When the thing hit Fiora, Damon was shocked by how suddenly she flew past them and into the table. Glowing writing hovered in the air where she had been standing:

  Deep Purple Fist (Ace of Spades hit): -25 damage to Fiora

  Metal Health: 91

  He knew she'd had a Metal Health of 116 and now it was 25 points lower. Clearly that blow was not enough damage to kill her, but the Ace of Spades hit must mean she'd been knocked out or she would get up right now.

  The numbers vanished, and a misshapen purple hand the same size as a pig grabbed one side of the doorframe. An equally large and misshapen purple hand grabbed the other.

  "Those are impressively enormous hands," Damon said. He was pointing in case his companions hadn't noticed the hands.

  "They are also purple," Shayne added. "Which is my second favorite colour. I prefer magenta because it is in-between red and violet and blue."

  Damon wondered if Shayne were not completely cognizant of the situation. Even he knew it wasn't a good time to extrapolate about the colour of a monster's skin.

  The purple hands ripped the doorframe out, along with the door, and tossed it all into the darkness of the other room.

  There was a good reason for the creature to rip the door open. The thing that had struck Fiora was too large to use the entrance, but could now squeeze through the hole it had just created. The hands came through first, followed by a huge purple head with a large-mouthed face that looked like someone had flattened it with a frying pan throughout its developmental years. Three eyeballs on stalks stuck out of the top. There was no neck on the hairy, roundish, muscular body. A layer of black swan's feathers sprouted out of its shoulders.

  Above its head, floating on another LP sleeve, was:

  Metal Health: 38

  Monster Type: J?rk, Female

  Attack: Fists, teeth

  Metal Mana: 2154

  Proclivity: Norwegian

  Special Ability: Hingejaw

  He couldn't parse through the information because with a grinding and a grunting sound, the thing squeezed the rest of the way through the hole, bumping rock and mortar to the floor. A collection of rags and bones hung here and there and everywhere along its body like a vest.

  "What on earth is that?" Kim asked, her wooden sword held steady.

  "She is called a j?rk," Damon said. "We need to beware of its fists and mouth."

  "Wise words," Shayne said. "And familiar. In fact, this all feels pre-arranged. It's a shame the dragon lady isn't awake to aid us."

  Damon glanced over his shoulder; Fiora continued to lie still on the remnants of the table. From this distance, he saw that her Metal Health remained at 91.

  Damon raised the wooden staff. A piece of wood against that monstrosity? He assumed the wizard was watching all of this through an eye in the other room and giggling.

  "Do you think those are the bones of other spawners?" Kim asked.

  "I'm pretending they are wind chimes." Damon said turned his head to look at the monster from another angle, rereading her stats.

  "What are you doing with your head?" she asked.

  He hesitantly pointed a few inches above the monster's googly eyes. "Do you see numbers and letters floating above the creature?"

  "There are no numbers on his head, Dude." Shayne held his mallet loosely, like he was about to play a friendly game of croquet. "Right, young miss?"

  Kim nodded. "No numbers. And you're like thirty years old, why do you keep calling us youngsters?"

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  "I'm an old soul," Shayne explained. "I live in a world of déjà vu, as I explained before. Or did I explain it? It feels like I've been here before. Anyway, even this monster looks familiar."

  The j?rk, throughout this brief conversation stared at them. Well, two of its eyes did. The third eye watched Fiora's body. The stalks moved back and forth, then the j?rk slowly opened its mouth. Since Damon had already encountered a talking dragonspawn, he wondered if this monster would speak.

  He really, really hoped that it would have a British accent. He'd always found British accents intelligent and trustworthy and would be especially happy if it said: Be calm and carry on.

  But the thing clearly hummed, "Bumph Bumph Bum. Bumph Bumph Bum Bum."

  "Is it trying to communicate with us?" Kim said.

  "I know that song," Damon said.

  "I'm familiar with it, too," Shayne said. "But every song sounds familiar to me."

  Along with the singing, came an expulsion of air, which made the j?rk's flattened lips vibrate. The horrid stench smelled as if she had eaten the contents of a Burger King garbage bin that hadn't been emptied in several weeks.

  The monster took a small step forward. "Bumph bump bum. Bumph bumph bum bum."

  "It's… it's 'Smoke on the Water'!" Damon said. "I'm sure of it. The j?rk is humming 'Smoke on the Water'."

  Kim held her wooden sword above her head in what looked to be a practiced stance. "What song?"

  "'Smoke on the Water'!" Damon nearly shouted. "It's a song with the greatest riff of all time."

  "The kid's right," Shayne said. "Though 'Highway Star' is the best Deep Purple song. It's perfect for cruising in my '65 Mustang."

  "It has to be a coincidence," Damon said. "But Fiora also used several heavy metalisms. There is something very odd and interesting in this world."

  "I thought those sayings were familiar," Shayne said. "But—"

  "Everything is déjà vu to you," Kim said. "I think we understand that."

  The j?rk had stopped humming and now glared at them with two of her eyes. Thoughts seemed to form behind those eyes and, Damon assumed, somewhere below the eye stalks. Dangerous thoughts.

  "I believe the monster has bad intentions for us," Shayne said.

  "Well, the best fight is the one you don't have to fight." Kim backed up, but there wasn't anywhere to go. The now-broken table had been the only object that had offered any protection. And they couldn't hide behind Fiora's body.

  "I will take the monster out," Shayne announced, holding his wooden hammer high. "What's the worst that could happen?"

  Damon thought of many "worst" things that could happen, but chose not to list them.

  "I'm the eldest, and I need to protect you two," Shayne added. He tightened his Def Leppard bandana, stepped between them and the monster, and then puffed up his chest and stood so straight he seemed to grow several inches. "I faced off a grizzly once when I was hiking with my friends. It's a matter of believing in your inner strength. All I did was meet the bear's eyes with confidence, and it backed off. The same will work here, I'm sure of—"

  Before he could finish his sentence, the j?rk opened her mouth, unhinged her jaw in a flash, and swallowed Shayne whole. It all happened with such speed Damon could only blink in disbelief. Shayne was gone. The creature's stomach expanded to about the same size as Shayne had been.

  "Oh my," Kim said. "Oh, dear."

  Damon could still see Shayne's numbers, floating in the area of the j?rk's stomach. They were red.

  Metal Health: 11

  Then a number and words flashed:

  Stomach acid: -2 damage to Shayne

  Metal Health: 9

  And again the warning flashed.

  Stomach acid: -2 damage to Shayne

  Metal Health: 7

  "He's losing health by the second," Damon shouted. Without thinking, he burst into action by jumping ahead two steps and throwing his staff. It was a heroic thing to do, and looked impressive while the staff was in the air, but sadly, he had misjudged the distance, for the weapon skidded to a stop at the creature's feet. The monstrous purple, pig-handed thing looked down with one eye stalk, then back up at Damon, hummed "Bumph, Bumph" and then charged towards him on its tree trunk thick legs. It cocked one of those massive purple fists.

  To his and the monster's surprise, Damon ducked automatically, rolled under the j?rk, came up and grabbed the staff and threw it again, this time hitting one eyestalk.

  Minor hit: -2 Damage to the j?rk

  Metal Health: 36

  "Take that!" he shouted. He was immensely proud to have done any damage, though the mathematical side of his brain calculated he'd have to strike it 18 more times to kill it. Without being hit himself.

  The creature let out a scream of rage and pain and more garbage stench. The second eye stalk swung away from Fiora and glared at Damon, and the j?rk swung a fist. Her aim was off, but even the glancing blow smacked Damon backwards.

  While he was flying, he saw his own numbers go down:

  Punch: -5 Damage to Damon

  Metal Health: 1

  Damon collapsed on his back. The monster rushed towards him, shoving the shattered table and Fiora out of the way with ease. Kim jumped back to let it pass, which disappointed Damon. But he understood. Self-preservation was an important trait.

  He knew if he was hit one more time he would die. So when the monster was only a step away, Damon told his body to slide out of the j?rk's reach. His body answered: No. He told it to roll to the side. His body answered: No.

  The beast opened her mouth, and unhinged her jaw. Could he fit in her stomach too? Damon wondered.

  Just when her jaws were at their widest, Kim smacked an eyestalk as if it were a baseball on a batting tee. The eye folded over leaving only one eyestalk open.

  Minor hit: -3 Damage to the j?rk

  Metal Health: 33

  The creature snapped her jaw shut, belched out anger and stink. Her remaining, undamaged eye stock darted left and right, and up and down. Then spotted Kim.

  With impressive speed, the j?rk spun and smacked Kim with an open hand hard enough to knock her across the room.