, this time trying to just follow the fattest tunnels he could and praying that that was actually how ant colonies worked. He wasn’t sure if it was sheer luck or genius, but after another ten minutes of flying around, he finally found something different: an opening that was more like the size of a small cave teeming with squirming little baby ants nearly three strides under the ground.
He looked around in excitement; he figured the queen should be blatantly obvious, and he was right.
Agh, dear sweet mother of… What? Gods I thought it was like a big ant, not some bastard spawn of a slug and nightmares mixed with gluttony personified.
Egbert wasn’t a hundred percent sure what normal ant queens looked like, but he was certain it wasn’t this. The queen loomed in a hunched position in the center of the cavern, dozens of small arms trailing from the utterly wretched, bloated, drooping body, each filled with food. Some held fungus, others indecipherable hunks of meat, and others even had still-wriggling ants unexpectedly being put back where they came from.
Deep breaths Egbert takes deep breaths…dammit, that doesn’t work when I can’t breathe! Sigh, fine, think of the fiscal responsibility of bringing this…unique…new creature onboard as a valued staff member. It's like buy one, get ten thousand free. Change the queen, upgrade her a bit, and boom, the fungal maze has an entire swarm of monster ants for people to have to muddle through.
Just ignore the fact that she is one nightdress away from being the matriarch of some backwoods family that hasn’t left the cottage in twenty years and shouts for her poor bedraggled husband to bring her more ale…
Holy crap, Egbert, man. Get it together; you have been a dungeon for, like, a month. A month. If you start losing your shit this fast, you are going to be a deranged hot mess in a hundred years. The loot bug throne wars are fine; that’s fun. Don’t start thinking of the ant queen as an overweight grandma; don’t do it. Just upgrade the damn thing.
Egbert hesitated again as she shifted on stubby legs, and her bulk slid over a few nearby ant eggs, leaving a sickly trail of bug gore. The queen didn’t even seem to notice, snatching another hunk of fungus from her lair floor with apparent glee.
It's not even a spider! You managed with the spider, the darkest species the gods ever unleashed upon this poor world. Those things are crafted from the darkest dreams of some primordial god who just wanted humanity gone right the fuck now. If you can make Boo’s psychotic ass a productive member of the team, you can manage with obese Grandma Ant!
Egbert tentatively probed towards the gluttonous queen, wishing he could squeeze his eyes shut as she audibly munched down on the head of one of her workers, its antennae still flailing in panic as she absentmindedly chewed.
[Gorger Ant Queen Tier-1] (lvl 3)
[Integrate Species?]
[Yes]
[No]
Egbert let out a quiet sob at what his life had become as he selected yes.
And on this dark day it is done! Alright, let’s make it useful.
[Gorger Ant Queen Tier-1] (lvl 3)
[Evolve 6 Silver]
[Improve 6 Copper]
And evolve! Let's see what we are working with. Nomisa, please don’t be a dick and stack the evolutions with weird shit today.
[Fungal Colony Queen]
This large species of ant slowly builds nests that extend both above and below ground. Farming the nearby mushrooms and other cave flora into dizzyingly complex structures that make sense only to the colony. Fairly dangerous to the average adventurer, these ants will attempt to hunt anything that damages the fungal structures.
Slain prey may be reanimated using fungal spores so that it may serve the colony in death.
Mannn…almost. I almost managed to read through an entire description without having to wonder what awful twist it has. Why couldn't they just be neat, chunky and build shit, hmm? Why did we have to just throw a dash of necromancy into the species?
You know, I never really thought about it, but if the options I've had are anything to go off of, the average monster is horrific. How the hell do any adventurers survive long enough to retire? Back when I was collecting taxes…wait…yeah… I really didn’t have many retired adventurers I collected from. How have I never connected those dots? What the hell is the survival rate of adventurers?
[Fire Colony Queen]
All hail the burning swarm. These ants are hot enough to melt flesh and even steel if they can drag it down into their furnace-like dens. Slurries of molten ore and liquefied bone will often drip freely from tunnels wherever these nightmarish creatures reside.
While individually they are physically weak, that doesn’t particularly matter if you are fighting four hundred of them and they are spitting hunks of molten metal at your eyeballs. Trying to stomp them down just ends up with a ‘Congratulations, you are basically standing in lava now.’
The queen of this colony type lives in a forge-like cavern filled with precious metals and melted hopes and dreams.
Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.
See, this is exactly what I mean. How are you even supposed to fight that? A bulk quantity of fire resistance potions and hope and prayer? Well, I guess an ice mage would probably cackle gleefully at finally getting to do the cool steam explosion thing on every single swarm of them. I'm going to tentatively throw this into the maybe but probably not pile. Honestly, I don’t know if it's any better than cool builders with a dash of necromancy for shits and giggles.
*[Luxurious Ant Queen]
This bizarre species of ants shows a disconcerting level of intelligence compared to most of their brethren. They like comfy fancy things, and by all the gods above, they will have it. Tunnels filled with finely carved patterns. Every intersection has a small rest station filled with immaculate thick rugs and a half dozen cushions.
This colony is divided into three distinct tiers of ants. The gatherers are relatively normal, slightly large, and very far-roaming scavengers who search for the perfect pieces of furniture or cloth to add to the colony. They also have impeccable tastes, being much more likely to try and carry back a braised ham than someone’s discarded apple core.
The soldiers are here because most civilized races have something to say when you try and steal a down mattress a feather at a time and wander off with the Turkish delight platter. Hence, these are mean bastards the size of a man with bladelike limbs and mandibles and a problematic array of abilities. If someone sees one of these, they have more immediate concerns than ‘Where did my sweets go?’.
Finally, we have the pampered designers; they live a life of luxury within the colony, languidly making it more and more ornate and luxurious between midday naps and snack breaks.
Hey, that one sounds pretty great actually! The soldiers sound like a dangerous threat, and honestly, having someone with a nice design sense around here might really help lift the mood a bit. Wish it had more details on the queen though…
* [Insectomancer Colony Queen]
Soooo… this one is a bit weird… even by your standards. They have a queen and gather and such—all the normal ant colony goodies—but they, well, hmm… how do I say this without you immediately descending into a grumbly tizzy like you do every time I present you with something fun?
They have...ant golems. Yeah, there we go. That’s a nice way to say it. Insectomancer shepherds use their rather impressive ant mind control abilities to “convince” tens of thousands of their brethren to lock arms and teem all over each other into useful shapes. But in effect, they're human-shaped ant golems.
Fighting this type of colony is difficult; they have a variety of defenses limited only by the individual Insectomancer’s intelligence and creativity. One moment you are fighting a pile of ants shaped like a troll; the next they have fourteen claws and a pair of wings and are trying to carry off the healer.
Ahh, one last note. Insectomancers are smart, like people smart, and this species is strictly carnivorous.
What?! NO! Why? Why would you bother to offer me mind-controlling people eating ants smarter than half my damned delvers? Do you want me to start a damned insect apocalypse? It's really starting to feel that way. And system, shame on you! My store was too overpowered and needed fixes, but this is fine?
Of course there was no response from either the system or his patron deity, so Egbert just shook his head and selected the Luxurious Ant Queen. It was weirder than all hell, but at this point what in his dungeon wasn’t?
The soldiers would make for a good hazard, and honestly he was hoping if they were magpies that tried to steal everything nice around them, their halls might get lined with loot he could use [Gimmie The Gold!] on eventually.
Best case, they would be like a little emergency piggy bank he could rob if he ever was desperate. Worst case, at least the maze had guardians now.
The ant queen's corpulent form flashed in a golden light, momentarily blinding him in the enclosed space of the underground cave. The light faded, and Egbert couldn’t help but let out a groan.
The appearance of the queen hadn’t even changed much; she still had her hands full of food and…now surprisingly spiffy-looking gatherers. She also had a plush downy robe that was a violent pink with royal purple trim and a small golden crown perched at an angle on her head.
Alright, Nomisa. What the fuck…
***
Thrognar and the Orphans—Town of Pleasanton
Thrognar strode through the shuffling hoard of pink sniffling snouts and round bodies with a crazed grin on his face. He kept getting distracted every few steps as a pig nuzzled him curiously, looking for a handout.
“Sorry, bacon. Thrognar ran out of treats five bacon ago!” He leaned down and gave it a friendly hug, lifting it up slightly and then setting the thoroughly alarmed swine back down with a fond pat.
Resh rubbed his hand across his face in frustration from his hiding spot slightly outside the pen. “Dammit! Thrognar, stop playing with the fucking pigs! Grab the big one!”
Thrognar nodded and looked to the thick rope he had in his hand. It had a pig-head-sized loop tied into the end, and his job was simple: take the big pig for a walk. The towering sow looked at him aggressively as he walked right up next to it. Thudding its hooves into the dirt threateningly.
Thrognar met its gaze fearlessly. It let out a smaller confused oink as he leapt explosively straight towards its head. “Walk time!” He roared while looping the ‘leash’ over its head and clambering up onto its shoulders.
There were a chaotic few seconds where it grunted and squealed like it was being slaughtered. Bucking all up and down the enclosure, sending other pigs cascading through the air as its bulk slammed into them at a panicked sprint.
Thrognar roared from his perch, holding on for dear life to the leash. He looked like he was having the time of his life. After a while of trying unsuccessfully to dislodge him, the sow calmed down into an alarmed huffing state.
Thrognar leaned down so he was eye level with it. “Good Bacon!” he said earnestly and then leaned back, looping the leash around his hand like it was a bridle. “Giddiup!” He lightly kicked his heels into its side, and by some miracle it trotted forward towards the enclosure exit.
Lily looked at Resh in confusion. “Why, and how is he so good at that?”
Resh laughed. “Nobel, remember there is no way the big guy didn’t get all the horse riding lessons, and well…with how much he likes literally every kind of critter or monster he ever sets his eyes on.”
“God, he probably tormented those poor horses every chance he got,” Lily finished for Resh.
“Yup!” There was a loud clank as the sow simply buckled the gate open, breaking it off the hinges. “Oh shit, make sure your mask is on; don’t let him get away. Thrognar, pull up your mask!
Resh and the others pull up small bandanas over the bottom of their faces. Lily giggled as the patterns she had painted on all of them were visible. They had the golden mandibles of a loot bug painted across most of it with a small “Fuck you, pay me.” Written in a stylish gold cursive.
Thrognar thundered forward on his mount straight down the center of the mucky paths towards the nearest door. He was building speed at an almost concerning rate. The sow, seeming to revel in its newfound freedom, was galloping along as best a pig could.
A Vin-Hound suddenly interposed itself between Thrognar and the closest exit he was flying towards. Standing tall and growling a warning to the sow. Resh scoffed, looking back and forth between the hound and the four-ton sow moving at an ‘it couldn’t stop even if it wanted to’ pace.
The sow's eyes narrowed, and it let out a rather wrathful-sounding oink before putting on even more speed and veering slightly to make damn sure it hit the Vin-hound.
“Wait, Bacon! The big puppy!” Thrognar tried to get it to veer back to the right. It didn’t budge on its path.
The hound’s eyes opened in concern as it realized that the big thing it had been herding around wasn’t a fan and wasn’t going to stop. It managed to turn halfway around before the sow hit it, throwing its head back at the same time and tossing the hound into the air.
The hound careened through the air and slammed through the barn wall, sailing somewhere off into the distance. The sow didn’t even slow.
“Fuccckkkkk…” Resh panted as he sprinted after Thrognar. He was gaining on them fast; he was nearly at the gate, and they hadn’t even reached the center of the yard yet. Thankfully, between Thrognar the sow and Orlock, who looked like he was fighting half the guards with a tiny fork, no one was even remotely looking his way.
Thrognar exploded through the tangle of guards with a holler and disappeared into the distance. taking a sharp turn on the city’s muddy streets. The last thing the others heard was “Slow down, Bacon!” immediately followed by the crashing of splintering wood and broken glass as a cottage slightly in the distance crashed out of sight.
Resh and Lily laid into the scattered guards, helping Orlock disable the few who were still standing after the cataclysm that was the sow charge.
Resh threw a brace of daggers into one poor bastard's legs as he tried to run back to the guardhouse. Another one just tripped, and the poor man brained himself on the gate, face-planting straight into the study's wooden beams.
Lily was very subdued by her standards, just pulling roiling walls of fire from the ether that wrapped around guards, holding them in place while Orlock went around punching the poor immobile bastards in the face. They all opted for a face punch over running through a wall of black fire, thankfully.
One last guard stood off slightly from the others inside the doorway of the barrack. His grizzled features were twisted in rage as he pulled back the string of a bow. “Fucking robbers!” He aimed straight for Lily’s head.
Tentacles of pure darkness dotted in slitted beaming yellow eyes crept from the doorway behind the guard, flaring out around him almost teasingly. He froze, his eyes widening in horror, a heartbeat before they violently wrapped around him and he was dragged screaming into the guardhouse. His desperate fingers stuck on the doorframe for just a second before the wood splintered and he was lost from sight.
The screams of terror continued for just another heartbeat, then a loud crunching noise silenced them. A tiny trickle of blood dripped from the doorway, and a wet chewing noise wafted from inside, followed by dark, malevolent whispering laughter. Like a chorus of the damned had been briefly released from hell.
The orphans looked at each other with wide, confused eyes, raising their weapons towards the unknown eldritch terror within the guard barracks. A single heartbeat passed before the “puppy” happily bounced out of the doorway, its tail wagging in contentment. It gave a friendly yip and then a play bow before trotting over to Resh and pawing at his leg like it wanted uppies.
Resh slowly picked up the fluffy puppy, his hands shaking slightly as he set it into his biggest cloak pocket. He took one last look at it peering out from his pocket. The “puppy” winked and then closed its eyes, curling into an adorable sleepy ball in his pocket.
Resh let out a shaky breath and then faced the others. “We, uhh...we should fucking go…”
“Yup!” Orlock squawked out Lily, who just nodded violently while staring at Resh’s pocket.
