Before the humans, if you’d asked me if I worked alone I would’ve said yes. I would be told to do something and I would go and do it by myself. There were others around, but I rarely had to directly work with someone. We were all there, together, doing our own tasks, alone, yes, but at least there was always other ioe around. Writing that survey was a new kind of isolation. The only sound in Lee’s room that wasn’t from me was the unending hum of the Chang’e. It didn’t help that in an ideal world it wouldn’t be written alone, made the isolation feel like failure.
My phone sat on the little desk as I worked, tempting me to call Lee and ask for help so I didn’t have to carry the weight of it alone, but the obvious conflict of interests stopped me. I couldn’t put her in that difficult position.
I wasted hours trying to decide between short and simple or overexplaining every detail, even if that made it hard to follow. In the end I went with both, it was easier that way. A short, clear survey that had all the options on a single page, and a little booklet accompanying it, explaining all the terms used and the different possibilities each option represented.
For the video I used my phone, awkwardly propped up on a few books to get the angle right. There was no script, I just tried to explain what happened as casually as possible. I was sure most, if not all, ioe thought the humans attacked randomly, and I wanted to correct that. Then I went on to explain the survey best I could, taking credit for the idea. I only did one take and I didn’t watch the whole thing back, only the first few seconds to make sure the audio worked. The embarrassing part wasn’t that it was a bad speech, it was that I couldn’t express confidently, clearly, why I did what I did. I all but admitted it was chance, fear of my own future, that started everything. At least there was no way anyone would assume the humans made me record the video. It was far too shit, they would’ve demanded a second take.
When I went to get a venalia computer to type everything up I found lunch waiting for me outside the door. For reasons I don’t understand, that made me reconsider. After thinking it over while eating I decided to write out everything in shorthand instead of typing it up. As far as I knew every ioe relied on it, and few venalia could read it, making it ours as much as anything could be. Seemed like the right thing to do, almost poetic, and I wanted to do all I could to make it clear the humans were not forcing me. I don’t think any alien would think to use something used for note taking for serious documents, but many ioe, myself included, used it whenever we could as it was simply faster and easier for us than normal handwriting or typing.
I wanted to spend more time editing but when I couldn’t find anything to change or correct I ended up laying on the bed staring at the ceiling, trying to think of anything I missed. I’m not sure how long I was stuck there, finished, but too afraid to admit it, before a knock on the door pulled me out of my head.
“Saria?” Lee asked.
I sat up on the bed, “You can come in.”
She smiled at me before looking at the papers on the desk.
“Is this it? My translator can’t read it.”
“Yes, it’s, I guess it’s finished. Honestly I’m terrified.”
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“It would be kinda fucked if you weren’t. Not the kind of thing one person should be responsible for, but it’s for the best.”
“I guess.”
“And that means even if there are a few mistakes, it’s still the right thing to do.”
“Can you take it and make copies and do whatever, start the survey? The video is on my phone, I’ll send it to you. If we wait until I’m happy with it we’ll never start.”
Lee nodded.
“Should the translator be able to read this? I thought you all spoke the same language on the sphere?”
I hated the idea, enough to flicker a little as I looked away trying to think of how to say no as diplomatically as possible.
“You can say no.” Lee sat in the chair at the desk, making herself smaller.
“I was trying to figure out how to.”
“Okay, I’ll give the order, what is it though?”
“We call it shorthand, officially ioe shorthand. It’s to keep up with typing on a computer since we weren’t allowed to have our own.”
She pulled out her phone and started typing on it.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Giving the order.”
“Now? Don’t you need to consult someone or talk to some committee of captains or something?”
“Yea, you.”
“Oh.” I could tell Lee was hurt that I didn’t say no right away, and I felt the need to explain myself. “You know I’m not afraid of you, I was going to say no, but I sometimes remember I’m an alien to you, all of you, with nothing and nowhere else to go, and you have all the power, and I forget who you are and, it’s scary.”
“I understand. For what it’s worth, everyone is supposed to disobey orders they find immoral, I can’t make the fleet do whatever I want, and you have full legal protections of any human through asylum. We knew there was a decent chance we’d meet aliens coming to the sphere so we rewrote all our laws to make sure it included everyone. You can look over them yourself, they’re all public. Does that help?”
“A little.”
She looked at me intently for a moment. “You don’t have to lie.”
I laughed, “Okay it doesn’t, but it’s not the type of fear I can reason my way out of. Did you grow up around guns? Is that normal for humans?”
“Not so much for humans, but I come from a military family.”
“Then you wouldn’t know the deep fear around weapons when you aren’t used to them. Not that your pistol is a problem right now, but it still, killing is weird, and that’s what it's for right? I’m, I know I’m not explaining myself well right now, used up all my clear thoughts writing.”
“Fair, and I think I know what you mean.”
Lee got up to leave, but when she was in the hallway she turned back to the room.
“I wanted to talk to you about seeing a doctor. I haven’t read any more medical things from the hard drive since the first night, but from what I did read, and what Kellam said when they were onboard, I worry, and I have a guess. Even if it is just to have someone to talk to. Also, it would be difficult for me to get anything privately, even something medical. I can’t do much in secret, you know, being the admiral now, people have to make sure I’m not abusing my position, a doctor though, they could get anything you might need or want without anyone knowing. I can send you our medical ethics guides and all of our doctor’s resumes and numbers so you can reach out without me or anyone else being involved. The only things anyone besides you and the doctor, or doctors I guess if you want, would know would be the things you choose to share.”
It wasn’t something I expected, and as uncomfortable as it made me, the offer was appealing, so I chirped.
“Good,” Lee replied, “I’m busy this afternoon, but since you’re done you should text Habi. She has the time off and would be happy to spend it with you. Not a good time for anyone to be alone, and you can make sure she actually takes the time off, not that she is anywhere close to as bad as I am, but it would be nice.”
Lee was right, spending time with Habi was far better than being alone with my doubts and fears. It was nice teaching her more pyrav, I know my language well, and I needed the confidence of that.
