“How To Crash a Mythical Wedding (And Keep Your Witch Single in All the Right Ways)”
by Dixie Bell, Familiar Prime, Ceremony Wrecker, Narrative Editor
Audience: Witches likely to be propositioned by predatory narratives; anchors with hero complexes; Keepers with clipboards; buildings with opinions.
1) Identify That It’s a Wedding (Even If It Pretends It’s Not)
Signs you’re in a myth that wants to be a marriage:
- Arch present. (Made of iron/wood/expectation)
- Ribbon (red, smug, emotionally manipulative)
- Floor geometry (twelve spokes; two longer than they have any right to be)
- Voices whispering together like it’s a spell ingredient.
- A god wearing sincerity like a stolen coat.
Conclusion: Not romantic. Weaponized ritual.
2) Refuse the Venue
Say hello, then say no. Do not allow rooms to assume authority.
- If it smells like holiness? Hiss.
- If it acts like mercy? Bite the air.
- If it offers safety? Check for price tags.
3) Brick Etiquette (Use Like Confetti)
The brick = No. Drop it:
- On the question.
- On the arch.
- On the ribbon.
- On the floor.
- On the god’s foot.
- At random intervals. (Very effective.)
Remember: pretty is a trap; ugly saves lives.
4) One Kiss Is Not a Consent Mechanism
If you must kiss, kiss like sabotage. Kiss like an interruption. Kiss like a door wedge. Kiss like a No.
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Do not kiss like a yes.
If you cannot tell the difference, ask me. I have opinions.
5) Weaponize Unromantic Truths
Examples that derail mythic atmosphere:
- “Your coat is lumpy.”
- “I can’t find matching socks.”
- “We need groceries.”
- “Your left boot squeaks.”
- “I love you, but I am not architecture.”
Say these with conviction. Watch the arch wilt.
6) Edit the Story
Look for the seam (the place where the myth shows its math). It’s usually:
- a ribbon,
- a repeated word,
- an unnecessary flourish,
- a symmetry that feels smug,
- or any place the Recognition Spiral looks too pleased with itself.
Throw a tiny Catch on the Yes. Loop the ah—. Then lay Keep / Live / No over it like graffiti you’re proud of.
7) Deny the Pretty Ending
If the myth promises:
- tidy salvation,
- painless sacrifice,
- approval,
- being remembered,
- “the right kind of love,”
your response is:
“We are messy on purpose.” “Our love is not a lever.” “Try a different genre.”
8) The Anchor’s Vows
Anchors must say:
- “I will never ask you to open.”
- “I do not become a lever.”
- “I live without architecture.”
Failure to recite these lines results in me biting ankles.
9) If the Ribbon Tears, Celebrate
That sound means:
- the myth failed,
- the door misread,
- you win.
Do not get sentimental. Eat something salty.
10) Final Doctrine
We do not marry gods. We do not wed wounds. We do not say yes because the room is pretty.
We keep. We live. We say no.
And if the officiant tries to pronounce you “lock and lever,” I will object loudly and legally and with claws.
Signed, Dixie Bell Familiar Prime ? Vow?Breaker ? Reception Menace ? Patron Saint of Beautiful Refusals