The forest stretched wider as James trudged forward, bare feet snapping twigs like a drunk percussionist. Every step felt like an audition for “Man vs. Nature,” except he had not even been given pants for the role.
Birdsong rose and fell around him, some cheerful, others sounding more like hecklers. Insects droned with the persistence of unpaid interns. The air was thick with green: moss, sap, and the faint tang of something that threatened allergies.
He paused, catching his reflection in a patch of water pooled between roots. Blonde hair sticking up, stubble like a bad sketch, eyes ringed with exhaustion. And, of course, stark naked.
“Fantastic,” he muttered. “One blurry photo and I’m the world’s newest urban legend. Naked Sasquatch, trending on TikTok by noon.”
The thought did not make the twigs stabbing his feet hurt any less, but at least it distracted him from how loudly his stomach was booing the performance. Somewhere ahead, the faint smear of smoke still tugged at his attention. Civilization, or at least a campfire that might come with pants.
The smoke curled higher as James crested the rise. He crouched, chest heaving, mud on his knees, and quickly checked himself. No jeans. No shirt. No sneakers. Nothing. He turned in a small circle, forcing possible explanations through his head. If I tell them I died and woke up here, they’ll lock me up. If I say I like being one with nature, I’m a pervert. If I claim my clothes vanished while swimming, maybe they’ll believe me, or maybe they’ll laugh and throw me out.
He tried arranging a few broad leaves for modesty, but they slipped away immediately, as if even plants didn’t want to be seen with him. He sighed, shoulders sagging. If there was a god in this world, they clearly thought humiliation was the perfect spice.
Then the panel pulsed. Letters etched themselves in radiant gold across the sky:
[Quest: Save the Village!]
Objective: Repel the goblin raid.
Reward: +10 Stat Points, possible pants.
He stared at the quest panel, the letters bright in the air. Fuck that, he thought. I’m not fighting anything. Not dressed, not naked. Then he looked around the field: goblins had appeared behind him, cutting off his way back. Ahead lay the smoke, the village. No side path through the trees. Two choices only. Run forward into the village, naked with goblins chasing him, and be remembered as the pervert who brought monsters to their doors… or stand here, fight, and try not to die.
His throat tightened. He pictured the stares, the whispers, the certainty that something unspeakable had been done to him. Better pain than that. He remembered the inventory ping from earlier. One Berserker’s Delight. Better cramps than shame.
He shoved the mushroom into his mouth and chewed. Bitterness clung to his teeth and the world tilted a fraction brighter. By a chopped log near the path, a crude axe waited, head nicked, haft rough. He yanked it free with both hands and turned to face the oncoming shapes.
The goblins slowed, took in the naked man with wild eyes and an axe, and burst into harsh, barking laughter. It rolled across the clearing like an insult. Good, he thought. Underestimate me.
The axe was heavy, the haft rough in his hands. James shifted his grip, feet sliding over grass slick with dew. Goblins closed in, quick and sharp, eyes glinting, teeth flashing. They were fast, but dumb. No coordination. Just a pack of hyenas waiting for the first move.
“Okay,” James muttered, “they’re small. Small I can deal with. Like onions. Mean, green, and they make people cry.”
One lunged. He jerked the axe sideways like he was chopping through a chicken carcass.
[Butchery Lv.1 Activated]
Weak point highlighted: Shoulder joint.
The blade bit where bone met socket. The goblin collapsed with a screech. James yanked the axe free, heart hammering. “See? Separate at the joint. Always faster.”
Two more circled. One slashed with a crude dagger. James twisted, the axe head turning at the last second.
[Knife Precision Lv.1 Activated]
Accuracy increased.
The edge caught the goblin’s wrist. The weapon flew from its hand. James followed with a kick to the ribs, sending it sprawling.
“You idiots know nothing about speed,” he snapped. “You think you’re fast? Try chopping ten pounds of onions before service starts.”
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
Another charged low. James brought the axe down hard, like splitting a stubborn bone.
[Butchery Lv.1 Activated]
Weak point highlighted: Neck.
The blade sank. The goblin toppled, twitching. James gagged, stomach turning, but forced himself to stay upright. “I’ve carved turkeys that fought harder.”
Three more rushed. James swung wide, axe whistling. One ducked, claws grazing his ribs, but the others stumbled back. He pivoted, slamming the haft into another’s face. Teeth flew.
[Critical Hit]
The goblin crumpled. James spat dirt from his mouth. “That’s how you tenderize!”
They hissed, spread wider, testing him. James turned slowly, keeping the axe between them. His arms shook with effort. His lungs burned.
[Food Sense Activated]
Warning: Goblin flesh is inedible. High risk of parasites.
James barked a wild laugh. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning to cook you!”
Two darted in from opposite sides. James dropped low, brought the axe up in a clean arc.
[Knife Precision Lv.1 Activated]
The blade cut across one’s thigh, slicing deep where muscle thinned. The goblin toppled. James twisted, slamming the flat of the axe into the other’s jaw. It staggered, jaw dangling loose.
“Do you idiots have any idea how many chickens I’ve carved up in one night?” James shouted, sweat stinging his eyes. He swung wide, forcing two more to backpedal. “You’re not even half as greasy!”
Blood slicked his hands. His bare skin was a mess of scratches. But he was still standing. The goblins weren’t laughing anymore.
[Temporary Buff: Strength +5]
Duration Remaining: 02:00
Six remained. They circled closer, snarling, their yellow eyes locked on him. James planted his feet, chest heaving. He looked insane, mud, sweat, blood, and nothing else. Naked except for rage and an axe.
“Come on,” he rasped. “I dice faster than this in the kitchen.”
One shrieked and lunged. James sidestepped, swung down hard.
[Butchery Lv.1 Activated]
Weak point highlighted: Spine.
The blade connected. The goblin collapsed instantly. The others froze for a heartbeat, unnerved.
James raised the axe high, trembling. “What’s wrong? Afraid of a naked man with a cleaver?”
They screeched, circling again. His arms felt like lead. The mushroom’s warmth inside him was already fading. His head swam.
[Temporary Buff: Strength +5]
Duration Remaining: 01:00
A noise cut through the clearing. Human voices, shouting. From the edge of the village, figures appeared. Men and women clutching hoes, pitchforks, even a rusty sword. Villagers. They had heard the fight, yet fear rooted them in place. They stood silent, eyes wide, watching the madness unfold.
The goblins faltered, snarling at James, then at the new arrivals. James grinned through cracked lips, wild-eyed.
“See?” he panted. “The dinner rush always brings more hands to the kitchen.”
The circle closed tighter around him, five against one. But now there were eyes watching, human eyes, wide and horrified. They saw not a warrior, but a lunatic, naked, bloodied, chopping through goblins like poultry on a board.
James planted the axe, breath ragged, knees shaking. “All right then,” he whispered. “One last course.”
[Temporary Buff: Strength +5]
Duration Remaining: 00:30
The goblins shrieked and rushed, but the sound was drowned out by a louder noise behind James as shouts, bootfalls, and the clang of farm tools rose together.
James risked a glance. From the village path, a crowd surged forward. Men with pitchforks and hoes, women with sickles and wooden clubs, even a boy wielding a broom like it was Excalibur. Dozens of them, faces pale but fierce, running toward the fight with every ounce of courage desperation could buy.
The goblins faltered. Their circle wavered, snarls fading into uneasy clicks. One barked, another hissed, but the pack was no longer laughing. They glanced from James, bloodied and wild-eyed, to the oncoming humans. For once, instinct won over bloodlust.
With a chorus of guttural shrieks, they broke. The line scattered, bare feet slapping the dirt as the goblins vanished into the treeline, screeching as they fled. In moments, the clearing was empty of monsters, save for the bodies James had carved down like unfortunate poultry.
James staggered, axe still raised. His chest heaved. Sweat ran in streaks down his mud-caked skin. For a heartbeat, he thought the goblins might regroup. Then the air chimed.
[Quest Complete: Save the Village!]
Reward: +10 Stat Points
The glowing panel shimmered before him, smug in its timing. James let out a half-crazed laugh that cracked into something almost like a sob. “Yes! Yes! That’s right! Ten points and I’m still alive!”
He lifted the axe overhead in triumph. The villagers slowed, staring at him with wide eyes. Then James realized what they were actually looking at: not the fallen goblins, not the corpses, but him. Naked, bloodied, smeared with dirt and sweat.
“Oh no,” he muttered. “Right. That.”
The villagers bunched together a few yards away. Some whispered. Others averted their eyes. A child giggled before his mother clapped a hand over his eyes. James clutched the axe in front of him like it could somehow count as clothing.
An older man, broad-shouldered and holding a hoe, stepped forward. His face wavered between gratitude and secondhand embarrassment. He cleared his throat. “Well, you drove them off. That took courage, and we thank you.” His eyes flicked down, then back up quickly. “But perhaps you could cover yourself… before the children start asking questions.”
James stared, chest still heaving, mud drying on his skin. Then, against all reason, he grinned. “Saved your village and embarrassed myself in one day. That’s efficiency.”
The villagers laughed nervously, the sound half relief, half disbelief. A woman pulled off her shawl and, without meeting his eyes, tossed it at him. James caught it, wrapped it clumsily around his waist, and exhaled.
“Thank you,” he said, shoulders sagging. “You have no idea how much this means. Seriously. I was one bad breeze away from becoming a myth.”
The older man lowered his hoe, nodding. “You held them until we came. Whatever you are, stranger… today, you are welcome.”
James tightened the makeshift cloth around his hips and tried not to laugh at the absurdity. Ten minutes ago, he had been choking on a fortune cookie in a peeling apartment. Now he was half-naked, half-insane, and apparently a hero.
The panel still glowed, golden letters hanging smugly above the carnage.
[Quest Complete: Save the Village!]
Reward: +10 Stat Points
Possible Pants: Changed to Makeshift Shawl (equippable, poor modesty rating)
James looked at it, then at the stunned villagers, then at himself. “Great,” he whispered. “Not pants, not even close. But hey, at least it’s breathable.”
[Congratulations! Level Up!]
Level 1 → Level 2
Level Up Reward: Please select one of the following skills:
