The desert shimmered around them, silent for once. No snakes. No storm. Just heat and the faint hiss of sand shifting.

  Other Bert’s voice drifted out of the dunes, flat and cutting. “About time you figured it out.”

  Leo adjusted his glasses, still smudged with grit. “Figured what out?”

  “That you’re still in tutorial mode,” Other Bert said.

  Harlada groaned. “Oh, for crying out loud. We’ve fought boars, birds, snakes, rocks, swamp gas—how is that still tutorial?”

  “Because you’ve never earned your way into the maze,” Other Bert snapped. “The real maze. Not this padded playground you keep choking in.”

  They froze.

  “…Explain,” Leo demanded.

  Other Bert sighed, like a man forced to teach arithmetic to toddlers. “It’s simple. To access the Maze proper, you need two silver victories or one gold. That’s the rule. That’s always been the rule. Fail to qualify, and you get dumped back in these practice dungeons forever. Training wheels. Infinite respawns. Infinite humiliation.”

  Bert scratched his head. “So bronze doors…?”

  “Bronze is failure,” Other Bert cut in. “Bronze means tutorial. Bronze means you keep dying here until you stop sucking.”

  Harlada’s jaw tightened. “And we’ve been stuck in bronze… every single time.”

  Other Bert chuckled darkly. “Exactly. You think the dungeon doesn’t keep score? It knows. It’s laughing at you every time you pick the easy way out.”

  The crystal pulsed overhead, text scrolling smugly:

  Progress Report: Bronze x3. Tutorial Retention Guaranteed.

  Leo’s notebook trembled in his hands. “Statistically… we were doomed from the beginning.”

  “Not doomed,” Other Bert corrected. “Just… bad.”

  Bert scowled at the sky. “I hate tutorials.”

  ***

  They huddled in the dunes, the crystal pulsing smugly above. For once, nobody argued.

  Finally, Harlada crossed her arms. “Alright, fine. If you’re such an expert, give us tips. How do we get out of tutorial mode?”

  Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

  A long silence. Then Other Bert’s voice drifted out of the sand, dry as bone. “Don’t die.”

  They stared at the empty air.

  “That’s it?” Leo demanded. “That’s your wisdom?”

  “Correct,” Other Bert said flatly. “Don’t die. If you go into the Maze and you’re not strong enough, you die. And when you die in there, there are no respawns. Just game over.”

  The three froze.

  Bert frowned. “But we have been getting stronger. I can dodge rocks now. Harlada can zap things. Leo can… write notes.”

  “Which all helped you exactly how many times?” Other Bert asked coldly.

  They opened their mouths, then shut them again.

  The crystal pulsed overhead, almost gleeful:

  Reminder: Real Maze = Permanent Death. Tutorial Mode = Infinite Humiliation. Choose Wisely.

  Harlada groaned, dragging her hands down her face. “So the tutorial’s here to keep us from being mulch the second we walk in.”

  “Exactly,” Other Bert said. “Survive here long enough to win silver or gold, and you’ll finally earn the right to try. Until then? More dying. Over and over.”

  Bert cracked his knuckles, grinning. “Easy. Just… don’t die.”

  Leo muttered, “Statistically impossible.”

  Other Bert sighed. “And statistically, you’re all hopeless.”

  ***

  The horizon boiled. The sandstorm had returned, towering higher than before, its howl already rattling their bones.

  Harlada tightened her fists. “Alright. New rule. We don’t suck this time.”

  Leo adjusted his glasses, grit catching in the cracks. “Correct. We treat every choice as life or death. Statistics in our favor if we—”

  Bert cut him off with a grin. “Translation: don’t die.”

  The three stood shoulder to shoulder, squinting into the storm, bracing themselves. For the first time, they almost looked like a team.

  Almost.

  Then Bert’s eyes drifted up to the crystal pulsing overhead. His grin faltered. “…Wait. Uh. Guys? We’re already bronze for this level.”

  The others blinked, then looked up. The HUD glowed smugly:

  Cycle 4 Rank: Bronze. Tutorial Retention Guaranteed.

  Harlada groaned, clutching her temples. “So even if we stop dying now, we’re locked in?!”

  “Correct,” Leo said, deflating. “We’ve mathematically doomed ourselves. Again.”

  For a long, miserable silence, they stood staring at the bronze lettering above.

  Then Harlada said, almost to herself: “…You know what’s really insulting? Other Bert hasn’t died once.”

  From nowhere came a long, satisfied sigh. “Finally. Someone noticed.”

  The storm howled louder, drowning their voices.

  The crystal pulsed, smug as ever:

  Reminder: Tutorial Mode Continues. Attempts Pending.