How strange it is to be going for a temple visit. How many years has it been?

  Mimi prepares in a flurry of excitement. She thinks I have found myself again,. She knows that I met someone, that meeting him changed me, and she does not approve. When I would not visit the temple after he left, it made her uneasy. Giving away all means of transport and losing interest in former hobbies only added to her worries.

  While she packs a few dresses and gives instructions to Aunt and Uncle Hua, I wrestle with indecision. Should it look like we are just out for a stroll, or gone for the day, or leaving forever? Can I arrange the fire so that the manor will burn after we go? How thoroughly would the queen's soldiers search for me? If I leave the jade pendant, will they give up or give it their all?

  Finally I tuck the pendant in between a light dress and my favorite book and close the bag. Adding a log to the fire, I throw in all the letters and drawings.

  "Miss Lili! What are you doing?"

  "Destroying the evidence. Let's go." I leave the fire to dwindle or spread, as fate would have it. When soldiers disguised as bandits burn down the house tonight, they won't have to read through them this time. They won't mislead the dowager queen into thinking she should destroy the Song family, when she learns I survived and was not a servant. "Do we have any money?"

  Mimi worries for my memory. "The accounts are covered by the steward."

  The steward came every few months with letters and once a year with gifts. Was it that I was not important enough to be given a proper allowance, or that they didn't trust the servants with it?

  Mimi and I are dressed the same, in simple tunics and trousers with hats to block out the sun and curiosity. At this rate, we will not need them. The temple is not a far walk, but Aunt and Uncle Hua are slow--half-blind, three quarters deaf and both starting on senile. For them, we have to stop multiple times to rest. But without them, it will be hard to drive the cart, or to convince Mimi to leave this place. And I can hardly leave anyone behind--I do not even know what happened to them that night. No one ever mentioned them.

  Our prints are alone on the dusty road--no one travels here this time of year. At the temple also, no one is visiting. All the slippers sit quietly on the shelves, unneeded. Even the monks are few, the others having left to visit family or help neighboring villages work their fields and care for their animals. Sitting in one of the halls, I see nothing but flaws in my plan. How easily the soldiers will trace us to here, and beyond!

  A monk takes Aunt and Uncle Hua to a guest room to rest, and Hua Mimi looks no less sleepy as we wait for the evening meal to be served. Knowing she will sleep early, I follow her into our guest room and lay down also. Would they destroy the temple? To the dowager queen and her men, is anything sacred?

  Mimi looks so peaceful, asleep on a straw mat. Even still, there is such a clear difference between life and death.

  She never minded pretending to be me, even when it was to help me avoid my tutors. Since I always met them at the temple, sitting behind a screen covered in veils, they never noticed. And she loved wearing slightly nicer dresses, eating sweets and telling people what to do. She didn't always hide her disappointment, when I needed my place back.

  "Hua Mimi, this time you can keep it."

  The desk has paper and ink enough for my purposes--only five words are needed. 'Do not look for me.' I leave it unsigned and climb out the window to avoid the inhabited side of the temple, grateful for my rebellious youth.

  Traveling alone and with the energy of my seventeen-year-old body, I reach the manor quickly. Thinking to rest for a moment, I sit in the dirt and lean against the fence.

  I am woken by a boot kicking mine, six bandits standing around me. They are just as ugly as I remembered, scarred and miserable-looking. "Ugh, you lot are slow." I hold up a hand. "Help me up."

  They are used to following orders, so they do. But they shake themselves after and make some threatening noises and gestures.

  "You're all very scary. Come in, I'll find us something to drink in the kitchen." I forgot the key to the gate, but I remember the angle to kick it so that the latch falls. I push it, satisfied when the squeal of iron makes them flinch. "Come in, come in." I lead the way, moving too quickly for them to do anything but follow.

  Aunt Hua baked bread in the morning, and I bring some fruits and fresh tea leaves from the pantry. The six soldiers stare uncomfortably at the delicate offerings. "I have butter." It's a luxury food, not available to most families.

  They discuss and agree that it cannot hurt to sit for a bit and have a bite, when they have been traveling so much. I find butter and cheese, and when one of them stumbles over Uncle Hua's stash of spirits, the whole atmosphere shifts. "You know cards?" One of them pulls out a deck. They bet high and borrow me coins when I lose a few rounds.

  "I'll make you a bet," I say, when I see one of them frowning like he is remembering why they came. "If I win, you answer my questions. If I lose, I will answer yours."

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  One murmurs that it's a shame they will have to kill me and is shushed. After a quick discussion, the leader nods. "Seems reasonable." He deals the cards, and wins the first round. "We're looking for someone, about your age, who frequents the temple near here. Goes by the name 'Mimi', has a fine jade pendant. Heard of her?"

  I reach for my neck, but the pendant is with Mimi, again. I cannot prove that I am the one they're looking for. "It's a common name. Maybe you have some additional information...?" I thought I could prove my identity and promise to disappear. If that failed, at least I wouldn't have to live through the same hell again.

  He deals again and wins again, but this time I can see it in his eyes that he has good cards and forfeit the round. It doesn't count. The next hand is mine. "I'll save my question." I have nothing to give them, and nothing to persuade them with that is stronger than the queen's hold over them.

  But I have knowledge. "There's never going to be a moment when she lets you go free," I say conversationally, checking my new cards. Decent, but unlikely to win. "Today, it's your debts and your petty crimes, but tomorrow she can have you hanged for murder." They shift uncomfortably. "Today, it's a random girl you never saw before, tomorrow it's your own daughter."

  The leader wins. "Where--"

  "I am Mimi." They chuckle, and not one believes me. I win the next hand. "How did you end up serving the dowager queen? You're royal soldiers."

  They try to bluff their way out of admitting loyalty to the dowager queen until they remember that I am one girl, alone. "She's persuasive."

  Unlike me. I tap my forehead and close my eyes. Hunting down these men was slow, but my third brother did it. Can I remember the details. "Your family is from the south," I look at the man with a scar running from one ruined eyeball to his neck. "You have a son and a daughter working in a factory." I win another hand. "What happens to them, if you fail?"

  He doesn't need to answer. I win again.

  The next man has a mole on his forehead. "Gambling debts, was it? How long until she asks you to embezzle money from the army?"

  He refuses to answer, but the sweat that drips down his face is telling. I win by a single point.

  The third man is unfamiliar to me. "Do you think you're important? Are you likely to survive the next favor she asks of you?"

  I lose the next, and the leader just gives a questioning look. "How do I know? I also know that the god of death is currently racing this way." I look at the remaining two and shake my head for them. "You look a bit young. Unmarried. Shame."

  I lose the next also. "You're all here because the dowager queen sent you to kill her son's lover."

  The leader motions for the rest to be silent before they can start, but these are rough soldiers. They all talk over each other, arguments and agreements sounding equally heated. The consensus is that I am probably the girl they were sent after, but they cannot decide what to do about it.

  "Change masters."

  The leader leans forward. "Who are you to--"

  "No!" I stop him, my laughter shocking all of us. When was the last time I laughed so deeply? "No, I was thinking of her son."

  "The third prince is weak." On this they agree, chiming in to describe his various weaknesses. Apparently he has everything from a physical deformity to a dozen crippling vices. All lies, all part of his cover, part of his mask.

  "Think about it: with her for a mother?" I shake my head, trying to convey that they would have to be daft to believe it. "She'd have drowned him at birth herself." He hasn't gone on any murder sprees, yet, but he is already a strong fighter and strategist. "He's waiting for an opportunity to prove himself, to rise to power without being dependent on her."

  This they can easily believe, wishing they could manage such a feat. "There's no proof, though."

  It takes me a second to catch their meaning.

  "Why would--"

  My smile alone stops him. "I am but a girl who kept him company for a moment. You don't need proof of that." The third prince doesn't have anyone loyal to him yet. He will not care, as long as they are not loyal to his mother. "But what of her secrets? That would be payment enough. You need not trust me, just wait until the moon passes..." I look out the window. "Oh, sh-"

  The front gate is connected to a bell, so that whenever it opens no one inside is surprised. Six men look at me in surprise as it jingles against the window.

  "There is a back door." I pick up the lamp and toss it toward the wooden cupboards. "Follow me." The glass shatters, fire spreading across the dry surface.

  The soldiers grab the two torches, lighting rooms as we pass. We can hear my fake brother yelling my name, but they hardly react to that. It isn't the name they care about. He only has three or four guards with him, if I remember correctly, but they make enough noise in the courtyard as they react to the flames to convince the soldiers to keep running. I take one torch from the leader and throw it through my bedroom window. The other is dropped in the entrance of the corner shed when I pull on a loose brick at the back and reveal the exit. Keeping to the trees, we run around the house and across the path to where their horses are hidden. Only when half of them have mounted does the leader think to ask, "Wait, why are you running?"

  I got caught up in the moment. "It seemed like the thing to do."

  They shrug it off, since I am dressed as a maid and just fed them and set the house on fire.

  What excuse did the third prince give, for not being there when I needed him? "The northern border, near the White Mountain pass. It's not far--a day's ride, or two. You can find the third prince there." One of the rooms collapses in on itself, causing the fire to whoosh out and into the sky.

  The leader leans close to study my face. "I will remember you."

  "You'll be the first!" I wave as they leave, third brother's angsty wailing audible over the crackling of the blaze. With a sigh, I take a step towards the old manor. Then another, and another, until I reach where the trees pause for the path.

  Somehow, it is even more destroyed than I remember, black smoke billowing skyward as the roofs and walls crumble into the ground. I think I see him on his knees in the courtyard, but that doesn't make sense. There's nothing worth regretting there.

  I don't want to go in.

  "Sir, shouldn't there be a cart here, and an animal?"

  "Sir, we didn't find any bodies!"

  Even knowing, the house still burned. It happened differently, but it happened all the same. Now my third brother will rise up, mount his horse and search for me. He will find me in the woods--but this time I will not be injured, poisoned, traumatized. And Mimi is alive.

  Song Zhilan remembers himself, and whistles for his horse. I cannot hear him, but he must be saying, "She's alive. I will find her. She must be alive." To the others, he yells, "The temple! She may be at the temple."

  Mimi is at the temple. This time, we are both alive. I open my mouth to call to him, and cover it with my own hands.

  Mimi is at the temple, but Song Zhilan does not know her or the servants. He won't find me there.

  I can disappear. Who would know? I can disappear, and none of that nightmare will ever happen again.

  I can be free.